The Fight to the Flame
by ayokidd
Summary: Lexa quickens her pace at the sound of Clarke tasting her. She pushes her hips into the blonde, her jeans begging to be taken off. They stand there each of their legs lightly bent and shoved between each other. Lexa arches her back to allow her to slide a little down Clarke's leg and then crashes into the blonde again, and again… finding any way to get this girl to say her name.
1. Chapter 1

**The Fight To The Flame**

* * *

 **Under each chapter I put songs that really captures the essence of the Passage. Listen at will.**

 _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

* * *

 **-CH.1 Love is Weakness**

 _What So Not- High You Are (Branchez remix)_

* * *

They push each other back and forth like the ebb and flow of a late night tide. Standing flush in the middle of the room, everything fades into the background. All you can hear is heavy breathing. Lexa pushes her jeaned leg further into Clarke's heated center, forcing her to let out a whiney moan near Lexa's ear. Clarke feels her sex pulsing at the hard pressure, so she starts to grind up and down arching her back as to give herself more friction. She absent mindedly needs it. There was no thinking, she was just doing what her body wanted. As their jeans heat up, the pace quickens at a slow incline. Giving Clarke the rub she longs for, she bites Lexa's ear while sliding her tongue across her lobe. "mmLexa…" she whispers, moving her lips down to the brunette's neck. Skimming with her lips, she bites tiny nibbles after each wet kiss. Her arms are wrapped around brown hair, wild and wavy. She can taste the sweetness of Lexa's skin mixed with a hint of saltiness. Clarke licks her lips as they move together in their own world.

Lexa quickens her pace at the sound of Clarke tasting her. She pushes her hips into the blonde, her jeans begging to be taken off. They stand there each of their legs lightly bent and shoved between each other. Lexa arches her back to allow her to slide a little down Clarke's leg and then crashes into the blonde again, and again… finding any way to get this girl to say her name. Their hips hit against each other as they grind harder and faster, determined to get the other off first not wanting to be the first one. Their legs are quivering trying to keep standing. Clarke grips at the girl commanding her to cum but she bites her tongue and holds on. The burning rise in their centers elevate on them simultaneously. Both unsure when the other will let go. Clarke is hungry and pushes her leg into Lexa's crotch so hard the girl's green eyes widen. Clarke unwraps one of her arms from around her neck and grabs a handful of breast that wades in front of her. Lexa pulls downward on the blonde's hips to meet her final thrust. "Ohh my fu…." she inhales with a hiss that makes Clark moan in return. "LEXA..yes.." Her sound is cut off by Lexa's tongue sliding into her mouth. Clarke wants to scream but Lexa bites down on her lip and wimpers, "shh….sh…uhh Clarke…" Lexa could barely get the words out as she herself wants to moan but she swallows inward allowing a throaty humm to vibrate through her.

The sound of this green eyed girl guides Clarke toward the edge. Lexa moans tilting her head backwards and they ride the wave of their orgasms against each other; mouths are open, lips now barely touching as they let their sounds fill their gaping mouths with heady breaths. Their lower bodies are doing all the work as their faces stay close together, not daring to lose the touch their lips so unequivocally need. They grip at each other's backs like it's the only thing holding them up now, searching for a way to get closer. Clarke winces with a quiet sigh and wraps her arms around Lexa's neck again, burying her open mouth on her shoulder. She bites down hard to muffle her extended release. It comes at Clarke in waves, each one crashing against her. She feels her hands go numb as the shocks pulse her against the commander. Lexa winces at the pain of teeth penetrating her skin. She pulls at Clarke's blonde hair to release her grip. She pulls her head back and is greeted with closed eyes and a smile. Lexa moans at the site of Clarke's satisfied face. A bead of sweat falls down the neck that is bent before her and bites her lip as she watches it fall toward the blonde's breasts. "you are so sexy," Lexa whispers before placing her face in Clarke's chest.

Breath after breath they keep holding each other…slowly still pushing their hips together riding their pulses out until they can catch their breath. Relishing in the aroma of their heat, Lexa's lip shakes upon a deep inhale. She lifts her head and tucks her face into Clarke's neck. She rests there, kissing and sucking as her head lay on the shoulder. Clarke gasps at each nibble and she digs her fingernails into Lexas lower back. "If you don't stop, I will cum again." Lexa bites her own bottom lip while giving Clarke a slow assuring grind before pulling away. Skimming her nose along Clarke's cheek, she stops to look into her eyes; Clarke still has her eyes shut tight trying to catch her breath. She can't believe she just came fully clothed, standing up in the middle of this room with Lexa. The brunette grins slightly as she brushes Clarke's hanging hairs behind her ear. Clarke opens her eyes to meet Lexa's light greens that are smiling at the edges. She can see Lexa clearly at this moment, full of content and purity. Clarke's mouth falls open to take a deep breath and her eyes close again. She can't believe this gorgeous girl likes her of all people; her insecurities come flying back as she unhitches her hot leg and turns away toward the window. Lexa still has one hand on her waist looking at the blonde with intrigue. In the softest tone she can mutter, "Clarke... Are you okay?..." carefully squeezing Clarke's skin just above her pant line. Lexa gulps like she might have gone too far too quickly, like Clarke might regret what just happened... Lexa hasn't let anyone this close in years and her mind lets her go to horrible places. She knows Clarke might not be ready; she has waited for this moment for months as Clarke slowly warmed up to her after that day...  
Time is always shifting gears when they are together. This time it is going pain stakingly slow as she waits for reassurance. Clearing her throat trying to forget she could ever hurt Clarke, she inches closer and waits patiently for Clarke to respond.

Staring out the window, she feels Lexa's grip on her waste. She knows Lexa is worried but she doesn't know what to say because she isn't sure herself. She doesn't regret what just happened… She has been waiting for Lexa to kiss her for weeks after realizing this feeling she had every time she was near her wasn't just envy. It was something more... She wanted more. She couldn't keep blaming Lexa for that day, she understood. She knew Lexa was loyal and pragmatic. But Clarke still felt broken. After everything she has been through, it has left her feeling less than worthy. She loses most of those who get close to her. As she skims through all the reason why not to let this girl in, her past love, those she has lost along the way, and that day with Lexa, she rubs her own arms as her thoughts make her shiver.  
Lexa notices the rigid stature Clarke's body has taken and quickly wraps her arms around her from behind and rests her lips on her shoulder... Daring to ask again she whispers, "Clarke...?" She closes her eyes and rests the side of her head against the blonde's jaw.  
 _Flume-Never Be like You Feat. Kai_

Clarke sighs and allows tears to fall down her cheek, Lexa doesn't see this until she feels dampness on the temple of her forehead. Lexa rears her head up and sees that Clarke's eyes are a bright shade of blue under an ocean of sadness trying to escape. Clarke keeps her eyes staring out of the window, focusing on the moving lights on the streets below. The sun is almost peeking above the horizon. Lexa feels her heart sink into her stomach and a burn that wishes she could eat her pain away. She quickly shifts herself to stand directly in front of Clarke, hands now on both of the blonde's arms, Clarke shuts her eyes as to avoid Lexa's. They always derail her. She hears a soft deep voice," Clarke, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to push you too quickly. I…" She stops mid-sentence to lift Clarke's chin. "Hey..." Lexa clenches her teeth, trying to hold back her own tears, "Please look at me…" Clarke waits a few seconds before opening her eyes because she knows as soon as she does Lexa's green eyes will be there.

Lexa inhales as Clarke slowly opens her eyes revealing those blues she loves… As soft as she can muster she speaks, "Listen...I care about you a lot and I wanted to be close to you… I thought..." Lexa trails off beginning to tear up when Clarke stops her train of thought by cupping her face with her hands, " Lexa no..." She sighs and lightly kisses her swollen lips. Very slowly Clarke pulls away but leaves their foreheads touching. Her hands find their way to Lexas hips and she slides one finger into her back pocket. "I wanted you, and I'm glad this happened…" Clarke looks into Lexas eyes to make sure she knows that. They catch each other in their insecurities, as one falls the other one catches. It's a delicate dance that is fueled by guesses and hopes. Nothing is known for sure which is what makes this kind of thing so difficult.

Lexa nods and shuts her eyes, which allows the tears that built up to fall on the brim of Clarke's shirt. There is something about this blue eyed girl that breaks her walls down. She can usually keep her composure. Lexa looks up and let's out a deep-breath, " then talk to me Clarke... I want to know all of you." Clarke smiles into a small grin that lets her teeth show, influencing Lexas lips into an upward tilt too. Clarke closes her eyes and whispers, " you will when I'm ready. I'm just not right now…" She sighs at the next thing she is about to say because she knows it will hurt Lexa, " I am not ready to be with anyone… not yet." She moves closer to land a delicate kiss on Lexa's cheek and slowly releases her grip on her hips. She wants to avoid the brunette's gaze so she steps passed her, trailing one hand across her stomach as she steps toward the door. Clarke is running and she doesn't know why. The post orgasm clarity fills her mind with doubt.

Lexa is frozen, stuck between THE moment that so quickly became another. She realizes she hasn't taken a breath since Clarke uttered her last words. Her eyes locked on the lights outside as her fingers curl up into her palm. Tightening her fists as hard as she can, she inhales her first icy breath, only to hold it in again.

Clarke slows her walk as she reaches for the door. She hesitates before gripping the handle- thinking about looking back... But she knows if she does, she wouldn't leave. She would want to comfort the girl she knows is hurting behind her. And Clarke knows that she must keep walking, she can't let this linger if she isn't sure. It wouldn't be fair because she knows how Lexa feels about her. She got carried away in the moment but what a great moment it was. Clarke was always trying to do what was best for others instead of really doing what she wanted.

Everyone knew how Lexa felt by the way Lexa would favor her opinions despite her own, the way Lexa looked at her when she walked into a room, and the way Lexa threatened those who questioned Clarke's judgment. She noticed it all too keenly and wondered what it is about this girl that made her feel so charged and vibrant. She makes her forget the world around her, creating a new one all together.

Clarke shakes the thought out of her head as she swallows her feelings down deep. She lets out another sigh before she walks away from that world.

Lexa still feels the warmth of Clarke on her thighs and the trail of her fingers across her stomach. She wraps her arms around herself wishing they were hers and looks up to the ceiling... Tears slowly finding their way back to a home they are too familiar with. Her knees start to sway... so she gives into them as they collapse beneath her. She falls to the floor, crouched down like her abdomen is rupturing in pain. She lets out a grunt…only it's the feeling of abandon that floods into her soul. It's a pain that is so emotionally real that it manifests as physical twists in her insides. She has been strong her whole life, abandoned as a child forced to raise her sister alone, betrayed by her first love, and after so long she finally found something that filled the empty space. She felt something she gave up on along time ago... And now it seems too good to be true-

 _..it is too good to be true._ Lexa thinks to herself, giving into the cool embrace of the tile floor.

 _I don't deserve her. She is so brave and loving, no matter what the cost. I'm weak and I cannot let love control me. I must not let love do this to me again. Love is weakness!_

Lexa grips her fists as hard as she can, her fingernails almost breaking the skin of her palm. Right before the pain gets the better of her she achingly picks each limb up off the floor, one by one... Wipes her face with her shirt and walks toward the door. She still has her shirt in one hand lifted to her eyes to blot the tears away. She takes a deep breath before opening the door.

 _Ughh... the room still smells like her…_

She looks back at the place they stood. Replaying it in her head before letting her damp shirt fall as she walks out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**\- CH.2 We all deserve better**

Dagny- Backbeat (SJUR remix)

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 _This chapter is tribute to the LGBTQ community and the debacle of the 100 ep. 307  
_

- _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

* * *

The door shuts behind Lexa, she looks both ways half hoping to see Clarke still visible and half hoping no one she knows sees her teary eyed. She turns left down the hall, leaving the desolate room of 307 behind her. This part of Hickory Hall is shut off from the students due to a huge mistake some kid made with a welding torch. She heard rumors that he wanted to make his senior show explosive. Not realizing what he was doing he nearly killed the whole class. Luckily they all got out alive. He ended up getting expelled for he was sternly warned not to do anything that dangerous no matter how artistic and thrilling it would be. He did it anyway and nearly took the whole building down if it weren't for Monty.  
Monty is a graduate student who triple majored in Engineering, Computer Tech, and Sculpture.

 _-They were in sculpture class that day and as soon as he saw Joe filling these metal ball bearings with a foreign substance and trying to weld them shut he started to panic… He saw Joe extracting Limonene from oranges earlier in the day and now Monty smelt nail polish remover. He knew that if you heat up those compounds they would rapidly ignite if not done carefully. Along with the kind of metals he was using it could be deadly, and everyone knew Joe was careless and reckless. Monty pushed everyone to the outer edges of the class before sprinting toward the fire extinguisher but before he could pull the trigger the fire was already engulfing the set and spreading to the wood sculptors across from it. Monty was able to cover the source but the fire had spread and the building had to be evacuated. In the previous years Joe's work was gaining popularity in North-Den and everyone was going to his shows. He was inspiring so many students that felt they had no voice; they finally had someone to look up to. He wasn't very liked but he was producing work that spoke to people. One stupid mistake and he lost everything, his scholarship, his career, and his fans. He could no longer participate in any art program in the state. The university still hasn't fixed that side of the building but opened up the rest of the classrooms for regular scheduled classing. The campus is so huge they don't need to spend money just yet on renovating.-_

* * *

 ** _Present Day_**

* * *

The first day of class was well under way. North-Den was booming with students trying to make it to class for mandatory attendance the first week of school. As one of the classrooms fill up, Octavia has already found a seat near the window. She stares outside wishing summer was still here. She had spent all summer with her friends Raven, Clarke, Lexa, Monty, and Jasper exploring the better parts of Colorado. They went camping; fishing, hiking, and her favorite zip lining. Those were the moments where she felt the freest in her life. Her parents were strict and always favored her big brother, because apparently she was a mistake. She was reminded everyday growing up. Her dad was always angry and her mom let it happen. Bellamy was too young to influence their decisions but he always looked after her and protected her. She remembers one time when her dad had a particularly hard day and looked to Octavia to release his frustration.

* * *

 _(19 years ago)_

 _-After the first smack, Bellamy came out of nowhere and tackled him to the ground. "O! GET OUT OF HERE!" he screamed. Her eyes frowned because she knew Dad would not let Bellamy get away with what he had just done. Even though he was the favorite, he still would be punished for defying him. He was only nine and she was six. Bell couldn't hold him down for more than a second before he threw him off into the kitchen table. Octavia took her brother's warning and ran out the front door not looking back until finding her favorite tree to climb. She climbed all the way to the top until she could see only mountains. She thought she was far enough to avoid hearing what she knew was going to happen. But she could hear Bellamy's screams still to this day… However harsh those days were, her mom always found time to read the Iliad to them before bed to calm them down. The poem never calmed Octavia but she liked the sound of her mother's voice, rigid and delicate as she read to them._

Her Dad's voice always rung in her ears, especially now that she is thinking about the past.

" _Make something of yourself so we can be proud of you! Quit day dreaming Octavia and study so you can get out of here! Get back in your room!.."_

The sound of his voice trailed in her head before being interrupted by the professor introducing himself. "Hello Class, My name is Professor Lincoln. I transferred here from South-Den and will be teaching your Psychology class this semester."

Octavia shifted in her seat at the sight of this new professor. Her first year of graduate school and already she has something to look forward to. He was wearing a grey three-piece suite with a red accent tie that looked like satin. His dark skin contrasted with the white button up shirt he rolled up to his elbows. She bites her bottom lip as she looks at him from top to bottom. He has this face full of downward angles that guide her eyes to his toned frame. He is wearing black framed glasses that sit on his nose just right. Octavia watches him as he glides across the front of the room, all serious and all business.

"Now, I don't know about what you all did last year but this class will be a lot different. I will be expecting you to start your thesis and begin your research today. Your topics should be well thought out and meaningful to you. Next class I expect you to have a five-page summary of what your research will cover, now you are among the most gifted students in your field and most of you have scholarships that put you here. Make me believe you belong here. I transferred from South-Den to find talented individuals in helping me with my own research. I will be selecting a few of you to be part of a team that will make the books." He straightens his tie as he utters the last words and skims the classroom. Brooding his eyebrows as to express his determination to the class. As he reaches the edge of the room near the windows he catches the eyes of a stunning dark haired student. He blinks twice and clears his throat as he turns to write the assignment on the chalkboard. He drags the chalk slowly thinking about his elevated heart rate.

Octavia smiles a little and clenches her legs together. She sighs as she enters the daunting assignment in her calendar. But after she clicks add event, she excitedly taps on the message app and clicks on Clarke Barke.

 **10:35am**

 _Octavia: OMG! The new professor in my class is completely GQ. I am SO looking forward to the rest of the semester! How's your day going? Find any cuties to tackle?  
_

Clarke feels a vibration in her pocket and her heart drops a few inches before she catches it by pressing her hand hard against her chest. She is in her Illustrating Anatomy class trying to focus on entering her syllabus into her phone. She exhales when she sees O's name in the banner that flashes on the top of her screen. She swipes to reply and lets a smirk streak her face.

 _ **10:37am**_

 _Clarke: Haha come on O, you and Raven just hooked up a few weeks ago. I thought you two were getting close?_

She purposefully avoids Octavia's questions. After she hits send she goes into her message app and finds Lexa's name to re read their last conversation.

* * *

 **6:24am**

 _Lexa: Wake up! It's the first day of the rest of your life! Haha_

 **6:29am**

 _Clarke: haha omg, stahhp. Its 6:30 am! You know I have that upbeat song by Dagny as your text tone. It always wakes me up!_

 _Lexa: Oh yeahh, that Dagny backbeat song you played while we were on the mountain a few weeks ago?! Dance baby! Haha. You should be up anyway.  
_

Clarke accepts that she is awake and realizes she has to go to the bathroom. So she puts that song on from her hiking playlist and gets up to go to the bathroom shaking her butt to the beat all the way there. She brushes her teeth and jumps back on to her bed and looks back at her phone.

 **6:35am**

 _Lexa: Come on! Since you are up, meet me at the spot. I have something for you._

 _Clarke: ugh, what is it? It better be coffee! :)  
_

 _Lexa: You will have to come and see, I will be there at 7:30 waiting for you! You better be there._

 _Clarke: Okee! Fine. See you in a bit, I have to get ready.  
_

 _Lexa: I promise you won't regret it.._

 _Clarke: It is still dark outside! It doesn't get light until 8, it better be worth it ;)_

 _Lexa: Luckily your scooter has a thing called a light on it. And it will be._

 _Clarke had pulled up in her mustard yellow '65 Piaggio Vespa. Her grandfather had given the blonde this scooter before he passed during the summer, along with a broken down '48 ford F-1 in a sea-foam green. She didn't know him that well but her mom said she talked about her all the time to him. She has been trying to get the Ford running for weeks but this scooter gets her to and from school just fine. She decided to ask Raven if she would give her a hand before the winter. She found an M parking space and turned down the engine. Clarke stepped off her Piaggio and took her helmet off, letting down her long blonde hair. She shook it free as she bent over to look in the round chrome mirror that stood straight up from the steering column. She checked herself out and she looked pretty good for the first day of class. Wearing a leather jacket with a low cut green Henley underneath. She chose to wear skinny jeans and black boots.  
_

 **7:27am**

 _Clarke: I am here! Give me my prize._

 _Lexa: Come into the room… I have it with me._

* * *

As she replays this morning over and over in her head, she focuses on her favorite part.

- _Lexa grabs Clarke by the waist as she enters the room and pushes her against the wall smiling with her eyes and mouth._ _She feels her determination, as if she doesn't act on it now she might rethink her actions. Inches from Lexa's lips, Clarke gasps so deep making her chest push against Lexa's body. She is so close she can feel the rise and fall of her shallow breath. Clarke's hands are slightly raised, not knowing what to do with them. Lexa stands her ground. She places her palms on top of Lexa's collarbones and looks into her eyes inquisitively. "Hey…" Lexa whispers, " I thought I'd give you what I wanted to give you on the mountain a few weeks ago."_

 _A few weeks ago-Clarke remembers sitting on the edge of the summit with Lexa, fresh brewed coffee and the brisk morning air daring them to get closer beneath the blanket they took from their tent. (Clarke spent the whole trip straddling her feelings. As she watched Lexa's strong legs and ass make its way up the mountain. Clarke felt throbbing in her pelvis every time she watched Lexa. The kind of throb that leaves damp reminders. ) As the sunrise emerges on the horizon, Clarke turns to look at Lexa's sun kissed face staring out into the orange glow. She has never seen someone so flawless and perfect in all the ways she could imagine. Lexa slowly turns to meet Clarke's gaze, noticing Clarke's eyelids are half closed looking down at her lips. She doesn't think the blonde knows that she is biting her bottom lip, which drives Lexa crazy. Lexa swallows and feels herself inching closer to Clarke… when all the sudden."Arghhh… mmmmorning!" Jasper emerges from the tent behind them " Is that coffee I smell?!" His eyes closed stretching his arms out toward the sky. Clarke shakes her head and laughs. His timing was always annoyingly perfect. "Yes Jasper! We made coffee, come check out this amazing view!" Lexa grits her jaw at Clarke's invite and falls back on the rock letting out a huge obvious sigh. Her arm falls over her face as to hide the frustration. Clark notices and reaches over to her, putting her hand on Lexa's upper thigh. Lexa stiffens at the touch and peeks out from under her arm to see Clarke's hand so close to her crotch. She then tilts her head back to look at Jasper bending over the kettle getting coffee, completely distracted. Lexa lifts herself up and grabs Clarke's hand and squeezes it. Clarke leans in and gives Lexa a quick kiss on the cheek and slips her hand out from her leg and stretches her arms high up in the air in satisfaction.-_

 _Back in the abandoned class room Clarke mutters, " ohh, yeah? And what is that Lexa?" Clarke's voice is low and almost at a whisper. She knows exactly what she meant but she wanted to watch her green eyes react. Lexa bites her own lip, lingering over Clarke's face, their noses touching. Clarke knows Lexa wants to kiss her and she almost wants to close the gap between their lips because it is taking so long but she doesn't. She waits for Lexa to make her move. Breathing deeply, Lexa steps closer to Clarke. Their hips are now pressed flush together. Clarke swallows and licks her lips as her head hits the wall behind her. She feels dizzy and turns her head to the side so she can let out a big breath that she was holding in. Lexa takes this opportunity to bring her lips into Clarke's neck. She skims her lips gently down her neck and onto her left collarbone. Clarke squirms at the light touch of her lips and slides her hands down Lexa's chest, making sure to slide them down with out lifting a finger and wraps them around her lower back. The blonde's heart rate quickens as her fingertips find their way just under the brim of Lexa's jeans. This makes Lexa whimper and she finally presses her lips around Clarke's collarbone, sucking ever so slightly. Letting her tongue glide along as she purses her lips together, she brings the skin to turn a nice red. Clarke's fingers dig into Lexa's back dimples when she feels Lexa's tongue on her skin. She turns her head back to face those green eyes that make her moist upon command. By Clarke's reaction, Lexa gains more confident and finds her way back to hovering over the blonde's begging lips. She turns her head from side to side, almost bringing her lips down on the blonde's parted awaiting mouth._

 _Clarke winces in impatience and lets out a whine, "Lexa…please…"_

 _This is what Lexa was waiting for; she encourages Clarke's lips to part more by thrusting her hips slow and hard into her. As soon as she gasps, Lexa crashes into her lips with a moan. The brunette licks up into the girl's upper lip and then firmly wraps her lips over Clarke's and sucks hard. Clarke falls a few inches against the wall as Lexa offers her supple bottom lip into Clarke's mouth. She takes it in as far as she can and moans at the taste. They linger at this position for a moment before something in Clarke changes gear. She suddenly brings one hand up to grab Lexa's hair and pushes her inward to deepen the kiss. This time Clarke takes the lead and tilts her head to the side so she can twist her tongue inside Lexa's mouth, gliding it on top before coming down on her bottom lip again. She lets her teeth come out and pulls at the lip before letting it go with a light smack. "Ohhmm.." Lexa lets out a sound as she sucks in her bottom lip that now throbs with pain and pleasure. Her eyes widen and her pupils dilate. She sees Clarke's eyes still closed so she pulls Clarke off the wall and brings her closer with one hand cupping under the middle of her ass where her fingers just barely graze Clarke's heated core. This makes Clarke spread her legs automatically, letting out a clear whimper of surprise. She lifts one leg slightly up to climb further onto Lexa's body as much as she can while standing up on her tiptoe. Lexa grabs the leg that Clarke offers and keeps her other hand cupped under her pushing it further in her. This makes the blonde shudder and scratch Lexa's neck with out thinking. The primal need of each other take over and pain permits pleasure to escape with out restraint. Lexa hisses at the sting of her neck, smacking the blonde's ass in reply._ " _Fuck, you are naughty!"_

 _Clarke blushes and kisses the scratches she had just left behind._

 _As they push against each other, each kiss gets sloppier and sexier. They subconsciously glide to the side of the room that isn't blocked off near toward the windows. Lexa lets out a moan, "I want you Clarke" right into the blonde's mouth. –_

* * *

Clarke is jolted out of her daydream by the sound of students getting up from their desks and backpacks are zipping up before the teacher has even finished talking. Syllabus day is always boring. She clears her throat and pinches her legs together before she packs up her stuff and makes her way outside; her next class doesn't start until 2pm. Mouth dry, she swallows down multiple gulps trying to wet her throat again. As she makes her way into the fresh air, she feels her phone buzz.

 **11:45am**

 _Raven: Hey, I just got to campus! Want to have lunch with O and me?_

Clarke walks with her phone in her hand before she reaches a bench to sit down to reply. There are way too many kids to walk and text. Plus she feels too damp to walk and sits with her legs a little spread apart so she can cool off.

 ** _11:46am_**

 _Clarke: What time do you have to teach your class? I have another class at 2pm, so I am down!_

 _Raven: My class is at 1:00, so we have plenty of time. Meet us at Polis!_

Polis was a popular bistro that served the best bar food in town. It was only a few blocks from campus. The building was the tallest on the street and each floor had a new theme. The top floor could be rented for a night because it had a bedroom and a view that overlooked the city. The bottom floor was the most popular because of the Ice bar. The top of the bar was made of complete ice so your drinks wouldn't get warm. Clarke loved the ice bar because she would make artistic designs into the ice. Denver was always cold but Clarke loved it. Winter was her favorite time of year because of all the hot chocolate and blankets.

Clarke gets up off the bench after completing her thoughts that were interrupted in class. She digs in her backpack for a container that had a pre-rolled joint and a lighter inside. The container had a post-apocalyptic skull painted on the top of it. Lexa had given it to her during the summer. She found it while hiking up Mt. Weather. She slides the lid open and grabs the joint to light it. It is a beautiful day and she needs to relax. This morning has her all twisted inside. She loved it but at the same time she was scared of it. She inhales the first puff and immediately relaxes. With a new found pep in her step she absorbs the view around her. The trail through the campus was beautiful, lined with trees and green grass. In winter it fills with snow and looks absolutely majestic. She passes a group of frisbee players and a guy dancing to his boombox on the ground. She slows to watch him twist his body and animate to the music. Clarke loves artistic expression, she has a studio in her house that she doesn't like to share with many people. Octavia and Raven has seen it but no one else. She loves to paint. The way the oil feels on her hands and the different mixtures she uses to spread the color across canvas. Clarke dabbles in abstract, realism, and impressionism. They are all so different but she has her way of merging the three styles together. She imagines one day she will have a show in a real gallery but she is focused on her artistic study of medicine. The natural art of anatomy intrigued her. The way veins flowed through the musculature of a body. Leonardo Da Vinci was a huge inspiration to her studies. Not only because his study of the human body but because of his mind and creative nature. Clarke saw Raven and Octavia arriving in front of Polis and she runs to jump ontop of them with the joint hanging out of her mouth. Each of her arms are strewn over their shoulders. She waits for them to notice the joint in her mouth and they both look at her in excitement.

"You brought that to school?!" Raven asked tickling her armpit that was exposed. Clarke smiled in rebellion and hummed a yes. Octavia laughs and says, "Who cares! lets smoke it!" They carry Clarke to the edge of Polis and sat in the nook that the bums usually occupied. When they were together, anything seemed possible. They have been friends since they were teenagers. Running away from home to meet in random places. Octavia was always pushing the limits. Clarke learned how to be fearless from her.


	3. Chapter 3

_**-**_ **CH.3 Blood must have Blood**

 _Flume & Chet Faker- Drop the Game_

* * *

 _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

 _This chapter focuses on Anya's character- CAUTION- Graphic images and language.  
_

* * *

 **11:03am**

Lexa is in the locker room, taking off her gear from the two-hour practice they just had. Her legs are super sore. She rubs them as she remembers this morning. Her green eyes pause to look at her phone… no new messages. She sighs and throws her phone in her locker on top of her jersey.

"Whats up your ass Lex?!" she grins as she hears her annoying voice.

"Shut up Anya! Unless you want something up YOUR ass." Lexa retorts. Anya inches closer to inspect further.

"What happened to your neck?! ...And your back?!" Anya's eyes skim all the little marks she sees.

"What..?" Lexa turns trying to look and spins in a circle trying to see what she is staring at. She feels the back of her neck and hisses at the sting. She walks to the mirror and sees scratches all down her neck. As she looks further she can see teeth marks on her shoulder and thinks.. _Oh yeah..Clarke..._

She couldn't help but smile a huge smile.

Anya looks at her marks with concern and then sees Lexa's smile. She hasn't seen her smile like that in forever and realizes.

"Oh. My. God…YOU SLUT!" Anya snorts.. She laughs and whips her towel at Lexa's ass.

"SHUT UP!" Lexa yells playfully as she whips her towel at her sister. Anya laughs and screams as they whip each other down toward the showers where the rest of the team is. Lexa finds her stall and turns the faucet all the way hot. She needs to feel this day run over her. Anya peeks her head over into her stall and mutters, " But really Lex, are you okay?"

Lexa lets out a sigh and looks up at her. Anya could always tell when she was feeling anything but all right. They are twins after all. They always felt each other, even when they were hundreds of miles apart. Lexa came out second but she was always the one taking care of them when they had no one.

Lexa replies with a stern, "yeah… I just had a weird morning. I am glad you are here though." Anya had taken a break from school after the incident a few years ago. The water is now getting hot and Lexa closes her eyes as she lets the water wash her feelings away. Anya knows not to pry and scoots back down into her own stall. She try's to take care of her sister too but Lexa makes it very hard for anyone to get inside. Ever since Costia, Lexa has closed herself off from the world. Anya was the only one who could get anywhere meaningful but still Anya knows she rarely gets the real Lexa. Costia attends South-Den and plays for their Division 1 rugby team. Last year Costia and Lexa were inseparable. Everyone thought it would bring the two schools out of their legendary rivalry. But little did they know Costia played them all and only got close to Lexa to break her heart the day before Playoffs. Lexa could barely make it to the pitch and would go on to flop her biggest game. Scouts were there to see her play and South-Den beat North-Den 44-20. Lexa played the worst game of her life. When Anya figured out what happened, she was beyond furious. She ran off the pitch to seek revenge. South-Den was twenty miles on the south side of Denver.

* * *

 **Janurary 3, 2013—9:45pm**

 _Anya gathers her crew to go to South Denver to find Costia. She would not get away with this. They rode in a blacked out Denali to South-Den. As they approach the campus, Anya tells Bryan to turn off the headlights and to drive slowly. They find the team celebrating around a bonfire near their practice pitch. Anya grits her teeth and tells him to park a few streets down for when they need to make a run for it. They get out with fists clenched, Miller brought brass knuckles and her best mate Echo brought a knife just in case. Two of Echo's friends joined the crew; her brother owed her a favor. As they made their way down to the practice pitch, Costia notices a group of shadows lurking towards them. She smiles and takes the last swig of the whiskey bottle that is in her hand. She walks to Nia, who is the captain of the team, and whispers in her ear, " They are here…" As Costia kisses Nia's neck, Nia looks up over her black smudged cheeks still painted on from the game. Nia signals to her crew to gather around her as they await their approach. Anya leads the North-Den crew into the light of the fire, stopping just enough so the light can cast its glow on her vindictive face. Costia notices Lexa isn't part of the group and slams the empty whiskey bottle into the fire, causing the flames to grow. Nia steps forward and says, " I expected as much... Getting big sister to come and fight her battles. What? Is Wittle Wexy too weak after we kicked ya'lls asses tonight!? Costia told me how Wexy couldn't imagine life with out her… But that bitch didn't know Costia is MINE. And she NEVER loved her. Life is a bitch and if she were smarter she would have NEVER let Cos into her bed. We knew she was weak! All North-Den's are WEAK! Oh, and the scouts that came offered Costia and I PRO tryouts instead of your girl." Nia says this loud and proud as to push every button she possibly can. She lets out a long laugh looking for corroboration from the rest of her team. They all laugh and grin, watching Anya flare with hatred. Costia is the only one not laughing as she looks down to the ground with one hand on her hip. If Anya didn't know better Costia felt bad. But Anya didn't give a shit. She fucking had fire burning her blood inside. Before the chuckles could die down, Miller slips something hard and cold into her hand. Anya realized that it was the brass knuckles he brought. She slides them on and with out hesitation, Anya jumps three feet in the air, leaping over the fire and lands a downward punch across Nia's face, causing her head to twist and blood flew out of her nose and mouth. Costia gasps and looks up at Anya. Anya is wearing a gnarly grin and throws a punch into Costia's stomach at the same time that Nia hits the dirt. Both crews run at each other with fists in the air. Dirt is being kicked up so tall that you could barely see the glow of the bonfire flame. Echo lays her head into the nose of girl and bounces off to the next. Miller tackles the biggest girl on the team and body slams her into the dirt. The two crews are in full throttle now._

 _Anya is on top of Costia beating her face with her bare fist because she wants to feel the give of her face on her knuckles. She wants Costia to feel the break of her bones like Lexa felt the break of her heart. This was not only for Lexa but for herself. North-Den lost their captain and the game of the year. Rugby was Anya's life, it was the only reason she went to college. She wants to play PRO but is afraid her chances now are gone.  
_

 _"You will NEVER come near ME or LEXA .EVER. AGAIN!" Anya grits through her teeth, throwing a new punch with every word she muttered. She probably wouldn't have stopped until suddenly she felt a burning in her side. Her eyes widen, she lets out a yelp so loud that everyone stops pounding on each other. Anya grips her side and brings a red soaked hand up to her eyes. Everyone is now wide-eyed at the site of Nia's hand wrapped around a large blade coated in blood hovering over Anya. Nia's face is covered in red from Anya's first punch, her nose bleeding making her mad eyes even more ominously frightful. Anya gasps for air and falls off Costia gripping her side. Costia gurgles as blood fills her mouth, her eyes swollen shut and her cheek gaping open. She is lucky she is alive.  
_

 _Nia looks down at Costia and lets out a yell," ALL OF YOU NORTH DEN BITCHES BETTER GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I DESTROY YOU!" She kicks Anya in the head and spits onto her body. Echo runs toward Anya and shoves Nia hard away from Anya's head.  
_

 _"Anya!" she pleads, touching her wound and wiping dust off her face before she goes for the blade that is tucked in her side …But Anya reaches up and stops her. "Another day…" she whispers at Echo trying to breathe. Echo quickly complies and puts her head underneath Anya's arm to guide her to her feet. Anya winces in pain and collapses into Echo. Miller runs up under her other arm just in time. They quickly carry Anya passed Nia not daring to say another word, worried more about Anya. The crew follows suit and they all scurry up the hill toward the street. Nia lets them pass so she can tend to Costia. The South-Den crew huddle around Costia and argue with each other until Nia yells, "Enough!"_

 _As they leave the South-Den crew in the distance, Miller yells "Bryan! GO GET THE CAR!" Bryan peels away from the group running as fast as he can to get the car from a few streets over. Anya can barely keep her eyes open as blood is soaking her jersey and her head is spinning. Echo tries to stop the bleeding by taking her shirt off and pressing it against the stab wound. Anya collapses onto the ground and Echo and Miller fall to her side urging her to hold on._


	4. Chapter 4

**-CH.4 Should I stay or should I go?**

 _Kygo-Stay ft. Maty Noyes_

* * *

Italics are thoughts or memories depicted in real time

 _This is a flash back continuation from 3 years ago- CAUTION- there is dark thoughts and behaviors in this chapter;_

* * *

January 3, 2013

Bryan pulls up onto the grass and Miller quickly opens the back door and they lift Anya into the backseat. Anya is bleeding all over the tan leather seats as they speed to the hospital. Echo notices the blood coming out at an alarming rate and Miller starts to panic. "THE FUCK BRYAN, DRIVE FASTER!" he screams.

Bryan floors the gas and gets to the closest hospital in Central. They screech to a halt and Bryan jumps out of the driver's seat leaving the door open. He bursts through the ER doors and yells, " I NEED A DOCTOR, MY FRIEND IS HURT!"

A doctor is luckily near by, releasing one of her regular patients into a car.

She runs toward the kid at the entrance."Calm down son, where is your friend?!"

" She is in the car, that black SUV… Please lady HELP!" he urges as he grabs her lab coat and drags her toward the backseat where Anya is. The doctor's eyes go wide at the site of the two kids huddled over a very bloody scene. She turns her head toward the hospital and yells, " I NEED A GURNEY OVER HERE! NOWW!"

She climbs into the back seat after ushering the two kids to get out. Kneeling over Anya's body she calmly states, " Hey… Hey... keep your eyes open for me. I am Dr. Griffin; I will be taking care of you. You are going to be alright." Dr. Griffin places her hand over Anya's sweaty forehead, " Just keep breathing." She is running hot. Anya is fading in and out of consciousness but she sees a white glow coming from this person standing over her.

"Stay with me…" She vaguely hears her request and tries to keep on breathing. The doctor lifts the blood soaked shirt crumpled into her side and lifts her shirt slowly up to see a jagged knife mark a few inches long on her side. She pushes her stethoscope near the wound and discovers it did not puncture a lung and sighed in a small relief. Still plenty of organs to ruin she looks up to find the gurney nearing the vehicle. She jumps out as the gurney arrives with two burly nurses standing on opposite sides. She tells them the situation and they jump in the car to drag Anya onto the gurney.

"Keep pressure on this!" Dr. Griffin tells one of the nurses. Her demeanor changes rapidly as they wheel Anya into the ER. She tugs the two kids that were in the backseat with her asking them probing questions, " What HAPPENED? Who DID this?" Miller and Echo look at each other and refuse to say anything. Dr. Griffin turns red and shoves them both to sit down once they enter the building. "What is her name?" she asks, realizing these roughed up kids won't say anything else. The hospital is in the middle of North and South Denver so she is used to getting injuries like this wheeled in.

"Her name is Anya Woods." Miller mumbles.

"Okay. Stay here, both of you. I have to go save Anya Wood's LIFE!" She runs down the hallway to catch up to the bleeding girl on the gurney. The two doors to the ER swing shut and Miller and Echo let out a heavy breath at the same time.

"What the fuck…" Miller exhales. Echo looks at him with a stern glare. " We cannot tell them what happened tonight, we will all be expelled and even arrested! Anya would be kicked off the team. That is her whole life…" Echo explains. Miller winces, feeling his eyebrow with his fingers. He notices that he is bleeding. They look at each other just realizing how messed up they look after the brawl. Echo stands up and looks around. " Miller… we have to get out of here. Anya is safe now, we have to go before the police show up." Miller hesitates but understands this. They both slowly walk toward the door and Bryan is nowhere to be found.

"THAT FUCKING ASS! He left us Miller!" Echo yells while running to where the Denali was parked looking both ways. Miller sighs and says, " He is covering his own ass, that was his dads car! Come on Echo, let's just start walking… I will call someone." She complies and they start walking slowly north.

* * *

Lexa is at the pitch long after the stadium cleared out. The lights shut off about an hour ago. She is sitting in the scoreboard scaffold, replaying the last year over in her head.

 _How could I be so stupid, how could I let this happen?_ She asks herself as she tosses her head back, hitting the metal of the scoreboard over and over again. She begins to weep into her hands allowing nothing but sorrows fill her up. She is not angry. All she can feel is a deep hole, burrowing itself deeper and deeper on the inside. All of a sudden her side begins to burn and she grips it with a moan of pain. She thought Costia truly loved her. How could she have not known? Lexa gets up and edges herself toward the ledge. She feels dizzy but feels her heart tearing apart more and more as she breaths. Something doesn't' feel right. The scoreboard sits four stories high, over looking the stadium. It was newly installed after the rugby team kept winning and bringing in sponsors. All the sudden she feels like she is dying, physically sick she holds herself with one arm around her stomach, gripping her side.

 _I am nothing. Why should I even care anymore?_ Lexa questions her existence and shuffles a little further to the ledge. Half of her stance is now in mid-air, her heels keeping her weight from falling. The breeze is light and Lexa closes her eyes to feel the wind brush against her cheeks.

 _I don't care anymore. I owe nothing to anyone._

Anya crosses her mind, making her wince in pain almost too unbearable. _She will be fine. She is strong.  
_

As soon as she takes a deep breath, her phone rings. This jolts Lexa to open her eyes and she steps back off the ledge.

 _Who the fuck could this be?_ She curses under her breath as she searches for her phone in her bag. The thought of Anya traces her mind and she quickens the pace, realizing this feeling might not be just her heart breaking. She finds her phone and sees the caller ID.

 _Miller?… oh man Anya…_ She thinks in worry.

Lexa clears her throat and answers the phone. "He..Hello?"

"Hey Lexa?! I have some bad news," he stutters. He knows Lexa will freak out on him and he has always been afraid of Lexa.

"What is it Miller? Where is Anya?" She asks sternly.

"We… Well Lex..She is in the hospital." He pauses. When he doesn't hear anything from Lexa he continues, "We went to South-Den and we…."

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHAT HOSPITAL MILLER!?" Lexa interrupts him and is already climbing down the scaffold with speed.

"um.. We are near Central Medical. Anya was taken in the ER… Lexa I am so sorry."

Lexa sees red but keeps the phone to her ear as she gets into her Mini Cooper. She turns the engine and peels out of the parking lot so fast she leaves skid marks behind. Driving through stop signs and red lights Lexa asks, "MILLER… What happened?!"

Miller took a deep breath and told her the story. How Anya gathered everyone to find Costia for what she did to her and North-Den U, what Nia said about them, how Anya threw the first punch, how Anya was beating Costia's face in when Nia stabbed her in the side.

Lexa pulls the phone away from her ear to let out a small scream inside her mouth, tears rolling out of her ducts with out reprieve.

 _This is my fault. This would not have happened if it wasn't for me... oh Anya...  
_

Miller whispers, "Lexa?..."

She still has the phone held away from her face as she tries to stop her cry.

 _How could this be happening? This is all my fault. If only I said no to Costia when she asked me for coffee. If only I said no and listened to everyone who told me not to move forward with her._

She hates herself more than ever at this moment. But all that matters now is Anya. She has to make sure Anya's safe. Lexa skids around the corner that brings Central Medical into view. She sees Miller and Echo and pulls over, " GET IN!" she yells with out exception of any other action. Miller and Echo comply and they both get in the back. Neither of them dares to get in the front seat. Lexa doesn't care and she speeds down the road nearly hitting the light pole as she pulls the car up around the building in an ER parking space. She looks back at the both of them and states, " Stay here until I get back, I fucking mean it!" They both nod their heads as Lexa gets out of the car. She runs to the front desk and asks, " My sister Anya Woods!" breathing heavily, "she came in here not too long ago. She was stabbed, where is she?!"

The reception lady looks at Lexa with sad eyes and this makes Lexa tear up again, fearing the worst. "You poor thing" the receptionist starts.

 _OMG, she is she dead? I can't believe I let this happen…_ Lexa pinches her eyes shut to see if she can feel Anya.

 _I can still feel her!_ Her eyes shoot open to glare at the plump elderly women with reading glasses swinging from her neck. Before Lexa can curse at her the lady says, " She just got out of surgery. Do you girls have any parents to call?" Lexa grits her teeth and replies as calmly as she can, "No. Let me see her!" The receptionist nods her head and frowns. "Yes, let me page Dr. Griffin so she can explain to you what is going on and she will show you to her room, okay dear?" Lexa took a deep breath and through closed eyes nodded her head in compliance. She sat in the chair that was closest to her and picked up her knees so they met her chest. Curled up on the cold sterilized plastic, she began to weep. Her whole world was crashing down in one day.

 _What the hell is going on? My life is over._

Lexa wraps her arms around her knees and uncontrollably cries, the kind of cry that causes erratic breathing that you cannot seem to catch.

Fifteen minutes go by before Lexa feels a hand on her shoulder. She looks up and sees a sweet face wearing a lab coat. She looks at the name tag that says Dr. Griffin. She jumps up and asks, "How is Anya?!"

Dr. Griffin sits down in the seat next to the one Lexa was residing in, " Anya is stable now. But come sit down, I would like to talk to you. What is your name?"

Lexa grips her fists together and bites her cheek before sitting down.

"My name is Lexa." Her eyes are watery and she can't see clearly at all.

"Lexa, your sister was stabbed tonight. It ruptured her spleen and ripped her stomach open causing massive internal bleeding. I had to remove her spleen and mend her stomach. She also suffered a concussion." Dr. Griffin pauses to touch Lexa's shoulder. Lexa pulls back from the touch but nods her to go on.

"Your sister lost a lot of blood and to reduce the pressure in the brain we had to induce a coma. This allows her brain to heal and reduces any potential swelling. We have replenished most of the blood she lost but we wont know how her injuries have effected her until she wakes up."

Lexa winces at everything the doctor is saying and mutters, "When will she wake up? Can I see her? I would like to be with her please." She inches toward the ER doors; tears have yet to stop flowing.

"Come," Dr. Griffin gets up and extends her hand to show Lexa her sister. " I will take you to see her." Lexa looks up at the hand and dismisses it crossing her arms across her waist. Tucked tight in fear that she will fall apart if she lets herself go. She doesn't want anyone to touch her. She waits for the doctor to lead the way. It seems like ages before Dr. Griffin slows in front of a room with a large window and a wooden door. Lexa looks through the glass and sees Anya's bruised face. Her arms are hooked up to tubes and machines.

"Oh.." Lexa lets out a whimper and runs passed the doctor into the room. She grabs Anya's hand and pleads, " Please be okay Anya… Please… I can't… I am sorry. I am so so…" At this point her throat closes and she can only see tears again. She feels a chair scoot up to the back of her knees. Dr. Griffin has come into the room and slid a chair behind Lexa for her to sit. " You can stay here for as long as you like. If anything happens or if you need me, press this button right here." The doctor shows her the red button connected to the bed that alerts the nurses and doctors for assistance. "If she wakes up, press this button so we can see her progress." Lexa's head is still resting on Anya's hand entangled with hers. The doctor leans in with a hand hovering over her back, " Okay, Lexa?" Lexa nods with out lifting her head. The doctor pats her back softly before leaving the girl alone. An hour goes by before Lexa stops crying and remembers Miller and Echo are still in the car. She wipes her face and tells Anya she will be right back. Lexa leaves the room and memorizes the door number and how she got to this spot. In the parking lot she sees her black Mini Cooper and squints to make sure they both are still in the car. They are. She knocks on the glass and Miller opens the back door. " Hey Lexa! Is Anya okay? We are so worried." Echo says sticking her head over Miller toward Lexa in concern.

"She is stable but we wont be sure until she wakes up. I need you guys to go back to her place and pick up some clothes for us and over night things. Can you do that?" Lexa tiredly requests.

Echo jumps out of her side of the car and walks around to take the keys out of Lexa's hands. "Of course we will Lexa, anything you need." She hugs Lexa not caring if she would accept. Lexa stiffens and takes a step back.

"Take my car and come back with one of you in another car so I can have this for when she is able to come home." Echo nods and hops in the front seat. Miller steps out and extends his hand to put on her shoulder but Lexa turns to avoid the contact. He grimaces. He shuts the back door and walks to the passenger side looking over the car toward the broken girl. Lexa trusts these two because they are loyal to Anya. She knows that they would do anything for her. As she made her way back to the room Lexa saw Dr. Griffin in the lobby talking to a young blonde girl. The girl turned her head as her mom's eyes looked up. She saw Lexa slouch her head down and disappear into the hallway.

"Mom, I know her. She goes to my school," Clarke says to her mom.

"That is Lexa, I just performed surgery on her sister."

"What happened?" Clarke asked with a concerned look on her face.

"Honey, you know I cannot discuss that with you. But maybe you can help me. They don't have any parents to take care of them, maybe you can drop off some food later after your shift?" Dr. Griffin's eyes look sad and she pleas to her daughter to help lighten the guilt she feels for these girls.

"Sure mom," Clarke nervously accepts to appease her mother. She doesn't see her mom this way that often. " Are you alright?" Clarke asks.

"Yes baby, I just feel so sad. These girls had to raise themselves and they can't seem to catch a break." The doctor raises her hand up to her daughter's cheek, " I want what is best for you Clarke, and I will always love you no matter what." Clarke smiles at her mom's heart and replies, " I know mom. I love you too." Clarke turns to get back to work. She works at the hospital as a nurses assistant. She got her certification years ago and has been doing this to gain experience and knowledge of the practice.

It is 6am now and Lexa is sleeping in the chair with her head resting on the bed.

Clarke knocks on the door but no one mustered. She saw Lexa through the glass and tried to wake her with another knock. She didn't want to knock again so she let herself in. She had a pizza box in one hand and soda's in the other. Clarke see's the table in the corner of the room and walks slowly to set the sustenance down. Lexa is still sleeping and Clarke turns to look at Anya and then Lexa. She saw what her mom saw in that moment. She felt her heart sag at the sight of their abandonment. Clarke steps toward Lexa, wondering if she should just leave the food and walk out or if she should wake her up. She could tell Lexa was in a deep sleep because her breaths were full and steady.

 _She must have had a long day-_ Clarke thought to herself while noticing the girl was still wearing her uniform. Lexa took a deep breath and moved her head to readjust her position. Clarke inhaled hoping she was not waking just yet. Lexa's eyes were closed but her face was now facing her.

She inches closer, noticing Lexa's perfect complexion and gorgeous lips. Her brown hair was pulled back into a high ponytail but she had many fly-a-ways that found their way out of the grip of her hair tie.

 _Why haven't I ever met this girl?  
_

There is something about her that feels so familiar. After admiring her for too long, Clarke reaches a hand out to lightly shake Lexa awake. "Hey.." Clarke whispers. Lexa moans and squeezes her eyes shut. Clarke looks up out the window not sure if she should try again. She does.

"Hey… Lexa?" Clarke whispers a little louder. Lexa this time opens her swollen eyes to big bright blues staring back at her. Confused Lexa shifts back in her chair and rubs her eyes to better see. After she pulls her hands away from her face she sees the blonde she saw with the doctor in the lobby.

"What are you doing here?" Lexa asks, she looks around and sees the pizza in the corner and her stomach growls.

"I work here and My mom is Dr. Griffin. She asked me to come by and deliver some food for you, she said you need to eat something." Clarke began to get a little nervous so she rubs her arm subconsciously.

Lexa frowns as soon as the events that took place yesterday came crashing back on her. She looks at Anya and grabs her hand again. Tears begin to fill her eyes.

"My name is Clarke." she says as she turns and makes her way toward the corner table, grabbing a soda to give to Lexa. She walks slowly toward Lexa as not to alarm her. She extends the soda out in front of the brunette. The girl hesitates and swallows. Her throat is really dry and she could use a drink. She looks at the blonde and tries to smile but could only manage a flick of a grimace "Lexa." She states her name and nods.

Clarke nods back and smiles that she took her offering. She wants to leave her to be with her sister but she has a deep feeling that she should stay. So she steps backward into one of the chairs in the corner of the room with out saying a word.

Lexa notices that the girl sits down and doesn't leave. She takes a sip of the soda and the burn of the bubbles feels good against her dry throat. She takes a few large gulps before twisting the cap on and setting it beside her wedged against the chair and her thigh. She turns to look back at Clarke and she finds her looking out the window. Lexa thinks she is trying not to pry with her eyes but she can see the blonde looking out of peripherals. She is not sure what it is but she feels a lure to this girl. She immediately shoves that feeling down deep and punches herself in the leg. Clarke turns her head at the sound and shifts in her seat. Maybe staying wasn't such a good idea.

" I…I am sorry, I will let you be…" Clarke softly says as she gets up out of the chair. Lexa sinks and realizes how rude she was being.

Before Clarke takes any steps, Lexa mutters, "No… I am sorry Clarke. Thank you for bringing me the food. I've just had the worst day of my life."

Clarke stares at her for moment before sitting back down.

"oh… Lexa I.." she cuts herself off from saying she was sorry. She hates when people say they are sorry when they have no reason to. If it wasn't their fault then saying sorry gives little comfort. So she stops herself from saying it again.

Instead she asks, "Is it okay if I sit with you?"

Lexa stares back at Clarke and wonders, _Why would she want to stay?..._

"Um, sure. If you want." She replies with a weary look and focuses her attention back on Anya.

"She should be waking up soon," Clarke says. Lexa nods with out looking back. They sit in silence for the next hour and half. During that time Dr. Griffin has been in to check on Anya's vitals leans in to kiss the blonde's head and says she would be back.

 _Why is she still here? She doesn't know Anya or me._ Lexa is confused by this girl and prompts, " I appreciate you staying with me, but I have to ask… why?"

Clarke is surprised by her voice and blinks a few times before answering. She is glad Lexa isn't looking at her because she has no idea herself why she is still there.

"um.." Clarke struggles to come up with an answer. " I guess I feel like that I should."

Before Lexa could reply Anya's hand squeezes Lexa's still wrapped around hers causing Lexa to jump up and utter, " Anya?! I am here, I am right here."

Clarke jolts up and runs over to push the red button right next to Lexa's arm. Causing their bodies to touch as she leans in, she feels a heat coming from within her and the hairs on her arm stand up. Her heart picks up speed. She searches for a reaction from Lexa but doesn't find one and backs up toward the end of the bed.

Anya tries to sit up but winces at the pain. " Please, stay still Anya. The doctors are on their way." Anya looks around the room and sees the blonde. She lets out a dry question, "Who is she?" Lexa looks back at Clarke who is standing there with wide eyes and a hand up on her chest. " She is a friend Anya. Don't worry. You are safe." Lexa assures her by gripping her hand tighter.

Dr. Griffin comes into the room with a fast pace and checks the monitors. A nurse soon follows and checks on her bandages. They notice that she has bled through and they quickly change them with clean ones. After everything checks out externally.

The doctor prompts, " Do you know where you are?"

Anya nods.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Anya.."

"Good Anya, My name is Dr. Griffin. You are in the hospital. You were stabbed in the side and I have been taking care of you. Your surgery went well but right now I need you to lie still for me and let me check your eyes. You will see a bright light but I will need you to look straight ahead for me okay Anya?" Anya nods in understanding.

Dr. Griffin checks her pupil dilation to make sure her brain is okay.

" You are doing great Anya, everything is looking good. Do you remember what happened?"

Anya looks at Lexa and gives her a sorry filled stare. Lexa squeezes her hand in assurance and nods. Anya turns her head back toward the doctor and says, " No, I remember leaving the rugby game and the rest is hazy."

The doctor narrows her eyes, not believing she can't quite remember but she doesn't press further. "Okay Anya, we will need to monitor you over night before you can go home. Relax and try to get some rest so your body can heal okay?"

Anya nods and says, "Thanks doc." The doctor then taps Lexa's shoulder and guides her a few feet from the bed so they can speak.

"Since you are the only member of the family and her only emergency contact, we will need you to fill out some paperwork. I will fill out as much as I can but I will need you to read it over and sign a few things, all right?" Dr. Griffin's hand rests on Lexa's shoulder as she searches for the young girls understanding.

Lexa nods and scoots back toward Anya. The doctor looks back toward the blonde and waves her to leave the room. Clarke doesn't want to leave but knows they will need some time alone. She starts to leave but feels a soft hand land on her arm. Clarke freezes to the touch and looks down at Lexa's hand wrapped around it.

"Hey… Clarke, thank you for everything. It meant a lot that you stayed. It was nice to have the company even though mine wasn't that good." Lexa let out a small smile and blinked her light green eyes. Clarke was stunned at the sight of them. She smiles back and reached out a hand to put over the one that's resting on her arm. They stay like that for a few seconds before Lexa pulls back and averts her attention back to her sister. Clarke looks up at Anya who she finds glaring back at her. The blonde smiles nervously and steps out of the room letting out a deep breath.

 _What was that? Why did I react so oddly? Why do I feel so drained?  
_


	5. Chapter 5

_**-**_ **CH.5 And so it goes…**

 _The Shins- Girl Inform Me_

* * *

 _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

 _Harper gets introduced_

* * *

 **Present Time**

Anya's shower is getting cold as she rubs her fingers over the scar that lies there. She remembers everything about that day up from Nia stabbing her to waking up with Lexa holding her hand. Her scar stretched from around her side to near the middle of her stomach four inches above her belly button. It was larger than the initial cut because of the surgery. But it was a thin scar. Dr. Griffin is the best surgeon in the state. Anya was lucky and she knows it. She straightens up and turns the faucet off. Realizing no other faucets are going she climbs up to look into Lexa's stall and finds her gone. She lost track of time thinking about the past and quickly walks to her locker to change before her next class starts.

* * *

 **12:31pm**

"You guys! Shut up, I am telling you... this professor is so sexy, like I can't even concentrate in class. He is going to be the end of me!" Octavia moans into her burger.

Raven bites her tongue and glares at Clarke like she is suppose to do something as her appointed wingman. Clarke shrugs her shoulders and smiles apologetically.

"O, come on. He is a professor, plus Raven is now a professor and you already know her. So there is that hot student teacher action you're looking for!" Clarke giggles but all of the sudden she growls as a foot under the table kicks her shin. Raven wide eyed glaring at her even more intensely. That was maybe too much but what else was Clarke suppose to do? Shove their heads together and say, 'Be Together ALAKAZAM!'

Octavia smiles and laughs at the thought of Raven being a professor. She scoots into Raven and says, " Ohh yeah, you are going to be a hot teacher. All the girls are going to be all over your ass." O reaches down and playfully grabs Raven's ass. She perks up and gives her a slight smile. She knew that they agreed it was a casual thing over the summer but Raven was hoping for something more. Clarke knew how Raven felt but warned that Octavia was a wild thing. Raven realized she was about to make it awkward when she forced a laugh, " HAHA. Yeah, I will be covered in grease so they will all slip right off me anyways." They all burst out in laughter at the thought of all the girls sliding off Raven like a cartoon oil slick. Clarke sighs and looks down at her tray. She mindlessly picks at her French fries and has only one bite taken out of her burger, when Raven suddenly reaches over and grabs it to take a huge bite. Clarke looks up at her with squinty eyes.

With a full mouth Raven mumbles, "WHU, You weren't tuffing it. Girls Gotha Eat to Teash her Firth Clath." Clarke smiles at the sight of bread flying out of Raven's mouth as she tries to speak.

"It's okay, I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was. You can have it!"

Raven excitedly begins attacking the burger over her already cleaned plate. Clarke reaches into her pocket and clicks on the message app. Lexa's name keeps getting inched down the list, which isn't normal. Her name is usually at the very top. Clarke clicks on her name and begins to type.

Lexa sits in her cultural anthropology focused in violence class, re-reading Clarke's conversation. Her screen gets pulled down automatically, when she notices three dots appear. Lexa's heart slows and she can't help but smirk to the sight of Clarke typing her a message. She sets the phone down and waits for the message to come through.

 **12:37pm**

…

Clarke types, _Hey, How is your day?_ Only to quickly erase it and type again, _I miss you._ She erases it again…

Lexa is staring at these dots disappearing and reappearing. Her heart melts into her stomach and she realizes Clarke doesn't know what to say. So she picks up her phone and she starts to type.

 **12:48pm**

…

Clarke's eyes peel open to the sight of Lexa typing.

 _Fuck, had she seen that I'd had been typing and erasing this whole time?_ Embarrassed Clarke puts her phone back into her pocket. Raven and Octavia are getting up because Raven has to get to her workshop for her first day of teaching by 1.

"You coming Griffin?" Raven asks.

"Ye…yeah, I'm up!" Clarke mutters and scoots out of the booth grabbing a few fries on her way off. She follows the girls back on campus, lingering behind to think about everything. Raven and Octavia walk hand in hand and she smiles at the sight of them together. Campus is only a few blocks from where they were. After dropping Raven off at her shop, Octavia wraps her arm around Clarkes and skips her to their favorite spot under the huge metal statue that sits on top of a hill. This statue was ginormous and was placed in the middle of campus as an anchor. If students get lost they can follow the site of the tree to the large map that is perched at the bottom of the hill. The North-Den campus was the largest campus in the state. The statue was of a tree with a huge eagle perched on an extended branch. This tree had no bloom but it was said have been over 100 years old. This sacred tree was home to many Eagles in its time and would never let any storm knock it down. It is rumored to still be alive to this day but not so much thriving as just surviving.

 **1:10pm**

 _ **Bzzzz**_

Clarke feels her pocket vibrate. Octavia has her laptop open already getting started on her thesis prompt for Thursday. Clarke never sees Octavia get a head start on homework. Especially if its due in two days instead of hours before. She knows that this professor must be something in order for her to dive in this early. She smiles at the thought, as she reaches into her pocket to find Lexa's message.

 **1:10pm**

 _Lexa: Hey Clarke, I know you aren't ready for anything. I am not sure that I am either, I just really like being around you. I don't want you to think that I am pressuring you to be with me. I will always be here for you no matter what you want. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. You make me feel comfortable in my own skin, like you want nothing from me. People always want to take something from me, but with you I feel safe. I feel that we can just be standing next to each other and I will be completely okay with whatever happens…_

 _Lexa: I guess I just wanted you to know that I am okay with waiting._

Clarke reads her message over and over again. She realizes she hurt Lexa by leaving this morning more than she knew. Clarke shuts her eyes and leans her head against the statue's trunk. Letting out a deep breath, she starts to type.

 **1:20pm**

…

* * *

Lexa is now out of class, walking to her theories class, which is right after the first one starting at 1:25pm. She has the conversation still open, waiting for Clarke to type anything. She sits down into her seat and puts the phone in the middle of her desk wrapping her arms around it and setting her head down on top. She burrows her head deep as she tries to escape in to her thoughts. She replays this morning in her head. Her favorite part making its way to the front of her mind so she can hear the noise Clarke made at that moment. As soon as it was getting to the good part, a girl scoots passed her and knocks her arms almost off her desk.

"Oh man, I'm sorry…"

Lexa lifts her head up to see a dirty blonde scoot by and sit right next to her.

"Its fine." She says dryly as she puts her head back down around her phone. Trying to get back to her thoughts, she is interrupted again.

"My name is Harper. What's yours?" Lexa groans internally and squints her eyes before lifting her head up to really look at the girl who is crossing her boundary.

She is a cute petite dirty blonde; her hair flows wavy like it was just let out of a restricting braid. Lexa softens her look because her blonde hair reminds her of Clarke. Her eyes are hazel, which makes Lexa shake off her comparison and extend a greeting, " Hey, I'm Lexa."

" I am sorry I knocked you with my fat ass," Harper expresses with a giggle. Lexa smirks and subconsciously looks down and notices that she definitely does not have a fat ass and turns back to the front of the class and stretches her arms out toward to sky, "Ohh Please." Rolling her eyes under her eyelids. The girl was obviously provoking to be checked out.

The sight of Lexa's eyes skim her body made the girl perk up and stare at Lexa's as her shirt rose with her arms. The girl can see a toned stomach peeking out and she tucks her blonde hair behind her ear in nervousness. Clearing her throat as she shifts toward the front of the room, she smiles to herself. Lexa is sitting straight up now and opens her backpack to grab a pencil. She glances at the girl from the corner of her eye. She can't help but notice that this girl was flirting with her. The professor passes out the syllabus and hands Lexa a stack to pass out because she is at the edge of the aisle. She takes one and passes the rest to the girl next to her with out looking on purpose. Harper reaches her hand out and grazes Lexa's hand as she takes the papers. Lexa notices but doesn't react.

 _ **Bzzz**_

Lexa jumps slightly at the feeling of her phone vibrating on the desk; her mind now back to the blue-eyed girl she had just heard cum this morning. She smiles big at the thought. Harper notices Lexa's huge smile as she looks at her phone and proceeds to slump a little in her seat. Lexa unlocks her phone and reads Clarke's name under new message. She loves getting texts from her.

 **1:28pm**

 _Clarke: I always want you in my life Lexa. I can't tell you how good you make me feel, especially this morning ;) I don't want you to think I don't want you. Because I do, I just need to take it slow but that almost seems impossible with you. Can we talk after school today? Octavia is throwing a coming back to school party and everyone is going to be there. Please come._

"What's got you so smiley?" The sound of the unfamiliar voice makes Lexa look up half-heartedly. She finds Harper staring at her. Lexa starts to feel annoyed and says, " Oh nothing, just a girl." Only she isn't just a girl, she is way more than that but this girl doesn't deserve to know more than that. Lexa smiles as she types a reply.

 **1:30pm**

 _Lexa: I wouldn't miss it.  
_

She puts her phone in her pocket and realizes that the girl is smiling at her now. She turns and utters a dry, "what?"

"You like girls, huh?" Harper says through her hopeful grin.

Lexa looks forward trying to ignore the eagerness of this girl's question and opens her syllabus and begins to write what the professor is saying.

"I am just asking because I do too…" Harper looks back toward the front of the class a little discouraged but still really drawn to this green-eyed girl. She pulls out a pen from her bag and mimics Lexa's actions and starts to pay mind to the professor.

Lexa doesn't offer the girl any more of her attention until the class is over. She packs up her things and stands up, " Nice to meet you Harper, see you around."

The girl quickly packs her stuff in her bag and replies, " Oh, you too Lexa. I hope to see you soon." She nervously brushes her hair behind her ear again and squeezes passed Lexa before she could get out of the way. Making sure her ass brushes the front of Lexa's black skinny jeans as she exits, she trots down the steps only to look back at Lexa with a smirk. Lexa stands there with her arms slightly raised up, not sure what just happened. She grins and shakes her head at the attention, puts her backpack on and heads out in the opposite direction.

Lexa has a break before her next class at 3:30 and decides to get something to eat. Texting Anya if she wants to join, she runs into someone dropping her phone.

With out looking up she expresses, "OH My, I am so sorry" She looks down at her phone and before she could reach down to grab it, it was already being swooped up. At this time Lexa notices it was Harper. She rolls her eyes with out letting her see and stands up.

"You again." Lexa says not looking amused by this girls obvious demeanor.

"Me again!" Harper says letting Lexa's rigid behavior roll over her. "Seems as though fate wants us to meet" She giggles as she looks at Lexa's phone. "Anya... is that your girlfriend?" she asks while swaying her shoulders forward and backward playfully. Lexa extends her hand in silent request for her phone back and utters, "no." The girl smiles in satisfaction and starts typing on Lexa's phone. "Hey! What are you doing?" Lexa leaps forward trying to grab her privacy back when the girl jerks away and laughs at her attempt. "I am putting my phone number in here like the gods want, Lexa. You should relax more, and that is where I will come in handy."

 _Oh my god, this girl is relentless. She can't take a hint._ Lexa relaxes slightly, giving up on the idea that this girl will back off.

"There, I put it under Harper with a heart and a cloud next to it." She hands her phone back with a snarky shrivel of her nose.

"You know, you are really forward..." Lexa says grabbing her phone out of the greedy girls hand.

"I know. In life you go after what you want or you will lose it in a flash." She lifts her hand and toodles her fingers before walking off. Lexa guesses she did this only to add dramatic effect to what she was saying. She looks down at her phone and edits Harper's name.

 _Greedy Girl_ she types instead of Harper and laughs out loud.

 **Bzzz**

New Message-Anya

 **2:30pm**

 _Anya: Yeah, I am starving! Lets just grab something quick on campus I have class in thirty minutes. Meet by the tree.  
_

Lexa reads the text and runs toward the middle of campus. Anya is waiting for her by the statue with someone by her side. Lexa kind of recognizes her but can't get a good look before the woman runs off into the parking lot on the east side. She runs up to the hill to greet Anya.

"Who was that?" Looking out toward the woman in the parking lot getting into a truck.

"No one. Lets eat!" Anya says dismissively. Lexa looks at her through squinted eyes and does not press further.

 _They seemed kind of close and Why was Anya being weird about it?_ Lexa wonders as they approach the Spruce Hall cafeteria. All the halls were named after a type of tree. The cafeteria was huge, lined with cooled shelves with anything you wanted. They had sushi, salad, burritos, banana pudding, subs, lunchables, fruit, and a lot more random junk. Lexa didn't like to eat junk food so she went up to the food line that was cooked fresh everyday. Today was panini day so she made herself a turkey, havarti and avocado panini while Anya grabbed the ready to eat sushi. They found a spot outside to sit and enjoy their lunch.

"So Lex, how is Clarke?" Anya asks rubbing her chopsticks together before grabbing a california roll.

Lexa chokes a little on her panini not expecting the question. No one knows what really had happened this morning but every time she thinks of her she feels naughty and that everyone knows it.

"Umm" she hesitates with a bite still working in her mouth. "She is great."

Anya gazes at her waiting for more, putting another piece of shushi in her mouth. "mmhmm.. and?" Lexa doesn't know what is going on exactly but she desperately wants to talk about it with someone who won't judge so she opens up.

"Well, this morning we kissed and stuff. I am not sure where it is going." Anya stops chewing and smiles like she already knew that part because of the marks on Lexa's body. She figured they had come from Clarke.

Lexa continues,"I feel so vulnerable around her Anya. I told myself I would never let anyone hurt me again and I feel myself hurting because I want her. When I have her near me it hurts in a good way and when I am not with her it hurts in a bad way. Am I making any sense?"

Anya is listening intently, just happy to hear Lexa talk so freely like this. "Lexa.." Anya giggles a little.

"You're IN love!" Lexa's cheeks flush with red and runs her hand through her hair to pull it to one side.

"I dont know Anya, I have never felt this way before not even with Costia."

Anya winces at the mention of that name and she blurts, "You weren't in love with her."

 _I thought I was..._ Lexa thinks to herself now more confused than ever.

"Lexa, you loved the idea of Costia but you never talked about her like you do Clarke. You never looked excited at the mere mention of her name like you do Clarke. When you two first met, it was like watching a moth to a flame. You guys were so awkward yet you couldn't stop gravitating toward each other. Be careful but don't be too careful Lexa. You deserve to be happy, you have always put yourself second and I think its time you get what you want out of life."

Lexa is looking out toward the students walking by them, thinking about what Anya was saying. Maybe she didn't love Costia like she does Clarke and she needs to stop letting her past dictate how she acts with Clarke. Some part of Lexa feels that once she lets her guard down that Clarke will change her mind and trick her just like Costia. She can't handle the intensity of her feelings for Clarke and if she did change her mind after Lexa lets her in. She doesn't think she would recover from that.

"Hey..."

Lexa snaps her head back to look at Anya answering her with her attention.

"Lighten up sis, enjoy life. Let yourself feel the pain and the joy that comes from it. I got a second chance and I realized that life isn't worth hiding in a shell just so you wont feel pain. Because then you limit yourself from feeling anything at all. And what is a life with out feelings? I met.." Anya trails off and turns her head putting her chin in her hand.

Lexa has never heard Anya talk so optimistically about life before. "You met...someone?" Lexa asks leaning in to entice a reply. Anya gets nervous and starts packing up her sushi.

"Oh damn, I am going to be late for class." She gets up and starts making her way toward the trash bin across the pathway.

Lexa jumps out of the seat and catches up to her, "Wait! you can't just leave me hanging on like that. I opened up to you, so you owe me!" Anya picks up her pace and yells back with a huge grin, "I'll see you later Lex!"

Lexa stops and shakes her head with a smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**-CH.6 Hells Bells**

Them Crooked Vultures- Dead End Friends

* * *

 _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

 _This chapter introduces Bellamy's character and Jaha as a cat  
_

* * *

Her thighs are wrapped around him as she takes her last breath of her orgasm. He grunts into her shoulder before slamming his head down on the pillow behind him. She laughs and stays mounted on top while she pulls her hair back into a ponytail.

"ohh Bellamy, that was great." She says absent-mindedly looking around his place. He has a small apartment but its décor is eclectic. He likes to travel around on his motorcycle, never staying at the same place twice. Escaping on the open road, visiting random towns and collecting mementos. She notices a bongo drum in the corner and utters, " Where did you get those cute little drums at?"

Bellamy groans and rolls to the side, pushing her off him at the same time. She doesn't notice his discontent and hops up toward the drums to play. Banging from one drum to the next, Bellamy grabs a pillow and slams it down on his face. This was a regular routine for Bellamy. He would go to the bar and pick up a random girl and bring her back with him. In this he would find a sense of control. He knew what he got every time and he knew what he didn't get. Despite the fact that he was never satisfied, he still liked the chase. But after getting them in bed and waking up the next morning, he was bored. The drumming girl began to overstay her welcome.

Bellamy lifts the pillow off his face and reaches for her shirt on the floor.

" Here, I believe this is yours," he states while tossing it to her. He scoots off the bed into the bathroom. Slamming the door shut, he turns to the sink and twists the cold faucet on full blast. He hopes to drown the girl out still drumming, splashing water on his face. His hands grip both sides of the porcelain sink as he takes a big breath. Something has got to change. He walks back out into the room and watches the girl's breasts shake as she beats on the drums trying to hold a rhythm. This amuses him a little, so he leans against the wall and watches her. She has no care in the world. He hasn't treated her very well and she is still happy. Content with just banging on those drums, he makes his way over to her and grabs her hands. Lifting her up to stand, he kisses her on the top of the head and whispers in her ear, " You should go."

She drops her hands and pulls away from him. They had spent all night and day together.

"What the hell, WHY?!"

Bellamy scratches his head and says, " Because I have to go."

"Where are you going? You fuck me all day and then tell me to leave? Un-fucking-believable!"

"Why do I always sleep with assholes?" She says while she picks up all her clothes off the floor. As she is putting her bra on, Bellamy mutters, "I am sorry. I am an asshole." She sighs and kisses him, waiting for his plea. She doesn't get it and scoffs before she pulls on her shirt and storms out. A little conflicted he walks to the bathroom to take a shower. The water washes last night's mistake off of him. He thinks back to the summer two years ago where they were alone together for weeks. She wanted to travel alone after Finn's death but he convinced her to allow him to come. Her eyes still stuck in the back of his mind. That kiss was well over due so he made sure to make it last.

Bellamy steps out of the shower still thinking about this girl and checks his phone. He has one message and promptly opens his flip phone and sees its just O.

 **8:00pm**

 _O: Hey Bell! I heard you are back in town and wanted to invite you to come to my party tonight! We would all love to see you._

He smiles at the thought of seeing Octavia and he replies.

 **8:01pm**

 _Big Bro: Hey O! I've missed you! I got back yesterday. Who is all going?_

He puts the phone back down on the dresser and finds a soft white Henley to wear. Drying his hair with a towel in one hand and brushes his teeth with the other. He looks around his apartment and sees his bed disheveled, the drums have fallen over, his drapes are wide open revealing the view over the city, and his cat Jaha sits on the windowsill. The cat turns to look at Bellamy and jumps down to brush up against his leg. _Meow._ Bellamy smirks and crouches down to pet Jaha's magnificent colors of black, orange, and white. He hears his phone buzz again and he grabs it off the dresser and crouches back down to Jaha. His toothbrush sticks out of his mouth as he reads the text.

 **8:13pm**

 _O: Excellent, then I will not accept a no. You WILL be at this party. Clarke will be here; I know that is why you are asking. But so will Monty, Jasper, Raven and Lexa. Lets just all have a good time, like the old days Bell._

He reads the text and smiles a limp grin. Letting a deep sigh roll out from his chest, he pets Jaha near his tail to where he raises his butt high in the air. Bellamy's long hair is now resting half dry down his face. Bellamy pulls his hair back and ties it into a dashing man bun. He gets up and stretches his arms up as tall as they can go before he replies.

 **8:32pm**

 _Big Bro: OK, I will be there. How much time do I have?_

 _O: The Party starts at 10pm. It's at my place off willow circle. Come over whenever, can't wait to see you!_


	7. Chapter 7

**-CH.7 Idle hands make the devils plaything**

 _Dotan- Hungry (Niklas Ibach Remix)_

* * *

 _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

* * *

 **7:50pm**

Clarke is finished with her last class and starts to head back to her and Octavia's house. Not really looking forward to party tonight because she is tired, she starts to think about what she is going to wear. They are renting a house a few streets away from the school. The landlord was pretty lenient and they had their own backyard. This made for the perfect party house and it quickly became so. They lived on Houston Street, so after a few parties they earned the name of the Houston Hut. _Party at the Houston Hut!_

The term stuck and everyone knew where the Hut was. Tonight was going to be huge, it was one of the last parties before the real work began at school. Clarke was sure everyone was going to be there. She arrives at the Hut and dismounts her scooter and walks up to check the mail. She finds a few bills and a letter addressed to her. She throws the mail in the rack labeled Snail Mail on the wall near the door and hung her keys up on the hooks below. The house was a proper college home with multiple couches and tapestries hanging from the windows as curtains. It was homey. It was home to a lot of them. Most nights the boys slept on the couch and the girls would pile in on Clarke's king size bed. Her family was well off and took care of most of the rent. Octavia was already home, Tuesdays were her short days. Clarke flips over the edge of the couch and lands right next to O. She is watching the walking dead and browsing social media on her phone. Clarke never cared for networking like that. Ever since Finn, she hasn't felt the need to put herself out there for everyone to see. Octavia puts her legs over the blonde's lap and asks,

"How was your day Clarke Barke?"

Clarke rolls her eyes at the nick name and replies, "Slow and boring." She lies and peeks back into her memory to hear Lexa's moan in her ear. Smirking with out thinking about it, Octavia throws a pillow at her face.

"Yeah… like that smile says boring! Spill it!" Clarke laughs and gives a short retort, "Nope." O takes this as a challenge and sits up shoving her hands under Clarke's arms and starts tickling with all her might. Clarke squirms and tries to squeeze Octavia's hands to death with her armpits, "Stahhhp, O! hahaha" She knows she will not stop until she gives it up.

"Okay, okay O! I will tell you if you STOP!" Octavia jerks her hands back and raises them up in the air as a truce.

"Tell me Clarke, you are blushing! Did you meet someone?" Clarke shakes her head and lightly tucks her hair behind her ears. "Promise me you won't tell anyone O?" She nods and throws two fingers up in the air and says, "girl scouts honor." With a smile she glides the two fingers under her nose and sniffs as she drags them across her smirked upper lip. Clarke laughs and pushes her hand into Octavia's face, knocking her back into the couch cushions.

Clarke clears her throat and begins to divulge, " Okay, so… Lexa texted me this morning and we met at our usual spot in room 307." In response Octavia's eyes open wide and nudges the blonde's arm, " LEXA?!" Clarke sighs and gives her a stern look.

"Okay, yeah. Go on!" she says as she smiles a huge grin trying to hold in her excitement.

"So I meet her and as soon as I walk in she grabs me and pushes me up against the wall. We end up making out so hard and long that we both came standing up wrapped around each other with our clothes still on." Clarke closes her eyes as she utters those last words, preparing for Octavia's reaction. When she doesn't feel a punch on her arm, she opens her eyes to finds Octavia's mouth wide open.

"What, Is Octavia Blake speechless for the first time?!" Clarke giggles in nervousness and surprise at her friend's reaction.

"Say something!" she spouts.

Octavia swallows and throws her hands up in the air and yells, "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU SLUT!" Dancing her arms up and down, "Its about damn time Clarke!" She laughs.

Clarke blinks and smiles a huge toothy smile. "What do you mean?" biting her lip at the thought of her and Lexa.

"Everyone has been waiting for you two to hook up for over a year!" her friend lifts her legs up off from Clarke and sits up giving her full serious attention."Listen Clarke, I know it hasn't been an easy few years for you but you deserve to be happy. Lexa is an amazing person and she really cares about you. Everyone knows she favors you, you two have always been so close. I think you should let down your walls and let her in."

Clarke stares at her hands, thinking about Finn and the day Lexa hurt her.

Octavia can feel Clarke close up and she wraps an arm around her.

"Hey… you know I have been with you the whole way. I will be here if anything happens. It's okay to be vulnerable. Besides, she didn't mean to hurt you those years ago. She was also going through a terrible time in her life."

Clarke winces at the feeling she remembers having. Lexa and her had just met at the hospital that year. They had an automatic draw toward each other.

* * *

 _Roughly 3 years ago_

 _Before Anya was discharged to go home, Clarke had returned to offer Lexa her phone number if she needed anything at all_.

 _\- Clarke knocked on the door to Anya's room. Lexa opened the door while her head was turned toward Anya, " Anya wait. Let me help you!" Lexa turns and steps back at the sight of Clarke. She inhales a sharp breath in reaction. Clarke_ _looks down and nervously tucks her hair behind her ear. "What are..." before Lexa can ask her what she is doing there Clarke extends her hand with a piece of paper in it. "Here, My mom wanted to give you guys her phone number in case Anya needed any advice or help with her injury. I… um, added my number on there as well in case you wanted to talk or just hang out or whatever." Lexa hesitated before she reached out to grab the paper from her. Clarke held the paper deep in her hand so Lexa would have to touch her skin again. Lexa's fingers grazed Clarke's and this time the blonde wanted to see if Lexa felt what she had felt the other day. She noticed the brunette shudder as her fingers slipped inside Clarke's loose hand. This made her smile. "Uh, thanks." Lexa stated as she smirked and turned to help Anya gather her things. They had changed and Lexa was wearing black joggers, an old baseball shirt that had stripes all the way down it, and a baseball cap with her hair down beneath it. Clarke watched her help her sister into the wheel chair and walked them out, opening the doors all along the way. "Thank you again Clarke." Lexa said with green eyes, deeper today than they had been when she arrived. Clarke noticed that her eyes turned light grey green when she cried and her normal eye color was an olive forest green. She couldn't quite pin the color to a name in existence but god they were green. They were so stunning._

 _She replies, "Anytime Lexa. I am here if you ever need to talk."_

" _Can We GO?!" Anya interrupts. Lexa blinks a few times and smiles toward Clarke before helping Anya into the passenger seat and walking around the front of the car toward the driver side. The blonde is standing on the sidewalk and Lexa notices her smooth skin in the sunlight and a cute freckle that sits just above her top lip. She swallows at the feeling she is getting and grits her teeth. Giving the blonde one more look, she smiles and falls into the car._

* * *

Octavia brings her back to reality by squeezing her shoulders into her chest.

"Hey… come back to me."

Clarke lifts her head and grins, " I am lucky to have you O. Thank you for being there for me. I just don't think I am ready yet."

Octavia nods and tries to lighten the mood by hopping off the couch and pulling on Clarke's arms to get up. "Lets get you all dolled up and ready for this smashing party! What do you say?"

With a hesitant smirk on her face she sighs in response, " ohhhhkay…"

"THAT A GIRL!" She pulls on Clarke's hands and leads her toward her bedroom closet.

"First lets choose a sexy outfit for you!" Clarke moans at the thought of being uncomfortable all night.

"Can it be a comfortable sexy outfit? I really don't want to have to keep all proper in my own home." Octavia loosens her shoulders a bit and pouts but complies by skipping over the dresses and skirts. She pulls out a thin black button up and a pair of light blue acid wash boyfriend jeans that roll up at the bottom. Clarke is glad she picked comfy casual and she smiles at the choice.

"Okay, Now get ready Clarke. I am going to take a shower and get sexxaayyy" She says as she runs out of the room.

Clarke takes her shirt off and sits on the bed.

 **8:45pm**

 **Bzzzz**

Clarke feels her phone vibrate in her pocket and she gets excited. She pulls it out and sees Bellamy's name glint across the phone. Her excitement fades a bit but hasn't heard from Bell in a while.

 **8:45pm**

 _Bell: Hey you, I am coming to the party tonight. What are you wearing ;)_

Clarke rolls her eyes at his forward flirtation. Bellamy is always blunt and boyish. Though he has this charm that always makes her smile.

 **8:46pm**

 _Clarke Griffin: Hey Bell! Glad to hear you are coming! I am wearing a burlap sack. Don't get too excited._

 _Bell: You could make a burlap sack look good. How are you, kid?_

 _Clarke Griffin: I am good Bell. First day of class was exciting…_

 _Bell: haha, I bet. I will be there soon. Don't let the party start with out me babe._

Clarke shakes her head and slides her fingers through her hair in frustration. That one kiss they shared was a mistake and she was weak and sad at the time. She felt so guilty afterwards because she could see Bellamy aching to repeat that day in New Mexico. She lets her body fall back onto the bed and closes her eyes. She allows her mind to drift to those weeks on the road, trying to run from the reality of Finn's death. He died because of her. She still blames herself but she understands it wasn't all her fault. She just caused the accident because he was out looking for her is all, she just was the reason he wasn't paying attention.

 _It was my fault… If I hadn't run away from him he would still be alive. If I had just let him love me, he would still be here to laugh with._

 _Three years ago Clarke's father died in December and Finn was there to comfort her right after it happened. It was late January now. They lived in the country area where woods surrounded every neighborhood and road. Finn was asking her how she felt about him and Clarke couldn't really answer. They weren't having sex that often and Finn was concerned that she didn't love him anymore. Clarke couldn't handle the pressure so she ran out of the room where her and Finn were talking and she didn't look back. Finn ran after her but she was gone into the woods before he could follow. He ran back inside to grab a flashlight and sprinted toward the wood. He looked for hours before heading back toward the house to alert Abby. She urged him to go look with his truck to search and she would stay by the phone in case she called or came home. He searched all night. There was a drunk driver headed toward him as he poked his head out of the window to yell for Clarke. They were on a two-way road near the woods and Finn was upset so he wasn't paying attention. His foot was on the gas while looking out the window for her constantly. The drunk driver didn't see him and vice versa. The wreckage was unrecognizable._

Clarke rubs tears out from her ears that had fallen in there while on her back. She pushes herself up to jump in the shower to rinse today off her. Stepping into her bathroom, she turns on the shower to the hottest setting. She takes her clothes off and looks in the mirror fully naked. She notices a mark near her shoulder and a few marks up her neck and squints closer.

 _What the…_

She runs her fingers across each of them and her eyes snap open to the realization. _Lexa…_

She closes her eyes as she runs her fingers across the marks. Remembering the feeling of her lips and tongue on her skin, she subconsciously starts to caress her stomach.

 _-Lexa lets out a moan, "I want you Clarke" right into her mouth. –_ She remembers this over and over again. _  
_

Clarke goes through the morning in her mind as her hand slides up to her breasts. Nipples hard she pinches her left one in between her fingers as her right hand is still caressing the marks Lexa left her. She bites her lip and opens her eyes to the site of her arms across her own body. The shower is steaming the bathroom up as she stares at herself. Clarke realizes people will start arriving soon and jumps into the welcoming hot stream. She never really loved her body but Lexa made her feel so good about it. This morning is on her mind so she looks to some relief in the comfort of her shower. She leans against the cool tiled wall and lets the water beat on her stomach. Wanting to feel it hit her clit, she scoots her butt further back and reaches her hand down to help raise herself to feel the stream all over her spot.

 _Mmm, Lexa…_ She imagines the brunette between her legs, touching her lips to her core. She bites her lip again and brings her other hand down to feel her wetness collect as she thinks about her green eyes looking up at her in hunger. Her finger now drawing circles on her clit as the water smacks down on it simultaneously. She draws a moan and continues with her other hand to tease her insides. She hooks her finger up inside to quicken her pace.

"Ohhmm…" She lets out a breathy moan. Her back arches against the tile. She is getting hot and on the verge. She turns around to rest her cheek against the tile feeling it cool her face down and she spreads her legs further in order to allow two fingers inside. Her other hand rubbing hard against her clit as she moves her hips up and down to meet her finger's thrust. The sound it makes causes her to breathe faster and louder.

 _Oh my god.. mmm- S_ he thinks of Lexa's moan in her ear as she grinds on Clarke's leg in that room. Lexa is telling her to be quiet because she couldn't keep her noises inward unlike now.

"OhhLex…ahh…mmmm…mmm" Clarke lets herself go and fucks herself with veracity. Each pump makes an audible moan come off her tongue. "Mmm...mmmm...uhhh," Her knees shake and she lets out a long gasp, "Fuuuuuuuuckkkk." She slowly melts to the floor of the shower, legs shaking. She turns over to let the water run over her face and chest. She needed that. Her heart is racing but she feels renewed. She had been holding it in all day. Reaching out to grip the tub to lift her body to her feet, she grunts and barely makes her wobbly legs lift her weight. She lathers herself up with her favorite soap and makes sure she shaves everything before tonight. She is not sure what will happen but she wants to be ready for anything.


	8. Chapter 8

**-Ch.8 Hit me with your best shot **

_Beastie Boys- Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win (Ft. Santigold)_

* * *

 _Italics mean thoughts or a memory depicted in real time_

* * *

The Houston Hut is fully stocked and set up for the ravaging it was about to take. Trashcan punch in an igloo cooler, fridge lined with Shiner, Miller Lite, Heineken, and most importantly (according to Octavia) Jell-O shots! Two kegs were ordered for in the house and the backyard, where they had three beer pong tables and outdoor couches with an extra large trampoline behind them. Surround sound covers the indoor walls and the backyard are two speakers poking out. Raven recently installed a projector, which displayed movies as well as visual lights that danced along to music. Only installed because Raven and Octavia were wrestling one day while no one was home and knocked it off the stand. Or they said. No one complained because with Raven's new job, she splurged on the Hut. She stayed there most days anyway. Clarke littered the house with bowls of chips, Chex Mix, and Jimmy John sandwiches. She knew her friends would not take care of themselves because, " _you get tipsy faster if you don't eat"_. Clarke never understood that concept. How could you go with out eating?

 **9:58pm**

Clarke stands in front of her closet mirror and was deciding if this was the outfit she wants to wear. Octavia had picked out a black button up, light blue acid wash jeans, and Clarke chose comfortable white Vans. Pinching her shirt between her thumb and pointer finger, Clarke lifts the shirt outwards so she can peek at herself. She chose to wear a black lace bra with matching underwear. "I guess this is the best your gonna get." she says to herself. Her hair is dry after running to the store for food. She let the window down to invite the wind to play with her hair. She puts her hair up in clip, allowing a few wavy hairs to fall on her cheeks.

Mascara wraps itself for dear life around her individual eyelashes as she squints at the burn of the pre-game shots Octavia has made for them. She is determined to have a good time and pours them another right after first one.

"What the hell are in these, O?!" Clarke spits, sticking out her tongue.

"haha, its called the Blake's Brew! You can handle it boozy boo, lets go for ROUND 2!"

Before they could take another shot there was a knock at the door. They both look at each other and smile.

 **Knock Knock**

"It is TIME!" Octavia bangs on her chest like a wild animal. She was wearing a fitted red leather vest with a cheetah print bra underneath. Her jeans were as tight on her as her skin. Octavia was hot in everything she wore but tonight she had a certain daring look. Her hair had a few braids tangled in it but mostly it was down and teased. Her eyes were dark and perfectly shady. She runs barefoot to the door in glee.

Clarke runs passed O with a quick sprint. "BEAT YA!" She whips the door open to a shaggy muscular fellow sporting a leather motorcycle jacket and a toothy smile that stretches from ear to ear.

"BELLS!" Clarke gasps and jumped up to latch her arms around Bellamy's neck. He grabbed her with one arm around her waste, holding his helmet in the other hand.

"Hey princess, happy to see me?" He spins her around once and walks into the house to see Octavia jumping up and down impatiently. "BELLS BELLS, HELLS BELLS!" she sings as her big brother walks in.

"Bitch get off him, it's my turn!" Bellamy lets out a deep chuckle and slides Clarke down body and off leg as to gently set her feet on the ground. Clarke blushes because this movement raised her shirt almost up to her chest. She brushes it off and quickly straightens up before pulling her phone out of her pocket to type. Bellamy's eyes linger on her a bit until Octavia punches him in the shoulder and starts attacking him.

 **10:05pm**

 _Clarke: Are you coming?_

Clarke texts Lexa, not having heard from her since earlier in the day. She looks up and sees Octavia wrestling Bellamy to the ground and pinning him between the couch and the wall.

"ARGHH, come on! IM STUCK O!" she laughs at the sight of him wedged in-between and she snaps a picture to upload on Instagram. She hashtags it big brother, stuck in a hard place, can't get up, and Houston Hut.

The girls giggle at him for a few minutes before more people start to arrive. Clarke reaches a hand out to Bellamy and pulls him out of his wedge. "THANKS princess, GEEZ! That girl has got some pent up fire. Always has.." He huffs.

They head to the kitchen to take more Blake's Brew shots and Monty, Jasper, and Raven join in.

"TO FRIENDS!" Jasper yells as she happily takes the shot, extending his shot glass out for another. Jasper liked to drink because he could never deal with his feelings otherwise. He invited this girl named Maya that he has been crushing on for months. She volunteers at the YMCA center across the street from North-Den.

"Is this girl of yours going to show up tonight?" Raven asks, making her way over to the trashcan punch and poured herself a healthy amount in her solo cup. Jasper looked weary and took another shot.

"I hope so." Jasper says but I am just ready to party! Monty tosses him a look and grabs a solo cup to fill with beer.

"Where is Lexa?" Octavia whispers. Clarke shakes her head and takes another shot.

* * *

 **10:30pm**

Lexa is in her apartment working out, letting out her frustrations. She works out when she can't get something off her mind or if she just needs to let out steam. She has a full work out set in her spare bedroom. Lexa is on a full scholarship for rugby, so she has the extra cash to spend on a two bed room just outside the campus. She pulls herself up on her pull bar counting out loud, "fifteen, sixteen, seventeen…eighteen…nineteen…" Struggling to get her twenty in she lets out a yell, "TWENTY!" she falls to the ground landing on her feet and wipes her forehead with her sweatband wrapped around her arm. Her first day of school went rather well but she feels such angst inside her. She shuffles to her punching bag hanging there in front of her wall of mirrors. The room is large with only one window that is long that stretches along the top. As she begins to give her punching back a go, she hears her phone go off.

 _ **Ding…**_

She pauses and walks into the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the fridge. Lexa looks at the oven clock and realizes the time. She finds her phone and sees four messages. "Crap!"

 **10:05pm**

 _Clarke: Are you coming?_

 **10:20pm**

 _Octavia: When are you getting here bitch?_

 **10:30pm**

 _Clarke: I miss you._

 _Clarke: Let me know if you aren't coming, okay?_

Lexa contemplates on staying home for few seconds as she chugs the rest of the water.

"Fuck," she spouts before running to the shower to quickly get ready. Her shower was quick and she dives into her dryer to find her favorite black skinny jeans with a few slits near the knees. She grabs a white tank top and her small maroon members only jacket off her desk chair before flying out the door.

 **10:40pm**

The music is loud and mostly everyone has arrived. Lexa parks down the street in her Mini Cooper and starts walking. The street is already full of cars, making Lexa park a few blocks down. A six-pack of beers is in one hand as she balances her phone in her other trying to text Clarke that she is here. Before she could press send she hears a small voice greet her, " Hey! I know you…" Lexa looks up and finds a hazel-eyed blonde walking up next to her carrying a bottle of whiskey.

"Oh, hey. What are you doing here?"

"um, going to the party. Duh!"

" You're going to Octavia and Clarke's party? How do you know them?"

" I don't…" the girl looks down and recovers with, " But I heard about it and was hoping I would run into someone I did know."

Lexa nods and tugs on her jacket to straighten up.

"And look at that, here you are!"

The brunette smiles at the girl's enthusiasm, " Harper… right?"

"Yes! You remembered… how sweet. You are Lexa."

"mmhmm" Lexa replies quickening her pace. She doesn't want to seem like she arrived with this girl.

They approach the Houston Hut and Lexa sees an opportunity to duck out from the awkward situation of arriving with this blonde. "Hey… uhh I will see you in there," before the girl could reply Lexa made her way toward the backyard. She enters the yard and sees Monty and Jasper playing beer pong against Miller and Bryan. Anya is holding up a beer bong into Echo's throat as she stands on one of the couches. Lexa shakes her head and laughs. Anya spots Lexa walking up and she pushes Echo causing her to spit up beer and fall back into the couch.

"SIS! You made it!"

Lexa raises her arms in the air, " I made it!"

Clarke is inside doing shots of the Blake brew with Bellamy and Octavia. This would be her fifth shot of the concoction. The house is full of sweaty bodies already dancing and drinking up all the trashcan punch. Clarke has her own share in her red solo cup labeled princess, courteous of Bellamy. Raven is holds up a bottle of tequila already prompting body shots. Octavia is hyped about this and offers herself as tribute. Raven looks over at Clarke with a smile and she gives back a thumbs up. Octavia grabs the cut up limes from in the fridge. Raven hops up on the counter and lays down stretching her arm back to grab the salt on the oven. Octavia leans in toward Raven's face, obviously already tipsy. "Are you sure you won't get in trouble for being here?" she whispers.

"Mehh, we will be fine. As long as photographs aren't taken of me. You got my back, girl?

"Always mama"

Octavia lifts her head up and yells, "WOOO! Who wants to see some boddyyyy shottts!" Everyone screams and rushes toward the kitchen. Raven sits up and takes her shirt off, revealing a six-pack. Octavia's eyes widen for a second before leaning down and licking a small spot to sprinkle the salt on. Raven lifts both hands up to cover her eyes at the touch of her tongue.

 _Oh my fucking dios._ She crosses her legs, hoping no one notices her breath hitching. Octavia raises the tequila bottle up and hollers again. A chant emerges from the group around them creating a rhythm, " Doo it! Doo it! Doo it!"

She proceeds to put the lime in Raven's mouth and pours the tequila in her belly button. "I hope you cleaned this today after your class," she said softly smirking at Raven. "I wouldn't want to slip off." Raven tries not laugh as to spill the tequila now rolling down her sides.

Octavia bends down and licks up the trickles before coming up to the salt. She makes sure to get all of the salt by licking up and then down, before sucking up the pool of agave liquid in Raven's button. She scoots over Raven and grabbed the lime out of her mouth and raises her hand in triumph, "Yeahh! Who is next?!" Raven jumps down and grabs Octavia by the waist and lifts her up to the counter, " You are!" O giggles at the sudden man handling and she lies down in obedience. As Raven sets her up, Octavia notices someone pulling out a phone to take a photo. Before he could snap a shot Octavia pulls Raven's face into her own and kisses her to obscure her identity. Raven's heart drops as she gives in to her lips pressing over hers. Raven pulls slightly away to only adjust her lips to wrap around Octavia's lower lip. O accepts her adjustment and takes another kiss. Everyone is hollering and Raven pulls out and asks softly, "What was that for?" Her eyes are heavy, searching for an answer in the petite girl's face. "Someone was about to take your picture, so I did the best I could had hiding your face." Octavia bites her lip waiting for Raven's reaction.

"You can hide my face anytime babe." Raven grabs a lime wedge and puts it in her mouth. Body shots are always sexy and make a good excuse for anyone to put their crush in a desirable position. Clarke leaves the kitchen laughing at her two friends having a moment. She makes her way to the dance floor and starts bouncing to the music. She checks her phone, no new messages. Taking the rest of her trashcan punch in two big gulps, she gives in to the beat and jumps into the crowd. Bellamy notices Clarke dancing and he makes his way into the crowd after her. She barely noticed Bellamy had started dancing next to her because she was focused on the projections that were dancing on the walls. She had created a screen saver program with Monty that displayed neat moving lines and images from Clarke's portfolio. Admiring her work she realizes how drunk she is. Giving in to the music she really starts to swing her hips.

"Got room for one more princess?"

Clarke shrugs her shoulders, " I don't know Bell. You shoulders are pretty wide. Can you fit with all these youngins around? Haha" He inches closer as the song speeds up, taking her hand and spinning her around like a top. She laughs and starts to dance like a goofball, really trying to forget who isn't here.

Lexa is two beers in and sitting on the couches outside with Anya, Echo, and Miller. They are laughing while Bryan tries to light the wood in the fire pit.

"Come on Bryan, its getting chilly out here," Echo teases.

Lexa laughs and gets up to go look for Clarke.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Anya yells after her.

"To get some shots!"

"Woo!" they all shout in unison.

She passes by the beer pong tables and notices Jasper and Monty dominating the third table. Skimming toward the other tables she finds Harper standing on the sidelines rooting the all girl table on. Harper delivers her a smile. Lexa nods and makes her way in through the sliding glass door. As the hot air hit her face, she noticed how truly packed this party is. The backyard was sparse due to the chilling night. She was sure more people would make their way outside once the liquor warmed them up. She inched her way passed couples grinding, single girls jumping up and down, and a few guys showing girls how they twerk. Lexa laughs until she sees Clarke dancing with Bellamy. She loses her smile and her arms fall to her side.

 _The fuck…  
_ She thinks of what to do or say even.

She clenches her jaw as she freezes in place.

Bellamy has his hands on her hips as she jumps to the left as Bellamy jumps to the right. Clarke then jumps up in the air and spins around and starts doing the snorkel when she sees Lexa standing there.

 _The Black Keys- Girl is on My Mind_

"Lexa! You're here!" she jumps across the distance between them and gives Lexa a big hug. She feels the brunette stiffen at her grasp and she pulls her head back leaving her arms wrapped around her neck.

"What is the matter?"

Lexa's icy glare is stuck on Bellamy. He notices her looking at him and he gives her a small wave. This pisses Lexa off because he is mocking her now. He knows how she feels about Clarke; they talked about it during the summer when he asked Lexa for advice on how to get Clarke to date him. She made it too obvious she didn't want to help and he made the assessment that she liked Clarke as well. He laughed at her face then too, telling her that Clarke was not gay.

 _The nerve on that asshole,_ Lexa thinks to herself.

"Lexa!" Clarke interrupts her angry thoughts and shakes her. "Look at me…" the blonde begins to pout playfully. "Why are you being like this?" Clarke now has her hands crossed and her weight on one leg waiting for her response.

"Do you like him?" Lexa asks kicking her shoe at the floor.

"Who? Bellamy?!" Clarke looks back at Bellamy and he has already made his way back to Octavia and the group in the kitchen.

"Yes, HIM! He is like in love with you, you know that right?"

"What the hell Lexa. He is not." Clarke rubs her arm because she knows that he likes her. She just never thinks about him that way.

Lexa scoffs and chugs her beer and heads to the Igloo to fill her bottle up with something stronger. The blonde follows close behind her.

"Why are you being so cold? I didn't do anything wrong. You are the one who never replied to my messages!"

"Yes! I di…" Lexa remembers that she was in a hurry and was interrupted before she could send her reply. "I'm sorry, I lost track of time."

"Hey, I am just glad you're here." Clarke perks up and gets a great idea that will cheer her up. She grabs Lexa's hand and leads her to the kitchen.

"What are you doing Clarke?!"

"Shh, you will see!"

Everyone has slowed down in the kitchen and are all leaning back against the counters and walls talking. The body shot arena is open and Clarke pushes Lexa against the counter, " Get up there."

"What?! No frickin way, Clarke. I don't do body shots!" Clarke grumps up real fast and huffs out loud. This makes the brunette laugh a little. The blonde leans in putting her hands on each of Lexa's thighs. She spreads them apart just enough so she can lean one leg in and whisper in her ear, "please…Lexa…" making sure her lips graze against her ear.

Lexa bites her lip and looks around. "You play dirty...ugh Fine…"

Clarke jumps up and grabs the tequila bottle and yells, "BODDYYY SHOTTTTT!" Lexa groans as everyone responds with a "WOOOOOO!" Everyone gathers around as Clarke looks into her green eyes and scrunches her nose in delight. Taking her beer bottle off her hands, she grabs Lexa's waist to assist her in hopping onto the counter. She grabs her calves and helps turn her body so she can lie flat on her back. Lexa lifts up her tank top all the way up to her sports bra and requests" Don't spill it on my jacket."

Octavia scoffs out loud at the sight of Lexa's stomach, "What the fuck, does everyone have a six pack?!" Raven is still by her side and she says, " No, just the hot ones." And winks at the petite beauty. Octavia laughs and lifts her vest. " I don't have a six-pack, as she poked at her stomach." Raven smirks and shifts so she is kneeling in front of O. She has a great stomach, toned in all the right places. Not a single ounce of flab on it. Raven knows she has a bad ass body but wants to tease the girl anyway. "I can see a little pack peeking through all this." Raven then leans in and bites her stomach. "AHH, RAVEN!" Octavia giggles and slaps Raven's ass loudly. All the guys are watching in awe at the girl on girl activity in the kitchen. Lexa adjusts herself so that she is right under Clarke's mercy. Bellamy watches with a tight jaw backing up into the wall furthest from the event.

The brunette notices and lifts her arms and puts both hands behind her head, like she is relaxed and proud. Clarke bends down to dampen a path to where the salt would be. She makes sure to lick really slow and hard. Lexa's smirk is wiped off her face as she feels a tingle down her core. The blonde looks up after sprinkling salt on the trail she just made, finding Lexa's eyes are wide and bright. She proceeds with the college ritual and grabs a lime wedge from the bowl beside the tequila. She places the lime in her own mouth and leans down to place it in Lexa's. Clarke lingers over her mouth well after Lexa had grabbed the lime with her teeth. She lets her tongue sneak out and lick around the lime, skimming her lips. Lexa winces at the soft hotness of Clarke's tongue in her mouth and loses her breath because it is in front of a crowd. Lexa knows that Clarke is drunk by the boldness of her actions.

"OOOOLALAAAA!" Everyone yells as Clarke pulls away from the steamy encounter. She proceeds to pour the tequila in Lexa's navel, sloppily so she can quickly try to lick up all the splaying trails across her stomach.

 _MMmm… shit..._ Lexa tries not to squirm as Clarke's lips and tongue touches her stomach for the first time not even caring that tequila was getting all over her jacket.

 _Fucking hell!_ Lexa's mind is blowing up as she watches Clarke lick all over her stomach.

Clarke sucks on every stream flowing from her navel before diving in and sticking her tongue deep into the brunette's belly button. Swirling it around making sure she gets every last drop. Lexa's teeth begin to bite down on the lime, almost choking on the juices that were escaping from it. Clarke lifts up and dives onto her mouth squeezing the lime between her lips with out pulling it out of Lexa's mouth. She sucks at it until it shrinks and Lexa's lips are more prominent in her path. The brunette pulls the lime out from between their lip's with out pulling apart from the blonde. She puts her other hand on the back of Clarke's neck and pulls her into a deep kiss. Everyone starts to holler at the sight, "OHHHH SHIIIT, GETTT ITT!"

Bellamy pounds the wall and leaves the room.

Clarke lifts her head, staring at green eyes below her sunken eyelids.

"Woah…" she gasps.

"Tell me about it" Lexa smirks. She hops down the counter and pulls down her shirt.

"WOOOOO! WHO IS NEXT?!" the crowd cheers. Monty comes running in and offers himself. Clarke cheers and pulls a girl from the crowd to do the tequila shot. She had dirty blonde hair and Clarke thinks she would look cute with Monty. Trying to be match maker she winks at him. Monty grins a little and lays down on the counter.

As they all give Lexa high fives, Clarke sneaks away and heads toward the bathroom.

 _Oh my god, I really gotta pee!_ Clarke runs to her room and shuts the door. She hates going to the bathroom in front of people so she hopes she can hurry before getting back out there.

Lexa notices Clarke disappeared and turns to another blonde taking her place. Harper.

"Hello again" Harper says delightfully.

"You keep popping up, like a little weed" Lexa jokes and grabs her beer bottle to take a swig. Harper laughs with her and says, "I am a dandelion" Lexa laughs and nods as she chugs what is left in her bottle.

"I think Monty is ready for you!" pushing Harper toward the tequila. Harper grins and says, "I will do this only if I can do one off of you after" Lexa hesitates and smiles. Harper takes this as a yes and grabs the tequila bottle and yells, "WOO!" as everyone joins her. She pours a tiny amount in Monty's belly button and puts a lime in his mouth. Instead of putting the salt on him she dashes some on her own hand. She licks her hand and sucks the tequila out barely touching her lips to Monty's stomach. She bends to get the lime out of Monty's grasp and uses her teeth to gently grasp it out of his awaiting mouth. Lexa laughs at her awkwardness with Monty when all the sudden she was being pulled toward the counter, "okay, YOUR turn." Lexa pulls back and Harper tightens her grip. "WHO WANTS LEXA TO DO ANOTHER BODY SHOT!" she screams to the crowd. They all erupt with confirmation. Lexa stiffens up and looks around at everyone looking at her. Octavia and Raven are in the living room dancing and she doesn't know anyone in the kitchen. Harper looks at her and slumps, "Fine, I will get up there and you can do it off of me." Lexa doesn't like that idea either but its easier than the other way around. She doesn't like giving up control. Harper jumps up on the counter and lays down while lifting her shirt way further than it needs to be. Lexa look around again and grabs the tequila bottle. She starts to pour the tequila when Harper stops her, "What about the salt?" Lexa blinks and grabs the salt. Harper points to her stomach but Lexa squints her eyes and licks her hand instead and pours the salt on herself. She then puts a lime in Harper's mouth and pours the tequila in her belly button. Everyone is cheering her on so Lexa licks her hand and sucks at Harper's belly button. At this time Raven looks over and sees Lexa's lips on some girls stomach. She taps Octavia on the shoulder and Octavia turns to look at Raven staring in the kitchen. She turns and watches.

Lexa tries to use the least amount of her lips and moves to grab the lime from Harper's mouth. She hesitates before lowering her face to peck the lime out of Harper's mouth. Lexa feels a hand on the back of her neck. As soon as she almost has the lime between her teeth, Harper spits the lime out and leans up to kiss Lexa's lips. Lexa tries to pull away but Harper's hand is on her neck making it difficult.

Octavia's eyes dart around the room looking for Clarke but does not see her anywhere. She looks back at Raven, "What the hell.." Raven shrugs her shoulders, "It's a party O, I am sure its just for fun."

Octavia puts her hand on her hip, "You know how vulnerable Clarke is, if she sees any signs of possibility she might get hurt she freaks out." Raven nods her head and looks back at Lexa.

Lexa finally manages to pull away and wipe her lips, "What the fuck Harper.." Harper smiles eerily and laughs, "We are just having a little fun Lexa, relax.." She hops down off the counter and struts toward the backyard.

Octavia and Raven watch her sway her slutty little hips toward them. O leans back into Raven with narrowed eyebrows, "Hold my drink.." and Raven's eyes go wide. _OH shit, somethings about to go down._ "O let it go, that girl is stupid."

Octavia doesn't hear her and follows Harper outside with Raven right behind her excited to see a girl fight.

Clarke is in the bathroom and hears her door open and shut.

"Lexa?"

Clarke holds her pee, waiting for a response. Maybe she was just imagining it, so she lets herself go and sighs with relief. She flushes the toilet and washes her hands, humming to herself. She is pretty drunk at this point and is having a great time.

She walks out to find Bellamy sitting on her bed with his head down.

"Bellamy?" She can tell he was drunk by the way his eyes looked when he raised his head.

"Hey princess."

"What are you doing in here?" she looks over at the shut door.

" I wanted to talk to you about stuff."

"What stuff Bells?"

He pats the bed and bounces a little, urging her to sit next to him. She raises an eyebrow and stays where she is.

"I can't sit down, I need to stand. What is it you want to talk about?" If she wasn't going to sit down, then he was going to get up. He inched closer to her, making Clarke take one step back.

"What are you doing?" Clarke tenses up.

"Remember that trip we took to New Mexico?"

Clarke winces at the memory and knows exactly where this is headed. She needs to put a stop to this once and for all.

"Bellamy… that was a long time ago…" she steps another step backward but he keeps inching forward.

"I…I… know princess, I just want to make you happy and on that trip I felt you were happy with me."

Clarke sighs and puts her hand on his chest and pushes to make sure this distance is the closest he will get.

"You were there for me at one of my weakest moments Bell. I will never forget that but you are like a brother to me."

He lets out a whine and brings his hands to wrap around her waist.

"Don't say that until you have tried, Clarke!" She pushes against his chest alittle harder

"What do you like girls now or something?! I saw you kissing Lexa.. "

Clarke twitches at his tone.

" See, I knew you didn't. You are not gay Clarke. You just like to have fun. And so do I…" Bellamy's eyes get heavy and he shifts his weight forward some more.

Clarke squirms back a little, "Bellamy, You don't understand. We did try and I don't th…." Before she could finish he leans in and kisses her hard. She flinches and brings her other hand to push his shoulder back.

 **Knock Knock**

The doorknob turns and Lexa opens the door and steps not but a foot in the room before seeing Bellamy and Clarke's faces smashed together.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!" Lexa yells as her face turns bright red. Lexa slams the door so hard behind her a picture frame falls off the wall and breaks on the floor.

Clarke gathers all her strength and finally pushes Bellamy off of her and smacks his face hard.

"Bellamy! FUCK! I said I didn't think of you that way. I keep saying it over and over again! I am sorry but I wont think of you like that and I don't want you! OKAY?! When a girl tries to push you away, YOU FUCKING LET HER!" Tears find their way into Clarke's eyes because she has never had to yell at him like that before and the look on Lexa's face scared the shit out of her. She runs out of the room calling after the brunette, " LEXA!?"

"Lexa wait! Please!" her eyes darting through the party trying to find her.


	9. Chapter 9

**-Ch.9 Fifty Shades of Green**

 _Vanic X Zella Day- Hypnotic_

* * *

 _CAUTION- this chapter is highly emotional and contains explicit content_

* * *

Octavia is outside in front of the dirty blonde girl. "Who are YOU?" Octavia asks in the girls face. Harper's smile fades and she looks at Raven and then back down to the girl in her face. "I am Harper, Who are you?!"  
"I live here and didn't invite sluts to my party!" Octavia has Clarke's back on this one and isn't afraid to be a bitch. Harper squints her eyes and realizes if she doesn't leave she might get jumped by these two girls that were obviously in more shape than she was.  
"What is your beef? huh?!" Harper asks trying to step around Octavia but she won't let her pass. Octavia looks back at Raven and winks, making Raven laugh.

"You two are crazy! It is just a party, what the hell?!" Harper spouts. Octavia turns back to the girl switching to beast mode again. " Lexa is taken! okay slut, so you best step off before we MAKE you step off with a broken leg. You Hear?" Raven tries to keep her smile in, watching Octavia act all tough on this mousy girl.  
Harper shrinks up and says, "I didn't know she had a girlfriend! Sorry!"

"Well she does! SO get on outta HURRR!" Octavia steps to the side and raises her hands in the air shooing her with her fingers flapping from her palm to the door. Harper walks passed the beer pong tables and out the back gate with out looking back.

"WOO!" Anya yells from the couches, " You GET that ass!"  
Octavia bows and grabs her drink from Raven, "And that is HOW it is DONE ladies!"  
Raven shakes her head and bends down to grab Octavia's legs to throw her over her shoulder. Octavia screams with pleasure and smacks Raven's ass as she dangles behind her back. Raven carries her to the trampoline and throws her on it.  
Octavia is laughing hysterically, "LOOK Raven! I didn't spill a drop! HAHAHA" Raven starts jumping up and down around Octavia, "WE will see about that!" O tries to keep her drink from spilling as she starts to bounce up higher and higher as Raven jumps around her.

At this time Lexa finds her way outside and throws her beer bottle against the side of the house nearly hitting a group of people huddled beside it.  
"Woah! Watch it you crazy bitch!"  
She glares at the guy who said that and paces forward with red in her eyes ready to beat the shit out of anyone who gets in her way. He recoils back into his group.

"What the hell is her problem?" he whispers under his breath.

Anya pops up from the couches and runs over to her sister. Octavia and Raven both stop bouncing to watch.

"What's wrong Lex? Who do I need to beat up? Huh?! You tell me, I am ready to throw down!" Anya was always ready to fight. Especially when it was to defend her sister. She was always overly protective.

Lexa pushed her away and proceeded to stumble toward the fenced exit.

"Don't follow me Anya!"

Anya reaches out to grab Lexa's shoulder but Lexa quickly turns and raises a clenched fist in the air ready to lay a left cross if she didn't back off. Anya pushed her back, "FINE!" She hated being left out.

Lexa escaped out the gate just as soon as Clarke came running into the middle of the yard calling, "Lexa?!"

Anya immediately knew it was all her fault. Octavia turns to Raven, "You think Clarke saw what Lexa did and got pissed?" Raven shrugs her shoulders and looks back at the action.

"What the hell did you do this time blondie?!" Anya steps in her way, giving her sister enough time to get away.

"Anya, not now! Where is Lexa?!" Her eyes darting around the backyard.

" She doesn't want to see you, ya hear? If she did, she would be here." Clarke realized then she must have left.

Clarke was not about to let Lexa walk out of here thinking what she saw was what she wanted.

"Get out of my way ANYA!" she tries to walk passed her but Anya bows her chest and steps in her way. Octavia started to get off the trampoline to help Clarke but Raven held her back.

The blonde's face turns red and she lands a small punch to Anya's side. Clarke knew her weakest spot and she needed to get to Lexa as fast as she could. Anya collapses and grips her side looking up in betrayal, Clarke steps passed her. "I am sorry Anya, I need to get to Lexa!" She runs through the gate door and leaps out into the street. She could see a small figure fast walking down the long street toward a car.

 _The Faint- Glass Danse_

"No she fucking better NOT!" Clark runs as fast as she can toward the figure stumbling a bit before gaining traction. At this moment she is glad she wore her vans and loose jeans, this allows her to run as fast as she can. Lexa was fumbling with her car keys when Clarke slid to stand in between the door and Lexa.

"GET…OUT... OF… MY WAY!" Lexa had tears rolling down her cheeks and her eyes were blood shot. At each word she uttered, she tried shoving Clarke to the side. The green in her eyes had turned to complete grey. Clarke has never seen her eyes look this color. Clarke's heart breaks in knowing she caused this.

"GETTT!" Shoving Clarke's stubborn shoulder with no avail.

"Lexa please listen, he..he followed me in there!" tears now falling from her eyes.

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT CLARKE! You kiss me one minute and then HIM the next?!" She trailed off choking on the memory of their lips touching.

Clarke moaned at the image of what Lexa must have seen. At the worst possible moment Lexa had to walk in.

She stepped closer to the brunette grabbing her face in her hands. Lexa struggles to get away from the grip.

"Lexa…"

"LEXA… listen…I don't want him" She kisses Lexa's red cheeks "I. Want. You" kissing a new spot on her face after each word.

Lexa closes her eyes and growls in disbelief. "Well maybe I don't want you!" slapping Clarke's hands off her face and shoving her way. Lexa was hurt. She promised herself she wouldn't let this happen ever again.

Clarke backs off for a second as her blue eyes turn dark. Lexa's words ring through her ears. She grits her teeth and grows livid. She turns and shoves Lexa away from the door with full strength. But Lexa is stronger and pushes back.  
"You aren't driving Lexa! I know you are mad at me but I WILL NOT LET YOU DRIVE DRUNK! YOU CAN HATE ME ALL YOU WANT, JUST STOP!"

Lexa is pushing her away with her arms fully extended. Clarke is just as stubborn slapping Lexa's arms trying to grab the keys from her.

"GET OFF ME CLARKE!" she huffs with her grey eyes glaring at her dark blues.

She shoves Clarke back with decent force giving her enough time to put her keys in the door.

"NOOO!" Clarke screams, tears dampening her whole face falling in her mouth. Not getting anywhere by shoving, she slaps Lexa in the face.

Lexa jerks her head back in complete surprise.

Clarke has never been so angry in her life. Thinking back to Finn's death makes Clarke freak out. The thought of Lexa repeating his fate. Lexa tries to open the door and the blonde, in complete anger, lifts her hand again and slaps her face once more, this time not pausing to raise her other hand to slap again. Lexa turns and manages to grab one wrist and Clarke just breaks down slapping uncontrollably at Lexa. " I will NOT let you drive drunk and KILL YOURSELF LEXA! DON'T LEAVE ME…YOU WILL GET KILLED and it will be MY FAULT. It will be ALL MY fault... I can't!"  
Lexa frantically tries to grab her other wrist to stop her from flailing but Clarke is stronger than she looks and manages to break free of her grip. She lands a few more smacks on Lexa's face before she begins to tire and hyperventilate. She falls to her knees still swinging her arms weakly.  
"Okay! Okay.. Clarke? I'm not leaving. Calm down…breathe!" Lexa's anger is quickly fades as she sees the pain and horror on Clarke's face. Clarke is on all fours now trying to catch a breath but can't find one. She sobs into the concrete and digs her fingers into the hard surface obviously tortured by her past. Clarke stops breathing.  
Lexa kneels down and grabs Clarke's hands and pulls them to rest on top of her shoulders, " Clarke breathe! Keep your head down and take deep breaths! breathe with me" Lexa inhales slowly and exhales slowly, repeating this for Clarke.

Clark grips Lexa's shoulders, gathering her clothes into her fists making sure she cant leave.

"Shh…Shhh, I won't leave yet, Clarke. I promise… please just calm down. Relax…" her voice soft and light while rubbing the blonde's arms as her breathing begins to slow. Every other breath still hitching. Lexa falls back to lean against her car after Clarke's breathing returned to normal. She looks down toward the other side of the street dropping Clarke's arms from her shoulders.

Lexa is still angry and thinks back at Clarke's lips on Bellamy's. She begins to cry, still looking away from Clarke. She scoots her legs up so her knees are close to her chest. Her arms are resting on her knees causing them to stick straight out while she twists her keys in both hands.

Clarke looks up and notices her demeanor. She messed this whole night up and wishes Lexa hadn't showed up, only to avoid what just happened. She had hit Lexa.

 _Why can't this be easy? Why are we always crying..._ Clarke thinks long and hard before speaking.

"Lexa…"

She waits for green eyes. Moments pass and she still doesn't see them.

"Lexa, please look at me…I am sorry"

"Why? Every time I look at you, I see his face on yours." She retorts in disgust.

Clarke sighs a big sigh..

"Look, he came into the room while I was going to the bathroom. He wanted to talk about the past and I told him no. We had one moment years ago after…" Clarke stopped to swallow back tears.

"After Finn died… He was there for me and I needed to get away. He wanted to come with me on my trip. He kissed me one day in New Mexico when I was weak and sad. That was it." She looks for any reaction in Lexa but can only see her clenching her jaw. "He thought it meant more than it did and I haven't seen him in awhile. I think he is lonely, so he tried to make a move tonight. I am sorry…"

Lexa turns her head toward the blonde still leaning it back against the car.

Grey eyes meet her deep blues.

At this moment Clarke's face went pale. Lexa was bleeding from her cheek and it was all Clarke's fault. "Oh my god, Lexa… you are bleeding!" Clarke reaches out but Lexa flinches back. She lifts her hand up to her cheek and dabs at the cut. She looks at her fingers and it is just a little bit of blood.

"It's fine Clarke, It's just a scratch." Clarke slumps back and slams the back of her head into Lexa's car. "I fucking hate myself." She mutters as she repeatedly bangs her head back into the car door.

Lexa reaches over to stop her from hurting herself and says, "Its okay. I'm fine."

"No, Lexa. I hit you... I don't know what came over me. You wouldn't listen and I wasn't going to let you go. I wasn't going to let you drive and die…I would die if you.." Clarke starts to sob again putting her head into her knees.

Lexa sighs and scoots closer to Clarke.

"Hey… hey…Shh." Lexa pushes Clarke's knees down and lifts her head up with her hands on both sides of her face. As she looks from one eye to the next, Lexa softly states,"Look, I am sorry too. I was pushing you away and you had no other choice. I would have left drunk. I shouldn't be driving; you were right to fight me off… Okay?"

Clarke takes a few breaths and nods.

Lexa relaxes and shifts to lean her back to the car once more. She wipes her bloody cheek with the back of her hand, the small scratch starting to clot already. Only a small amount comes off on her hand. She lets out a sigh and turns her head toward the blonde who is looking at her through glossy eyes.

"Why didn't you stop him?"

"Who?" Clarke confused.

"Bellamy!"

"Oh.." Clarke remembers what had happened and takes a deep breath.

"I tried Lexa, I took steps back and then he took steps forward. I put my hand between us to let him know to not come further but he took me by surprise. I tried pushing him off but he is a strong guy."

Lexa feels her blood boil at the thought of what could or would have happened if she didn't walk in.

"What if I hadn't walked in Clarke?!"

"OH. Lexa, no…Bellamy would never. Octavia would murder him and I could have taken care of myself if I needed to."

Lexa bangs her head back against her car as she squeezes her eyes shut.

"If you can take care of yourself then why didn't you stop him before he kissed you? Would YOU have stopped if I hadn't walked in?"

Clarke thought back at that moment and was wondering if she let it happen.

 _Could I have stopped it? Why didn't I stop it?.. I thought I tried to.._ She was questioning herself now. Whether she allowed it to happen or if she would have let it continue if Lexa hadn't of walked in on them. She shook her head in disagreement.  
 _No. She hadn't wanted it._

"I am sorry you had to see that. I slapped him as soon as I was able to pull away."

This got Lexa's attention, "you slapped him?!"

Clarke let out a smirk," huh..yeah…" Realizing Lexa was still tense and upset she continues," I don't want him Lexa…"

Clarke knew Lexa was probably putting up all her walls to shut her out. But if Clarke could tear as much as she could down tonight she could find her way back in eventually.

Lexa lowered her head and let out a deep breath.

" I was at the party for an hour and you never looked for me. I saw you with him on the dance floor and then in your bedroom. How can I not think there is something going on there?"

Clarke was growing tired of talking about Bellamy.

 _Why would it matter anyway? Its not like we are together._ Clarke wanted to say so many things but then she remembered the walls Lexa had begun to build and didn't want to add to them.

" I know how it must have looked Lexa. But you hadn't replied to any of my messages and you were over an hour late. I thought you stood me up, so I decided to enjoy the party. Bellamy just so happened to be there too."  
"Lexa, I want us to go back to how we were." The brunette shifts her body to face the blonde now.

"The way we were when? This morning?"

Clarke shifts toward Lexa and puts her hands on her arms that are resting on her legs now Indian style. "Yeah, kind of like this morning. I want to be close to you. With out predisposition or pressure."

Clarke pauses before she speaks again, " I like you Lexa…"

The blonde looks into Lexa's eyes to let her know the brevity of what she is saying. Lexa hears these words and it makes her heart flutter. "I like you too Clarke," looking back into her blue eyes.

The blonde gets up on her knees and entangles her hands into the brunette's. She guides her arms out from her lap in order to make room for her to scoot over Lexa's legs and straddles her sitting her ass in the middle of the brunette's crisscrossed legs. Clarke wraps her legs around Lexa and hugs her with everything she had to offer.

They fit together like a puzzle piece.

Lexa is surprised at the feeling of Clarke's legs wrapped around her waste; her ass fits so perfectly in her lap. She embraces the hug and squeezes really hard. Clarke rests her head on Lexa's shoulder with her lips facing inward. She kisses her tan neck slowly and sensually. She leans back to look into those eyes she needs to see turn back to green. Clarke finds Lexa's eyes closed shut with tears streaming down her face.

"Oh Lexa..." She begins to wipe her tears away with her hands and then uses her lips to kiss them away.

 _This girl is driving me crazy. I can't even function._ Lexa hums to the feeling of Clarke's lips all over her face.

Clarke notices her sound and the corners of Lexa's mouth tuck upward a tad bit. She kisses each corner of her mouth, rewarding their new direction.

The brunette stretches her legs out and shifts so she is now leaning against the car with her legs sticking straight out holding the girl on top to stay there. Clarke is still straddling her lap with her knees now fitting under the car perfectly behind her. Lexa glides her hands down to Clarke's waist and pulls her in with angst and kisses Clarke's neck with open lips. Little by little she sucks harder with each kiss. Clarke starts to rock back and forth on her lap and this makes Lexa's lips part and her eyes widen.

"What are you doing?" Lexa whispers in the girl's ear.

"mmm.. I don't know Lexa… what am I doing?" Clarke bites her lip, as she begins to rock in and out a little more fluidly, grinding her pelvis into Lexa. She starts to breathe deeply into the brunette's ear. This sends chills down Lexa's spine all the way to her core.

Clarke grips around her neck just below her brown ponytail for leverage.

"Lexa.." she whispers, pleading for her forgiveness. "I'm sorry..."

Lexa digs her fingers into the blonde's hips pulling her down timing it to coincide with her thrusts. She leans her head back to look at those blue's she loved. Clarke opens her eyes to meet the green.  
Clarke smiles at the return of the color. Lexa brings one hand up into the blonde's hair now half loose from the tussle. Pulling her face in slowly, Lexa tilts her head to hover her lips over Clarke's. Guiding them open with her lips, she slips her tongue along the inside of the bottom lip and her gums. As soon as Clarke parts her lips for more, Lexa tightens her grip on the blonde hair and yanks her in, crashing her tongue into her mouth with total disregard of composure.

"mmmm," the blonde lets out an audible moan into the rough kiss. Clarke slows her thrusts to match their tongues now dancing over each other. They take turns on dominating the kiss, giving and taking.

" Do you have your keys?" Breathing heavy between each word.

"uhhyeah, right here." Lexa reaches down to grab the keys off the cement and hands them to Clarke. She grabs Lexa's hand before taking the keys. Putting the keys in her pocket, she pulls Lexa's hand up to her mouth. She kisses her palm, biting and licking. She kisses all the tiny scars that you can only see if you knew they were there. As she turns her attention to Lexa's fingers, Clarke hesitates and opens her eyes to find darkening green eyes staring at her lips. Her blue eyes search for permission to move forward. Lexa nods and Clarke keeps eye contact as she slides one of her fingers inside her mouth. Wrapping her tongue around it and sucking it as she continues to grind.

"Fuuuckkk mee oh my guhh... " Lexa can't sit still and if she wasn't wet before she felt herself flood now. Clarke is enjoying this game and moves on to the next finger.

"Umm,…why did you.. umm.. want my….ohh god." Clarke now has two fingers in her mouth sliding them deep over her tongue, sliding them over and under. She notices Lexa has stopped breathing and is enjoying this way too much. So she pulls them out just enough to bite the tips and then slides them back in sucking hard around them; in and out…in and out. She syncs her hips with Lexa's fingers. The brunette is panting now, imagining those fingers inside of the blonde.

 _I want to fuck you until you scream my name. FUCK._ Lexa's thoughts go wild as she starts to move her own fingers around in Clarke's mouth.

Clarke doesn't know what has come over her but she is just doing what she feels and seeing how Lexa reacts makes her feel something she has never felt before. She wants this. She wants Lexa more than she has ever wanted anyone.

"CARKEYS!" Lexa gasps loudly. The sudden sound surprised them both and Clarke stops grinding with Lexa's fingers still in her mouth.

"um.. what did you want with the car keys?" Clarke smiles with Lexa's fingers between her teeth and pulls them out. "What do you think?"

"Then do it." Lexa says sternly, barely catching her breath.

Clarke reaches up to put the keys into the door of the backseat. She slowly gets up off of Lexa and extends her hand out.

"Hold on, let me sit here for just a second." Lexa closes her eyes and licks her lips. Clarke smiles and watches with pure contentment.

 _What is this girl doing to me?_ Lexa's heart beats erratically. She knows her underwear is soaked and her legs are numb. Numb from all the tingles and the numerous near orgasms. Clarke's weight was nothing on top of her; she could handle her grinding just fine.

The brunette sits there trying to calm her sensitivity radiating from her core.

Lexa finally gathers herself and takes her hand. She gets up slowly, making sure she rubs the front of the blonde's body all the way up. Never taking her eyes off her, Clarke smiles so big her teeth show.

"What time is it?" Lexa asks, turning her head to look at the uneven back seat of her car. "uhh, its.. woah really? Its 3:36am! I can't believe its that late." Time is always a fickle thing when they are together. Like the rate of their hearts dictate time itself.

" I have a better idea…" Lexa shuts the car door and grabs Clarke's hand. She leads them back toward the house. Most of the cars on the street were gone and the girls are surprised they hadn't noticed cars driving away around them. The street was pretty wide so they probably just didn't notice.

"I hope most of your guests are gone." Lexa says, leading the way.

"They should be, we all still have class tomorrow!"

Lexa groans at the reminder.

As they approach Clarke's house, they notice a few people leaving from the front door. Lexa grabs Clarke's hand and yanks her to the side of the house, shoving her against the wall with her hand over her mouth.

"whhmm arrr yehhdomm?"

"Anya, miller, and Echo…" Lexa whispers.

Clarke nods in understanding and sticks her tongue out to lick the hand that is pushing her into madness. She giggles as Lexa's cheeks turn red and her eyes stare at Clarke in betrayal.

"Shhh… if Anya sees us…" at this moment Clarke pulls her hand off her face and slams her mouth over Lexa's.

The brunette protests for a split second before giving in, grabbing her challenger's hands and raising them above her head against the brick wall.

"You… are… going to regret that…" she whispers at her ear through blonde hair now almost completely fallen out of her clip. Clarke bucks and smiles with pure mischief on her mind. She is ready for this. She wants this..

"She is fine Anya, Lexa always is…" Miller assures.

"Caahhchowww get a room you cocks! Hahahha" Echo blurts out as the trio stumbles their way toward the end of the street.

Her green eye's widen and look directly into Clarke's glistening blue eyes that are deep and smoldering. The laughter begins to fade out…

Clarke loosens from the grip Lexa has her hands in and reaches to tuck Lexa's hair behind her cute ears. Lexa starts replaying the whole night in her head and she closes her eyes and shuts down.

"Mm…maybe I'll just head out too…" letting out a big sigh.

The blonde stiffens against her and puts her hands on Lexa's shoulders pushing for slight distance between them...

 _Are you kidding me?_ Clarke thinks of what to say as her anger jumbles up in her throat. Lexa puts both hands on the blonde's face, "I don't want to do anything before we talk about what this is exactly. You told me you weren't ready to be with anyone. And maybe I am not either…" She finds Clarke's eyes turning a different shade of blue. Lexa winces at the new turn this was taking. "I just don't want either of us to do something we regret." Lexa swallows, half regretting what she had just said already.

Clarke scoffs and steps back into the wall.

She looks up toward the sky and takes a deep breath. She wanted this. She thought she made it clear with her actions. Words never were her strong suit. Clarke preferred to speak with her actions instead of words. Words were so limited and restrictive.  
Lexa waits for the blonde to say something.

Clarke thinks to herself. _I am a fool. Running after her like that, maybe she doesn't want me anymore. She said she didn't want me. I wouldn't want me.._

Clarke doesn't say a word and she pushes Lexa as hard as she could, sending the brunette to the ground.  
Lexa's ass is flat on grass as she looks up with bewilderment. Her mouth lay open as she watches the blonde start to cry out, "Fine, LEAVE!"

Lexa blinks and can't muster up anything to say.

Clarke shakes her head and pinches her eyes closed as she storms around to the front door.

 **SLAM** , **click**

As soon as Clarke slams the door and locks it behind her, she slides down with her back flush against it. She put herself out there, way out there..

Octavia hears the noise and comes running out of the hallway with her baseball bat in hand.

"Who THE…" she sees Clarke sitting there, hair all a mess with her clip still hanging on for dear life. Octavia looks around and no one else is with her.

"Clarke?! Are you okay? Where have you been?" She falls to her knees, dropping the bat at her side. Blonde hair is covering her whole slumped face, so O tries to delicately pull her hair back out of her face and removes the clip.

"DID SOMEONE HURT YOU?" Octavia asks about to freak out. "Someone touch you Clarke...?" Knowing what Octavia was asking, Clarke shook her head.

"Okay… okay…I am here Clarke" Octavia sighs in half relief because she obviously sees Clarke is suffering from something.

"I'm here…"

As soon as Clarke hears those words, she completely collapses into her best friend weeping.

"Hey… It's okay…shhh" She wraps her arms around the broken girl and they sit together like this for a while.

* * *

Lexa falls back off her elbows and stares at the night sky as her eyes return to grey.

"Fuck." She mutters as she lifts her hands to her eyes to apply pressure as an attempt to stop herself from crying. Many minutes go by and she drops her arms slamming her hands to the ground.

"What the hell am I doing?" Lexa says to herself and gets up as fast as she can and makes her way to the back gate. She opens it up and sees a few people passed out on the couches and trampoline. She makes her way to the sliding glass door, stepping over crushed solo cups and broken glass. She winces at the memory of her throwing her bottle against the house.

She looks through the glass door before opening it and freezes in place.

Her grey eyes go wide at the sight of Clarke collapsed on the ground with Octavia trying to console her. Lexa's heart shatters at the sight.  
 _I did it again… In trying to protect myself, I ended up hurting her again.._

She puts her hand up to the glass in complete remorse, her breath fogging a spot in front of her mouth. She grabs the handle and slides the door open as softly as she can.

Octavia looks up at the sound and sees Lexa standing there. Her eyes burrow below her downward brow and she mouths, _WHAT DID YOU DO?_

Before Lexa could reply Octavia lifts her arm up in the air and holds her hand up asking for silence.

Clarke feels the absence of Octavia's arm and she pulls at her to hold her again. Her head still burrowed in O's chest sobbing uncontrollably.  
Lexa's tears are now free falling on to the carpet as she stands there watching. Octavia looks up again toward Lexa and waves her to leave.

Lexa's dastardly eyes lay stuck on the blonde sobbing on the floor, her legs not moving from the doorway.

Octavia whispers into Clarke's head as she kisses it, "I am going to lock the doors, stay right here okay? I will be right back" She shifts herself from around the blonde and lays her head lightly on the tile. Clarke is sprawled out on half of the living room carpet and half on the kitchen tile. Her eyes so swollen she can't even open them, even if she wanted to.

Octavia makes her way over to Lexa with eyes on fire. Lexa shifts her weight to peer around the approaching girl to keep her eyes on the blonde. O steps in the way of her vision and sternly hisses, "What the fuck happened?" When Lexa doesn't answer she gives a hard shove to Lexa's shoulder, " Did Clarke see you KISS that girl in the kitchen?"

Clarke hears Octavia speaking and turns her head to see a blur near the back door. _Lexa?_

Lexa looks at Octavia with wide eyes, "What?"

"YEAH, I fucking saw you with Harper in the kitchen!"

"I didn't...She grabbed me! Just.. Let me talk to her," Lexa chokes out. Octavia looks back at Clarke and shakes her head.

"She is in no state to speak to ANYONE Lexa. LOOK at her"

Lexa WAS looking at her.. she hadn't taken her eyes off of her. She starts to step around as to make her way toward Clarke. Octavia quickly pushes against Lexa with her thigh blocking her forward move and shoves her against the edge of the open door way with her hands gripping her Members Only jacket at her shoulders. The edge of the entrance digs its way into Lexa's spine, causing her to whimper. She accepts it and swallows the pain. She deserves it.

"You have hurt her too many times Lexa. I don't know what happened but she barely got over the last time. AND NOW..." Octavia caught herself before she started to yell.

"…Now look at her Lexa? I haven't seen her like this since her Dad died. She wasn't this broken even when Finn passed. She was at least able to function. But THIS? I dont know what the fuck THIS is..." Octavia chokes and looks back at Clarke still holding Lexa firm against the opening.

"For some reason she feels things so much MORE with you. and YOU can't GIVE her what she NEEDS. I had your back and told HER to open herself up to YOU!" Every time she says those trigger words she shoves Lexa a bit harder into the edge of the wall. "Maybe I made a mistake by saying that."

The pain in Lexa's back is starting to really hurt but Lexa doesn't move nor does she take her eyes off the blonde. She made a mistake. She was just insecure. She tries to speak but she can't. _Maybe O is right._

"Hey..." Octavia notices the pain and complete sadness in Lexa's eyes and releases her.

"Just give her some time now okay? I know you love her. Just…" Octavia rubs the side of her neck. "Just trust her to love you back. You have both been through a lot and I think you both let the past come between your future."

Lexa takes a step backwards that places her outside of the house. Her gaze flickers from Clarke to meet Octavia's eyes that look less angry. She can't speak, her throat feels closed and she wouldn't know what to say even if she could.

Octavia continues, "Give her some space for now and think about what you want Lexa. Come get her when you figure that out." She slides the door shut and locks it.

Lexa nods and steps backwards slowly. Taking one last look at Clarke on the floor, she turns and runs toward the gate. As soon as she is out of the backyard, she runs down the street. She runs passed her car. She runs passed the streetlight. She continues to run, picking up speed. She ignores the pain in her back, she ignores the pain in her feet, and she ignores the pain in her heart urging her to go back and sweep Clarke off that floor.

* * *

 ** _Authors Note_**

 _Sorry it seems it is difficult for Lexa and Clarke. Love is complicated and when you love someone with every part of your body, you open up completely. When you are completely open, you allow so much in and so much out... even the ugly. It is a real and visceral part of life. I have experienced it myself. I promise you once they get together, it will be magic._

 _Let me know of what you think and your suggestions. I have updated a few chapters, adding more details and fixing errors. Go back and read for more. Next Chapter coming soon!_


	10. Chapter 10

**-CH.10 I don't belong here**

 _Blackmill-Friend_

* * *

Her feet kick at the ground with such veracity that her tears are flying off the sides of her face with out touching her cheeks. Her legs are burning but she keeps pumping her arms. She picks up speed every time she feels like stopping.

When she can't feel her legs and when her breath can't catch up to her fervor she collapses. Green grass fills her hands as she tugs at the ground. She lets out a huge scream and rips the earth from its home. On her knees she falls forward hitting her forehead to the ground. She pounds her hands into the grass.

 **Bam**

 **Bam**

She releases all her anger and sadness that has been building up for a long time. Since Costia, Lexa always held her composure and would barely let anything bother her… until today. Clarke was able to take down those barriers just by one look. She made Lexa feel everything all at once. Everything was so intense with Clarke, to where she didn't know what to do with her feelings half the time, which ones to keep in and which ones to let out.

Lexa falls back, sitting on her heels. She looks up toward the sky and catches her breath. The sky always calmed Lexa. Ever since she was a kid, she would climb the tallest building she could find. She would lie there on the roof, watching the stars and the satellites make their way across the night.

Not knowing where she is now, she looks around. She had run to North-Den U in the middle of the rugby pitch. She lifts one leg up and then the other and makes her way to a familiar place. Her hands grip at a ladder, drawing her knuckles to white as she steps up each step. She climbs the scaffolding of the scoreboard until reaching the level where she can inch underneath the board. She falls on her stomach gasping for air. She flashes back to the day before Playoffs.

* * *

 _January 2, 2013 (about 3 years ago)_

-Laughter is the prominent sound emerging from Lexa's apartment. It was early in the morning as Lexa turns over and grabs her phone off the nightstand.

"Ugh, I have practice in a few hours." A hand extends along her arm from under the sheets and grabs Lexa's hand to bring her back under.

"Did you say a few more hours? That is plenty of time," Costia whispers into the brunette's ear. Lexa rolls her eyes with a smile.

"Don't you have practice too? We ARE rivals you know. Playoffs are tomorrow!"

The other girl laughs as she moves to place her legs on both sides of Lexa's waist. Straddling her as she leans in and kisses her passionately.

"I love you Woodsy. Whatever happens, know that...I do" Her voice is a little shaky as she utters the last part.

Lexa smiles and puts her hands on Costia's hips. " I can't imagine being without you"

Costia smiles wildly. She hears a phone beep in her pants on the floor and her mood shifts. Lexa holds her from getting off and says, "No… don't answer it this time."

Costia turns and looks twisted. " I have to…"

Lexa knew she had secrets and she was used to her texting at awkward moments. Costia had told her it was her sponsor. If she didn't respond then she would come looking for her. Costia had a dark past and alcohol was the only thing that helped her through it for a long while. She has been sober for a year. Lexa didn't know her then but she always asked Costia to tell her everything. She never gave in but Lexa didn't mind. Costia was her first real girlfriend and she wanted anything she was willing to give her. Lexa never had trouble finding dates and would most often have to say no to most of them, especially to the men that would obsess over her. She would rarely find solace in the dates she would bring home, however far and few between they were.

 **6:49am**

 _Nia: Do it._

Costia threw her phone down on the ground and fell back onto the bed. She looks up toward the ceiling and inhales deeply. Lexa notices the mood change and she sits up on one arm, the sheets wrapped around her chest.

"What's wrong?" She searches Costia's face for any inkling as to what just happened.

"We have been going steady for almost a year Costia, talk to me…"

Costia closes her eyes and tears begin to emerge from the corners.

Lexa notices and scoots close so her body is pressed up against the side of hers.

Costia shakes her head as she cries silently.

"Please…" Costia had told her she was bi-polar and Lexa understood the disorder. She never pried too hard when Costia would switch moods on a dime. She was patient and kind, usually.

Costia turns to face Lexa and she stares into her green eyes. Like she was savoring the moment. After a few minutes of gazing into each other's eyes, Costia suddenly gets up and starts to get dressed.

"Wait, Where are you going?" Lexa swallows and proceeds to dress as well.

" I have to go, something has come up." Costia slips on her bra and she begins searching for her shirt. Lexa sees her shirt, picks it up and walks over to her.

Costia looks at Lexa's worried face and curtly says, "thank you" while grabbing the shirt from Lexa's hand.

Lexa sighs and slips on some shorts and walks into the kitchen with her sports bra as a top. She has to eat something before practice because she hasn't eaten anything since yesterday. Costia has kept her very distracted. She was very good at taking her away from her responsibilities. As she was making avocado toast, Costia's hands come up from behind and wrap themselves around Lexa's waist.

"I'm sorry," she whispers as she sways Lexa side to side. Lexa is tired of Costia always running off and being shady about where she goes.

"Sorry for what Costia?" Lexa spits trenchantly, still making her toast. Costia releases her grip and steps to the side so she can look at her face.

"Woah… Hey…"

Lexa puts down her knife and discernably turns her head to look at Costia.

"Why are you always running off huh? Where do you go? I never ask and I don't question you. But something doesn't feel right. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of being the one that bends to your every move when I am left suffering for it"

Costia's eyes fall to stare down at the counter as Lexa expresses her discontent.

"I wait in the background for you and when you return you are like a different person. I have to warm you up and it gets exhausting Costia. You won't meet my friends and I have to defend you all the time to them. You keep me here in a neat space only to let me out when you return."

When Lexa feels she isn't paying attention she steps passed her with her toast in hand and sits down at the table.

"Fine, LEAVE!" Lexa yells.

Costia sighs and turns to walk toward the door.

"I'll call you later…" she says as she twists the knob. She hesitates waiting for Lexa to reply. When she doesn't, Costia slams the door behind her.

Lexa shoves the plate of food away from her, no longer carrying an appetite. She puts her head into her hands in anger. Her eyes are dry as she tries to cry. Tears don't come. Frustrated she heads back to the bedroom and flops on the bed. After moments of thought Lexa hears a faint ding. She goes to her nightstand and looks at her phone.

No messages.

She shrugs and sits back down on the bed. A moment later she hears another ding. Confused she starts pulling her sheets off the bed, kicking clothes around, and then a phone skids across her wood floor.

 _ **Ding**_

It is Costia's phone. She bends down and picks up the phone. Lexa sits back down on the bed and stares at it before pressing the home button.

New Message- Nia (3)

Nia is the captain of the South-Den U rugby team so it is not too strange that she would be texting Costia. But something in Lexa's gut tells her to look further into it. Lexa swipes to unlock the phone but it prompted her for a passcode. Lexa hesitates and thinks about what she is doing. She remembers Costia unlocking her phone one morning while lying on Lexa's chest, she wanted to look up the weather for that day. With out realizing it, Lexa had watched her press the numbers. Since then she had always knew her passcode but never felt the need to snoop, until now.

Lexa enters in the numbers to unlock the phone. To her surprise it clicked open to the conversation she wanted to see.

 **6:49am**

 _Nia: Do it._

 **7:01am**

 _Nia: Costia? You know what has to be done._

 **7:10am**

 _Nia: STOP IGNORING ME! I will come over there and do it for you!_

 _Nia: She is part of the plan Costia. You are mine and you remember that!_

Lexa's heart stops beating.

"What the fuck?" She says out loud. She quickly gives her attention back to the phone perplexed.

She scrolls up in the conversation to read more.

 **December 28** **th** **, 2013**

She tries to scroll further back but there is nothing there. Costia obviously deletes the conversation frequently.

 **12/28/2013**

 **2:13pm**

 _Nia: What are you doing?_

 _Costia: I am out getting lunch._

 _Nia: With her?_

 _Costia: For her, she is out with Anya getting new gear. We are meeting back at her place afterwards._

 _Nia: I miss you._

 _Costia: I know babe. I miss you too._

 _Nia: I wish you were here. Christmas was not the same with out you. I love you._

 **2:25pm**

 _Nia: Costia…_

 _Nia: Do you still love me?_

 **2:36pm**

 _Costia: Of course Nia… you are my queen._

 _Nia: I can't stand being away from you. Come over tonight?_

 _Costia: I am not sure I can._

 _Nia: Why not? I never get to see you anymore._

 _Costia: You see me everyday at practice Nia…_

 _Nia: That doesn't count. I have to be a leader there, not your girlfriend! Ever since you have quit drinking to be with her, you have become a different person. I will tell her everything and then I bet you will come over._

* * *

 _Yuna-Lullabies  
_  
Lexa looks up from reading and finds her fists clenching the sheets. She doesn't know what to do. Her breathing grows heavy as she stands up. Confusion floods her mind.

"What the fuck, What the fuck?!"Are the only words she can muster.

She remembers that day _; Costia was out getting lunch while Anya was treating Lexa to new gear for the Playoffs coming up. Lexa and Costia had just spent Christmas together in Texas. During winter break for school, they went on a road tip. They visited rivers, caverns, and lakes. It was when Costia told Lexa she loved her and Lexa didn't respond, leading them into a fight. Lexa got home at 2:30 and Costia had showed up shortly after. She remembers Costia acting weird when she arrived with lunch. She was texting in the kitchen while Lexa was in the living room setting up their lunches in front of the T.V._

" _Come sit down and eat! It is going to get cold Cos," Lexa says as she stares toward the kitchen. "Yeah, Coming..." Costia says over her should, opening the fridge to grab two bottles of water._

* * *

She read on with anger in her heart.

 **2:37pm**

 _Costia: Stop, I will do it! I will try okay?_

 _Nia: Try hard. Remember why you are there and who you are Costia._

 _Costia: Okay._

 _Nia: I love you more than anything. I know what this is doing to you and I will make it up to you I promise._

 _Lexa remembers at this time Costia walks into the living room and sets the two bottles of water on the table._

" _Sorry about that babe, my sponsor needed some advice."_

" _Its fine, I just don't get why you have to be so secretive all the time." Lexa says while grabbing the remote, trying to find a show to watch. She lands on the Walking Dead and hits play. She looks over to Costia and she is sitting there staring at the floor._

" _What are you thinking about?"_

 _Costia jolts out of her daze and forces a smile on her face._

" _What? Nothing, I just love being with you. I don't want to lose you." Costia sits back on the couch and sighs. Lexa smiles and grabs Costia's legs to pull them over her lap. "Then be with me." Lexa leans in and kisses Costia on the lips. It was a soft and quick kiss. "Now, can we please eat? I am starving!"_

 _Costia giggles and says, "Go ahead, I am not that hungry." Lexa frowns but leans over and grabs her noodles and dives in._

 _ **Ding**_

 _Lexa remembers hearing her phone go off again and Costia opening it up nervously looking up at her and then back down at her phone._

 **2:48pm**

 _Nia: Costia?_

 **2:49pm**

 _Costia: I love you too Nia. Please, stop texting me. She is getting suspicious._

 _Nia: You are mine, not hers. Just hold on for a few more days._

* * *

Lexa can't stand to read anymore and runs to the bathroom feeling sick to her stomach. She drops Costia's phone as she grabs the toilet rim and throws up.

She feels her body trying to purge the last year out of her system.

As she lifts herself up to the counter, she hears a knock at the door.

Her heart begins to race and she doesn't know what to do. That must be Costia coming back for her phone.

 _Do I pretend I hadn't read those messages or do I confront her and admit she looked through her phone?_

"Fuck this…" Lexa storms out of the bathroom grabbing the cell phone off the floor. Before she could open the door Costia was walking in, "Hey, I forgot my phone." Costia walks by Lexa barely glancing at her as she heads to the bedroom.

Lexa stands still trying to breath steady. Costia is looking for her cellphone and yells out," Have you seen it babe?"  
Lexa winces and wonders how she could call her babe.  
 _How could she be this cavalier?_ They had built a life together. _Who can be this cruel?_ _What is this plan her and Nia had?_ Lexa had all these questions swarming through her head to choose from. She didn't know where to begin.

Costia gives up in the bedroom and comes out into the living room, "Lexa?" Lexa lifts her hand up and shows Costia she had her phone. Costia takes a small step backward and took a deep breath, looking at the phone and then to Lexa's face.  
"What's wrong Lex?" She says with worried eyes staying in the hallway.  
Lexa's stares at her in disbelief and murmurs, "Who ARE you?!"  
Costia realizes that she must have looked in her phone but tries to play it off.

"What? Lexa, I don't understand." Walking up to grey eyes with her shoulders lifted trying to play innocent. "Why are you acting like this?"  
Lexa steps away from her and puts a hand straight up as to request silence. She grits her jaw and clenches the phone tight.

"Lexa?! What is the matter!?" Costia's voice is shaking. She tries to remember if she deleted her messages from Nia or not but soon gets the answer.

"I doubt you care Costia. Were you headed to your girlfriends house until you realized that you left your phone at mine?!" Lexa's voice was low but stable.  
Costia accepts that she can't play this off and walks into the living room to lean against the couch. "You went through my phone?!"  
"DOES THAT EVEN MATTER NOW?!"

Costia cowers at the sound of Lexa yelling. "What the hell is going on Costia?! EXPLAIN THIS!" Lexa opens up the texts and charges toward Costia to shove it in her face. Costia's eyes are watering now as she tries to grab the phone from her. But Lexa quickly pulls it away from her attempt and throws it as hard as she can against the wall behind her. "FUCK YOU!" she screams inches from Costia's face, as it shatters intopieces. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME…ALL THIS TIME…" Lexa's eyes are dry but furious. Her veins are popping out on the side of her temple.

Costia gasps at the sound of her phone against the wall and lifts her hands to defend herself. Cowering at Lexa, she closes her eyes and waits for impact.

"WHAT? YOU THINK IM GOING TO HIT YOU?" Lexa asks standing on her toes.  
Costia shrugs her shoulders and mutters, "I am used to being hit when I deserve it."  
"What the fuck Costia? I DON'T FUCKING HIT WOMEN!" Lexa says while turning away from her disgusted. She takes a deep breath. "Answer me Costia. What is the plan?!"

Costia sits down on the arm of the couch and begins to sob. "Lexa, I am so sorry. I don't deserve you. You are so wonderful and I am an awful person. I can't stand it sometimes. I am so sorry."  
Lexa turns to her and inquires, "Are you EVEN bi-polar, Are you EVEN in AA or did you just tell me that because you are living two lives and needed excuses to cover up your bullshit?"  
Costia shrugs and looks down in shame.

"Oh my god!" Lexa paces back and forth with her hands pulling at her own hair. "You are unbelievable. This whole year has been a lie!" Costia looks up and steps near the pacing girl and pleas. "No… Lexa. It wasn't ALL a lie. It started off as…" She trails off, trying to find the words to explain her horridness.

"It started off as what? A joke? A sick fucking plan that you and Nia had to ruin me before finals?" Lexa scoffs at the idea but realizes that is just like Nia, sick and twisted.  
"She sent her own girlfriend to seduce her enemy in order to sabotage a fucking game?!"

Costia's eyes are red and full of water, nodding.

"This is MY LIFE!" she cries. Lexa glares at Costia in utter abhorrence. "You are sick! This... I…" Lexa now has tears in her eyes and is shaking her head. She shifts her eyes at Costia and puts her knuckle in her mouth biting it and thinks.  
' _I let this girl in my bed!'  
_ Lexa starts putting all the pieces together, all the secrets, hiding, and texting at the worst moments. She feels like a complete fool.

Costia takes this pause to speak, "Lexa… I do love you. It started off that way but I have been thinking about breaking up with Nia. I couldn't go through with it but she kept threatening to tell you herself. That is why I left abruptly, to go talk to Nia" She puts her hand on Lexa's arm to reassure her.  
Lexa flinches her off and takes her hand away from her mouth to bark, "FUCK OFF COSTIA, are you crazy?!"  
Costia recoils and begins to sob. "GET OUT!" Lexa screams. Costia doesn't move and looks up at Lexa flaring in front of her.  
 _The Ting Tings- Shut up and Let me Go_

"no" Costia whimpers backing up to sit on the arm of the couch again.  
"NO?!" She stares at Costia not moving for a bit and then retreats into the bedroom. She returns with everything of Costia's in her arms. She drops it all on the floor: letters, clothes, and pictures in frames, CD's, jewelry, shoes, and even toiletries.  
"LOOK AT THIS... ALL…OF… THIS… LIES!" Lexa lifts each item as she utters these words. Tears now falling languidly. Costia just sits there on the edge of the couch.

Lexa opens the door and she picks up each item one by one and starts throwing it out the door. "GET…" She tosses a picture out the door. " THE…" She tosses a shoe."FUCK… OUT!" Every word she screamed, she threw a new item out of the door. Costia can hear frames shattering down the stairs, her shoes hitting cars parked below. When all the items had been thrown out the door, Costia still doesn't move. Lexa is bewildered. Lexa begins hitting everything except Costia. She punches the mirror on the wall near the table, she grabs the chairs and throws them across the room, she grabs a large vase that held dried sticks on the floor and throws it as hard as she could at the T.V. She does this while thinking of the first time they had sex, the time they skinny dipped in the lake at night, all the times she ditched her friends for her, and the time she almost said I love you. Lexa falls to the floor on her knees and hands, landing in glass from the broken mirror. She begs dejectedly, "Costia... Get out of my LIFE. Get out. Get OUT. GET OUT!" She doesn't notice blood coming out from her knees and palms. She just weeps. Costia had stood up at the sight of a flying vase sweeping past her. She stands there frozen, looking at the destroyed home and the destroyed girl. She built a life with Lexa and it all came crashing down in a matter of minutes.

 _This was the plan,_ she thought to herself trying to justify her actions. She knew this day was coming. But she had changed her mind; she didn't want to go through with it. She thought of telling her the truth but explaining to her how much she loved her. She imagined Lexa being mad but maybe after finals she could have made it up to her, broken up with Nia. Costia loved Nia but she was abusive and controlling. She manipulates people for fun. Lexa was the complete opposite and Costia grew to truly love that.

Costia knew Nia was twisted but loved her anyway. Nia had always been there, even at her worst. But Lexa… she was different, she was perfect.

Costia walks toward Lexa and bends down to put a hand on Lexa's back.

Lexa doesn't move but says three words, "I hate you."

Costia clenched her eyes shut and sighs. She pulls her hand from Lexa's back and gets up. She walks toward the open door and hesitates to look back at her. She whispers, "I'm sorry Lexa…" And walks out the door. She left the door open as she picked up her clothes from the stairs, making her way to the parking lot.

Lexa lay scrunched up on the glass, bleeding. She grips the ground, grabbing glass, and squeezes. She promises herself right then and there. "Never again will I let someone hurt me. NEVER." She vowed to herself to protect herself from everyone. She vowed to herself to trust no one except herself. She vowed that love is weakness and that she didn't need it.

* * *

 _Next day- January 3, 2013_

Lexa wakes up late, letting her alarm go off for over thirty minutes. It was the playoffs today. She didn't care. The events of yesterday echoed in her head. She replayed the day over and over again. She replayed the year over and over again. She gets ready apathetically. Her eyes were grey and she felt nothing. Exiting her room she walks over broken glass and leaves her apartment with out locking the door.

When she arrived at the pitch she saw South-Den already warming up. She runs over to where her team is just starting to do the same. As she jogs she notices a few of the South-Den players staring in her direction.  
Titus cuts her off before she reaches the North-Den team. "Captain, where have you been?!" he looks her up and down and notices cuts all over her hands and knees. "What the hell happened to you?!"

"I'm fine coach." Lexa says dryly.

Titus looks back at Indra and signals her to start the team's warm up.

"COACH! I need to warm up with the team." Looking at him with confusion.

"Come sit with me, your team can warm up with out you." He leads her to their bench and sits down.

"Now, Lexa…you look terrible. You are all cut up and you arrive late. This is not the example I need to have today. Your teammates are distracted at your tardiness and by the looks of it so are you. What happened?"

Lexa starts to tear up and she can't hold it in anymore.

"I..." she tried to talk but she chokes on her words and puts her face in her hands and cries. Her hands begin to sting from the salt in her tears.

Titus sighs and says softly, " Whatever it is we will fix it. But gather yourself for now, We need you to lead the team. You are the head of our body, Lexa. Go to the bathroom and wash up." He pats her leg and runs off to meet Indra in the middle of the pitch to get the girls on track with some drills. Lexa looks up and watches as her team works out with out her. She gets up off the bench and heads to the bathroom to wash her face.

She stares in the mirror above the sink with the water running on hot. The steam is rising and making the mirror fog up. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying all night. She lifts her hands to look at them. The cuts are small but deep. She clenches her fists as hard as she can, making blood trickle out from her grip. Her blood drips in the sink, turning the water a crimson shade as each drop falls in. She stares at the water as it circles the drain. Watching the red swirl around she loses herself.

The door opens and Lexa turns to find Costia standing there.

"Lexa… just listen okay?" Costia's hands are up in the air as to show she comes in peace. Lexa stands in silence.  
"I am so very sorry. I didn't want it this way. I want you to know that I fell in love with you at the lake. I was an alcoholic but I was sober the whole time we were together. That wasn't a lie. You made me a better person Lexa."

Lexa's eyebrows furrow but she stays silent. Her fists are clenching tighter now, resting by her side blood dangling from her knuckles.  
"I don't expect you to forgive me or want to have anything to do with me…" Costia scrunches her face not knowing how to express herself. "I guess I just wanted to see if you are okay and tell you I am truly sorry."

Lexa looks up with crazy in her eyes. All of the sudden the door flings open nearly hitting Costia in the back.

It's Nia.


	11. Chapter 11

**-CH. 11 The Wool and the Warrior **

_Trollphace- Make it Bounce_

* * *

Costia's stiffens up like a soldier and she quickly wipes her eyes. Lexa doesn't flinch, a mad grin pulling at her cheeks. Nia had noticed Costia run off the field after Lexa walked to the bathroom. She looks from Costia to Lexa with sternness. She notices Costia was crying and Lexa is bleeding.  
"Wow Costia, you are more ruthless than I thought." Nia laughs and puts her arm around Costia's shoulders and tilts her head to taunt Lexa. Costia can't stand Nia doing this so she turns and walks out of the bathroom expecting Nia to follow her. She doesn't.

It is now just Nia and Lexa.

Nia doesn't seem to care that Costia left and stares into Lexa's crazed face.  
"Good luck today Woodsy" Using the nickname Costia had given her. Nia smooches the air and grins, waiting for Lexa to react. They are standing just a yard apart, as if in a high noon duel. Lexa calmly walks up to Nia to stand inches away from her face. This surprises Nia but she stands her ground. Lexa releases her balled up fists and lifts her hands up to her own face. She smothers the blood all across her eyes and drags her fingers half way down her cheeks, leaving a red mask behind. She looks like a mad warrior ready for battle. Lexa's eyes are dead set on Nia's as she lifts her lips upward as to just show her teeth. Nia looks at her baffled and before she could say or do anything Lexa grabs her face and smashes her lips into hers, kissing her hard with her eyes wide open. Nia immediately lifts her hands and shoves Lexa as hard as she could. Lexa stumbles back, lifts her chin in the air, and gets into a low stance.  
"WHAT THE SHIT!" Nia frantically wipes her face from the blood that Lexa's hands left. "YOU ARE INSANE!"  
Lexa laughs hysterically and screams, "FUCK YES I AM!" charging towards her enemy. Nia backs up in horror and runs out of the bathroom. As soon as the door shuts behind her, Lexa falls to the floor on her knees. She winces at the pain her knees radiate and looks up toward the ceiling. She extends her arms outward like a crucifix and pauses to close her eyes. Seconds later she falls to the floor. Moments pass with Lexa on the ground until the door swings open. It's Anya.  
She had seen Lexa arrive at the pitch but she couldn't approach her because Titus had appointed her temporary captain in Lexa's absence. She had to lead the team in warm up but she felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, something was terribly wrong. As soon as warm up ended Anya went looking for Lexa.

"OH MY GOD, LEXA?!" Anya runs over to Lexa on the floor, looking at her bloody face and hands. "What happened? Did Nia hurt you?! That fucking bitch, I am going to murder her!" Lexa shook her head and could only let out one word, "Costia…" Anya sighs and struggles to lift Lexa to lean against the wall. The door starts to open but Anya kicks it closed, "OCCUPIED!" She jumps up, locks the door and returns to kneel in front of her sister. She looks into her eyes but can't find her. The blood doesn't faze her. She tries to lift Lexa up but she is limp. "LEXA, you have to get up!" she puts her hands underneath Lexa's arms and tries again. She sits back on her heels when her efforts are futile. She takes a quick breath and slaps Lexa across her cheek. Lexa blinks and begins to cry. "There you are Lex, Come on…" She grabs Lexa's arm and this time she is moving along with Anya's guidance. Anya drags her to the sink and sticks her face down near the water that is still running. It is hot so she turns on the cold and begins to splash water all over her face. She grabs a bunch of brown paper-towels from the dispenser and dabs Lexa's face gently. "It's going to be okay Lex. We have each other…always." Anya continues to splash water in her face until all the blood is gone. She then grabs Lexa's hands and sticks them under the water. Lexa hisses at the pain but lets the water cleanse them.  
"I think you should go home Lexa and wait for me there." Lexa lifts her head up and looks at her from the mirror, "No, I need to lead the team." Anya looks at her with weary eyes, "You have led the team Lexa, You have gotten us here." Lexa grabs the paper-towels from her and proceeds to wipe her own hands and face. "I am playing Anya."  
Anya nods and says, "then we better get out there. The game starts in 10 minutes."  
Lexa turns to Anya searching for a way to say thank you. Anya notices, grabs the brunette and holds her tight and whispers, "Stay strong. Your fight is not over."

 _Present Day_

Lexa hears her sister's words resonate in her head.  
 _Stay Strong. Your Fight is not over.  
_ So much of today echoed the past. Lexa was struggling with the promise she made to herself and the lure that radiates from within her for Clarke.  
Lexa lets out a huge sigh and lifts herself up from the scaffold just enough to flip around. She repeats those words as she stares at the night sky.  
 _Stay Strong. Your Fight is not over._  
She begins to relax and decides to find all her favorite constellations: Cassiopeia, Pegasus, Orion, Perseus, and Sagittarius. After a while, her eyelids grow heavy and she falls asleep.

* * *

Octavia and the blonde are cuddled up in Clarke's king size bed. Mascara blotted Clarke's pillow, as she lay deep in her bed. Octavia is behind her holding her tight. The morning is shining through the windows of the Houston Hut skimming over last night's festivities. The floor is littered with solo cups and chips, the counter has salt and limes strewn over it, an empty Igloo cooler tipped over in the sink, and a dry tequila bottle broken on the floor. The backyard is just as gnarly except there are bodies lacing the furniture and trampoline. It is early and the only sound that you can hear is the dull song radiating from the IPod that is still on the stand. Raven enters Clarke's room and finds both beauties wrapped up together. She stretches her arms, wearing just a sports bra and boy shorts, as she stares at them looking so peaceful. Yawning like she just woke up she walks through the hall and stops in her tracks.

 _Beck-Girl_

"This place is jacked da fuck up," She laughs at herself. She walks back to O's room and puts on her jeans and sneakers before heading back out to the mess. Raven starts cleaning in the kitchen so she can make coffee for everyone. She cleans up the glass on the floor and throws it away on top of the already full trashcan. She grabs a trash bag from the pantry and starts the daunting task of pick up. She starts with the limes then the solo cups. As soon as the kitchen is clean enough to brew coffee, she boils some water and readies the Chemex-coffee maker. Raven had given it as a gift to the Hut for Christmas. Octavia sits up like she was awakened by a demon, but it's the smell of coffee that brings her to the living. Her head pounds at her like a screaming baby as she makes her way to the kitchen. Raven sees her emerge while in the living room, picking up solo cups and chips from the floor.  
"You look like a hot mess," she giggles. Octavia jerks her head at Raven in surprise. Her arm is up the wall as she stretches there for a moment before speaking.  
"I forgot you were here…but I am glad because Coffeeeee." She smiles and sits down at the bar stool in the kitchen, turning to face Raven.  
"You look good in my shirt," Raven beams and delicately picks up something strange off the floor with just her index finger and thumb.  
Octavia looks down at herself and realizes she is in Ravens shirt with underwear just peaking out from under it.  
"What the heck is this?" Raven lifts up a stringy piece of clothing in the air. Octavia's eyes widen and she laughs a boastful chuckle, "That is a banana hammock." Raven looks at her with sheer confusion, "What the heck is a banana hammock?" Octavia looks at her in surprise. "You don't know what a banana hammock is? That is like a thong for men!"  
Raven drops the thong immediately and runs to the bathroom to wash her hands screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING? What is that doing in the living room?!"  
Octavia laughs at her wigging out over it and gets up to grab the tongs from the kitchen. After washing her hands thoroughly Raven re-appears from the hallway. O hands her the tongs, "Here, use these!"  
"You know I will throw these away when I am done with them, right? Who knows what other nasty things I will find."  
"Yeah, that's fine. We never use them anyway." Raven returns to cleaning the living room as O makes her way into the kitchen to pour the water over the Chemex to drip.  
"So did you have fun last night?" O asks Raven prompting to talk about what happened between them.  
Raven blushes and replies, " Yeah. I had a blast, great party!" Eager to change the subject she asks, "So how is Clarke?"  
Octavia notices Raven changed the subject but allows it, making a note to herself to bring it up later.  
"Clarke is going to be fine. She was really drunk last night so her emotions were off the charts. I haven't seen her that upset in years." Raven stops cleaning and walks in the kitchen to sit at the bar stool to talk softer.  
"What happened? Did she see Lexa kiss that girl in the kitchen?" Octavia puts her finger up to her lips and looks down the hallway toward Clarke's room.  
"I don't know if she did but she came busting through the door at nearly four o'clock in the morning. I came running out and she was crying against the door…" She pauses and leans in, "But get this, soon after Lexa comes through the back door looking like she had been in a fight, with scratches on her cheek and swollen eyes." Raven's mouth falls a little open and she probes, "Woah.. you think Clarke and her fought?" Octavia shrugs her shoulders and continues, " I am not sure but Lexa was like, stunned or something. She wouldn't stop staring at Clarke on the floor and I had to shove her against the wall to keep her from coming in. Clarke was hysterical, she would have panicked if I let Lexa come near her."  
Ravens face looked intrigued,"You shoved her against the wall?"  
Octavia rubbed her neck nervously at the situation. "Yeah… I feel bad about that part but I was protecting Clarke. You should have seen her Ray… She was so distraught. I wonder what happened."  
Raven sighed and got off the stool to grab three mugs from the cupboard.  
"All we can do is be there for her now, we shouldn't bring it up."

Clarke's eyes are open as she listens to the conversation in the kitchen. She woke up as soon as Octavia left her bed.

 _Lexa kissed a girl in the kitchen…_?

Clarke had overheard Raven. Her brain kicks the back of her scull, trying to remember the night. The images are foggy but she knows what happened. The most prominent memory was of her hitting Lexa in the face. She cowered at the thought and pulled the sheets over her head.

 _Lexa kissed a girl in the kitchen…_

She moans at the empty feeling in her stomach, from lack of food and the idea of Lexa not wanting her. She remembers Lexa saying those words and it burning her heart like acid.  
Raven pours the coffee in three cups and hands Octavia a mug that had Bellamy's cat on it. Under the cartoon depiction it said _Feline Thelonious Jaha Baja._ The cartoon cat is dressed in a hula skirt and sunglasses. It was O's favorite mug.  
"Lets go bring this to her" Raven suggested, leading the way with two mugs in hand. Octavia nods and follows her to Clarke's room, which was on the left side of the hallway. They peek their heads in and see Clarke under the covers completely.  
"Clarke Barke? Are you awake?" O whispers as they climb on top of the bed.  
"Wake up little mama, we bring tidings…" Raven circles the mug over Clarke's head as to waft her with the aroma. Clarke slowly pulls down the sheet from her face and groans at the light. "There is my sweet girl, here is some coffee for that hang over I am sure you have," Raven says insisting she take the mug. Clarke looks at both of them and notices Octavia in Ravens shirt and Raven not wearing one. This makes her grin as she lifts herself to take the coffee gladly.  
"Thanks you guys, I think I am dying..." Her friends laugh as they both scoot to sit on either side of Clarke and lean against the headboard.

"If you are dying then you are going to heaven because you have two sweet angels sitting next to you" Raven says before sipping her coffee smugly. The girls laugh out and Octavia glances at Raven through Clarke with gleaming eyes.  
 _Maybe I like this girl more than I should._

* * *

 _Zella Day- 1965_

Lexa slept under the scoreboard the whole night only to wake at the feeling of her phone vibrating in her pants. She usually keeps her phone on silent because Lexa isn't big on technology and being plugged into the network. She groans awake, putting her hands over her eyes. She feels how puffy they are and lets out a deep sigh thinking about Clarke. She wishes she could go back to yesterday morning when they were the closest they had been. When the love was so sweet it made her sad.

 **Bzzz**

 **Bzzz**

Lexa reaches into her pocket and looks at her phone. Anya is calling, probably has been all morning. She answers it hesitantly.  
"LEXA?! Where are you? Are you okay?" Anya gasps in the phone, relieved that someone picked up.  
"I am fine Anya" Lexa sits up and rubs her back.  
"I have been so worried Lex… I texted you twenty times and have been calling you all morning. Practice is about to start; we are in the locker room. Where ARE you?"  
Lexa pulls the phone away from her ear and looks at the time.  
 **8:45am  
** She huffs and replies, "Calm down Anya, I am here. I will be there in a minute." Before Anya could reply she hangs up the phone and puts it back in her pocket. She looks up at the blue sky and can't help but see Her eyes. She had dreamt of Clarke. It was so real, she could smell her hair, but the images she could remember were all close ups. Clips of her milk skin, glimpses of her lips, and the grip of her fingers on clothes. She makes her way down the ladder when she sees a few girls make their way out to the pitch. She slows but doesn't care if they see her. She walks passed them and into the hallway leading to their locker room. As soon as she walks in, Anya notices she is wearing the same clothes from the party. She runs up to Lexa and slams her with a hug. The sudden impact makes Lexa whimper in pain. "Anya…not so hard, I hurt all over."  
Anya pulls away leaving her hands on Lexa's shoulders, "Why? Are you hurt?" She looks at the scratches on her face and down to her grassy knees. Anya notices she is roughed up but waits for her to open up.  
 _Only my heart…_ Lexa thinks to herself as she dismisses Anya's question to open her locker. Anya stares after her and sits on the bench waiting for her to respond. Lexa proceeds to change into her spare gear and as she puts on deodorant she says, "Anya, I am fine." Anya punches the bench and sternly says, "Lexa. You can't keep shutting me out. You are my family and I want to be there for you. Please…"  
Lexa sighs and turns in defeat, "You are right Anya. I am not being a good sister."  
Anya looks at her with sad eyes, " That is not what I said Lex, I just want to be there for you and you just need to let me. You might not want it but you need it."  
Lexa nods and sits down on the bench next to her sister. Anya puts her arm over her and says, " We have always stuck together and now is not the time to deal on your own sis. I love you and want what is best for you. You don't have to go at it alone."  
 _But I feel so alone…_ Lexa starts to think inwardly. "See, like right now… What are you thinking Lexa?" Anya pries.  
Lexa looks up through damp eyes, "But I feel so alone Anya…"  
Anya scoots closer and pulls her in for a hug. "I know Lex, but you are not alone. You have me. And if anything, you have the team and your friends."  
Lexa lets out a few tears, "My friends aren't my friends…they are Clarke's." Anya sighs realizing that nothing she will say will lift Lexa's spirits right now. So she gets up and figures a rigorous workout will help.  
"Come on, lets beat up some girls on the pitch," Anya says with a smile. Lexa aches all over from sleeping on metal in the cold of night. She straps on her cleats and runs out to the pitch with her sister at her side.


	12. Chapter 12

**-CH. 12 Almost**

 _The Submarines-1940  
_

* * *

Clarke stayed behind as Raven and Octavia went to school. She wanted to re-center and clean the house. At least that is what she told them. She makes herself get out of bed to start moving the day along. It is already eleven and she needs to distract herself because all she can think about is Lexa. Clarke starts to clean up where Raven left off and turns on her IPod to random shuffle. She gets in the zone and is able to enjoy dancing to the music. She is good at compartmentalizing and doing what needs to be done. By the time she migrates outside all the drunkards have woken up and left. Clarke looks at the ground at all the broken glass and crushed cups, "Oh my… I think the Houston Hut might have seen better days." _  
_She goes back inside to get a broom and starts to slowly sweep up all the glass, cups, and cigarettes off the patio. She takes her time, replaying the night over in her head thinking about what she would have done differently. She had filled up three large black trash bags of garbage and broken glass. She heaves each one to the street. While she drags the last one to the street a branch pokes a hole in the side. It leaks something she can only hope is punch, tequila, and chunky Jell-O mixed together.  
 _Gross!_ She jumps, sending her into the street while she stomps her feet in revulsion. Walking back to the sidewalk, she suddenly stops dead in her tracks.  
 _Wait… was that Lexa's car at the end of the street…  
_ Clarke steps backward far enough to get a gander. Still not sure, she walks down the road squinting her eyes. As soon as she sees the sticker of a raccoon on the left top corner of the windshield, she knew it was hers. Clarke had bought that at a gift shop on one of their group trips out near Glenwood Springs. She stands there wondering if she could be in the car. Looking at it for a hot minute she decides to walk up and peer inside. There is nothing but a gym back in the passenger seat. Glancing down at where they sat but a few hours ago, Clarke's compartments begin to dislodge. Her heart snags at the breath she pulls. Blinking tears away, she looks around to make sure she isn't laying in a bush or a ditch. Worry in her throat she runs back to the house. She busts through the door and goes straight to her phone, hovering over Lexa's name. Nerves prevail and she clicks on Octavia's name instead.  
 **1:00pm- Octavia  
** _Clarke: Have you seen Lexa at school today? Her car is still parked on our street.  
_  
Clarke waits for her reply while she sits at the bar in the kitchen.  
 _Where did she go last night? It's my fault if anything happens to her. I treated her awfully. What is wrong with me…? I push everyone away. I promise, if she is okay I will tell her and show her how much she means to me.  
_ Clarke puts her head down on the counter, promising to do many things if only.  
 **  
** _ **Ding**_ **  
**  
Clarke jerks her head up almost falling out of the stool.  
 **  
1:05pm  
** _Octavia: I just spoke to her. She is fine Clarke. Stay home and try to relax. I will be home later with surprises._  
Clarke takes a deep breath and relaxes. At least she is safe. After thinking about what she would have done if something happened to Lexa, she finishes up the last bit of chores.  
 _I can't stand this…_  
She tortures herself as she vacuums, sucking up her feelings. She wipes down the counters and cabinets, and folds up all the beer pong tables stashing them in the shed by the trampoline. She starts to walk by the trampoline but stops herself. Clarke notices its existence. She hadn't jumped on it in a while and decides that it's kind of cruel when she is sure that's all it desires. Wanting to give something to anything, she justifies keeping it company for a while. She always loved trampolines and promised herself when she was little that she would own the biggest one she could get. She kept that promise and couldn't be happier. Clarke jumps on the trampoline, spinning around in mid air to catch a 360 view of the neighborhood. She likes it here. Mountains surround her, fresh air is abundant, and she loves her friends. Only, one thing is missing. She realizes what she is thankful for and on her last jump she leans backward at the peak height just to feel weightless for a moment. Her body is horizontal and her hair flies up passed her face, her arms float up beside her, and she can see the sky up close. She lets herself bounce on her back until she stills. Her limbs sprawled out as they landed. She thinks about who she is and who she wants to be. She forgets to hang out with herself often because the thought of being alone scares her. She should be used to it by now. Finn's accident had left a crater of doubt and repentance inside her, which has kept most prospects at a safe distance. Feeling dirty and tired now, she yearns for the solace of her shower. With a better perspective she slides herself off the trampoline and walks through a clean house. This makes Clarke feel accomplished, a small win compared to the war that is raging on inside of her for skipping school.  
She turns the shower on and strips down from last night's clothing. The water is heaven descending, washing the hell right off her. The shower is a sacred place where her thoughts get steamed out and her soul cleansed.  
 _Maybe I overreacted last night…_

 _Blue Jeans (RAC) remix_

She thinks about Lexa's past and how much she has gone through. Protecting one's heart becomes paramount when it's about surviving.  
 _You have to survive before you can thrive._ _I can't blame her for that._  
She can't control herself when she is around Lexa and slowing down hurts too much.  
 _But following your heart with out restraint can lead you into a place your mind doesn't understand. This is where vulnerabilities, doubts, and insecurities flourish. Where actions derail words._  
She talks with herself often to re-center, to put her actions into perspective. Accountability is important to Clarke. She thinks about Lexa's eyes the first day they met, like Velcro they would stick to hers. It was undeniable the frequency between them. She had felt it just as strong as that day, the years just adding to the adhesive. She loved the way clothes clung to her body, wishing more than ever that she were made of cotton. She leans her head under the showerhead and lets the water envelope her head. She enjoys the way the water thick over her ears, shutting everything out. Like a blanket it is comforting.  
 _How can I let these feelings go with out losing myself?_  
She thinks herself in circles until the water runs cold. All the sudden she feels nauseated and quickly jumps out of the shower and walks to her room, flopping down on her bed. This happens sometimes when she stays in the shower too long. The heat gets to her and she over works her brain. She dozes off for twenty minutes before opening her eyes. She realizes she is still naked. Not minding, her fingers navigate to her stomach, lightly grazing over herself to feel the sensation of her own skin. Clarke closes her eyes and imagines grey green and petal pink upon a canvas. She continues trailing her skin and rolls around in her sheet, feeling it wrap around her. Imagining Her arms as the satin and Her lips as each wisp of the finger. The blonde rests on her back, breathing heavy as her fantasy evades her being nowhere near comparable to the real thing. She gets a flood of inspiration and lifts herself up to grab her IPod station from the bathroom, making her way to her studio. She approaches the empty canvas that has been on her easel for weeks. It sits in the middle of the room facing a couch that rests to the left of the doorway. Placed there so she can step back from her work to inspect and dissect. With out any inspiration Clarke has left this room idle for far too long. Complete works cover the walls; the room is a good size allowing large stretchers to spread on the floor. They lie waiting for canvas to be stretched over them and gesso-ed. Raven helped her build the stretchers out of select pine while Clarke told her where to cut and nail.  
Staring at the ready canvas, she sets up her palette with shades of greens, yellows, and pinks that can almost be called dusty. Once her brush touches canvas, she realizes how much she missed this. The visceral experience when she uses her fingers and her hips to express movement to a line is unparalleled.

* * *

Practice was especially intense today because some of the girls on the rugby team decided to prank Titus with toilet paper all over his office overnight. He always thinks the team is distracted and lavishes them with more drills accordingly. Today was pay back. Lexa is utterly exhausted as she makes her way back into the locker room. Although tired, she feels a lot better. Anya pushes passed Lexa toward the shower stalls. The brunette walks slowly, taking off pieces of her clothing and dropping them one by one along the way. "What has got you in such a hurry?" Lexa asks as she passes her stall to get to her own. Anya smiles. "I have class, duh!" Lexa smirks and knows this is a lie because she has memorized her schedule and her class isn't for hours. Anya leaps out of the shower, gets dressed and leaves before Lexa finishes. She wonders what her sister is up to but she seems happy so she doesn't pry.  
Clarke manifests to the front of her mind and she wonders how she is. She wonders what she is doing, what she is wearing, and if she is thinking about her. Lexa slumps at the memory of the blonde on the floor.  
 _I have to fix this… I need to fix this.  
_ Lexa goes to Anya's locker and grabs her extra pair of clothes. She puts on grey sweats and a loose white tank top that has an abstract illustration of the solar system drawn down the back of it. Her hair is pulled back in a loose bun as she makes her exit out the door. She puts in Anya's headphones she nabbed out of her locker and turns on the playlist Clarke made for her in the summer.

 _Gabriel Rios-Gold (Thomas Jack Radio Edit)_

Walking out into the parking lot she looks around for her car. It's not there.  
 _Shit, it's at Clarkes._  
She sighs at the thought of walking some more as she leisurely makes her way toward Willow Circle. Her muscles are screaming at her but she is used to the kind of pain after strenuous demand. She likes it. Willow Circle isn't but a fifteen-minute walk from campus, but Lexa takes her time. She wants to make sure she knows what to say before she gets there. Seeing Clarke's eyes debilitates her, causing major malfunctions of all things composed. Lexa doesn't like feeling out of control, not since that day. As she strolls through campus, looking at every flower and touching every tree, she remembers the first time she hurt Clarke.

* * *

 _Ever since she met Clarke at the hospital, Lexa couldn't stop thinking about her. The way she tucked her brilliant blonde hair behind her ear. The way her eyes glistened when she caught them, never wanting to let them go. It was unsettling for Lexa to feel this way after Costia. She found it disturbing and so she tucked it away with everything else._

 _The paper Clarke gave her was hanging up on her refrigerator. She would glance at it everyday, choking down the urge to message her. Until one day, she yanked it from underneath the magnet and threw it in the trash. She didn't take the trash out for two weeks after that. Lexa was going out of her way to not produce any waste, ignoring her conscious effort to save the number. One day she grew annoyed at how childish she was being and decided to own up. She was just a girl after all. Diving into the trash to find the number she finally unraveled the paper the girl gave her. Still covered in trash she plugged the number into her phone and saved it. Now what…  
Lexa waits a day before texting her but she does. _

_**02/04/13  
**_ _Lexa: Hey Clarke, it's Lexa. The girl from the hospital, you probably don't remember me but I just wanted to thank you and your mom. Anya is fully recovered and is back to her old self._

She didn't know what else to say, too coward to ask her out like she wanted to. Clarke responded right away.

Clarke: Hey, That is really nice of you to say, I am happy to hear from you. How are you holding up?  
Lexa: I am fine. Back to the grind at school. How are you?  
Clarke: Oh yeah, me too. Actually, I am not doing so well. I lost a few people very close to me recently.

During this time, Clarke had just lost her dad to cancer in December and Finn shortly after in January. Her dad's was a long time coming but Finn's was unexpected. If anyone knew loss it was Clarke.  
Lexa didn't know what to say but all she knew is that she wanted to comfort Clarke.

 _Lexa: Oh, Clarke. I am very sad to hear that. I know you don't know me that well but maybe if that is what you need, I am here.  
Clarke: Will you just talk to me for a while?  
Lexa: Of course, Clarke._

 _They text for hours, exploring each other's past and present. They get along so well they fall asleep texting. Finally Lexa asks Clarke to hang out. She takes Clarke snowboarding. Clarke wasn't very good but Lexa was there to hold her every slip of the way. A week goes by and they grow inseparable. They become fast friends who took each other away from the realities of their lives. They could escape the sad eyes of their friends and family who know too much of their pain. This was their escape. The day before Valentines Day, Lexa and Clarke had a particularly amazing day. They laughed until they cried and forgot about their losses. Lexa had mustered up the courage to ask Clarke out on a date. Clarke was enamored and sad yes with no reservation. Everything was moving so fast and Lexa was acting on impulse. She was letting her heart lead her and she barely noticed. The day of their date, Lexa was a wreck. Shaking at the realization she had let someone in so deep that it would fragment her into nothing if it were to be ripped out. This was not what she planned. This was not something she could handle. Anya tried to calm her down but Lexa was despondent. Lexa got into her car and drove. She kept driving until everything she saw outside her window was unfamiliar._  
 _Clarke was excited for this date, she felt new and rejuvenated. This girl made her feel comfortable in her own skin and that the future wouldn't be as bleak. Her mom helped her get ready and Octavia and Raven hung out with her all day, hearing about her ramble on about Lexa. They were tired of it but listened anyways because they hadn't seen Clarke this happy. Especially, since the recent deaths that seemed to take her soul. But they saw her returning to them in full shine. Clarke arrived at The Conclave, a modern restaurant in the expensive side of town. It wasn't so upscale as to take reservations but the artwork inside was astral. This place was amazing. They decided to meet there as to avoid the cliché of who is the man in the relationship, as Raven put it. Clarke waited in her black dress. Her hair was wavy, pinned up, letting a few tendrils hang on the sides of her cheeks. She wore red lipstick and shades of grey on her eyelids, making her eyes stand out like sapphires. Many men had complimented her while she sat at the entrance waiting on the brunette. The blonde thought maybe she was running late, but after an hour she knew. Tears begin to rest themselves on the edge of her eyelids. Lexa wasn't coming. She didn't bother texting; she didn't bother calling. Clarke called no one to come get her. She sat up from the waiting area and calmly walked out. She just walked down the concrete gauntlet of love struck couples as she tore the pins out of her hair, wiped her lips roughly with the back of her hand, and stepped out of her heels. As she stepped out of those heels she left them behind her, one step from the other, almost looking like a girl was swept off her feet right there. Almost._

* * *

New Navy- breathe (Telepopmusik cover)

Lexa is sitting down in the nook near Polis as she revisits one of her biggest regrets. Tears are becoming too familiar with her eyes. She hasn't eaten in almost two days and figures she needs to eat something before she faints. Polis hand makes their pizzas and as soon as she walks in, the smell churns her stomach into starvation. She orders a large pizza to go. They said it would be a thirty-minute wait so she gets her phone out and texts Octavia, when she really wanted to text Clarke.  
 **12:28pm  
** _Lexa: Hey O, Do you know where Clarke is? I know I messed up and I would like to speak with her in person.  
_ **12:30pm  
** _O: Have you figured your shit out yet? I will not stand by and let you hurt her again.  
Lexa: Yes Octavia. I have. I need to speak with her, is she with you?  
O: I swear to god if you hurt her, I will kick your ass.  
Lexa: I know.  
_ **12:35pm  
** _O: She stayed home from school today, she should be there.  
_  
Lexa shuts her eyes at that knowledge. Clarke doesn't miss school and she stayed home.

 **12:36pm  
** _Lexa: Please don't tell her I am coming; I don't want her to run from me. I really need to make this right._ _Okay?  
O: I won't tell her but my offer stands. This is your last chance in my book. When are you going over?  
Lexa: I know. Thank you O. I am at Polis now, so I will be there in an hour.  
O: Good Luck Lex. Despite my better judgment, I know Clarke. And she would want me to give you this chance.  
_Lexa sighs and is really glad Clarke has a friend like Octavia. If Lexa didn't have Anya, she probably would have been long gone by now. She waits for the pizza as she orders some liquid courage from the bartender.  
"Getting a head start on the day?"  
Lexa looks up over two turned down shot glasses and has her hand on the third. The bartender is looming over her, waiting for a response.  
"Something like that," Lexa says right before she downs the shot. "Just finding the courage to trust my heart." She doesn't know why she is opening up but might as well practice.  
"I know that life, well here is another on the house. Good luck."  
Lexa has thick blood and can drink most of her friends under the table. So this next shot will put her in a good spot on an empty stomach, just enough to let her feel with out thinking herself into a web. As soon as she takes the fourth shot, her pizza is ready. She pays and tips handsomely for the attentiveness and the practice. Before she gets up, she scarfs down a piece of pizza so she won't get sick. Octavia would 'kick her ass' if she messed this up.  
She leaves Polis to make her way to Clarke's and arrives on Willow Circle at 1:30pm.  
Lexa walks next to her car dragging one hand along the side of it as she holds the pizza in her other hand like a professional waitress. She feels tranquil and breezy. The liquid courage is working, maybe a little too much. So she moves to lean on the hood of her car to eat another slice of pizza to balance her out. As she sits there she declares that she will tell Clarke everything she feels. She declares that her heart will lie open for her to do what she will. She declares this even if it kills her.

Confident and satiated, Lexa slips off her car on the passenger side to get her gym bag. She always carried a bag full of necessities in her car just in case a zombie apocalypse happened and she needed to run. Some people refer to this as a bug-out bag. She grabs a water bottle and her travel toothbrush and paste to brush her teeth. She swashes water in her mouth and spits it out into the grass next to the sidewalk. Breathing in an icy breath, she looks at herself in her side view mirror, realizing she hasn't had much sleep. Faint reminders were emerging from below her eyes. Lexa lets her hair down and shakes it out. Her hair is wavy and voluptuous, falling on her shoulder like the curve of a crescent moon. She runs her hands through it and tucks a small piece behind her ear. It is still damp but has dried a bit from the walk. Not sure how clean Anya's rugby sweatpants are she quickly changes into the spare denim she has in her bag. She passes one last inspection in the side view mirror and takes a deep breath.  
 _Have Courage…_ She tells herself while looking down the street toward Clarke's. She walks quickly so her mind doesn't dodge what her heart wants. She arrives at the front door and pauses.

 _Maybe I should go through the backdoor. No, maybe I will climb through her window. Ugh, that is too creepy. I'll knock. No. She probably won't answer.  
_ The nerves start winning as she backs away from the door.


	13. Chapter 13

**-CH.13 Satin**

 _London Grammar- Strong  
_

* * *

She steps down from the porch and makes her way around the house, glancing at the spot where they were once pressed. Lexa handles the metal lever and slips through the gate, shutting it softly behind her. Taking a deep breath, she looks around the yard and it's all cleaned up. Clarke had been busy. She notices that her beer bottle was all swept up except one chunk in the corner. She slyly looks through the glass door incase Clarke was on the couch watching T.V. With relief she wasn't. If the glass door was locked, Lexa knew she would lose the courage that the whiskey so kindly gave her and she would run. The door was unlocked. She sighed and slid it open to enter. The house was spick and span and she could hear music playing in the back of the house. She inched in, absorbing the difference of the house from last night. Lexa steps carefully down the hallway, losing all the things she had prepared to say as they shrunk into her doubt, feeding it like a black hole. She knew it was useless to think of words before hand because one look from the blonde and she was enraptured. Even the thought of seeing her is having the same affect. Trying to breath as slow and deep as she can, she walks by Clarke's room. She looks in and sees her sheets missing and coffee mugs covering her nightstand. This makes Lexa smile, imagining her friends comforting her in bed. She looks up at the wall right next to her door and sees pictures of their numerous trips hanging there. Clarke had brought her new camera and took a thousand pictures. She had put new photos in the frames, replacing ones of her when she was a little bean. It was one of those frames where it held multiple pictures in a collage kind of way. In one frame there was the group on the mountain after making it to the summit and next to it a picture of Raven and Octavia in a tree. But Lexa noticed that most of it was of Clarke and her. She hadn't realized that before now, wondering when put these up. She skimmed over each of them, landing on the last picture. It was her favorite. Clarke and her woke up earlier than everyone else that morning as usual. It was during the hike up Mt. Weather and it started to snow. Clarke dragged Lexa out of the comfort of her sleeping bag to play in it. Lexa did not want to because it was bone chilling. Clarke loved winter. Watching her play with the snowflakes as they fell was one of Lexa's favorite memories of Clarke. She had her camera and came up behind Lexa and snuggled next to her face while lifting the camera up high. She waited until snowflakes had landed on both their noses and then said, 'Snowflake!' before capturing the picture. It turned out great, a close up of them with smiles stretched far across their faces; noses scrunched up with snowflakes perched on the end. Lexa takes another deep breath and straightens up, focusing on finding Clarke. Music is coming from the last door on the right. She paces passed Octavia's room and walks up to the door that is usually locked. Lexa knew it was Clarke's studio but had never seen any of her stuff before. She wanted to but she knew how shy Clarke was with her work.  
 _Okay, I should knock right? I don't know. She might lock the door and then I would be talking through a wall. Ugh.  
_ Lexa stands there for a few more moments breathing heavily and turns away. She smacks her cheeks lightly and pumps herself up.  
 _Have Courage.  
_ She whips back around and quietly wraps her hands around the doorknob to turn it, expecting it to be locked she was thankful it wasn't. So far, so good.

 _Birdy- Skinny Love_

Lexa pushes the door silently open to reveal Clarke sitting on a stool in front of a full canvas. Lexa loses her breath immediately. Her heart has given up on trying to keep up. Her eyes are illuminating as she takes in the view. They begin to water but in a different essence. Clarke's back is completely bare as her satin sheet hugs at her hips and rests around her legs like a waterfall. Her sheets are a soft pink, like the color of her lips. She follows from Clarke's hips up the curves of her sides, onto her neck and into the blonde hair twisted into a tiny clip that is hidden among the gold. The beauty sits with her head tilted as she stares at what she had just done on canvas. She looks unsure and delicate. The music is loud so she doesn't hear Lexa enter the room. Lexa is in awe and all her nerves and doubts peel away. This girl is worth everything she has been through. To see her in her element makes Lexa envious of the paint that clings to her skin. She steps closer not wanting to disturb the quality of the girl in her vision. She is inches away from her milky back, taking it all in. She watches her breathe.

Clarke has been thinking about Lexa the whole time she put paint to canvas, thinking about her colors and curves. About the smile she misses and the laugh she can barely recall. She tilts her head, wondering if she captured Lexa's face well enough knowing she could never. She had painted a realistic image of her face fading into impressionist movements of color and passion. An abstract background surrounds it all. The blonde sighs and closes her eyes, imagining Lexa's arms wrapped around her.

Waiting until she can no longer let that back go untouched she timidly wraps her arms around the blonde while placing her lips on her back and then up to her shoulder. She feels her jump slightly so she tightens her fold. The girl gives and sinks into her embrace. Lexa drags her lips across her shoulder into her neck and inhales. She tries to breathe as much of this girl into her. Hoping pieces of her would stick permanently to her insides.

Clarke jumps at the arms wrapping around her, half thinking it was her imagination and half hoping it was Her, really here.  
 _Lexa...?  
_ She feels lips press against her back, then her shoulder and at that moment she melts into the familiar stranger. Tears fill her eyes. Clarke breathes in at the gentle nature of Her movements. The arms wrap around her stomach so tight; Clarke drops her paintbrush and clasps her hands around those arms she had wished of her sheets. She hangs her head low as saline descends, landing on foreign limbs.  
Lexa blinks her tears away. She kisses the blonde behind her ear dragging her lips up to where she is pulsing and whispers "Clarke.. I..."  
And at the sound of her voice, Clarke knows this is real. She gasps and swiftly stands up and turns to wrap her hands around the brunette that stood behind her. Satin falls to their feet; they grip each other in reverie. _  
_"Lexa" Clarke breathes, in complete relief she is here now. _  
_"I'm here Clarke and I'm not going anywhere this time." Clarke slings her legs around Lexa's waist after hearing those words. Holding on to the blonde with one arm around her waist, Lexa lifts the satin sheet with her foot and grabs it with her free hand.

 _Bon Iver- Holocene_

She walks their entwined bodies to the couch that sits across from her canvas, dragging the satin behind her. Lexa effortlessly flings the sheet over the couch, never taking her eyes from the blue. The brunette kneels down, setting the blonde on her back, her legs still wrapped around her. Clarke has yet to think about her naked body that is open and vulnerable. She can only drink what is in front of her with a parched heart. Lexa leans up over her, shuts the door and kindly locks it. As she is hovering, her shirt raises just enough for Clarke to see her stomach. So inviting, Clarke slides her hands under and up the sides of her hips, slowly gliding upward and then over her chest. Lexa has already locked the door but idles just feeling her touch. Clarke puts her face into the chest that presents itself and inhales her natural scent that she loves. Lexa's eyes are closed as she takes another deep breath. She lowers and Clarke firmly holds her hands against her, bringing her shirt up over her head as she comes back down. She drops it behind her as her hands now grip the arm of the couch above her head. The heat between them is palpable. The brunette's arms are fully extended on each side of the blonde, holding her body up to take in the view. She adjusts to straddle Clarke's leg. No words have been said, no words need to be said, just actions. Their movements are soft and light as to not scare the other one away. But no one is running. Lexa looks from her eyes, to her nose, her lips and down to her breasts. She wants to take this as slow as she can, savoring and experiencing the girl beneath her. Clarke watches her steal glances and in this moment she feels truly sexy for the first time. With this she lowers her arms and trails her hands over Lexa's chest, skims her stomach with the back of her hands and tucks her fingers under the front of her pants. Staring in to Lexa's eyes she doesn't wait for permission and unbuttons her. Brunette hair cascades over Clarke's face as she looks down into the opening. Lexa is not wearing any underwear. The blonde peers up with an open mouth and Lexa is biting her lip. The brunette's hands are now gripping the arm of the couch above Clarke's head, most of her weight on her knees. The blonde slides her hands around Lexa's hipbones pushing her jeans further down with her knuckles. Clarke's breath hitches as she presses her thumbs against her pelvis, fingers gripping around to her ass. She bites her thirsty lip and lets out a throaty growl as she grabs bare ass and pulls hard. Lexa's lips part and groans at the sudden thrust bracing her arms to resist. She smiles at Clarke's pout and lifts her self on to her knees, sitting straight up. She crosses her arms and lifts her bra off; it pulls at her breasts until they drop. The blonde looks up at the best view of her life; Lexa topless with low opened jeans straddling her. Lexa smiles at her reaction and runs her hand through her brown hair, gauging her next move. After pulling her hair to one side, she grabs one of Clarke's hands and guides it to her breast. Clarke attempts to lift her other to follow but Lexa forcefully pins it above her, shaking her head. The blonde begins to resist but then a dark and foxy look catches her off guard and she gives up control. Lexa leans back and starts again, dragging Clarke's hand over her breast, down her stomach, pushing it lower and lower into the opening of her pants. Clarke moans and bucks her hips into her. She tries to push her hand further in to feel but Lexa yanks her hand out and pins it next to the other. She grins, taking pleasure in withholding. She guides Clarke's hands to turn and grip the arm behind her and urges her not to let go. Lexa wants to give the blonde everything. Clarke complies as she has both of her hands pinned. Lexa's lips linger over hers as she grinds down on her slowly. It's all about pelvis rotation. Not quite touching, she breathes in slow leaving cold air across Clarke's gaping lips. She hovers over her lips, resisting the kiss as she increases the pressure of her hips. She wants Clarke to show her how much she wants it. Until then she lifts herself onto her knees once more, leaving the blonde below in desperation. Starting from her arms, she caresses downward. Clarke's breathing is heavy and hastens. Lexa's hands glide down over her breasts, watching her nipples harden by her touch. Grazing her palms over them following with her fingers and clasps them in between squeezing and pulling. Clarke bites her bottom lip in pleasure and groans, looking at Lexa through hooded eyes. She tries to scoot down to rub herself against her leg but Lexa pulls away shaking her head, not yet. The blonde squirms and whines in her throat. Lexa decides to give her something to taste so she leans in and takes Clarke's lip into her mouth, tongues it hard and pulls away before she can react. It happened so fast Clarke's mouth lay open as she squints her eyes at the tease, exhaling thick. Lexa continues with her hands traveling down from her breasts and over her stomach. Her skin is the softest thing under the sun. She slides her hands around her hips, squeezes and pushes down on her; abruptly shoving her leg into her core with a thrust. Clarke lets out an audible moan gripping the couch harder. With her hands still holding her waist, Lexa slowly moves the blonde's body up and down on her thigh. She commands her, sliding her up and down, up and down. Watching Clarke react to the way she handles her, she curls her lip back into her own mouth and licks outwardly. Clarke arches her back, pushing against the arm for more.  
"Ohhh…"

Angus Stone- Big Jet Plane

Lexa leaves her thigh pressed tight against her as she allows their skin to meet, putting her ear close to Clarke's mouth listening to her sounds. She rotates her hips into her grinds, hovering her mouth over Clarke's lips. Breathing in each other's air. The blonde releases one hand from the couch to pull the brunette's lips in to hers but Lexa promptly stops thrusting and pulls away. She grins placing Clarke's hand back and shakes her head, not yet. Clarke bucks and groans, but doesn't say a word. Lexa leans in and begins work on her neck. She bites and licks, coercing a whimper from the girl below. Clarke's arms are numbing against the urge to release her grip from the couch. Lexa wants to see how far she can push her. While moving her body up and down and up and down, she trails her lips to Clarke's collarbone and tongues it hard. Sucking, biting, leaving red marks all along path.  
"OHHhmm.. fuh.." Clarke moans, opening her eyes with hunger. She releases both hands from the couch and grips Lexa's neck with one hand digging her fingers in. Bucking into her, she grabs her ass with the other hand and crashes her lips on Lexa's. With force she slides her tongue in and twists her head for leverage inside. Lexa moans in her mouth with a smile, this was the fire she was fanning. She gives in to the kiss more passionately and shoves her hand downward, pressing her fingers against her skin until she reaches just above Clark's heat. Lexa opens her eyes and bites the blonde's bottom lip before spreading her wide with her fingers.  
"Oh.. my god, you are so wet" Lexa says into her mouth. In excitement she slides her fingers through it, all the way to the blonde's entrance and back up again to glide over her most sensitive area. She toggles her fingers in between her, enjoying how much they slide with ease. She repeats this slowly and sensually, as she wraps her lips around Clarke's tongue. Her fingers continue to slide up…then down….up…then down, making sure to rub against her clit. Lexa bites on the blonde's lower lip and pulls before kissing over to her neck, to her ear, and then seductively whispers, "Tell me…"  
Clarke turns her cheek to press against Lexa's and pushes her hips upward.  
"I want you Lexa…" moaning the words. Lexa shakes her head in the nook of her neck. Clarke whimpers as Lexa's fingers linger above her entrance, inserting just a fingertip.  
She then modifies, "I want you to fuck me…" accentuating the K in determination to satisfy. Lexa gasped at the words. Understanding what she wants to hear, she moans again, "Fuck me… please Lexa…" Lexa hums with gratification, swiftly shoving two fingers into the blonde as she takes her ear lobe in her mouth. Clarke grunts and slaps her hands down on the brunette's lower back, grips hard and digs deep as Lexa thrusts her whole body with the slam of her fingers. As she shoves deeper inside, Clarke's moans get louder. Lexa lifts herself up slightly to bring her other leg between Clarke's. She spreads her legs outward to push Clarke's legs further apart. The blonde's foot lands on the floor while her other is knee-bent wedged up against the couch. Lexa slides her left arm behind her waist and lifts her up onto her lap, all while still inside of her. Clarke slings her arms around Lexa's neck and begins riding her fingers. The brunette's eyes are looking down between them watching her do work. She tightens her grip around the blonde's waist and pulls her in for a hard kiss.  
"mmmm…" Clarke moans into Lexa's mouth, quickening her pace, lifting herself up just to sit herself back down on Lexa's long stiff fingers again…and again… Lexa shifts her thumb to push against her clit and watches Clarke throw her head back "Fuuuck, Lexa…" Lexa's lips fall open, drooling. She changes gears and pushes Clarke back onto the couch and fucks her vehemently. Yearning for a taste, Lexa inches her way down, licking and nibbling on everything to her pelvis. Her fingers have yet to stop thrusting, wrapping her lips around the crease of her leg, kissing closer and closer to her clit as she moves to the other side to repeat. She looks up and finds Clarke reaching behind her to grab the couch once more, preparing herself for what she wants to come. Lexa pauses for the view of her breasts erect before immersing her mouth under her clit and with thirst dragging her tongue up and twists it around. _Mmm, she tastes sweet…_  
Her fingers curve firmly upward inside Clarke as her tongue dances and flicks. Lexa crashes her fingers in and out of her, pulling out almost all the way with each fuck. Clarke's moans are so loud now and frequent making her body shake that Lexa feels herself cum in her jeans. She has been on the verge, listening to the blonde whimper under her command. Being the cause of these noises send charges constantly down to Lexa's core. "ohmygod.." she mutters as she adamantly fucks Clarke harder to cum. With in seconds, Clarke is screaming, her hands now grabbing Lexa's head as her hips shake, bucking into her mouth. Lexa's arms are vibrating as the girl tightens around her fingers. She doesn't let up until she feels Clarke's pulsing slow, calming her thrusts along with the rhythm. Lexa slowly pulls out and wipes her mouth on the inside of the blonde's thigh. Clarke's arms are now limp, one strewn across her body as the other lay dangling off the couch. "Wow…" Clarke gasps, her eyes still closed. She can't feel her hands nor her feet. Lexa smirks and replies softly, "tell me about it..." kissing her thigh. Clarke smiles and reaches down to bring Lexa up to her mouth. The brunette eagerly complies and allows the blonde to taste herself on her lips. They kiss until they can't breathe and Lexa lowers herself to lie on Clarke's chest looking outward.  
That's when she notices. She stares at the canvas, no chance at catching her breath after realizing what she is looking at. Clarke had painted her face amidst a gorgeous melody of color and movement.  
"When did you paint that…?" Lexa breathes headily. Clark hummed, out of energy completely, "Today…"  
"Its of me…" Lexa swallows.  
Clarke squeezes her legs around Lexa. "I know…" lifting her hand up to caress her neck.  
Lexa stares at it, feeling Clarke's fingers glide below her ear, over her neck and cheek. They lay like that for over an hour, bodies flush, breathing together. The world inside of this room is perfect. Neither of them wants to move from their position, until Clarke lightly asks, "Lexa?"  
Lexa is sapped and answers with a soft, "hmm..."  
"Will you go out with me?"  
The question was so cute and forthcoming; Lexa opens her eyes and grins. She lifts herself to Clarke's face and kisses her gently, "Let me think about it."  
Clarke scoffs and smacks her ass. Lexa laughs out loud and presses her lips against the blonde's and assures her "Of course" she utters into her mouth "I'll take you anywhere", kissing her with a little tongue. They smile at each other, blue staring into the green and the green staring into the blue.

 **SLAM** _  
Psapp- Cosy in the Rocket_

They both jump at the sound of the front door, soon after a voice hollers, "HONEY, I'm home!" Lexa looks up at Clarke with wide eyes and a toothy smile. "That must be Octavia."  
Clarke nods her head but doesn't move until she hears a banging on the door.  
 **Knock Knock**  
"You in there Clarke?"  
Clarke sits up and raises a finger to her mouth and urges Lexa to be quiet. Lexa smiles and accepts the challenge. She sits up a bit; still between Clarke's bare legs. And slowly glides her hands up the blonde's sides as she stares with mischievous eyes. Clarke points her finger at the daring look and whispers, "no…" Lexa grins wildly and begins to squeeze at her sides erratically, tickling her. "PPffff.." Clarke struggles to keep quiet but she prevails. Lexa determined inches her head down kissing her stomach, making her way below. She shifts her arms under her legs and wraps her arms around them. Clarke is shaking her head fervently "Lexa…no…shhh" squeezing her legs around the brunette's face. Lexa doesn't back down and pulls her apart, shoving her head down with force. She sticks her tongue deep inside of Clarke while extending her arms to tickle her sides again.  
"OHHHmmmhahahaha…" Clarke moan-laughs awkwardly and loudly. Lexa sits back on her heels and raises her arms in the air in victory.  
"Clarke?... Lexa?"  
 **Bang**  
"ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING IN THERE? OH GOD…GROSS!" Octavia voices. Walking down the hall she continues, "When you're DONE! GET OUT HERE!"  
Clarke is smiling through her hands that cover her face in embarrassment. "Ohhh, you will pay so hard for that." She says lifting herself up to latch around Lexa's neck. She kisses her neck and then bites down hard. "Ahhhh…" Lexa falls back into the couch pulling Clarke with her and laughs "Ow, babe…"  
Clarke releases instantly and looks into her green eyes. Lexa didn't realize what she had said until it was too late, but it felt right. Clarke bites her lip at her and pushes her hips inward.  
"Did you like that?" Lexa smirks.  
"Mmhmm" Clarke hums still biting her lip.  
Lexa's hands rest on Clarke's ass. She squeezes one cheek and bites that lip for her, transitioning it into a deep passionate kiss. Lexa pulls back, "We should get out there." Clarke pouts her lip. Lexa smiles and sucks at that lip before shifting out from underneath her. Clarke flips over on to her back and watches Lexa button up her pants and search for her bra.  
"I threw that thing some where over here…"  
"Just don't wear one."  
Lexa smiles back, "my tank top has deep arm holes, it would be a little revealing."  
" I like that…" Clarke teases.  
Lexa looks for a bit more but accepts her bra-less fate. "Alright…"  
Clarke perks up, " Perfect!"  
Lexa stalks her way over and leans down for a kiss, "mm, yes you are."  
The blonde blushes and tucks her hair behind her ear.  
"God, I love it when you do that."  
"Do what?"  
Lexa shows her by tucking her blonde hair behind her other ear, "this."  
She kisses her cheek and grabs her tank top by the couch and slides it on.  
"Now… how are we going to get you out of here?" Lexa laughs.  
Clarke realizes that she doesn't have any clothes in here and turns beet red.  
Lexa smirks and yanks the sheet from underneath the blonde and says, "Here is your gown, m'lady."  
She laughs and stands up to graciously accept, wrapping herself up in the satin pink cloth. She chides, " Ahh, thank you peasant. Tis exactly my colour."  
Lexa gets real close to her face and utters, "If a peasant gets to fuck you like that, then I am your peasant miss…"  
Her smile turns into a gawk and she swallows. She loves it when Lexa gets all smoldery. Lexa turns and proceeds to head for the door. Clarke's eyes go musty and a grin emerges across her lips. She whispers to herself, "payback time…"  
Clarke flings the sheet off her shoulders like a cape too heavy and walks up behind Lexa shoving her body against the door.  
"Ohhmmphh…" Lexa turns her head to the side with her arms and hands flat against the door. "Clarke? Octavia is in her room..."  
Clarke slides her hands down Lexa's sides and states, "I know."  
Lexa inhales and tries to turn around. The blonde refuses her request and shakes her head. Lexa smiles and understands that this is pay back.  
The blonde leans in and whispers, "I want to feel how wet you are…" Lexa moans inwardly at the sound of Clarke's dirty words. She puts one hand over Lexa's pinning it to the door and entwines their fingers. Her blue eyes fixated on the green, she shoves her other hand down Lexas front and unbuttons her jeans with a snap of her finger, with out hesitation she slides her hand inside. Curving her fingers inward and… "Oh my god Lexa, you are soaking." Lexa nods and whimpers, " I came before you did."  
This turns Clarke on so much she pulls Lexa's ass off the door and into her lap as she sits herself on the arm of the couch. " I want to hear you," tenaciously spreading Lexa's legs while she slides her fingers in between. Lexa squirms under her touch as she leans her head back, Clarke pushes her fingers deeper, hooking her fingers in and pulls Lexa further into her lap with them. She reaches her other hand under her shirt and grips at her breast, lightly pinching and tugging at her nipple. "Perfect" Clarke breathes in her ear. Lexa lets out a sound.  
 **Bang Bang**  
Octavia bangs on the wall in her room and entices, "Heyyy! We got FOOOOD!" **  
**Lexa furrows her eyebrows and attempts to get off Clarke's lap. But Clarke holds her firmly and bites her shoulder to keep her still. "Try to keep quiet" She whispers as she slams her fingers deep inside her causing Lexa to collapse. Clarke makes sure her palm pushes against her clit with each thrust while holding her up with her other arm. Lexa reaches her hands behind Clarke to hold onto her back, pulling her ass further into her spreading her legs wider. To make silence more difficult, Clarke starts to moan in Lexa's ear, "I've wanted you since the first day I saw you." The brunette begins to pant, letting out small moans "mmm…mm.." Her hips gyrate as Clarke sucks on her neck in as many places as she can reach. "You taste so good, Lexa…" This sends Lexa over the edge as she grips Clarke's legs turning her knuckles white.  
"Ohh Clarke…" Lexa whines into her ear and cums into her hand. The blonde exhales deeply at the sound and grips her harder, slowing her fuck.  
"Good girl…" Clarke moaned back at her. Lexa's legs are numb and she falls backward pushing them both off the arm and into the couch. Clarke laughs wildly and kisses Lexa on the head.  
"COMING OCTAVIA!" Clarke yells upward and kisses all over Lexa's face letting her ride out her high.  
 _  
Sunday Girl- Love U more (RAC mix)_

When Lexa's breathing returns to normal she urges, "Come peasant, time to get up," Lexa moans and rolls over mushing her face into the couch. Clarke slaps her ass and gets up to grab the sheet off the floor to wrap around herself.  
"Come on, I know that I worked you into an appetite, Huhhh? fooooood." She coerces as she shakes Lexa's limp body. The brunette rolls over and off the couch lackadaisically. Clarke laughs and helps her get to her feet by pulling on the flaps of her jeans and buttons them. "Ugh, If we must." Lexa mutters, watching the blonde handle her.  
"Haha, yes we must. You have to cover me as I duck into my room to throw on some clothes." Lexa nods in cooperation and follows Clarke to the door hand in hand. The blonde looks back before unlocking the door, "ready love?"  
Lexa wraps her arms around her waist and hugs her from behind. "I am now." The meaning of these words resonates in more way than one.  
When Clarke opens the door she pulls Lexa ahead of her and they shuffle down the hall until she darts into her room and shuts the door. Lexa is left in the hallway in front of her door when Octavia and Raven curiously peer over the kitchen counter into the hallway. Lexa gasps at the prying eyes and ducks into Clarke's room before they could say anything. She runs to the bathroom, suddenly realizing how much she has to pee.  
"You okay?" Clarke calls out, putting on grey sweat pants that say North-Den U rugby along the side. She realizes these are Lexa's and smiles at the thought. She loved these sweats and never intends on returning them.  
"You left me out with the fishes! Raven and Octavia caught me in the hallway and then I had to desperately use the bathroom!" she calls out.  
Clarke laughs and waits for her to finish. Lexa walks out of the bathroom with a big sigh, "All good."  
Clarke gets up and extends her hand, "Come on, lets get this over with." Lexa laughs and takes her hand, "lead the way." They make their way down the hall hand in hand.  
"Hey! There they are!" Raven calls out.  
"Hi guys" Lexa says with a nervous smile as she runs her free hand through her hair pulling it over her left shoulder.  
Octavia looks at Clarke and then to Lexa. "You guys totally had sex! Just look at their cheeks Raven. You owe me five bucks!"  
Clarke blushes squeezing Lexa's hand. Raven chimes in not caring she lost the bet, "Oh yeah… I can smell it on them" she wafts the air.  
"SHUT UP! You cannot" Clarke smiles " We washed our hands..."  
Raven and Octavia bust out laughing, "Griffinnnnn!" Raven lifts her hand up for a hive five and Clarke slaps it gladly. "Damn, ouch… did she slap you that hard Lex?"  
Lexa tilts her head back in humiliation and falls on the bar stool, "It was harder than that" she smirks. They are all laughing now that Lexa joined in. Octavia walks out from the kitchen and slings her arms over Lexa and Clarke's shoulders. "I was hoping this would happen, so I brought home surprises. BEHOLD" She waves her hand over to the living room table. It is covered in food: pizza, Chinese, burgers, French fries, Cheetos, Doritos, Chex mix, and a bunch of candy.  
"AHHH," Clarke screams letting go of Lexa's hand and runs into the living room with sheer glee. Octavia still has her arm around Lexa and she turns to say, "Now look at that." They both look out at a happy Clarke.  
"Thank you both" Lexa smiles hugely and winks at Raven with a hand on Octavia's shoulder before heading into the smorgasbord of treats. "Thank you guys!" Clarke yells with a huge slice of pizza hanging out of her mouth. Lexa grabs a slice and sits next to Clarke. The blonde slings her legs to rest over Lexa's lap.  
Octavia looks at Raven, "Look at the good I do."  
"You are some woman," Raven says into O's eyes. Octavia winks at her and whispers, "We still haven't talked about last night…"  
"Come join us!" Lexa interrupts as she changes the channel to a new show on AMC. "Lets watch this new show called Fear the Walking Dead"  
Raven accepts the interruption and runs in and plops down on the couch beside them. Octavia shakes her head with a smile and joins, sitting close to Raven.  
"I hear there is a hot girl in it, so I'm down" Raven says scooting up to grab a Twizzler.  
"You are such a horn dog!" Clarke remarks before throwing an M&M at her.  
"Hey, I just call it as I see it." She leans back and stretches her arms behind her head; relaxing one arm down around Octavia's shoulder "I like the hot ones."  
Clarke peers around and sees her smooth move and laughs, " Aren't we a set of cute couples…" Lexa's mouth smirked up a bit before taking a huge bite of pizza.  
Raven sticks her head out and retorts, "Wanna trade?" Octavia glares at Raven and shoves her elbow in her ribs. "Oomph! Never mind. I'm good…" She recovers, smiling that she got that reaction. They all giggle and relax in each other's company.


	14. Chapter 14

**-CH. 14 Never Knew I Could Feel Like This  
** _Beats Antique- Beauty Beats  
_

* * *

Raven is tinkering in her shop, getting prepared for class. She has an assortment of spare parts to sort through. She has most of her semester planned out on the syllabus but wants to slightly change the mid-term she had planned. Instead she wants the class to make an automaton. Each student will have to build a self-operating machine that performs a specific function. The class will have to submit their functions to be approved before she will allow work to get started. They will have a few months to finish.

Raven really wants to create an exciting environment for her students. After only two days she loves what she is doing. Her confident demeanor thrives in an environment to which she is the center of attention. And if she can teach people how to build properly functioning machinery better than the 'crap' that is out there, she is more than happy to.

Building things and fixing things is a passion of Raven's, it comes naturally and prodigiously. She has been working on a few of her own automatons that scatter her apartment. One makes her coffee, the other cracks her eggs when she makes them scrambled, and another wakes her up by playing a mbira. A finger piano made of staggered metal tines that Tombo made for her.

Raven enjoyed African influenced things, having visited many times with her parents. They would help rebuild communities and live within them for months at a time. Living as they do, teaching each other new ways. Tombo was a village boy who grew strangely attached to Raven. Watching her as she worked. One day she built him a tiny metal sculpture of a bird, he was completely amazed. Every day he would ask what else Raven could do, so she taught him. He was passionate about it, building things and using his hands. She taught him how to use tools and that he could build anything using things he found. Being poor, he had very little but Raven saw the use in the most useless of things.

Her love of African culture is reflected through out her home. Although don't many get to see it because she is a private person. Always meeting others out and staying at the Houston Hut. She liked things in order, so when she leaves its exactly how she left it when she returns. She mixes Bohemian and African styles. With colorful patterned cloths hanging on a few walls, pictures of her in Africa surrounded by a bunch of village people, wooden sculptures made by Monty, and dried plants hanging from strange metal creations she has made over the years. After Raven's senior metal smith show that crossed the line of mechanical engineering and art, she impressed the staff and a bunch of local higher ups with her work. They offered her a job at the university to create her own program as well as commissioned work for some homes in the upper North side. She was planning on attending graduate school but she took the opportunity, knowing she can accomplish that anytime. North-Den U was one of the most highly regarded schools in the country. Being offered to create her program and teach it was a very rare and valuable opportunity.

Her mind wonders to Octavia as she organizes gears, levers, and screws into individual boxes. Raven is always playful so it is easy for her to hide her feelings but as of lately, the cat is out of the bag. And it is not going as she expected it to. She spent years watching Octavia date men that weren't good enough for her but she would always be there. Octavia was always the one to break it off but still felt bent up about it. Because she didn't understand why she didn't feel the way she should feel. Raven assured her it was just the guys she chose and one would come along that would sweep her off her feet, pushing her own bias back. She wanted to say, ' maybe you like women' but she just wanted this girl to be happy, with out pressure, to just be herself.

Over the summer, something happened between the two of them that she hasn't been able to let go of. They shared a tent during the whole trip across Colorado and grew quite close. Raven blamed it on the cold but she knew Octavia enjoyed being snuggled up to her; she would be the one to instigate it every night. On a particularly chilly night, they shared a kiss. An innocent, slow and gentle kiss. The kind of kiss where you just get caught up in the moment because the day lined up just perfectly. That day everyone sat by the lake, beers a plenty, fishing, canoeing, and a sunset to calm them into a snug night. They had mentioned it a few times as the trip went on and agreed to keep it super casual and that their friendship was really important to them. Raven wanted nothing more than to just talk about it and do it again.

But Last night was where it all changed. Octavia's coming back to school party was pretty eventful. Clarke and Lexa stormed out, Octavia almost beat up some random girl, and then... that thing happened. She replays the night over in her head, wishing she could change the ending just a little bit.

* * *

 _Sweet Disposition (RAC remix) –The Temper Trap_

 _Last Night_ \- Raven and Octavia had stopped jumping on the trampoline to Lexa storming out of the back yard and Clarke coming out right after her.  
"You think Clarke saw what Lexa did and got pissed?" Octavia says looking up at Raven. She shrugged her shoulders standing behind Octavia as she watches the action. Octavia is kneeling on her knees in front of Raven with her drink still in her hand, un-spilt. She takes a swig while looking on.

Anya gets in Clarke's face and Octavia wants to assist immediately. She pushes off Ravens legs and starts to crawl off the trampoline. Raven swiftly grabs her. Octavia looks back at her, giving her a confounded stare.

"Let her fight her own battles, O" Octavia rolls her eyes but complies, relaxing herself back onto her knees and just watches.  
Clarke punches Anya in the side and she falls to the ground.  
"Ohh hoo.." Octavia muffles with her fist in front of her mouth. Raven smiles and says, "See, she got this." And they both giggle to themselves.

"It looked like Clarke did something wrong though cause Lexa looked super hurt," Raven says as she falls back onto the trampoline.

Octavia turns around and says, "Yeah, they are in love and too afraid to see it" she chugs the rest of her drink and throws it off to the side.

Raven is on her back, resting her weight on her elbows. She watches O chug her drink and then glare down at her with crazy eyes. Raven feels herself choke on her spit before Octavia tackles her into a wrestling match. They were always wrestling, trying to pin each other down like in the Lion King. When Octavia slams into Raven's body, she loses her breath and wraps her arms around the girl before flipping her over to gain control. Octavia was always riled up, maybe because she was pent up in her room a lot as a kid but Raven loved the fire in this girl. She is always trying to push her to release it in any way. They tussle for a bit before Octavia wins the round by straddling Raven's shoulders with her knees. Raven's head is in between her legs and she can't even.

"Okay! O, you win!" She says nervously with a tingle between her legs. She rolls Octavia off of her and jumps off the trampoline. She has been holding her feelings in for such a long time that every time they make their way to the surface she has to shove them down by doing something ridiculous.

She runs into the house yelling, "JELL-O SHOTTTSS!" Octavia laughs and jumps down after her. As she passes Anya and her crew, she waves at them to join. They follow and shove their way through the heat of the internal heartbeat of the Houston Hut.

Raven makes her way passed Monty and Jasper jumping up and down on the dance floor and grabs them into the kitchen too. "Guys, help me pass these out!" Raven grabs hand-fills of red, blue, green, yellow, and clear Jell-O shots and hands them to the boys to pass out to everyone. They get excited because of the attention they will get and the full access to as many as they want. Once their T-shirts are full, they run into the mosh throwing them in the air. Many hit unsuspecting dancers in the head, but people quickly caught on and jumped for more.

Octavia makes it to the kitchen with Anya, Miller, Echo, and Bryan. Raven counts the heads that are in their small group and grabs six Jell-O shots. "Okay, here are the rules. I will throw five of these shots in the air, last one to catch their Jell-O shot has to do a dare of my choice." Since Raven is the instigator she will be the referee. They all look at each other and before they could back out, Raven throws them high in the air. Pushing each other in sabotage, they fight for the Jell-O. Anya lifts herself on Echo's shoulder, pushing her down from her jump. Miller shoves Bryan into the counter and grabs the one he was going for. At this time Raven tickles Octavia causing her arms to jolt down as her shot hits the ground. Bryan catches one right before it hits the ground and then Echo catches hers. "HAHAHA" They all laugh and point at Octavia, not seeing that the game was rigged from the beginning. Octavia bends down slamming her ass into Raven and grabs her shot off the floor. Raven blushes and smiles an ornery grin. They all finger their Dixie cups and tilt their shots back.

Anya winces and chokes on hers. "What the fuck is in this Raven?!" Raven laughs grabbing her chest, "Did you get the clear one? We used Everclear in that one! Pretty much its straight vodka." Anya throws the cup at Raven's head and grabs a solo cup to fill with beer at the keg in the living room. Miller grabs another Jell-O shot from the fridge and asks, "So Raven, what is the dare Octavia has to do?" Octavia is taking her second shot when she hears the question and whines, remembering she has to do something probably awful. Raven looks at her with a smug face and thinks for a second.

"Hmm….Octavia has to take her vest off and do a keg stand in her bra!" A few people heard the word keg stand and started cheering, "WOOO!" Raven laughs at the face Octavia is making and slaps her ass in encouragement.

Echo chimes in, "haha, DAAMMN. You got to do it O!" They all stare at her with peer pressure. Octavia smiles and begins to unbutton her red leather vest that didn't hide much anyway. Raven steps in front of the keg and yells, "KEGG STAND!" Everyone buzzes with excitement, "YEAHHH!" they crowd around. Octavia stands her ground in the kitchen, pouting. Raven walks over to her with a smile and guides her over to the keg with her hands on her waist, taking in the warmth of her body. She swallows as she drags her thumbs up and down on the dimples of her back before realizing what she was doing. O looks back at her, and blushes to herself. "I will get you back for this" She mutters with deep eyes. Raven flinches a smile and all the sudden felt a charge down her spine.  
"READY!" Octavia yells out banging her chest then gripping the edges of the keg. "Miller, count out loud!" Raven demands before lifting Octavia's legs high up in the air. She walks her hands up her thighs as she pushes O higher and higher. Her hands stop on her upper thighs near her pelvis, keeping her straight up.

"ONE…TWO…THREE…FOUR…" The whole house is counting out loud as Octavia holds the tap to her mouth, chugging. She is a beast and will not give up until she cannot feel her face. "THIRTEEN…FOURTEEN…FIFTEEN…" Raven is shaking her head at the pure awesome this girl is. "DAMN GIRL! You're going to drink it all, leave some for the rest of us!" She says while squeezing Octavia's thighs inching closer to her crotch. Octavia laughs and squirts beer out of her nose and all over Raven's stomach. "FUCK" O screams as beer stings her nose and splashes in her eyes. Raven slowly lowers her legs and wipes at her stomach.

"You are ALWAYS sabotaging me RAY!" Octavia exclaims, grabbing ravens shirt to dab her face.

Since her shirt already has beer all over it, she takes the liberty. Shifting to the dry side, Raven gawks at her while she wipes clean.

"You're too easy, O" she chuckles.

Octavia looks up at her with her shirt lifted in her hand and pinches her stomach with her other hand. This causes Raven to moan and jump backwards, surprised at the sound she made.

Others start pushing their way in to do a keg stand, ruining the moment. "Beat seventeen and you will get the party trophy!" Octavia yells, pointing to a beat up trophy that sits on the mantle. Octavia landed on seventeen only because Raven tickled her into choking.

They found this trophy on the side of the road two years ago and Raven modified it into the beauty it is today. Anyone who challenges the house to any game has a chance to win it. If you beat one of the house players, the house has one chance for redemption. If you prevail, then the house has to take shots and you win for the night. It was an old pole-vaulting trophy. Raven welded it a new base and etched a label saying, 'Houston Hut Tri-Wizard Champions.' If you took the trophy home three times, you get your named etched into the front of it. Although, it was only yours until the next Houston Hut party, where it would be placed back on the mantle. Octavia proposed the challenge so everyone was lining up to take the trophy, the one who beats her keg stand by the most will get their name written on the chalkboard that kept track of their wins. The names on the trophy so far were, Octavia, Raven, Clarke, Bellamy, Jasper, and Echo. The rest have yet to beat the reigning house champions three times consecutively. Once the house beat their first three challenges, they got their name on the trophy. Only to defend their honor by limiting other's from adding their name below. This was one of the epic traditions of the Houston Hut; some people come just for their chance at it. Kind of lame, but everyone loves it.

 _Hayley Kiyoko- Girls Like Girls_

While everyone is doing keg stands, Raven walks outside to get fresh air and dry her shirt. She takes a deep breath and tells herself to hold it together.  
 _  
She is your best friend; you don't want to lose that.  
_  
A few people are still playing beer pong as she walks down to the couches, a fire is burning in the fire pit. She takes off her shirt and grabs a stick to hang it on. She wedges the stick into the couch so it hangs like a flag next to the flames. Raven was always jerry-rigging things like that, living life the most efficient way she knew how. Moments later, Octavia comes walking out looking for her with two beers in hand. She sees Raven lying on the couch with her shirt hanging next to the fire; this makes her smile. Walking up, she pauses before disturbing her because she has her eyes closed. Her eyes skim the girl's body and she subconsciously bites her lip at the muscles that hug Raven's stomach. Raven opens her eyes and sees O standing above her; she flinches but quickly grabs her wrist and playfully pulls her into the couch. She lands on Raven's legs and laughs. Octavia stays there with her head in Raven's lap and offers a beer up over her head.

"Thanks, mama" Raven says, satisfied she came out looking for her company.

There were plenty of boys after her tonight, especially with her vest off. But she chose to come out here with two beers. Raven notices that they are both half naked, lying on each other and she starts to feel busy butterflies in her stomach. They are a group of friends that do this kind of thing all the time, they all cuddle, they all slap each other's asses, and they all flirt with each other. But Raven lands on the notion that they don't all kiss each other, at least not in a friendly way _._ She shakes her thoughts away right before they open their Shiners to Octavia's toast.

"Cheers to being the best person I have ever known, I love you"

Raven smiles at the sincere gesture, her heart cracking a little because she knew that it was a friendly I love you. She clinked her glass to Octavia's and took four huge swigs, wishing it were the other one and said, "I love you too."

A lot of people are passing out around them as the party dies down. Octavia gets up and stretches, "Yup, I think it's about time to head to bed." Raven nods but stays put, watching Octavia's body stretch in the glow of the fire. Octavia turns her gaze to Raven, looking her up and down. The light of the fire hits all the right places of her body.

"Are you coming?"

Raven looks up at her and doesn't say anything.

Octavia stands there, waiting but then quickly grabs Raven's shirt and pulls it over her head. "If you want this back, you are going to have to come and get it." Raven smiles and slowly gets up, puts the low fire out with her beer and follows Octavia into the house.

At this point, Raven is drunk and wrapped up in her serious thoughts. She isn't always playful and upbeat like every one wants her to be. Especially when she's drunk because it's the time she lets her heart pluck its strings as she listens.

Jasper and Monty are sitting on the couch, exhausted from dancing and chasing girls. Well one of them was, while the other followed. Monty's head rests on Jaspers shoulder, both of their eyes closed. Octavia shakes Jasper awake, "Where is the trophy?" He opens his eyes and says, "Some guy named Alonzo won the keg stand, gave it to him until next time."  
"Oh, what happened? You couldn't defend our house cup?!" Jasper scoffs and said, "No one would hold up my forsaken lanky body up right!" Octavia laughs and punches him on the shoulder.

" I am sorry Maya never came…" He shrugged his shoulders and retorted,  
"Ugh, its hot in here O! Turn on the A/C..."

"If you want to pay my next bill, be my guest! Otherwise go sleep outside, it's nice out there!" Jasper nods his head and likes that idea. He grabs Monty and drags him out to the trampoline. Everyone else had left and a few people occupied the couches outside.

"Finally, my house back…" Octavia smiles, grabbing Raven's hand and leads her to her bedroom.

"Jasper was right, this house is really hot from all the people that were crowded in here." She states while taking off her tight pants and jumping into her bed. Raven does the same. Kicking out of her jeans, she heads to the bathroom. She starts to breathe heavily and her nerves sizzle in her throat. After she flushes, she washes her hands slowly in cold water. Splashing water on her face a few times, she looks in the mirror. Her hair is down and flowing around her muscular shoulders. Her sports bra is black and has the label Calvin Klein wrapping around the elastic band. Staring into her own eyes, she tries to collect herself.

You've cuddled many times before, just be cool…

Raven gives herself a fake smile and walks back to the bedroom. Octavia has the sheet in her hand and invites Raven to jump in under. She shuffles her feet slowly as she peers at the girl in her shirt. The shirt is scrunched up her hip, revealing a black lace garment.  
 _Damnit, I am fucked…_  
Raven gets in slowly and swallows hard.

"Are you okay?" Octavia asks, she noticed her demeanor has changed since she walked outside.

She hadn't realized that she was being obvious and recovers, "Yeah! Just hammered." Raven rolls over with her back facing Octavia, trying to hide her beating heart.

Octavia scoots up behind her and starts rubbing her arm, knowing Raven gets into her head when she drinks. She thinks she can calm her down but her touch, her smell; her in general is what is making Raven so worked up. Octavia is lubricated from the night and thinks of nothing she wants more than to pin this girl to the bed.  
 _  
Omg, what….is happening. Be cool…_ Raven tenses up and grips at her pillow. _  
_  
Octavia pushes her body flush to Raven's and wraps her arm around her to cuddle her close. Something was luring her in, her smell, her reluctance, or maybe it was the power she had noticed she had over this girl.

They always cuddled each other: Clarke, Raven and Octavia. So in a way it calms her down but the platonic sense of the atmosphere is gone. O feels fuzzy inside and wants to be close, closer than normal. Inching her head onto Raven's pillow, the tip of her nose grazes the back of her neck. She focuses on her movement to the shrinking space between them, measuring resistance or acceptance.

Octavia is one who follows every whim her body tells her to, acting now and saying sorry later kind of thing. When she wanted something she usually made all efforts to obtain it. Octavia props up on her left elbow and rests her head on her hand, breathing on Raven's neck. Noticing the muscles in her neck tense up, she grins. Octavia feels charged and eager to act on what she is feeling.

Every breath Octavia exhales on her neck sends waves of heat into Raven's pelvis. She intuitively wiggles her bottom a little further into Octavia. The wild girl takes this as consent and slowly presses her lips to the back of Raven's neck, letting the inner wetness of them drag downward. Breathing heavily against the skin, she feels the hairs rise against her lips. She pauses and waits for any sign of rebellion before rocking into her from behind, stopping once her clit touched Raven's ass. At this time Raven brings her hands up to Octavia's arm that's around her and squeezes tight. The levels inside her rise with the forward actions against her.

Raven closes her eyes and imagines Octavia's lips as she absorbs the feeling of them on her skin. Her body heat is pulsing against the embrace, having been with out sex for months.

 _PANTyRAiD- Like That_

Satisfied with the reassurance, Octavia kisses her neck harder and longer. She makes sure to flex her arm into Raven's stomach, pulling her in tighter.  
Raven lets out a delicate grumble, which causes O to clench her legs. Raven tastes the way the earth smells after it rains. She inhales her in with each kiss she delivers. Wanting more, Octavia starts to slow grind into her. She yearns for the friction. Her hand trails up Raven's bare stomach, caressing her center. She trails her fingers over her tense muscles. After lingering around her abdominal muscles, feeling each individual one, she moves her hands up onto her chest. She cups one breast hard as she matches with her thrust, pulling Raven into it with the embrace. She releases to focus on the other, circling her fingers on the surface. She feels the stiff erection of her nipples and gives them attention. As O's fingers pinch and pull, Raven shoves her face further into the pillow, biting it for relief. She is lost in the waves of her body and can't think much further than her next breath.

"Mmm.." Raven whines so softly that Octavia almost didn't hear it. This sends a surge between her legs right into her lace. Moaning back into her ear, she lifts her hand off her breast and slaps it down on her hip, pulling her in harder and harder. Octavia wants to take this to the next level, and something about the way Raven subdues makes her want to take full advantage. She slides her clit up and down on Raven's ass, making sure to drag it up her supple curve and back down.

"Uhh…" Octavia sighs out each time it pulls at her just the right way, using that ass to get at what she needs. This feeds the flame inside of her, latching her lips on the silent girl's shoulder.

Raven can feel her wet center rubbing onto her skin, leaving damp trails as she pulls away. Her breath hitches and shallows. _Fuck…_

With her hand still tightly grasping her hip, Octavia pushes her other hand under Raven's neck, through the pillow, and wraps it gently around her throat.  
She looks down at her own hand holding Raven and whispers, "Is this okay?"

Raven is stunned. The flare of her core was undeniable. She flinched at the feeling of giving up control. The thought of being as vulnerable as she is now had never been something she sought for. But she trusted Octavia and had an unwavering urge to test her own limit, not wanting her to ever stop; she hums  
"Mmhmm" curling her lips in between her teeth as she prepares herself.

Octavia bites her neck to gauge her reaction to pain and she responds under her power by bucking her ass, fitting it deeper into Octavia's pelvis. She then pulls hard, clapping Raven's ass against her body, slowing into each grind, tightening her grip on her neck. She breathes heavy in her ear, watching her take it.

Raven's mind is spinning and she feels light headed with pleasure. She feels powerless and completely debilitated from the way this girl is handling her, loving it. Raven has never been in a submissive position and never knew it could be like this. Octavia is completely over powering her and it drives her wild. Her surges are coming in waves at each thrust she receives from behind. She tries so hard to keep silent, but lets out a whimper when Octavia licks her ear into her mouth and bites down.

With her hand firmly around Raven's neck, she slides her other hand downward and shoves it in between her legs. Raven moans loudly and reaches back in reaction, firmly gripping Octavia's ass.

"Oh fuck…" Octavia gasps softly, curling her fingers in deep.

Raven's fingers digging into her ass, ignites something within Octavia. She pulls out, and lifts Raven's leg to rest over her hip. Raven opens herself up more as her thigh sits high. This gives Octavia a better reach over; sliding her hand back in, she uses her finger to put pressure on her clit. She drags two fingers down into her core and lifts them back up and pinches it between her fingers. Watching Raven writhe each time she plays at her clit, she grinds into her, using her throat as leverage.

Octavia has Raven in her hands, in full dominance. She has never felt the urge to have this power until now. Raven gives it to her freely in this moment. She releases her grip around Ravens throat to rub her fingers across those lips while pressing hard on her clit with her other hand, watching. Hungry to hear her, she pronounces "Cum for me…"

The submissive Raven drops her mouth open, giving Octavia access to stick her fingers inside. She promptly wraps her lips around them and O drags them in and out, mimicking what she is about to do down below. The rise in Raven starts to push against the bottom of her stomach. There is a charge radiating under the layers of skin that pulse for the girl behind her. As soon as she hears whining coming from within her mouth, Octavia switches her frontal approach, and brings her hand from over to under, to come from behind. Octavia lifts her leg to rest on her forearm, yanks her underwear to the side and with out hesitation shoves two fingers deep inside her. Once…Twice…swiftly, she slips her fingers out of Raven's mouth and wraps them around her throat again…Three…

"OHHH...FUUCKKK" Raven starts to cum aggressively as Octavia thrusts her fingers deeper again and again...  
Raven slaps her ass and drags her fingernails up Octavia's back. Hissing at the pain, she returns it by biting on Raven's shoulder and tightening her grip on her throat.

"HMMPHH…" This shocks her into a deeper orgasm, convulsing, she releases it all into O's hand. Raven leans forward and grunts loudly, gripping at the pillow.  
 _  
Oh my god… this girl just…_ Octavia sharply inhales, waiting for the tension to placate. Slowly she pulls her hand from inside Raven, sticks them into herself, and falls onto her back.  
"Mmm…" Her cum mixed in with hers, makes it easy to slip three fingers inside of herself.

Raven pulls her legs together and turns all the way back on her side. Putting reasonable distance between them.  
That has never happened before. This was different and new. Raven was speechless as she lay there with her back still toward Octavia; her heartbeat raging inside.

Octavia is looking up at the ceiling thinking about what just happened. Her mouth is open and breathing heavily. Raven can hear her.  
 _Wow…_ She feels her herself pulsing. Still riding the high of handling a girl, she touches herself. Dazed and turned the fuck on, her other hand joins in. As one fucks, she works the other hand on her clit.

Raven can hear the noises coming from her working at herself. She closes her eyes and imagines it, wanting nothing more than to turn over. But she doesn't, not sure she can function properly. Sounds like she is doing a better job than she could do at the moment anyway.

Already on the edge from hearing and feeling the girl next to her cum, she climaxes in minutes. Moaning loudly completely unabashed. Octavia is confident around Raven, because she always made her feel exceptional. But this was something entirely new. She knew Raven was listening and she wanted her to hear all of it.

 _What just happened…_ Raven tingles all over, numb down to her toes. She thinks about how she was handled and how it made her react. She got so much pleasure from it and then hearing Octavia touch herself right after…  
 _oh my god, I am inferior… She is… I feel helpless…_

Turning her head to look at Raven, she takes her hands out from her underwear stares into her back. She starts questioning whether she went too far, only asking for permission once. Octavia has never done anything with a girl before, let alone dominate one.

 _Maybe I did it wrong…  
_  
Octavia starts to question herself and whispers, "Did I hurt you…?"  
Raven flinches at the sound of her voice and almost too small to hear, responds "no…"

Octavia sighs and wonders why she won't turn and look at her. She respects her space and stares into Raven's back thinking about how much she liked it. How much she liked doing that to a girl… to this girl.  
Raven has a few tattoos that are scattered. One on her side of a wrench, a few on her shoulder blade in the shape of gears, and an outline of an old fashioned clock that you can see the inner workings of right below that. It was so her to have these mechanical elements on her body.  
 _  
No wonder guys like girls so much._ It was exhilarating. Octavia thinks about apologizing but is not sorry she did it. She doesn't say anything or touch her, despite the urge to do so.

Raven wants to turn over so badly but something is keeping her stuck there. It was her doubts, her nerves, her embarrassment, or all of the above. She just lies there wide-eyed, in shock. She puts her fingers in her mouth and then feels around her neck, touching where Octavia's had been. She can't sleep, not now. Not after being fucked so good by the girl she had wanted for years.

Raven waited until Octavia's breathing leveled out before going to the bathroom. Her underwear was completely drenched, making her wonder if there is a wet spot on the bed where she was laying. She cleans herself up and washes her underwear in the sink. After using some soap and rinsing them, she hangs them on the towel rack and slides back into the bed. Feeling a damp spot with her leg as she adjusted, Raven closed her eyes and bit her lip _. I am so fucked._

Not sleeping very well, she gets up early and notices Octavia is gone. She puts on her underwear to walk out of the room to look for her. Walking down the hall she finds Clarke and Octavia curled up in her bed. She yawns as she admires them. The view makes her heart warm as she looks at them in the peace of sleep.

She makes her way to the end of the hall before realizing how messed up the house was. _Damn, they are not going to want to wake up to this.  
_ Raven wants to clean up a bit so she heads back to Octavia's room to put on her clothes. They make Clarke coffee and cheer her up a bit. Raven has to get back home and change for her class, so she leaves before Octavia.-

* * *

Raven has finished sorting all her tools and supplies for her next class and was just sitting there, replaying the night in her head. Not realizing she had turned herself on, she feels damp in between her legs. _I'm hopeless…god…_

She wishes she would have taken action, turned over and took her hard, something! She has done it so many times before with other girls. But this one is different. This one makes her second-guess, fumble, and skip heartbeats. Annoyed at herself she shelves the boxes and starts to plan her speech for her class starting at 4 o'clock. Trying to do anything to distract her thoughts.

 **Ding**

Right before she gets into the rhythm of her work, she hears her phone go off in her bag. Twirling her pencil between her fingers, she just stares at it. She has a feeling it's her.

 **Ding**

She gets another text and puts her pencil down and walks over to check it.

 **2:50pm  
** _O: Can you come over tonight?  
O: I want to talk._

Raven winces and drops the phone on top of her bag putting her face into her hands. The butterflies are at it again. _Talk….ugh…_ She holds her breath and picks up the phone to reply.

 **2:52pm  
** _Raven: Depends on how this class goes._

Not sure if she wants to talk about it, she changes the subject.

 **2:53pm** **  
** _Raven: Didn't you say that Lexa was coming over to your house to talk to Clarke?  
O: Yeah, I won't get out of class until 6. I am sure they will be done talking it out by then.  
Raven: I hope they work it out, they are meant for each other. I bet you five bucks that they are having sex right now. Lol.  
O: I don't know, they seem like the go-slow type. I'll take that bet! _

Octavia is in her Physiological Basis of Behavior class. She hasn't been able to stop thinking about last night. Raven hasn't mentioned it and acted like nothing happened this morning. And now she is rolling over the subject of talking. Octavia puts her head down on her arms and thinks. _Maybe I just messed everything up… or I am just messed up. It just isn't enough anymore.  
_  
Raven sighs in relief that she accepted the subject change and dives back into her outline for this evening. She finished forty minutes before class is supposed to start and decided to replay last night in her head again. She leans back in her chair and closes her eyes. The sound of Octavia touching herself pleases her the most. Her small moans and the sound of wet friction causes Raven to bite her lip. She slowly opens her eyes and looks around before unbuttoning her pants. She scoots up close to the desk and sticks her hand inside. Already wet she begins to pull at her clit. Her other hand slams down on the desk as she quickens her fingers. "Octavia…" She whispers, inserting one finger in as another is curled up against her sensitive area. Imagining Octavia grind on her ass for friction she begins to thrust at herself. _Omg.._ Raven can't hold it in and moans into her fist, biting it and licking it. All the sudden she hears a knock in her doorway…

 **Knock Knock**  
"Professor Reyes...?"

 _FUCK.._ Raven's eyes shoot open with her hand still in her pants and still riding a post orgasm high. She scoots further into the desk and replies, "umm y..yes?" While slowly and inconspicuously, pulls her hand out and wipes it on her pants.

"Sorry to bother you but I tried signing up for your class and it was already full within the first day… Is there anyway I can sit in and hope that someone drops? Or maybe you have extra room...?"

Raven isn't sure if she heard her moan or even worse saw her. Her eyes were closed for a good minute and she could have been standing there for all she knew. It was stupid of her to touch herself and she was regretting it now.

"Um, I can only have 30 students maximum in my class due to my current experience and the budget of the shop. Do you have a letter of recommendation or pre-reqs?"

The girl shifted at her feet and adjusted her glasses. At this time Raven got a good look at her and she was thin and attractive. She had the lightest brown hair that stretched to her shoulders. She wore round tortoise shell glasses, a white button up tucked into an emerald green skirt. Straightening herself up, she waits for her to respond.

The girl turns around and bends down to grab a letter from her bag.  
"I have one letter from Professor Lincoln, he teaches psychology. He likes my use of creativity with the mechanics of the brain…"

Raven watches this girl bend over, subconsciously grabbing her pencil and putting the end into her mouth. Realizing what she was doing she promptly put the pencil down and continued to listen as the girl turned around.

"…I want to take this class to use my hands to depict mechanical behaviors in the physical form, which some patients exhibit certain behaviors triggered by specific events in their lives. Like they were wired that way. I tend to mix my interests, verging on the line of artistic expression. But if I can add this model to my thesis, I think I have a great chance at impressing the right people." She finishes by pushing her glasses up on her petite nose and squinting.

Raven is impressed and bites her lip as the girl squirms in front of her. This is the type of girl she is used to. Shy, waiting to be saved. She leans back and thinks about her options. Trying to separate her mind from the sexual track it was on from earlier now dominating this moment. She clears her throat after a minute of observing.

"Let me see the letter, miss…?"

"Oh, Call me Niylah." She walks closer to the desk and hands it over.

She takes the letter and starts to read it. Raven's desk is large and had been in this shop for decades. It used to be a worktable but she converted into her desk/work station. The girl leans in to the desk and starts to look all the trinkets Raven had built that scatter the surface. She slightly sits on the edge as she attempts to touch some of them. Raven stops reading and peers over the letter to observe her. She puts her hair up in a messy bun, still staring at the items in front of her. Her neck is slender and long, stretching from her blouse that has three buttons undone, just enough to keep the eye wondering but not enough to reveal anything she didn't want to show. Maybe this girl knew what she was doing. Raven wonders if this girl did her homework. It is not a secret that she is gay, and this girl is mastering in psychology. She quickly skims the rest of the letter and sets it down slowly, observing her subtle movements. Raven is a very smart woman herself, she never took an IQ test but could always keep up with other professor's topics during meetings and gatherings, sometimes even stumping them with her rebutted theories. Some would call her a genius but Raven doesn't believe that being smart and being intelligent are one in the same. She is who she is and nothing less.

"All right, Niylah… you are welcome to sit in my class today. I will work on getting you a permanent seat but it is contingent only on your effort and ability to keep up. I hold no promises but I expect great things from you and so does professor Lincoln, according to this letter."  
Raven taught a graduate class for honor students who have a focus in Mechanical Engineering. However, her class differs in the way she teaches along with the integrated elements of art and design. So this class was not only for Engineering students but also for artists. One's that like to bend metal, build, take things apart, reassemble, and push the boundary of the familiar. This girl was a psychology major something completely un-related to her course. Raven's mind flickers to Octavia for a moment before the girl in front of her was bouncing with glee.

The girl sits up off the table in jubilation and thanks Raven three times before sitting down right in front. Raven notices where she chose to sit and found it peculiar that she didn't retreat to the back. The lack of respect she had for those students who actually signed up wasn't lost on Raven. She made a note of her behaviors, knowing a thing or two about psychology herself. She started to get up to go to the bathroom when she quickly notices her pants are still unbuttoned. She looks up at the girl and she isn't looking, so she buttons up real fast and jumps up to her private restroom in the back of the class to clean herself up.

The students responded exceptionally well to her project idea, especially after Raven showed the class one of her complete automaton machines. This one runs continuously by its own kinetic energy, with a turn of a key it runs until you turn it again. It looks like a metal Pinocchio, her most complicated creation yet. They started to brainstorm immediately, asking questions and engaging in debates amongst each other on what would work best. Raven was buzzing the whole time, proud of herself for charging the class with her work.

She is cleaning up the tools and little practice projects some of the students started working on when she realizes that Niylah is taking her time packing up and staring over at her. She lingers as Raven organizes.

"Can I help you miss Niylah?"

The girl smiles and pulls herself up to sit on the worktable and swings her legs as she speaks.

"I just wanted to tell you that you are a really fun teacher and are good at what you do. That automaton is really impressive, I have never seen one in person!"

Raven smirks at the girl's flattery but thinks its all a play to get into her class. Her intuition tells her to be cautious with this girl.  
"Thanks, but flattery will not expedite your enrollment into my course," she injects.

Raven had heard her phone go off a few times during class but ignored it. She was planning on going home after this to collect herself, to map her next move. But this girl was not leaving to let her.

"Oh, of course not professor. I never expect to be given anything. I earn it. I always do."

At that Raven couldn't help but smile and remark to herself. _I bet you do…_

"We will see…" Raven said instead, cleaning the grease from her hands with a towel.

During class, Raven noticed her gaze stuck on her. She never once lost her attention. Today Raven had gone home to change and was wearing dark grey slacks, a tight leather tool belt with her favorite tools, and an old white short-sleeve shirt that fit her snug. Her waist would show when she bent or reached for things but made it easier to access her tools in her belt. Raven liked feeling in control again. This girl gave her the power back. Feeling her gaze, she looked up to catch it and held it for a moment.

 **Knock Knock**

"Hey you…" Octavia walks in and stops her sentence when she realizes there was a student with her. She looked at the time and it was thirty minutes passed the end of her class. She had noticed they were staring at each other when she walked in, the energy thicker than normal. She grit her teeth and waited.

Niylah turned her head to the voice entering the room and noticed how she looked at Raven and then at her. Jumping off her desk she took her exit, "Thanks for everything, you are an inspiration. I'll see you soon _professor_." She put a weird emphasis on professor, the kind of inflection you would use while tipping a hat at a lady. As she made her way toward Octavia, she looked her up and down with a smirk.

Octavia was wearing small shorts and a loose sweater that allowed a bare shoulder to pop out. She was always stunning. Octavia had noticed something going on but it was so subtle she couldn't be sure. She was standing right in the path of the entrance and saw the girl approaching with a huge grin. Octavia's eyes were dark and brooding, not moving from her post. The girl paused in front of her and politely said, "Excuse me…" O lifted her eyebrows as if to say, ' _yeah? Fuck you...'_ and stood her ground, making the girl squeeze by her awkwardly.

Raven noticed and laughed at the encounter. She turns around and starts putting boxes back into the cubbies toward the back of the class. She hears Octavia call out,

"Already got a little groupie, HUH?"  
"No wonder you didn't text me back!"

Raven smiled and walked back to her desk to grab the last of the boxes with out looking up.  
"I was teaching my class, O. And I don't know what you are talking about…" she retorted with a straight face.

"Sure… I saw the way that girl looked at you. She was practically dripping at the knees when I walked in. It even looked like you were…"  
Octavia stopped herself, already feeling like she shouldn't be caring. But she does.

Raven looks up at the faint of jealousy and inhales as she takes her time walking in the back to put the last of the supplies away, feeling the nerves ball up in her throat again. This is really frustrating her. Starting to think about last night she reached up to put the last box of screws in its place when all the sudden she felt hands wrap around her bare hips.  
 **  
CRASH**

"Fuck!" Raven had dropped the box of screws all over the floor at the touch. She bends down quickly, trying to pick them all up.

Octavia puts down her bag and starts to help but her eyes are glued on to Raven. She is wondering what the hell is going on with this girl.

"I'm sorry" She smirks, "Did I screw you, I mean scare you…?"

Raven darts her eyes up and back down, "heh, yeah…" her heart punching at her chest. That was the perfect joke that would normally make Raven fall back and laugh, maybe even reach out a high five for the wit. But all she can do is hold her breath.

Octavia gets closer as the pile of screws on the ground begins to shrink. They reach for the same screw and bump hands. Raven awkwardly pulls her hand back, blushes and says, "Sorry…"

Octavia hovers over the screw and smiles at the way Raven is acting. It is so adorable she can barely hold in her laugh. She bites her lip and continues until the last screw lands in the box. Raven shoots up and walks to the back, placing the box in its cubby. O stands there, watching this girl squirm in her presence. She has never seen Raven act like this. She is always assertive, witty, and cocky. The fact that she can have this affect on her intrigues her beyond anything else. She follows Raven to her desk and watches as she fumbles through the papers on her desk.

 _Oh mygod..why am I being so weird…Snap out of it._ Raven is panicking a little at her uncouthness and shoves all her work into her backpack. Crumpling more than a few of them. She notices Octavia hovering so she takes her time. Attempting to think of what to say or do, she walks around the class one more time making sure everything is put away.

Octavia breaks the silence. "Hey… come with me to the store. I am going to buy all the food I can afford for dinner. That way we all don't have to cook or choose. We can just get everything. I am sure Lexa and Clarke will be starving by the time we get back, according to you." She waves a five-dollar bill in the air, trying to lighten the mood.  
Raven smiles at the idea and pushes the night to the back of her mind. "Okay! That actually sounds like a lot of fun."  
Satisfied with her change in demeanor, Octavia wraps her arms into Ravens and they strut off campus arm in arm, like old times.


	15. Chapter 15

**-CH. 15 Better to have Something than Nothing  
** _  
Odesza- Sun Models (Ft. Madelyn Grant)_

The next few days go by with out a hitch, friends all back together again, enjoying the new dynamic everyone seems to carry. Raven comes over after school, plays video games as Octavia watches. Raven tensing up and dying in the game every time O brushes her leg against her back- mostly on purpose. Clarke and Lexa are off giggling in the corner, which has become a habit. Lexa whispers in Clarke's ear- she lifts her shoulder to cover it as if she hears something she wasn't suppose to. Monty and Jasper sit on the couch, closer than normal as they heckle Raven that she sucks at Mega-man.

The vibe that radiates in the house when they are together creates an atmosphere they all crave- A home where they feel like themselves, comfortable to be anything and everything. Laughter and love are the only commodities that flow.

Presently, Clarke and Octavia are alone in their home and it's Friday half passed five.

"Oh my, do you hear that?" O asks.

"Hear what…?"

"The sound of just the two of us, together like we used to be." Octavia chuckles and leans in across the counter to Clarke's face.

The Houston Hut was usually housing some free loaders by the names of Raven, Jasper, Monty, even Lexa. Tonight it was just the two of them and they had forgotten how quiet it could be.

Clarke leans in and kisses O's nose. They were the best of friends, the originals, the one's who would usually say, 'You can't sit with us.'

Lexa was out with Anya, helping her pick out something to wear for her mystery date. Raven was at her parent's house in New Mexico for the weekend celebrating her new career.

"I think you're hot…" Clarke whispers.

"What…"

"Whatever it is you're cooking, I think it's burning…" Clarke chuckles in amusement. Octavia whips around and turns down the flames that were bellowing under the pan.

"Dammit! Oh my shit…" She lifts the pan and throws it into the sink.

"Would you hate me if I ordered delivery?" She squints and shrugs her shoulders in a complete fail to make dinner.

"I would love you, if you ordered delivery. Because frankly, I was not looking forward to eating what ever the hell that was… To be honest, I might have let it burn on purpose!"

Octavia smiles in complete agreement that she was no chef Ramsey. She picks up the phone and calls in Lasagna, salad, and breadsticks from Luigis. Clarke is sketching in her Moleskine, thinking about her next canvas. She had sparked a new found momentum in her work and would be applying to contests and shows soon.

"Clarke…" Octavia had ordered the take out and was standing in the kitchen with her apron crumpled in her fists resting on her hips. Her tone was soft and wavering. A seriously inflection to her name, Clarke cocks her head to full attention.

"Yeah O?"

"I have to tell you something."

Clarke understood that she was needed and stands up signaling to Octavia with the tilt of her head to follow.

"Come talk to me over here."

Octavia stands there for a minute, second-guessing herself for bringing it up. She swallows and grabs a bottle of wine from their wine rack and two glasses. Clarke scoots further into the couch watching her mood. She knew it was serious when Octavia grabbed the juice. Anytime Octavia is truly upset, she wanted wine. Something about it calmed her and made her feel more regal. This helped her put her feelings into words more eloquently, she thought anyway.

She sat down on the L of the couch next to Clarke and pours two heaping glasses of cabernet. Red wine was the only wine accepted into the Hut. Both Clarke and Octavia hated white wine with a passion. It was never delicious and always made them feel like they were drinking vinegar.

Clarke waits for Octavia to take a few gulps before speaking,

"You can talk to me about anything O. I am always here and will never judge."

Octavia nods her head and takes a deep breath, several moments pass before she speaks.

"I fucked Raven."

Clarke was lifting her glass up to her mouth when she heard the words; nearly tilting it all over her lap she pauses in mid-air. She is completely and utterly taken aback.  
 _She had done what…?_

Octavia looked scared to say it out loud and proceeds to grab her glass and chug its remnants, waiting for Clarke's reply.

Clarke sets her wine in front of Octavia and she gladly accepts it and chugs it too. The blonde was speechless. She didn't know whether to jump up and down with joy or put her hand on her knee and ask her how she feels. What a twist, even though she knew Raven had a major hard on for O. She never thought Octavia would be the one to blurt out that she had fucked her. I mean, what did that mean exactly. Had they had sex, or did Octavia literally fuck Raven and that's it?

"How was it?!" Clarke decides to express her excitement and scoot closer to display her seriousness and concern.

Glad that she didn't react negatively or obnoxiously, Octavia fell back into the couch and starts caressing her own stomach.

"It was… different." She looks into space, obviously imagining what had happened between them.

Clarke wants to know all of the details,

"Tell me _everything…"_ Clarke jumps up and swings her legs over O's lap. She was really happy to hear that something finally happened, half wanting to excuse herself to call Raven to fucking high five her through the phone.

"Well… actually… I am a bit confused and stuck at the moment."

"Why…?" Clarke asks, grabbing a strand of Octavia's hair and twirls it in her fingers.

"…She didn't look at me afterwards Clarke… and we still haven't talked about it, even though I have tried to bring it up. Every time I do she glides over it or acts all weird. I have never seen Raven so flustered or embarrassed before. It's intriguing…"

Clarke notices how Octavia's face lightens up when she is talking about her, the way her hands trail her arms as she gets nervous of her words touching Raven's name. She admires her and continues to listen.

"…I mean she is acting like it never happened and all I want to do is ask her if I messed up. I have waited for her to bring it up but it's been days. Things are fine but they aren't the same."

Clarke had been too wrapped up in Lexa that she hadn't noticed the change in the way they interacted. This made her feel very guilty and wished she had noticed sooner. She clears her throat and calmly speaks,

"I have known Raven a long time and she is a serious little flower under that entire macho magnum exterior. You know…she _has_ liked you for a long time O. And now that she feels it being reciprocated, I am sure that terrifies her. You have never feigned an interest in women and if she is to believe you are just having fun, which I am not saying you are, but if she feels that her heart could be compromised she is probably too afraid to let it out. She isn't one to share her doubts even if she had them."

This doesn't seem to comfort Octavia as much as it bothered her.

" She _has_ …? But I am afraid too… that I have ruined our friendship." Octavia squeezes these words out through a closed throat, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Oh, no, no... " Clarke inches closer and puts her arm around Octavia's shoulders.

"Listen, Raven wouldn't let it happen if she didn't think she could handle it. Even then, she wouldn't let it come between you two. She has confided in me over the years and has always said you were a lifer. She wants you in her life no matter what happens. Don't beat yourself up over something you aren't guilty of. Just…"

Clarke thinks of what to say, wanting nothing more to call Raven over here to fix this.

"…Try to relax…" Clarke leans out and pours her another glass of wine and turns the television on mute. She puts her hand on Octavia's leg and leans in.

"Do you have feelings for her?"

Octavia's eyes go wide and searched within herself for the answer. She knows what she felt that night was very real and the affects of her distance afterwards have been hard.

"I don't know Clarke… I have never felt this way before. I feel like every time I am around her, there is a fire in my belly. I tend to gravitate to her with out thinking about it. Like when we kissed on the mountain, I felt something in me jump but I thought it was just beer gas."

Clarke laughs out loud and re-fills her own glass. "How was that kiss? You never told me anything other than you 'messed around a little'."

"Yeah… it was innocent though. Just a kiss."

"And the other night wasn't?"

"Oh my _god_ … it definitely was _not_. It was so…" Octavia falls back into the couch and shuts her eyes.

Clarke waiting in anticipation takes a sip of wine. Thinking in her memories for any sign of their connection at the mountain.

"… _Hot_ … I mean I think I took advantage of her… I wasn't myself. Or maybe I was… I dunno."

"I am sure she took advantage of you too O" She laughs into her glass, taking another sip.

Octavia's face turned even redder as she thought about it. Raven hadn't taken advantage of her, not even a little bit. Octavia instigated every move, initiated every thrust.

Clarke stared at her and noticed the guilty reaction unfold on her face.

"Or not…did she react to you at all?" For a faint moment Clarke perhaps thought she had really taken advantage of her.

" _Ohh_ , yeah she reacted all right… She seemed really into it. But afterwards she completely shut down. Like…turned over and said nothing _right_ after."

Clarke sighed and let out a little laugh, "As long as she was conscious… haha"

Octavia tensed up and realized what Clarke had thought,

"OMG, you thought I had… _Ew_ Clarke, I am not a creep! I asked her if it was okay and she said yes."

Clarke tilted her head at the knowledge of their formality.

"You _asked_ her for permission? Oh that must have made her squirm. She is so alpha when it comes to girls, it isn't even funny. I have heard some stories of…"

Clarke trailed off when she noticed Octavia scrunch her face at the thought of her with others and quickly changes the direction.

"Can I ask if you enjoyed it?"

Octavia bit her lip and recalled how much she enjoyed it. So much in fact that she touched herself afterwards for Raven to hear.

"I really enjoyed it… Like, I think I want to do it again."

Clarke smiles from ear to ear, taking it all in.

"You _like_ her!"

Octavia let out a smile from the corner of her mouth and realizes it herself, as her best friend looked at her with knowing eyes.

"I have feelings for her... I know that now but what if she wants to be more? I don't want to hurt her Clarke…" The worry and the pain return to her face and Clarke understands the difficult position this puts them in.

Clarke rubs the back of her neck and reaches for her glass of wine.

"Lets take it a day at a time. Your first step is to sit her down and talk about it though. You can't let this run in the background, pretending everything is okay. It will linger there until it comes out in a way you will least expect. I know this because that is what happened to Lexa and I. It was like a push and pull, cry your eyes out, question everything kind of mess. I know it is not easy to talk about feelings, but I think if you sat Raven down and looked her in the eye she would talk to you."

Octavia nodded in agreement and inhaled deeply at the thought of the daunting task ahead.

 **Ding Dong**

"AHH…" Clarke jumped at the sound of the doorbell causing Octavia to scream at the intrusion.

"Lasagna is here!" Clarke hopped off the couch and jolted to the door. She flung the door open in sheer excitement.

Octavia sat there staring into her hands as Clarke made banter with the delivery guy, who was obviously flirting. She tipped him and closed the door and strutted to the kitchen to plate their dinner.

O was mad at herself. In the heat of the moment she wanted it so bad and now… Now she could only think of the repercussions of her actions.  
 _What if she didn't like it? What if she wants nothing to do with me now? What if she does and wants me to be her girlfriend? Do I want that?_

Octavia's mind was spinning as she slumps further into the couch, hoping it would consume her entirely.

"Hey…" Clarke had returned with dinner in both hands and spotted Octavia pouting in silence.

"Don't do that… It's going to be okay. Trust me Octavia, once you talk to Raven it will all be okay and you will feel better. I think not being able to talk to her and feel as close as you have always been is scaring you more than it should."

"What if… what if I want more and she doesn't?"

Clarke looks at her with sad eyes, not wanting to speak for Raven. She doesn't quite know what to say, it is always a leap of faith when it comes to the heart.

"If it comes to that… I will be here for you O. I love you." Clarke leans over and hugs Octavia with a tight embrace. It is always hard to be vulnerable and Clarke knew how that felt. She still feels it with Lexa. Despite giving this advice, her and Lexa still haven't really talked about it. They delivered reprieve through action but doubt still lingers, as their actions were never solidified in words. Words are a pain in the ass.

O sits up to the dinner that is presented in front of her and nods her head as she takes a sip of wine.

-

 _Grizzly Bear- Cheerleader_

Raven is at her parent's house and sinks back into her childhood demeanor. Feeling helpless like she always had, compounding on how she already feels.

Her parents were very humanitarian and seemed to care more for other children than their own childr- _child_. She admired her parents but at the same time resented them for making her feel forlorn her whole life.

Even now, when the weekend is a celebration of her success they are on a conference call in their office. They are coordinating their next charity event to take place in Dallas.

It was this feeling of hopelessness that she felt after being handled by Octavia. It wasn't in the same sense of helplessness but the idea that she could have her, after wanting it for so long, scared her half to death.

Because if she could taste how it felt to be with Octavia only to have it ripped away would hurt beyond belief. Because she felt her deep in her bones, like the marrow. Raven doesn't deal well with pain.

She had grown up with a brace around her left leg from a young age and couldn't walk with out it until she was eighteen. A terrible accident had riddled her leg useless but she was determined to not let it hinder her. She committed herself to muscle therapy and yoga. It didn't seem to work for over a year but soon, her pain was evaporating. Her body was getting stronger and healthier as it healed itself. She cut most junk food out, sodas, and everything that wouldn't contribute to her health. She still remembers the pain and dreads it coming back every day.

Raven is rigorous and healthy now because of it, despite the occasional alcohol binder. She had seen the results of taking care of her body and will never go back to the way she was if she could help it.

She missed Octavia, the past few days have been hard. They haven't exactly returned back to normal but it was normal enough. Raven knew that she had stronger feelings than Octavia did. That if she were to let herself feel them fully, she wouldn't be able to shove them so easily back into its Pandora's box.

Thinking about texting Octavia, Raven grabs her phone out of her pocket and scrolls through her photo library. She finds the photos they took over the summer. Focusing on the ones of Octavia exploring the creek they found hidden between walls of rock. She laughs and then sighs into herself. She builds five seconds of courage and texts her.  
 **  
7:04pm- O  
** _Raven: I need to see you.  
_  
It was seven o'clock and her parents were still in the other room, apparently coordinating the _whole_ event. She hadn't seen them emerge besides the occasional, 'Sorry honey' while getting more coffee.

Raven realizes that they were going to miss their reservation and she would end up in her old room playing with her old tinker toys and Lincoln logs per usual.

She realizes again that is why she rarely visits, deciding to abandon all hope she gathers her things, gets in her car still wearing the new suit she bought, and peels out of the driveway. She likes suits; this one was deep blue with faint pin stripes running up it. She had paired it with a black shirt and a black skinny tie, and had tan oxfords and belt to accompany the ensemble.

Furious, she starts to speed, "Fucking typical! I thought…Ughh!" Raven let out a growl and hopped on I-25 for the straight shot home. It would take her six hours to get there but she decided to try and make it in five.

Lexa and Anya were done shopping and Anya was wearing her new outfit. It was more adult than she would usually wear and Lexa had been trying to guess who this person is.

 _"If you would just tell me who it is, I can better assist you in your purchase Anya."  
_ Anya refused to let her in, not even a hint.

"You look good sis," Lexa says as Anya ganders at herself in the full-length mirror. She had purchased a black blazer to cover a red silk button up and black slacks that were ankle high. This allowed her to femme the look up with some high heels. She was elegant and it just didn't seem like Anya at all. Lexa watched her turn and double-check every hem.

"I have never seen you act like this before, let alone dress this way. She must be some woman An."

Anya sighs and looks at Lexa with these eyes that burst, saying ' _I wish I could tell you everything but can't.'  
_  
"She _is_ some woman Lex, and it came out of no where. She elevates me."

"One day, I hope you can tell me. I don't like not knowing if you are safe or not with this person. I would like to meet them, at least know _who_ they are before they kidnap you and leave you in a ditch."

Anya chuckles and starts walking toward the door. "It's okay, Lex. I trust her… It is time! First official public outing!"

They both walk out together because they were at Anya's place and before they went their separate ways Anya expresses, " Hey Lex… thank you for today. I owe you one. What are you going to do tonight?"

"I am not sure, you exhausted me so I just want to sleep."

"If you need anything, don't hesitate just because I am on a date, a very important first date. So call if you absolutely need anything. Okay?" Anya hugs her and Lexa knows she really means, 'you better not fucking need anything on my first important public date night.'

Lexa chuckles to herself at Anya's excitement and secrecy. Having been away from Clarke all day she decides to surprise her and drive to her house to sleep.

-

"Clark! She just texted me!" Octavia called out to Clarke who had stepped out of the living room to go to the bathroom.

She comes running out of the hallway and jumps over the coffee table like a very uncoordinated lemur. "What did she say… _ouch_ …"  
 **Bang**

She used too much kick and not enough jump, clipping her foot on the table causing her chest to slam off the bounciest part of the cushion, sending her to the floor in failure.

"HAHA gosh Clarke, easy! Okay she said, ' _I need to see you'._ What the heck does that mean Clarke?! She _needs_ to see me. Like something is wrong?"

Clarke sees the nerves shooting out of her eyeballs like lasers as she untangles her legs from the floor and table. She lifts herself up on the couch like she was drowning at sea and laughs so hard at Octavia freaking out.

"THIS right here, Clutz! Is not funny! What do I say?!"

They both had been drinking way too fast before the food came and they were on a vibe that was light and heavy at the same time. They knew each other through and through which made it that much more comfortable to ride out the hard times together in humor. That is why they have been friends for so long, they get each other.

"Okay…whew let me catch my breath… Okay… say, ' _Is everything all right?'_ BOOM, that opens it up. But if she is driving back then I doubt she will reply and if she replies then she is texting and driving. So… on second thought just don't reply."

"Wow, you are a _big_ help"

Clarke falls back onto the couch and looks up at the ceiling, "well you know how I get about being distracted while you're driving. I have no tolerance for it."

"Yeah…you're right. So I should call her right? I should call her... I'm calling her." Octavia gets up and runs to her room so she can calm down and talk without being self-conscious.

Clarke is upside down on the couch now with her legs in the air, her boxer shorts are riding up all the way and she lets them. She is wearing a spaghetti strap camisole with no bra on and begins to play with her breasts that are just so floppy to her right now.

"Octavia!"  
 _Man, I have big boobs. I never noticed how they just keep growing!  
_ "O! My boobs are growing!"

Clarke is definitely drunk and is in a really good mood. Her best friends had sex and Lexa has been consistently around since that day in the studio. You can call the couch she is on cloud 9 because she is riding it hard.

She dances her feet in the air as she inspects herself, trying to see what Lexa sees when she has her under her. She looks from her boobs to her stomach, and under her boxer shorts.  
"Boop… _Hello there_ …" She whispers as she peers between her legs. Freshly shaven, she approves and lets her head fall backward, now dangling off the couch.

\- 

_The Blood Brothers- Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck_

 **Buzzz Buzzz**

 **Buzz Buzzz**

Raven has calmed down and is cruising to her I-tunes when she sees her phone light up. Realizing someone was calling her and not texting her, she picks up the phone with out looking at the name.

"Hello?"

"Hi…"

She recognizes the voice immediately and went all Ariel, losing her voice.

"Raven, you there?"

She clears her throat and takes a deep breath and tries again.

"…Hi hey, yeah I am here. What are you doing?"

Octavia is pacing in her room, not sure what to say just wanting to make sure Raven is okay.

"I got your text and was wondering if you are okay? I didn't want to encourage you to text and drive, so I figured calling would be better, sort of..."

"That is sweet of you. Um… I just would like to see you tonight if that's all right."

"Did you want to talk?"

"Maybe. I just need someone right now. Is that okay?"

"Whatever you need Ray. How far are you?"

"I am about four hours away, do you think you will still be awake?"

"I will make sure I am, call me when you get here. Please drive safe."

"Thanks O, I'll see you soon."

Raven throws her phone across the passenger side and increases her speed.

The odometer rises passed 80…

90…

100….

The steering wheel is vibrating as she grips it with all her frustration- gritting her teeth.  
Raven feels the rush of adrenaline pump through her veins as the car needle wiggles at 120. She barely has to move the wheel to fly by the cars that adhere to the speed limit of 70.

She starts to smile, feeling so close to the control she seeks- her leg gives her a sting that radiates to her left foot, encouraging her right foot to let up on the pedal.

Raven hisses in surprise and lets go- reducing her speed back down to 80.  
 _What the hell…_

 _-_

Octavia hangs up the phone and fell on her bed wondering what could be wrong. She didn't seem like she wanted to talk on the phone and was quite curt with her.  
 _What am I going to do for four hours…_ \- her mind draws at the possibility of tonight.

More focused on it going right and they end up entwined, skin pressing against skin, with the heat of reciprocation. _  
_  
She sprung off the bed and looked in the mirror.

"oh _girl_.. get it together!" She told herself as she ran for the shower – hoping to be enticing enough to not be resisted again. Octavia had a pang of excitement in her abdomen. Something she has felt once or twice but could barely grasp it, unlike now. She clenches around it and flings herself to the reprieve of her shower.

"CLARK? I am going to take a shower, you okay out there?! GROAN ONCE IF YOU ARE ALIVE!"

Clarke allows her arms to fall by her head as she lay there with her eyes closed, half dangling off the couch. She heard O and let out a moan – her thoughts on nothing in particular.

"MYAHHHH…"

The blood was rushing to her head but she didn't care. She was in drunken clarity, feeling everything she could, replaying everything she could. Clarke was giving into the rise of alcohol in her blood – suddenly she felt a draft hit against her cheeks. Whatever it was, it was cool and forthcoming. Something skims by her flyaway hairs – it tickles. She reaches her hands out without opening her eyes.

"Who dat? I will get you!" She hits something stiff but warm and grabs hold with both hands, feeling the smooth texture up and down.

"Got you, you little gnome!" She opens her eyes and falls to the floor in surprise.

"LEXA, you're a gnome! Hahaha" She is scrunched up on the floor at Lexa's feet laughing hysterically at her own damn self.

"Clarke." Lexa says with stern amusement and adoration at the girl's ability to be so carefree by herself. Her chest smiles and warms at the sight of Clarke in this state.

"Irm Sturck Lexur" Her chin was pushed to her chest and her legs still up against the couch as her forehead nearly touches them.

Lexa lets out a tiny laugh and lifts her up by her arms, setting her on cloud 9 once again.

"May I ask, what you were doing grabbing for gnomes?"

Clarke just smiles and looks up at the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. She doesn't answer or intend to make a peep. Content with just staring, Clarke let out a huge smile with teeth, squinting her eyes and sticking her face outward like she was at the dentist.

Lexa knew she was drunk, judging by the two bottles of wine on the table and Clarke's free spirited demeanor. She lets her smile like that for a minute, reaching down and grabbing her glass of wine and taking a swig.

"My…what nice teeth you have…" She sits across from her on the table and continues to sip the wine, pouring herself another glass after she finishes.

"Better to bite you with m'dear" Clarke chomps her teeth at the air, her eyes now half open, stealing a peek at the girl in front of her.

"Hey…I like _you_ …" She lifts her hand and points.

Lexa downs the second glass and smiles at the cute little bean that is Clarke.

"What was that you said about biting me?" Lexa gets up and pushes Clarke back and straddles her on the couch.

Clarke's smile sent its energy to her eyes as they widened at the gesture and her mouth falls open in unison.

This was still new; they had done nothing like that day in the studio since - except make out wildly anytime they were alone. She wanted to so many times but neither of them wanted to be the first to push for it. 

_Emancipator- First Snow (Ooah Remix)_

Lexa let out a low hum and thrust her hips inward a few times before setttling her face snug between Clarke's jaw and soft neck. She missed her body and wanted to know how Clarke felt with out all the worry and walls that seemed to surround her constantly.

"Do you want me Clarke…?"

Clarke all the sudden lost all childish whimsy and became something else entirely. Her breath was heavy and her muscles were tense. All she could think of was fucking and dominating – fuck yes she wanted her. She wanted her for along time. All those nights in bed squirming at the idea of Lexa on top of her, touching her, and always thrusting on her- was coming into fruition.

Her fantasies were her realities at this moment.

"I want you Lexa… and I want to _fuck_ you," She grunts with hooded eyes.

Lexa felt a surge jolt into her core and jerks back from the change in pace inflected.  
 _Ohh…_ Her eyes fell into a haze, darting to the hallway and back. She caught the look in Clarke's eyes – the look of not giving a fuck and she melts right then and there.

"Octavia is in the shower…" Clarke mentions as she wraps her hands around to Lexa's ass and grips at her as to intentionally split her into -wanting to eat her up, first with her mouth and then with her fingers.

"…And I am going to do very bad things to you. Right here. Right now."

Clarke was determined and since Lexa started it, she felt pretty damn confident. The wine helped a lot with that. She reminded herself to thank it later.

" _What_ am I going to do to you Lexa?" Clarke demanding clarity she bites her lip as she pulls at her ass.

She waits while she moves her lips to the middle of Lexa's neck- she sees her swallowing and wants to feel it on her mouth.

"…um… bad things…?" Lexa breathes with a staccato rhythm. Not expecting this at all tonight, she just wants to ride it as long as Clarke gives it.

"That's fucking right…" The blonde's voice was deep and raspy. She didn't try to hide anything. Feeling free and in control, she scoots to the edge of the couch and tells Lexa what she wants.

"Now… take off my shirt." Lexa's eyes glitter with interest. She hasn't seen this side of Clarke and feels a tremble in her stomach. A burning sensation has her groin clenching. Lexa starts to grind at the commanding element coming from Clarke, after a long day it feels good not to think and just act upon request. She grabs at the blonde's sides, gripping skin and shirt, before she yanks the small amount of fabric clinging on to her.

" Lets see if I can get you to cum before she gets out of the shower…" Clarke raises her arms to allow the shirt to be removed and reaches under Lexa's shirt and traces her fingers up her spine, pulling her in.

Lexa tilts her head back at the touch and whispers,  
"How are you going to do _that_ Clarke?" – knowing damn well how she wants her to do that.

The tipsy blonde grins like she had been planning this and knew what was to come. She did in fact know because she _knew_ Lexa was to cum.

"Take these off…" tugging at the brim. Lexa quickly complies and shimmies out of them while still straddling. Clarke helps by holding the shorts as Lexa lifts out from them. She then sits back down, legs spread, and waiting for her next command- her hands rest on each of Clarke's shoulders nails digging in.

Clarke looks down at the wide gaping thighs, licks her lips while bringing her hands around to rest on her bare ass.

"Now… I want to taste you"

Clarke has taken to this new role. It may have had something to do with her conversation with Octavia that gave her the idea but Lexa was eating this up, so she didn't stop – she didn't want to stop.

"Do you want that?"

Lexa inhales deeply and nods her head only giving a hum of affirmation, feeling Clarke tense around her body. A part of her knows Clarke wanted verbal acquiescence- wanting to see what rise she could get.

Clarke slides her hands down her ass, lifts a check with one hand as the other wedges in from behind, feeling how ready she is, making small gestures to her muscular center. Lexa's thighs clench around her waist as she leans forward into her, wanting more.

"I didn't hear you…" she reaches in deeper while pulling her cheek wider, to slide two fingertips inside.

Lexa moaned at the hand now pressing into her entrance and rocks back on it slowly- her tactic worked to her advantage.

"Yes… yes I want that… _please_ " abruptly wanting more drawn from the pressure in her core rumbling with desire- the need to be touched, to be fucked. Her thighs tremble as Clarke pushes her hand deeper at the plea.

Clarke falls back and turns herself to lie flat on the couch,

"Good, now…sit"

Clarke nods her head as to encourage Lexa to scoot upward. Her hands help with the distinction, pushing her ass up toward her desired destination.

Lexa gasps at the feeling of her stomach flipping up against her heart, making it skip it's rhythmic beat. She feels herself drip at the thought, as a pulse rolls through her clit- she holds it there, indistinctly thrusting up toward Clarke's chin.

She pauses, thinking of how much she's been wondering what Clarke's tongue would feel like inside of her –Eyes checking up toward the hallway again.

Timidly she looks down and breathes headily, "Are you sure…?"

Clarke clenches her jaw and slaps her ass. " _Do_ it Lexa!"

Lexa whimpers at the sting and bites her lip in response.  
 _Omg…  
_  
She stares into Clarke's eyes and met someone totally knew. Someone she was intimidated by, someone who she was eager to give herself to. She took her knees and steps them up to the sides of Clarke's face, feeling her hot breath sweep over her now clenching center.

"Is _this_ what you want…?" She asks, breathing heavy, hovering over the blonde's gaping mouth not quite sitting down.

Clarke growled at her tease and lifts herself into her with an open mouth, lapping up the drip she saw coming down her thigh.

 _Oh,_ Lexa flew her head back in pure devotion and falls into her mouth; her thighs tense and clamp after each suck and lap that comes from the blonde. Clarke's tongue is fully extended, dragging it as far down and as high as she could, twisting and sucking it all in. She swallows heavy at each inhale of Lexa, her arms wrap around the thighs that surround her head.

Lexa has never experienced this before, riding someone's face. She grips at herself, her eyes shut so tight she sees stars.

The brunette falls forward not knowing what to do with all of the white noise invading her skin. She braces herself up with her arms above Clarke's head and starts to move her hips as she licks harder. In seconds she feels the rise tumbling down quick and stops rolling her hips- not wanting to cum just yet.

"Clarke, I'm…" She raises herself up to where Clarke could barely reach, lifting herself back up to her knees and sits straight up. Lexa closes her eyes and takes deep breaths, stopping herself from letting go and focuses on calming down. She doesn't want this to end so soon.

"You better sit your ass back down…" She barks from below. Her hands reach up grabbing her tits to pull her down, pinching both nipples for handles.

" _Sit on my face Lexa_ …"in a whisper that barely escapes.  
 _  
There_ was Clarke, peering through the tough veil with her begging eyes.

The sensation in her nipples pushes the build up back down in her gut despite her resistance.

Lexa leans back with her knees still around Clarke's face her ass sits on her chest and she shoves her hand into Clarke's boxers. Feeling for welcome.

She finds it in abundance.

Clarke lets out a grunt so deep; Lexa felt it vibrate between her legs and she breathes,  
"Cum with me " looking down across her flexed stomach in between her legs into blue smoldering eyes.

The blonde spreads her legs wide as she hears those words spill out of Lexa's mouth. She drops her hands and grabs on to Lexa's thighs, pulls her into her mouth and sticks her tongue as deep as she can inside.

" _Uhh_ , yeah right there…." At that exact moment, Lexa did the same with her fingers. She leans back far enough to slam two fingers inside of her while Clarke tongued her insides. They were both moving in the opposite direction from each other, one pushing the other pulling.

Clarke shoves her face as far as she can into her folds, her tongue thrusting in and out, twirling around inside. She loved the way Lexa felt in her mouth, it was like silk wrapping around her tongue. The smell, the heat, and the amount of cum surrounding Clarke's face, sends waves of pulses and almost orgasms into her core.  
 _fuck me… god.._

Lexa's stomach is fully tensed, trying to keep herself up, muscles clenched and spread wide as she drags her wet hand over Clarke's throbbing mound.

"Don't stop Clarke... _please_ don't stop…" Lexa lets out a guttural moan that she tries to hold back, but she just can't- bouncing on Clarke's tongue, trying to get it deeper. The hot intrusion felt so fucking good; it wasn't like anything else.

They both heard the shower turn off but didn't stop- they couldn't stop.

"Lexa…" Clarke mumbles in her clit. "Cum _Now_ " She layers her tongue and adds a finger inside of her. She licks as her finger kicks.

She must do it now.

Octavia was minutes away.

Lexa felt herself rising, the burn growing as they rut into each other. Breathing heavy, they both pick up speed and intensity.

"I…..I…. _ca-_ " Lexa was going to say she can't, watching the hallway as she anticipates being caught. But Clarke swiftly licks up to her clit with hard pressure, dragging her tongue side to side and circles. She repeats that as she pushes her fingers up to their hilt and pumps hard and fast- angling to hit the frontal wall inside.

All the tingles rush to that spot in seconds, the feeling of getting caught and the sheer hunger that came from Clarke sends Lexa into that little death she always needed when Clarke was inside her. She lets her clench go as the feeling rises with out resistance.  
 _  
oh yeah….baby.._ Lexa mouths- exhaling involuntarily at every thrust Clarke gives her.

She keeps her rhythm steady, rubbing Clarke hard and fast, mirroring the jabs inside of her.

" _yeah…_ like that _.. oh my fu-"_ Clarke hums in satisfaction, nearly letting go, she waits for Lexa.

She feels her circular muscle tighten around her fingers, her tongue working over time, under, over and circling.

Lexa starts to tremble, pushing down fully on Clarke's face as she pushes her palm against Clarke's pelvis, keeping her up, still toggling.

" _Lexa…"_ Clarke can't hold it in anymore and orgasms into Lexa, muffling her grunt.  
She drags her teeth across her clit, curling her fingers hard inside Lexa as she shakes into her climax. "Ohhmy _fuck_ …."

Lexa jerks erect from the new sharp feeling against her and immediately falls forward over Clarke. Her stomach toucheing Clarke's forehead as she grinds into her face, letting go of all the tension balled up in her belly.

Her knuckles ghost white as she grips the couch above the blonde. It's too extreme to make a noise, despite her mouth being open trying to emit. The feeling of falling hits her like a weightless abandon. Her mind clears and she feels the warmth of herself let go over Clarke's face. She orgasms long and hard, twitching uncontrollably.

The blonde grips her ass hard, licks slowly to clean her up, enjoying every bit of the taste.

-Clarke's eyes snap open at the sound of drawers shutting and she pushes Lexa off into the couch.  
 _  
Octavia…  
_  
She kneels off the couch and wipes her face with Lexa's shirt, then grabs her shorts off the floor. Lexa is still pulsing as she lies there, open, and stomach clenching as she rides out her high.

Smiling wide at her handy work, Clarke very sensually lifts each of the brunette's legs into the shorts and pulls them on for her. Once snug around her waist, Clarke leans in and take's Lexa's lips into hers.

"Thank you…" She whispers. Lexa's eyes nearly roll into the back of her head, she mumbles into her mouth. "mmhm"

Clarke grabs her camisole and yanks it over her head. It's backwards. But right before she has the chance to turn it around…

Literally, seconds later Octavia comes out of the hallway to grab some water.

"Raven is coming over, Clarke I am so nervous! She should be h-What happened?" O sees that Lexa is sunk into the couch with her arm over her red face.

"Oh man… is she alright?" She looks concerned for Lexa and this made Clarke almost laugh out loud but she hides it behind a grimace. She pretends to be concerned and puts her hand on Lexa's forehead.

"Yeah… she came over and isn't feeling well." Lexa snickers into her hands, but makes it sound like a whine. When she was sure Octavia rescinded to the kitchen, she sits up.

She extends an arm and starts to trail it up Clarke's leg with her eyes still closed. The blonde bats her away but she is persistent.

"So Raven is coming over?" Clarke asks, almost giggling at the tickle of Lexa's fingers.

Octavia looks up sternly at Clarke and gave her this unsure gesture, not sure whether to talk about it in front of Lexa. She quickly recovers, poking wide eyes at Clarke.

"Yeah she is coming over to vent, should be here in three hours."

Lexa's eyes are open now, listening to the conversation as she feels the flex in Clarke's legs. She wonders why Octavia would be nervous about Raven coming over, she reminds herself to ask but for now she slowly gives into her heavy eyes.

Clarke looks down at Lexa and smiles at the sweet face that is still flush. Her eyes are now closed as her fingertips grasp at her leg. She slowly shifts her leg out from in between Lexa's knees and makes her way to Octavia in the kitchen.

"What did she say?" Her voice is at a whisper, glancing down and then jerks her head back up to her face.

Octavia was chugging her water standing in sleep shorts and a tank top that revealed a little too much- hair still wet from the shower drips on her breasts.

"She didn't say much, I think her parents upset her so she is driving back. She said she just needed company, so I am not sure if we will talk about anything." Her eyes peer over Clarke to see Lexa has her eyes closed, breathing steady.

"What's wrong with Lex? She going to be okay?"

Clarke looks back and smiles at the cinnamon roll that is Lexa.

"Yeah… she will be _just_ fine."

She turns her head back to O and steps closer, extending her pinky out, "Promise me you will tell me everything that happens?"

Octavia chuckles and nods her head, wrapping her pinky around Clarkes as they both kiss the ends of their fists. They have always made pinky promises this way. Kisses always make things much more serious, don't they?

Clarke starts getting a little dizzy and grabs O's water out of her hands, downing it with out a breath. She makes her way to the sink to get more, trying to sober up. It was all catching up to her now- the adrenaline was wearing off.

"Oh damn, you okay?" Octavia rubs her back.

"Yeah, just got a little dizzy. I drank too much wine!" Clarke staggers a bit to refill the water, Octavia leans against her to support.

She tries to drink enough water so she won't feel it the next day. They have game night and she needs to dominate. Clarke loves game night, they try to host it every other week to get their group together when they aren't hosting a party. During the school year it is very hard to find time to catch up, so this gives them all a schedule they abide by.

"Are you going to tell her you like her?" Clarke says while putting an arm over Octavia's shoulder, keeping them close- sipping at her refilled water.

Octavia starts to pull away, a discernable sadness in her eyes.

"I don't know Clarke," she lets out a deep sigh and breaks free of Clarke and saunters down the hall way and into her room, shutting the door definitively.

Clarke finishes her fourth cup of water and fills it up once more so she can put it near her bed, just in case. Walking over to Lexa, she thinks about Raven and Octavia. She hopes this goes well because they are a big part of the group dynamic. If they don't work things out, Clarke would have to be the one in between. Not sure how that would work, she loves them both so much, mostly she doesn't want them to feel that pain she knew so well.

Wanting something you can't have, doing things you can't take back.

Clarke turns to look at Lexa from the kitchen. Her childlike whimsy returning, she decides to mess with Lexa just a little bit to wake her up in order to migrate to her bedroom.

She sets her water down on the coffee table and looks at Lexa's sweet angel face. Her heart pings as she skims the contours of her lips, her favorite part is the slight drip of skin that sits in the middle of her bottom lip. Only noticeable if you were lucky enough to get so close.

"I want you Lexa…" She whispers inches away from her mouth. She grins when there is no reaction.

She turns around, softly pushes Lexa's arms off her lap and gently sits down into her lap; she backs up all the way so she is snug against her crotch. Clarke puts both of her hands on her own knees and begins to perform a soft lap dance. Grinding her ass in deep, dragging up her legs, and pushing back right into her core. She does this repeatedly, trying to perfect her hip roll and glide. 

***

Clarke gets into it and closes her eyes, imagining the song _Pop my trunk by Wine-O_. Whispering the words to herself she starts to dance and lift her arms through her hair as she bounces her ass on Lexa- she moves her pelvis in a shallow rotation, trying to be sexy but knows she probably looks like a flamingo with arms.

" _Pop my trunk and dip dip dip_ , _R.I.P to Fat Pat what you know about that, we 4 deep in a 'lac and we all got gats…"_

Lexa smiles so big, watching Clarke's ass rotating above her through cracked eye lids.  
 _Is she dancing?!...omg she is…_

She doesn't dare to let her know that she is awake. The view is too good and a cute kind of sexy. She can't help think about how much she wants this girl to dance for her, how much she wants to wake up to her every day, how much she feels this girl in her bones when she just looks her way, how much her heart grows at the sound of her name from her mouth as she cums, how much she likes making her cum… _  
Fuck, I love this girl…_

Clarke starts to get up off of her lap, feeling her legs burn, until a pair of hands reach around from both sides of her hips and grabs her back down.

" _Please_ don't stop Clarke…"

The blonde gasps at being caught and smiles in satisfaction. She scoots all the way back and grabs the two hands on her hips and pulls them to wrap around her stomach. Leaning back, she spreads her legs as wide as they can go, taking one of Lexa's hands and pushes it in her boxers, turning her head so her lips touch against her ear.

"Feel that?"

Lexa gulps and loses her breath before she can respond.

"yes…"

Clarke moans to Lexa's fingers now exploring her.

"That's all for you"

Lexa kisses Clarke's shoulder and pulls her back flush against her. The blonde's head leans back on her shoulder as she flicks her finger against her swollen clit.

She wants her to cum fast -feel her orgasm while on top of her. She holds her tight, making long and swift strokes transitioning into fast…and then slow.

Clarke's toes begin to curl as the heat builds up in her stomach and rolls down into her pelvis. She bucks as it rises within her.  
"yeah...yeah,yeah.."

Lexa feels her tense up on top of her. Knowing she is close, she loosens her grip around her waist and brings her dry fingers up to her own mouth and sucks on them. She then slides them passed her other hand working at her clit and plays around in the entrance of her core. Lexa inserts half a finger in and out, tapping inside just below the surface, putting pressure inward as she slides it barely in and out.

"I'm going to cum _Lexa_ …keep doing that..." Clarke breathes heavy into her ear, biting her lip at the thought of their position. She grips her own thighs. The humming pleasure that radiates deep inside of her is begging to be released. She holds on to it until she can't feel her hands gripping tight at her skin, just a little bit _more_...

She shuts her eyes and screams in her mouth. It's an intense one and she can't breathe otherwise she would let out a yelp.

"I wish you would let it out, I don't care who hears as long as it's for me…"

Lexa rubs her until she stops convulsing and kisses all along her neck.

"Keep on fucking me, and I might…"

Hearing her talk like that gives Lexa a surge to her core, a pinch that she clamps down on. It drives her wild. She growls into her neck and bites at it. She wraps her arms around her and tackles her into the couch. They land in a spooning position and they both don't bother to move.

"I want you too Clarke…" Lexa whispers clearly having heard her whisper it before. She caresses Clarke's arms down to her legs, staring at the girl she managed to capture. They slowly drift off together, into another reality because this right here, what they have, is a dream. And Lexa never wants to wake up. 

_Zero 7- In The Waiting Line_

Raven pulls up to the Houston Hut and shuts her car off. She moves slow and lethargic- having been thinking about Octavia the whole five hours home. She steps out of the car and closes the door very quietly.

Each foot seems to step just inches away from the other as she makes her way to the front door. Her heart tends to malfunction every time she gets in proximity of Octavia, so she takes extra care as to not have a heart attack. The mere thought of this girl sends shocks to her center.

Raven opens the door and walks in, her hands retreat into her pockets as she leans back to shut the door. She looks over to her right and sees Clarke and Lexa cuddled together on the couch. The sight of their love brings tears to her eyes and she sinks down to the floor, staring at them.

She has been alone for _so_ long and the hope of something she wants _so_ bad, hurts. In fact it burns, causing radiating pain that can be subdued only by the same intensity of another. Because that hope she feels is teetering on the edge of love and loss. If she moves a little to the left or right, it will fall to one of those fates and she isn't sure which would hurt worse.

She leans her head against the door, her knees up, her forearms rest on top, and both of her fingers are linked, holding it all together. The intensity of her feelings burns her skin.

If Octavia did have feelings for her, she is afraid of how fast she would fall.

If she didn't, she would feel empty inside, like her heart fell anyway.

She tries to calm her heart and stop her tears from falling before she walks to Octavia's room.

Minutes go by and the house is silent. She looks around this place, remembering every memory she can. Raven imagines the worst, imagining not having this place, imagining not having these friends. She knew they would choose Octavia over her. She was here first.

This is her family. The family she _chose_. She bangs her head against the door and squeezes her eyes shut. Angry at herself for going there, but lets be real. The stakes are high and she just isn't sure she is ready to step left or right.

She can't move. Raven tells herself to move but she can't.

She starts to cry. Her parent's make her feel helpless, Octavia makes her feel hopeless.

She just wants to be in control again, ever since the accident she has made it a point to always be in control. Her body is something she has grown to understand, they sometimes fight but ultimately they work together.

Right now, they are at war. Her body is under it's own command and Raven feels the pain seep back into her leg. She isn't sure if its phantom pain manifested by her duress or if it's because she doesn't have control.

She needs to be in control.

After what seems like forever, Raven picks herself up and walks toward the hallway carrying a slight limp. She stops in front of O's door, takes a deep breath and wipes her damp cheeks.

Stepping inside, she turns to shut the door softly before looking into the room. She finds Octavia on top of her covers lying on her side facing in, sleeping next to her cellphone.

Raven gives a faint smile- walks over to her and sits on the edge of the bed, sinking the mattress down. She leans on to her knees and picks at her fingers. Octavia's back slides into Raven's from the added weight to the bed.

"I don't know what to do O…" She speaks softly- a quiver in her voice.

Raven knows she won't be able to get this out if she doesn't say it now. Even though Octavia is asleep she finds this way easier.

"I like you more than I should… and I really don't want to mess this up. You and me-we are great together. Like we were…"

Raven turns her head to see if she has moved but notices her breath is still even.

"I'm sorry for how I have been lately, I can't tell you that I know what I am doing. I can't tell you that I don't want you. I've wanted you since that day you put dandelions in my hair, and I told you that they were weeds not flowers…" 

_Kaki King- Doing the Wrong Thing_

She chokes up, remembering how free they used to feel. Not caring about feelings or relationships, just being together. The feeling she gets when she is around Octavia is so intense now; she can't feel that free anymore. She feels trapped in them.

"So… I think it's best we forget about the other night, even though I liked it so much. Because I did O… "

Raven turns and leans over her with one hand propping her up on the other side and continues- her lips a breath away from her arm.

"I have never let myself go like that before and I am glad it was with you… But I just…

can't do this..."

Raven chokes at the last words- sitting up, she wipes her tears with such force she drags her face down with her hands. Thinking of every reason to stay- a slight sting in her leg.

She winces and lifts herself from the bed and starts to leave but doesn't want to go without her knowing she was here.

She looks around and finds a sharpie on her desk. She searches for a piece of paper – but looks at the empty side of the bed and sees the white pillow. The same white pillow she gripped so tight when Octavia was inside her. She winces at the memory as she slumps over to it. With out sitting down she leans in and writes _I'm sorry_ on the pillowcase in large enough letters. A tear falls as she writes the last letter, causing the Y to bleed in more than the others.

She lifts up- puts the cap on and sets the marker on the nightstand. Taking one last look at Octavia's face and her bed, she exhales and walks away without looking back- convincing herself that it wouldn't work and it would be best to have their friendship than nothing at all.

The risk was too high, the returning pain too familiar.

She walks into the living room and stops to look at Lexa and Clarke again. Oh, how she wishes that could be her and O. But it isn't that easy, Octavia wasn't out, she wasn't sure. There was too much room for error. Raven wasn't the kind of person to make miscalculations; she didn't like to start something before the gears were right in their place.  
 _  
Better to have something than nothing…  
_  
She clamps down on her jaw before she leaves the Houston Hut to head back to her empty house, just the way she left it.


	16. Chapter 16

_**-**_ **CH. 16 'Suppose to Be' is a Fantasy  
**

When you are so close to a group of people, feelings run wild. You open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt. You care too much; you love too much. The fact that you find those select few that can fill the holes in you, making you feel welcome in this world, is a luxury most do not have. They are the ones that you look to in seemingly small moments and say to yourself how lucky you are.

That kind of love doesn't come easy; it takes effort and patience. But when you find the ones worth all that, you would do anything to protect it. Raven knew it would be hard, but she didn't anticipate how hard it would be to break her own heart.

It's just about to get light out and the birds are proud to be birds- proving that they exist with the potency of their chirps.

Octavia, still half asleep, rolls over trying to distance herself from the sound. Her cheek hits a hard and cold surface that snap her eyelids open in lucidity. She pulls her cell phone out from under her face and grunts. Her head is pounding and she feels a faint knot in her stomach.  
 _  
Damn…I fell asleep!_

She sits up in bed and tries to recall if something happened that she couldn't remember or if Raven just didn't come at all.

She swings her legs to sit at the edge of her bed vaguely grasping at a feeling that was fleeting the more she tried to focus. Octavia pushes herself up off the bed and walks to use the bathroom. She thinks hard and realizes Raven never came. In haste she jumps up and runs to check her phone for any calls or messages.

She stops before she gets to her bed, her legs frozen in place. Eyes fixated on what's in front of her.

Her throat tightens as she reads, _I'm Sorry_ written on the pillow. The pillow Raven usually slept on when she's here. The pillow Octavia would stick her face into for the comfort of her smell when she was feeling particularly lonely. The pillow they shared _that_ night.

Octavia doesn't move-the knot in her stomach growing in size. She shuffles through all the 'I'm Sorrys' she has gotten in her life, searching for any other meaning than the one she knew it was meant to be.

Her knees say they're sorry as they give out, her eyes say they're sorry as they water, and her heart says it's sorry as it sinks low into her chest.

Sitting on her heels, Octavia grabs her sides feeling a burn of aversion rise from within.

The knot is evident now.

She grips at her sides until she feels the give of her skin under her fingernails. She inhales deeply while releasing her grip and exhales while bracing herself against the floor.

Octavia takes a few minutes to gather herself. With one punch to the carpet she lifts herself up off the floor.

She looks up at the words again- walks slowly to the pillowcase and stares at the individual letters. Focusing on the letter Y - she extends her hand and lightly rubs across the letters with her fingertips.

 _Mindless Self-Indulgence – Royally Fucked_

Feeling the burn flare up into her chest she punches the pillow before she turns it around in anger, pushing it in to the bed, smothering whatever lies beneath.

After breathing heavily for a few moments, she makes her bed like she always does in the morning. She brushes her teeth like she always does and then she gets dressed _not_ like she always does.

Octavia chooses the best outfit she could find that made her look the complete opposite of how she feels. After choosing her favorite black jeans, a grey and slate blue flannel that fits her just right tucked in to the front, she chooses to wear two of her favorite necklaces one looser than the other. She dressed herself slow and with purpose, like it's her last chance.

Octavia stares at the bracelet Raven made out of metal and slams her jewelry box shut. She takes her time doing her makeup, being precise and natural about it, eyeliner on the top not the bottom, mascara, and light tans and golds for eye shadow.

She brushes her hair slowly to one side, and puts tiny braids along the side of her head to keep the flow of her hair pushed over her left shoulder.

After staring at herself for so long she leans closer to the mirror, really looking at her features. She crawls up onto the bathroom counter that sits outside from her shower and toilet and sits Indian style as close to the mirror she could get.

She stares into her own eyes, moving her face to the left and to the right, trying to see what they see; the one's who want her.

Her eyes are a deep green as they dart from one to the other. She slowly raises her fist up to her face in the mirror and pushes against the filmed glass- blocking her face from view.

Octavia gradually pulls her fist back as far as she can… and…  
 **  
Slam  
**  
She punches the mirror at her face as hard as she could.

The glass splinters in a web like pattern, a few pieces from the center fall off, and the rest lie in Octavia's knuckles.

She smiles at the pain that masks what she feels in her heart. Her arm is still cocked in the air with her fist tight.

She looks into her reflection now- all fractured and distorted.

This is how she sees herself.

Clarke musters from a sound she hears against the living room wall. Not quite sure if it was part of her dream, she gets up to grab her water from the coffee table.

Lexa is still asleep but shifts over as more real estate becomes available. Clarke takes two huge gulps of her water before standing up to stretch. She turns her arm to look at her watch, 8:49am.

She makes her way to the bathroom and hears Octavia through her closed door but decides not to knock just in case they are naked in there.

Smiling she walks to her bathroom- she likes it better than the hallway one. She feels the sex all over her, so she decides to take a shower before heading back out. Clarke takes off her clothes and almost steps into the shower before getting a brilliant idea.

Octavia curses under her breath as she picks little shards out of her fist- liking the feeling of punching something so resistant.

She thinks to herself that maybe she should join something, kickboxing or MMA.

Excited for her new adventure she jumps off the counter and grabs a hand towel before heading to her desk to do some research. She wraps the towel around her hand and types women MMA, Denver into her search engine. She finds a gym thirty minutes away in Highlands Ranch, UFC gym.

She reads about the programs and classes and chooses to find a personal trainer, to 'Own The Everyday' according to the site. There is an offer for a free pass to try it out, so she signs up and hits submit.

She leans back in her chair and feels a little bit better already.

 _Fuck it._

Octavia swallows her feelings and hardens her heart. Like it's the finality of her yearning, chalking it up to a mere feeling that wasn't meant to have merit. She just wants answers, she feels like she deserves more than I'm sorry scribbled on a fucking pillow.

She walks out of the room to grab some much-needed coffee.

She forces out a smile that looks more like a grin before walking out of her room.

The house is still quiet as she makes her way down the hall, she can hear a shower going and spots Lexa still asleep on the couch. Dragging her hand on every surface she sees, she throws a few punches in the air as she starts boiling some water and sets up the Chemex on the bar. The fire she feels in her stomach, she uses to energize her, bouncing around the kitchen pretending to know a thing or two about fighting. She plops up on the kitchen bar and waits for the water to boil as she gazes at her bruised and cut up hand- Mesmerized by it.

She sees something out of the corner of her eye and…

"O!"

"AHH! What the _hell_ are you doing Clarke?!" Octavia tries to shield her eyes with her legs and arms, falling backwards off the counter hitting the Chemex onto the floor before she lands.  
 **  
Crash**

"SHIT… I thought you were in your room! I heard you in there like two minutes ago!"

"Ahh FUCK"

"Oh _dammit,_ are you okay Octavia?"

Clarke had run out from her bathroom to surprise Lexa and drag her into the shower, when she unexpectedly spotted Octavia sitting on the counter right as she emerged in broad day light, stark naked.

"I think I fell into some glass…haha…ow.." She rolls out from the hazard and assesses the damage.

"O… you're bleeding!"

"Clarke…you're naked!" Octavia laughs back at her standing halfway in the kitchen with a horrified look on her face.

Lexa pops up from the couch from all the noise and sees Clarke naked- Octavia on the ground, all the sudden completely awake and bounding toward them.

"Clarke!"

The blonde whips around with her hands over her open mouth and her face turns beet red.

" _Omg…"_ Completely mortified she runs into her bedroom and slams the door shut. Her brilliant plan was a complete disaster.

Lexa inches forward to see over the bar and asks,

"What _is_ going _on_?! Oh my god, what happened?!" She approaches Octavia on the ground, noticing the blood and the broken coffee maker shattered behind her.

Octavia just lies there on her back with her arms spread out and laughs.

Before she could answer Lexa, Clarke returns in her robe with a first aid kit in her hands.

"O, I am so _so_ sorry! Let me look at you…" Clarke glances at Lexa in shame and then focuses on Octavia, pulling her up into a sitting position.

"OW…ow, ow." Octavia reaches under her thigh and pulls out a piece of glass that had poked just barely through her jeans.

"Hold still O, your worst one is here on the back of your arm." Clarke reaches into the first aid kit and finds alcohol swabs. She wipes the back of both arms and her elbows.

"Shit, let me see your hand… ugh, I really messed you up." Clarke feels really bad and starts to beat herself up.

Octavia jerks her hand away and gets up off the floor.

"I'm fine Clarke, not _all_ your fault." Octavia walks to the pantry and gets the broom to sweep the mess. Blood begins to drip down her left arm- the pot boiling in the distance.

Clarke gets up and pulls her away from the glass on the floor, "O, you're bare foot and I need to wrap this cut up, you're dripping on the floor!"

Octavia stands still as Clarke wraps her arm up with gauze and tapes it. Impatient and closed off, O yanks away before she can mend anywhere else- continues her attempt to sweep up the Chemex. Realizing that Raven had given it to them she smiles.  
 _Maybe I have seven years of bad luck now..._

"Anyone _care_ to fill me in?" Lexa is now sitting at the bar stool and looking at them both with a confused twist to her face. Jealousy trying to rear it's ugly head- succeeding.

"Well if you must know _Lexa_ , your girl here was trying to hit on me naked and—" O conspires as she sweeps.

Clarke's chest turns flush as she swivels her head to look at Lexa's frumpy face.

"ACTUALLY, I was about to take a shower and decided to surprise _you_ and come get _you_. I thought she was still in her room and I ran out here naked. I surprised O and she fell off the counter…on top of the Chemex…" Clarke explains with red cheeks and her hands writhing together, completely embarrassed.

Lexa busts out laughing and Octavia joins her, "You didn't surprise me Clarke, you _scared_ me!"

Clarke pouts and closes the first aid kit, "I hate you both, treat your own wounds!"

Clarke looks at both of them smiling at her and huffs off into her bedroom to take a shower like she first intended.

Octavia laughs and calls out, "My wounds don't need treating, they are tough little warriors who will get praised for their bravery!" Octavia feels the pain all over her body and accepts it. It drowns out how she really feels, making it easier to shove it down further.

Lexa shakes her head in disbelief and looks at Octavia silently sweeping up the mess, something about her demeanor is off and Lexa can tell.

"Hey, did Ra-"

"Aren't you going to join your girlfriend in the shower? She _did_ just make a fool of herself for you. Don't be rude." Octavia shoots at her before Lexa could finish asking what she knew what she was going to ask- glaring out of the corner of her eye.

Lexa flinches slightly before getting up off the stool, "yeah… you're right."

She gradually walks down the hall looking back at Octavia sigh deeply before she disappears out of view. Lexa walks into Clarke's room and sees her in the shower, door open with invitation.

Stripping her clothes off she decides to scare Clarke and sneak into the bathroom. She tip toes to the back edge of the shower and rips open the curtain all the way.

"BOO!"

"AHHH!" Clarke has shampoo in her hair and almost falls backwards when Lexa jumps into the shower- grabs hold of her before she does and wraps her arms around her waist.

"Don't _do_ that Lexa!" She slaps Lexa on her collarbone before she leans in for a kiss. It's a wet sloppy kiss that Clarke doesn't mind getting- soap seeping into her eyes.

She pulls away and makes a scrunchy, painful face to Lexa.

"Let me help you…lean your head back" Lexa directs the water to fall just behind her hair line and wipes the soap from her face and then drags her fingers through her hair to get all the soap out.

"Our first shower together started off well, don't you think?" Clarke asks with her eyes closed- Lexa's face inches away.

Lexa leans in and lands small kisses up her neck and then to her ear, "haha, it went off with a bang I'd say."

She smirks and shifts Clarke out from under the water and switches places.

Lexa wets her hair and says "my turn!" as she waits with her eyes closed enjoying the hot water run over her head.

Clarke squirts shampoo on her hand, thinks about just putting it in her hair but decides to rub both of her hands together and press them against Lexa's boobs- her eyes shoot open.

"These were so dirty…I had to tend to them first, you're a really dirty peasant." Clarke says then sticks her tongue a little bit out against her teeth, pink peeking out just a tad.

Lexa smiles at her favorite Clarke face and steps closer, "Oh…? What else is dirty m'lady?"

Clarke massages her boobs while she pushes her back into the water to rinse the shampoo off of them. She grabs her favorite body wash, sea lily jasmine, and pours some into her loofa.

"All of it…" Clarke bends down on one knee and pushes the loofa on her calf, scrubbing upward until she reaches her inner thigh. She pushes her leg out to widen her stance and glides the loofa between her. She lightly lets the ruffles skim her clitoris and then applies pressure to scrub her clean in between. A small moan descends. Once satisfied, she scrubs down her other leg.

When she is done with her bottom half, she tells Lexa to turn around. She complies with an adoring smile- this was one of her many fantasies she had before Clarke and her starting eyeing each other in that knowing way.

The way that says, _I know that you want me_.

Clarke takes her time working her way from her shoulders, down her spine, over her hips, and focuses on her butt.

"mmm… what a nice butt you have…" Clarke bends down and wraps her arms around her thighs- her lips really close to her cheeks and then bites down on one.

" _oh_ …" Lexa flinches at the surprising pinch on her ass.

"Did you just bite my butt?" Looking back behind her shoulder.

Clarke stands up and wraps her arms around her neck from behind, "Mmhmm"

"You know how I get when I'm hungry Lexa." She kisses into Lexa's neck and bites her there too.

"Agh, _you_ are the little gnome missy!" Lexa turns around and slaps her body into Clarkes. They both laugh into a kiss and sway as they play with each other's wet mouths. Sliding their tongues as freely as they please. The water helps glide their lips over and under.

"Clarke…" Lexa breathes, lips still kissing.

"mm?" Clarke's eyes are closed.

"I don't think Raven showed up last night…"

Clarke's eyes open and she pulls slightly away to see Lexa's face.

"Why…what makes you say that?"

"Well, I almost asked her before she cut me off and told me I was being rude for not following you in here."

"That doesn't mean she didn't show and you _were_ being rude. It's the least you could do for the trauma I went through." Clarke shoots back with a bite of her own lip, staring down at Lexa's.

"I'm serious babe. I think Octavia is dealing with something and I don't think it's good."

Clarke flashes a smile at being called babe but she realizes that she is right.

"You're right, she was acting strange and Raven would have been in the kitchen helping her if she was here…" Clarke starts piecing it all together and needs to get out of the shower.

"Lets hurry up, I have to go talk to O."

Lexa agrees and they finish showering together, kissing each other as they switch places under the faucet.

Clarke hops out first and quickly dries herself. She finds jean shorts and a white V-neck shirt to go over her matching nude lace garments underneath. Her hair is half dry and twisted up into a clip. She likes to dry it this way, once she lets it down her natural waves flow and it stays effortlessly composed.

"I'm going out there!" Clarke yells out to Lexa before heading out to the kitchen.

When Clarke makes her way to the kitchen she doesn't see Octavia. She runs in to her room and sees her bed neatly made.  
 _Maybe she is in the bathroom..._

She walks in and looks over-the lights are off in the bathroom, door open. She starts to turn around, when a gleam of broken glass catches the sunlight and hits her eyes. Clarke walks up to the mirror and sees a circular impact, with fragments of glass on the counter.

" _Octavia_ …" She reaches up and touches the bits of dried blood that stuck behind on the shattered part of the mirror- recalling her busted hand.

Clarke yanks back when she feels a slight cut to her finger but it doesn't make it through all the layers.

 _Dammit Raven...What happened?_ She runs to grab her phone from her room and calls Octavia.

 **Ring Ring**

Ring Ring

Clarke turns around and notices the sound is near; she follows the sound back to Octavia's room and notices the phone is on her bed.

 _Dammit Octavia…_ She looks at her phone and calls Raven as she runs through the house and checks the backyard. No one is there.

 _Ring Ring_

Ring Ring

Ring Ring

She doesn't pick up and Clarke is getting really worried. _What the hell happened?  
_  
Lexa is done with her shower and is standing in Clarke's room, looking through her closet to find something to wear. They wear practically the same size so she has options.

Clarke comes shuffling into the room typing aggressively on her phone.

"Everything okay Clarke?"

She doesn't respond and lingers there until she finishes typing and lets out a huge sigh.

"What is it?" Lexa asks while putting on her bra from yesterday- they aren't the same size there.

"Octavia's gone and she left her phone here. I called Raven and she didn't answer." Clarke walks to sit on her bed and looks down at her phone.

"Something doesn't feel right Lexa."

Lexa yanks on some jeans and a grey sweater that says girls across it in red letters. She sits next to Clarke and wraps one arm around her shoulders, landing a small kiss to her head.

"I am sure they are fine."

Clarke scrunches her cheek up into her eye and isn't sure.

"What if they got into a fight…I can't choose sides. Octavia and I were talking about this and she was worried it would ruin their friendship."

"Wait… what would?" Lexa looks at her a little lost.

Clarke sighs and turns her body toward Lexa. She contemplates not telling her but if she is to help, she has to know.

"Octavia fucked Raven…"

Lexa's mouth fell open and her arm drops from Clarke's shoulders.

"…and Raven kind of shut down afterwards and wouldn't talk about it for days. Last night Raven texted Octavia and told her she needed to see her. But she was in New Mexico, so Octavia had to wait for five hours before she got here."

Lexa scoots closer and tries to find what to say.

"Do you know where she would go?"

Clarke hangs her head low, "She punched her mirror in her room. She is very angry- she could be anywhere! Octavia tends to bottle up her anger until she explodes. Bellamy is the only one that could ever calm her down."

"Well, call him..." Not too thrilled she has to suggest calling Bellamy.

Clarke lifts her head up, "Good idea!"

She stands up to call Bellamy but instead of walking away, Clarke sits down on Lexa's lap. Lexa is abruptly jolted out of jealousy when she feels Clarke wedging herself on to her legs. She felt this growing sense of adoration that wouldn't slow down. Everyday she spends with this girl she found new things she loved about her.

She listened to Clarke explain the situation to Bellamy, but her eyes zone in to absorb the small details of Clarke's face. The way her lips move as she spoke, her neck's soft rumble as she swallows and breathes, she notices the way she would inch closer when she caught her staring. Lexa felt completely overwhelmed at the notion of this girl having her heart completely. She fought it before but now… She couldn't give herself away quick enough. The thought of control was driven by fear and once she let that go and gave that up to someone she trusted. Everything fell just right. Even if it didn't go to plan, it gave her the perspective that it didn't matter. That she was merely an observer to the beauty as it unfolds. Clarke gave her the ability to see the tragic beauty in the awful and seek out the good in it anyway.

Clarke had finished her conversation but noticed the girl beneath her entranced so she kept the phone up to her ear, seeing if she would notice she had stopped talking. For a few minutes she hadn't. Clarke watched as the light in Lexa's eyes glimmered as if something in her mind seemed to click.

Lexa snaps back in the moment and caught the blue coming down at her. She smiled bashfully at the look Clarke was giving her.

"What?"

Clarke kept smiling and just wrapped her arms around her neck, leaning back into the bed bringing them both down intertwined. Lexa giggled and embraced the blonde on top of her.

"What did Bellamy say?"

"He is on his way, he hadn't heard from her so he is a bit worried. I told him about the mirror and he didn't seem too surprised."

Lexa tenses at the thought of him coming over- that he could be more of use to Clarke than she, but Clarke notices and kisses her face to reassure her that it will all be fine.

"But…I have to work in an hour, " she confesses lightly kissing the corner of Lexa's mouth.

Lexa goes limp and lets out a whine as she pouts but pops up in alertness realizing something.

"Does that mean…ughh..."

Clarke smiles at her pleadingly, "Only until you guys find O and make sure she is okay! Bellamy is not that bad Lex. He has been a good friend."

"Yeah, until he tried to force himself on you Clarke!" Her hands covering eyes, pushing them inward as she imagines spending alone time with him.

"It wasn't exactly like that Lex… and we talked it out. He apologized profusely…"

" _Lexa_ " Clarke tries to pry her hands away from her eyes but she is stubbornly holding them there as hard as she can.

"Lexa come on… I will _owe_ you…" She entices as she poked up her stomach and caresses the plump undersides of her breasts.  
Lexa lifts her head and peeks from under her palms and finds Clarke resting her chin in between her boobs and her hands cupping them.

"Hrrmmph…" She throws her head back down, " Fine…but you better make it up to me." Bellamy and her never got along and the thought of them doing something alone together made Lexa cringe. She knew he would push her buttons and wasn't looking forward to his bold childish behaviors. But she wanted to make Clarke happy, and spending a day with Bellamy wasn't too bad of sacrifice in order to achieve that.

 _Parachute Youth- Can't Get Better Than This  
(If you watch the music video, you can get a look at the inspiration for Tombo the boy Raven bonded with in Africa)_

Raven is in her house drinking some 1980 Dalmore scotch whiskey she had nicked from her father's cabinet before leaving the house. He always kept his nicest spirits hidden in the bottom shelf behind his bottle collection. If she was going to drink, might as well be the good stuff.

She locks herself in her den that she retrofitted into a workshop/garage. She has spare parts hanging from hooks, an unfinished motorcycle braced up on her station, posters of pin ups and vintage cars on the wall, and old African décor that no longer fit in the rest of the house.  
She was adapting a road bike into an all-terrain scrambler. She had bought an old Royal Enfield Bullet 500 and stripped it down to the frame. Over the course of the year she was adding new parts and taking away old parts. She was in the middle of taking the Enfield's EFI system off and installing a HM amal carb conversion kit. This allows her to clean up the wiring while waiting on custom parts to be delivered.

Raven throws herself into her projects when she feels overwhelmed. She builds relationships with her machines; it shows her what it needs and how it could look. This is an environment where she is in full control over what happens with out distraction. Sometimes she works so late in here that she sleeps on the couch she has wedged in the corner.

Music is flowing from the background from an old jukebox she fixed to accommodate her gadgets. Her phone is playing a mix on her favorite app, 8tracks across the room, connected via Bluetooth. Raven likes chill wave music that has a good beat to work with.

Covered in grease, she focuses on her build- anything to keep her mind off of her. She is on her tiptoes, towering over the table in a weird position trying to tighten a nut when she feels her legs give way from under her, trying to brace herself on the table she drops her wrench on the floor. As it clanks, she catches herself from falling and whips around to find Octavia huffing in her direction.

"What the _fuck_ does I'm sorry mean?"

Raven is stunned at her presence but not surprised at her reaction.

Octavia had rushed out the door, not willing to be prodded by Lexa or Clarke. She didn't intend on breaking into Raven's house when the door was locked. She just found herself here, already pushing Raven in frustration because this isn't how it's suppose to be.

"O…"  
Raven wipes her hands off onto her down turned overalls and sits down on the stool that is right next to her. Her eyes stuck on Octavia's quivering lip, watery eyes, wind kissed cheeks, and bristled skin. She notices how amazing she looks, scanning her from her leather boots, up her tight jeans, and perfectly hanging flannel. Letting out a sigh she explains,

"I came over last night and you were sleeping. I talked to you for a bit and… I just didn't want to wake you."

Octavia paces back and forth as she struggles with her anger and understanding, she rubs her arms trying to warm up having walked there in the cold.

"You should have woke me up _Raven_." She says looking at the ground still pacing. "I waited for you."

Raven gets up off the stool and walks over to Octavia pacing in angst. She puts one hand on her arm to make her stop. O looks up and meets Raven's apologetic eyes, immediately she slumps her shoulders.

"I'm sorry O…" she whispers as she pulls Octavia in for a deep hug to warm her up. She resists it for a minute before giving in, letting out a small sigh. Her eyes are red and puffy as they fill.

"…But you don't… _want_ me?" O asks hesitantly, hiding her face into Raven chest.

Raven's embrace doesn't falter but her eyes do. She chokes up and thinks about telling her that she wants her more than anything. Her self-restraint is of the gods, because any normal being would let this wild girl in and beg for her to fall into their arms like she is now. But Raven is of a different breed. She thinks mechanically about what is best for the greater good, rather than for herself. She thought selfishly for so long and it only brought her loneliness. Since then she has built a family of friends and she has Octavia. She can have her for forever as a friend or for now as who knows what, and for how long…

"…It's not that Octavia…" She hugs her a little tighter as she brings her hand to her wind-chapped cheek, caressing it with her thumb. "…I just _can't_."

Octavia pushes out of her arms and shoves her against the table, "You _can't_? Well you sure _could_ that night Raven!"

She looks from one eye to the next as a tear sneaks down her cheek.

" _What_ , you think that I just do that with everyone that sleeps in my bed? I opened up to you. After all these years you have been pushing me and pulling me, and when I finally let myself go. You _can't_...?"

Raven stares at her lips as she vehemently berates her. Her vein in her head popping out as she pushes her fists into Raven's stomach, gripping at it at the same time she punches. Her stomach wrenches at the way her perfect teeth bare themselves as her upper lip curls to her demand. She moves her hands to the edge of the table and clenches her knuckles white.

"…I wanted to talk to you for days and you _can't_ even give me a chance? You just shut me out and leave me there, worrying abo—"

Raven grabs her by the neck, one hand behind it the other to the side and kisses her with force. Hearing Octavia yell at her about how she let herself go and about chances, she couldn't help herself. The need in her groin pulsated at every vowel her mouth made. She wants Octavia; she wants to give her a chance, she wants more.

Raven pulls away slowly, their lips cling to each other as they part.

"I… I'm sorry. I don't know what I am doing; I just know I _can't_ lose you. If we move on this, there is no going back. We are _best_ friends O… If I lose you, I lose everyone else." She takes a deep breath, "You see… you will still have them if anything happens… me? I don't think I would be as lucky…"

Octavia touches her own lips, still dazed at the force Raven kissed her, leaving a little grazed memory of her tongue on her lip. She mumbles,

"We don't know what would happen… and they wouldn't let you go that easy Ray…"

She takes a step closer.

Raven notices and tries to take a step back but she runs further into the table blocking her from her retreat. "I can't take that risk…" she retorts.

O steps closer, their pelvises now touching.

"Octavia, you don't want _this_." She puts her arms on her shoulders and applies the smallest amount of pressure.

Octavia stops her momentum and furrows her eyebrows, "You have _no_ idea what I want Raven!"

Raven slips out from between the wedge and walks over to the sink to wash her hands, shaking her head and huffs, "YOU don't know either! And I am not going to be _some_ experiment that fades like all your other relationships."

As soon as the words leave her mouth she regrets them. That was a low blow that she knew would hurt Octavia. She lashes out in hopes to end this conversation and stop the rising ache she feels in her stomach to kiss her again.

Raven walks back over to Octavia with the intention of apologizing but just waits.

Octavia steps back stunned at the penetrating words. She feels a burn rising within her. Her fists are clenched and her jaw is tight. She decides what she is going to do before she can back out- she lunges two steps forward and attempts to slap Raven on the cheek.

"Coward!"

Raven's face turns red and grabs Octavia's wrist before she can follow through. She brings her other hand from the other side to make contact but Raven saw it coming and catches her other wrist. Octavia is raging that she can't impact this girl, that she doesn't want her, and that she is right about everything.

She stares into Raven's eyes as they bury into her. She searches for the, 'I'm sorry' but doesn't see it; she sees hunger, madness, and yearning. She thinks to herself, _maybe that's just me projecting myself onto her._

Raven stares at this girl fighting for something she doesn't even know she wants. Her legs surge at the way their bodies are touching—her mind flickers to the arousing way she has control over her in this moment. She bites her lip and stares down at Octavia's gaping mouth.

She notices Raven looking and starts to struggle. Not willing to give her any satisfaction at looking at her face.

"let _GO_.. you don't _get_ to look at me like that!" She twists her wrists and tries to beat on her chest but Raven holds her arms steady.  
"You're broken and you are just mad you can't fix _yourself_!"

At that Raven narrows her brow and grunts in dissatisfaction. She pulls Octavia's arms inward, sending her stumbling flush against her. She shoves O's arms down and holds them firm behind her back as to arrest the girl for assault, she gives her this look that could unarm a soldier and crashes her mouth into her.

Octavia struggles and moans into the kiss.

"Fuck you…" Octavia whispers through the gaps of the intensifying kiss. Raven pulls her arms further back, forcing her chest to bow out. "yeah?...fuck you too…"

She delivers a bruising kiss back to Octavia's mouth and struts her against the bike wheel that is vised to the table. Her legs are in a wide stance- both of Octavia's legs are in between. The wild girl is still fighting her grip when she feels a stabbing pain.

Raven groans and licks her bottom lip. She tastes a metallic saltiness- blood. Octavia bit her, breaking the skin of her lip. After Raven licks the blood away, Octavia crashes herself in for more. Raven bucks into her as she deepens the kiss in exasperation, squeezing really hard at her wrists before letting go.

Octavia brings her hands up to cup Raven's jaw as she angles for more leverage inside. The mechanic lifts her hands to rest on her wrists instead of gripping them and pulls away.

"I can only promise you this moment…I can't…we shouldn't…" Raven whimpers against O's lips, breathing heavy.

Octavia feels that anger build up inside of her and scoffs, pushing Raven away from her. She takes steps passed her—her back facing Raven, and mumbles under her breath, "fucking _coward_ …" as she begins to step further away.

Raven's ears burn at the challenge, she stomps over wrapping one arm around Octavia's neck and the other around her waist over her arms, holding them to her sides. Raven traps her into an embrace like a grapple. She pulls her into her body, "Want to say that to my face…" Her voice is steadfast and determined to shut her up. She waits for Octavia to fight but only gets a low moan into her ear.

" _Oh_ … is _this_ what you've wanted all along?!" tightening her grip as she nips at her neck. Octavia bucks back into her as she feels her teeth skid across her skin.

Raven saunters their bodies back to the table and rams Octavia's front into it. The edge of the table jabs O in her throbbing core, sending out a cry of pleasure. Raven shoves her tools from the area and pushes Octavia to lay flat, slowly pushing her groin into her. She then lies over her back and whispers into her ear, " _Fight_ me if you don't want this…"

Raven grabs a fistful of her hair and slowly tightens her grip as she watches Octavia's face. She doesn't fight it. While holding her hair, she shoves her flannel up on her back to expose those dimples she has always had her eye on. Raven stares down at her bare back and lick her lips. Her eyes travel down to her waist and she sees nail marks on her side, she flickers up to look at Octavia.

"What are these…?"

Octavia looks down and shrugs her shoulders and tries to struggle out of her grip and avoid it. By her reaction Raven knew she had done it to herself. She knew it was a habit of O's to grab her sides when she was nervous or upset. This infuriated Raven a little more but also gave her a tinge of guilt.

 _Yahtzel- High with Me_

She swallows once and then pushes at her head, letting go of her hair with strength, to run both of her hands down the smooth valley of her back.

Octavia's eyes are still wet but they are dark and daring. Her body aches but this time in a good way. She pants at the way Raven is reacting to her-she arches her back to lift her ass further up and into her. This force excites her-sending electricity through her body that she has never felt with guys before. Raven gave her that edge she always sought for.

Octavia reaches her hand down in between her legs to release some of the pressure that has built up, wanting her to see.

Raven _does_ see, and slaps her ass HARD.

 **SMACK**

"A _hhh_!"  
This causes Octavia to scream and yank her hand from traveling down-bracing herself with both hands on the table.

"Don't" Raven curtly demands. It was her turn, she wasn't going to sit by and watch this time.

Wasting no time, she reaches around to unbutton the eager girl's pants and pulls them down to her ankles in one fowl motion revealing a smooth tan ass-not bothering to take them off, she leaves them at her ankles. Raven's heart is beating against her ribs, pumping more oxygen to her brain, and celebrating the long awaited view. Kneeling down with one hand pressing firmly against Octavia's hip to stay put, she glides her other hand on her perfect skin down and then up her legs, to her round ass, and then slides both hands up her back to only drag her nails in from top to bottom. She makes sure to leave red, so she can kiss them gently to heal the pain. Octavia hisses at the sensation and moans into the table.

She kisses and bites all the way up to her neck. Leaving one hand clamping down on the back of O's neck, the other halts at the side of her breast that is squeezing out from the side of her body. Taking it all in, she bends over her- flush to her back- and kisses her shoulder blades. She then glides one hand up to scrape into her hair and scalp.

" _yeah_ …" Octavia whimpers.

Raven smiles into her skin and drags her hand down in between her legs, leaving the other one holding her down by her neck. She feels the wetness on her thighs before she even gets to the center-slick and already inviting to her fingers. She remembers Octavia calling her a coward and slams two fingers into her core with out warning or warm up.

"Fu-" Octavia keens and raises her arms above her, reaching out for the end of the table with out avail. She reaches her hand out to hold onto the bike frame on her left.

Raven pulls out after only three harsh pumps and dances around the opening. She lets go of Octavia's neck and when she is sure she won't move, she wedges them in from the front, dipping them in her hot wet crevice, not quite touching her clit. Octavia squirms at the ineffectiveness of pressure and position of both hands and calls out,  
"Raven _…please…"_

Her plea makes Raven moan, feeling her own clit pulse at the sound of her name from her lips. She leans up over her back to whisper, "I'll show _you_ a coward…"

Octavia groans at the statement, gyrating her hips for something…anything.  
Raven's fingers never leaving the comfort of her warmth, she makes slow circles over her clit and barely presses into her core.

" _ohhhmm_ …" the wild girl groans.

Raven drags those two lingering fingers up and down in her folds before slamming them inside of her tight channel once again. She isn't usually so rough, but Octavia brings this out in her, like she wants it. And Raven is more than glad to give it to her.

O moans loud at the intrusion, welcoming it as she adjusts. Raven feels her throbbing walls from the inside and angles down to find the spot that will torture her in pleasure. Punish her even, for making her feel helpless, for being this perfect thing that she wants to ruin. She thrusts slowly and hard at first, pacing at her clitoris with her plow. But the sight of Octavia's bare ass bent over on her workstation, drives a fire through her belly that she can't ignore. Once she curls her fingers down and gives an especially hard push, Octavia screams and shakes at the sensation.

There's the spot; licking her lips she quickens the pace, fucking hard and fast. Her other hand rubbing with more pressure on her mound. Raven steps one foot back for balance and notices O's hips beckoning, 'more, harder... _faster_!

The harder Raven slams into her, the more Octavia yelps, meeting her thrust with backwards motion.

O starts to feel extremely lightheaded and begins to quiver all over, her skin feathers and every pore seems to split open. Her moans are frequent and gets louder on the verge of screaming at every threshold Raven passes.

Raven is completely wet, listening to this girl scream and moan beneath her. This girl she wants but can't have-shouldn't have. She tries savoring the moment, taking in her smell, her sound, and her body.

She feels the wild girl tightening around her fingers and all the sudden she _really_ wants to taste her. Raven pulls out quickly causing a dissatisfied whine from the girl but in no time at all she violently grabs her hips and flips her over-lifts her ass onto the table and spreads her knees with her hands as she latches her mouth on her pulsating mound. She sucks at it hard while finding her way back inside of her with three fingers this time.

"Ssss...Uhh!"

Octavia is avidly surprised at the ease in which Raven just managed her. She hisses and grunts as she tries to spread her legs to take the new width, falling back landing on a few wrenches and bolts but doesn't give a fuck,  
 _Fuck this feels so damn good…_

Her eyes trace the back of her skull as she squirms to brace herself. All she can do is scratch the wooden top of the table and scream,

" _Raven_...ohmygod!"

The mechanic makes work of her clit, flicking her tongue firmly-relaxing it into a flat lapping motion, and repeats while thrusting her fingers deep inside, feeling the fluttering of her insides against her fingertips. The rev of this girl resonates with her to her core. She feels her own belly rising in heat, as she thrusts her hips at the air-watching Octavia writhe under her control.

"yeah, _Fuck_ me Ra— _Ahhh_!"  
Raven bites at her clit before aiding it with a twist of the tongue. The static flows across Octavia's whole body as the burn inside of her rises into her organs. She can't hold on to the ball in her belly and lets it fly over her and into her, under, above and back through, down to her core. This sends her into an arching orgasm that possesses her whole body. Raven's three fingers are trapped inside as her walls close in on them. She flicks hard at her clit with her tongue, watching her squirm. _Mmmm, my god…_ she thinks as she observes.

" _Shit_ …" Octavia bangs her fist on the table as the other one holds tight on the frame of the motorcycle and turns on her side shaking uncontrollably—Raven still in between her.

Slowing her thrusts inside, she removes her fingers and proceeds to lick her to a calm. Lapping slowly from her clit to the inside of her entrance as if apologizing to it for her behavior. She keeps doing this at a steady pace, not letting her fully relax.  
Octavia moans in surprise,

"I'm going to— _again!_ "

Raven smiles into her opening and continues with an increased but delicate rhythm. She focuses on the clit until she is on the edge and then moves to focus on thrusting her tongue deep inside of her lifting it up to push against the soft pink lining that sits just inside. She stays there, shoving her tongue in and out. Her hand moves from her thigh to pinch and push at her clit. Octavia doesn't hesitate and grunts out a convulsing shout and grabs herself in reaction.

"Ohhhh…"Raven moans into her with pure elation as she feels her self have an orgasm in reaction.

She lifts her head out from between her legs and kisses her thigh before she leans down to pull O's panties up with her pants and leaves them around her thighs.  
Octavia doesn't move-she just breathes and gasps,

"I…I was wrong…"

Raven's ears perk up and she crawls up toward Octavia's face.

"...What was that?"

Octavia smiles her eyes still closed-licks her lips and swallows to aid her dry throat.

"…You aren't a coward."

Raven smiles with contentment and kisses her neck. "I know."

Raven doesn't care to wipe her face off yet and sits back on the stool next to the table-her arms and legs aching with exhaustion. She grabs her glass full of the Dalmore and takes a huge swig, it burns but she always liked how it felt. She watches Octavia's stomach move as she breathes. Her overalls now soaked because she isn't wearing any underwear. She feels herself and pulls back out.  
 _Fuck…  
_

 _Pixies- Where is my Mind (Efix & Maugan Kenward)_

She starts thinking inwardly and realizes she blurred the line she had drawn and has to pull away from Octavia again. She can't keep doing this. The girl on the table turns her head toward the mechanic and notices her deep thought. She shuts her eyes tight and lifts herself up off the table to straighten up and buttons her pants.

Octavia hops down and sighs knowingly this was in the moment.

They catch each other's eyes and hold each other there for minutes-grinning.

"O…" Raven barely gives her voice merit.

"I know…we _can't_ " Octavia breathes-except the venom isn't there, the sadness isn't even there. Its understanding Raven hears. This eases her pain only marginally. Octavia strolls over to the slouched Raven and extends her hand. She looks up to a girl smiling, she takes the hand and sets her glass down. O lifts her up and brings her in for an embrace. They hug tightly.

Raven turns her head to wedge in between Octavia's neck and her jawline.

"I'm sorry…"

Octavia is the one to say it this time. Knowing it was her who pushed them to this edge. And it was her who isn't truly sure and who would mess this up. She knows Raven is protecting her and her own heart, she understands.

"I always want you in my life, and if it's being your best friend Ray…that is more than enough for me. You're right… It would be unfair to you and our friends if we aren't sure."

Hearing those words breaks Raven and she starts to cry. A part of her wanted Octavia to be sure; to shove her down and convince her they could work. She wanted it but knew it wasn't the right time. Her arms grip into Octavia's back and she lets it all out. She sobs in to Octavia, letting out the hopeless and helpless feelings- tears fall. This is what she wanted and needed last night-her best friend. When she walked in to her bedroom, that is not who she felt she had. She didn't know what they had become but the old comfort she felt when in her room wasn't there. But she feels it now and missed it so much.

O holds her tight, letting a few tears escape. She understands that Raven needed her. In this moment she gets why Raven said sorry and why she was struggling with their physical steps forward—why she left last night.

 _She needs me.  
_  
Raven eventually succumbs to silence, her breathing hitches as she calms. She pulls away gently and nods her head in agreement. "I love you Octavia."

Octavia's eyes begin to overflow and she almost breaks but clenches her fist and lightly punches Raven's arm, "love you too _asshole_." She hisses and pulls her hand into the comfort of her other hand. She had forgotten about her busted knuckles. Raven notices and grabs her arm to inspect her hand, when Octavia groans and pulls her arm away from her grip, Raven's head shot up in speculation.

"What the hell happened O?" Raven grabs her by the shoulder and lifts her sleeve to find a bandage on her arm. As her eyes look from her arm to her knuckles, her eyes widen with sadness.

Octavia sighs and shrugs her shoulders, "It is not what you think. Its kind of funny actually…"

Raven stares at her still holding her arm in concern.

"Clarke walked into the living room _butt-ass_ naked and I was so startled I literally fell off the counter knocking the Chemex on the ground before falling into the glass on the floor…" Octavia chuckles and pulls her arm out of Raven's hands.

"I'm fine."

Raven smiles at the thought of Clarke naked, "Lucky _dog_ , I wish I had stayed now."

O jerked her head back in betrayal and pushed Raven playfully, "gross! Raven…"

She smirks at her reaction, "So you landed on your knuckles and rolled around in it or what?" Octavia twisted her mouth and sighed at the question. Raven was almost too observant.

They both laugh through wet eyes and like that-are back to being who they had been. Of course now something has changed; they felt the flame that raged between them. It can't be snuffed out that easily. Raven can feel it but knows what should be done. Octavia feels it but knows she isn't completely sure. So for now, it's better to have this…just this.

"I might have punched a mirror before that…"

"Octavia!"

"What! You had just left a cryptic 'I'm sorry' on my pillow and didn't show up for-what I thought was an important thing…"

Raven bowed her head and hated herself in that moment. She never wants to cause Octavia any harm or feelings in her to harm herself. She steps toward Octavia and gently lifts her wounded hand up to her mouth. She kisses each of her knuckles softly and utters,

"I _am_ sorry… I didn't meant to hurt you"

Octavia melts a little at the sweet gesture and looks into Raven's eyes that appear dilated and rounder than normal. She slowly takes her hand back and inches away.

"You didn't… I hurt myself, it was stupid…" She says turning away to look at anything but her.

Raven stood there watching, wishing things were different. But she steps sideways toward her worktable and starts picking up all the supplies that had fallen to the floor during their encounter.

"I am going to work on my bike, but you're welcome to stay and hang out…if you want."

O doesn't say anything; she just shuffles to the couch grabbing a magazine and plops down. Raven looks back at her, wearing a lasting smile as she gets to work. There is a comfort that floats within her now, lulling her anxiety of how things were starting to seem. It was the return of her control as the pressure evanesced.


	17. Chapter 17

**-CH. 17 Go for It but Wait**

Clarke is grabbing letters that have been piling up about to walk out her front door, when Lexa pulls her back in for a kiss. She loves being littered with kisses, especially when she has to do something and Lexa won't let her using her lips. But right now, she is late for work and has been trying to wiggle free to get ready for the past hour and a half.

"Lexa I have to go…I should have left thirty minutes ago!" she giggles at the nibbles Lexa is leaving her.

"But didn't you like those thirty minutes… weren't they better spent riding me than riding in the car wishing you were?"

Clarke rolls her eyes and pushes her off, shaking her head. "Behave yourself! Bellamy will be here in a few to pick you up to search for O. Can you please try to get a long for me?"

Lexa huffs and trots to sit on the couch, "I will try but he is such an _asshole_ Clarke."

Clarke kisses in the air, "Thank you. I'll see you later, be back around 6 for game night!"

She shuts the door and Lexa can hear her singing to herself while she walks to her scooter. The corners of her mouth perk up as she leans back into the cushions, when the notion she has to spend the next few hours in Bell Hell returns. 

_Stealers Wheel- Stuck in the Middle With You_

Lexa decides to do some push up and sit-ups while she waits for him to arrive. She had accomplished three sets of 25 push-ups and three sets of 50 crunches, when she hears a honk from the front of the yard. He was late.

"Asshole" she mutters to herself as she jumps up and looks out the window. Bellamy is sitting in his black Jeep Wrangler, blasting some rock music. Lexa rolls her eyes and grabs the grey sweatshirt and walks slowly out the front door. The breeze hits her sweat-laced body and she gasps at the cool chill that riddled her spine. Wriggling Clarke's sweatshirt on, she approaches his car and opens the door to hop in.

"Did you bring O's phone with you?"

"Yeah, I got it right here. Why do we need it again?"

Bellamy turns down the radio and shifts into drive. "We are doing some investigating. Alright Watson, look to see what the last thing she said in her messages was."

"Umm… I don't feel comfortable snooping like that. If she wanted us to know where she was, wouldn't she have told us?"

He looked at her with a grin and shrugged his shoulders, "Alright, I guess we won't find her and you'll have to tell Clarke _you_ didn't do everything you could. We could just go grab a bite to eat and _say_ we searched." He looked at her from the corner of his eye, gauging the affect of his taunt.

Lexa crinkled her nose and new he was challenging her, no way she was going to let it be her fault that they couldn't find her.

 _Asshole._

She hit the home button and a passcode screen came up, "It's locked, guess we can't invade her privacy." She said with stain.

Bellamy smirked at her assent and said, "Try triple zero seven."

Lexa looked at him funny and then typed it in, the home screen popped up and she had full access.

"How did you know her passcode?"

"Haha, she loved James Bond growing up. She probably has that same password on anything that requires numbers. Okay, so look into her messages and see if there is a clue as to where she might have gone."

Lexa cooperates and hits her message app and the last one was to Raven.

"The last message was sent by Raven and it said 'I need to see you'"

After hearing that, he pressed harder on the gas, "To Ravens we go then!"

Lexa doesn't feel right prying into other people's private life. She has always been a private person herself and if anyone were digging through her stuff to find her, she would not like that very much. She sinks into her seat and stares out of the window the rest of the way to Ravens. Bellamy doesn't attempt to make small talk; he just turns up the radio and drums his thumbs on the steering wheel.

The car rolls to an abrupt stop throwing Lexa's chin off of her palm where it was resting, she braces herself on her knees and darts a glaring look at Bellamy.

"Here!" He quacks at her stopping the car harshly on purpose at an attempt to jolt her out of her constant serious behavior. But the only reason Lexa seemed so serious was that every time she encountered Bellamy he was hitting on Clarke in some way. Every fucking time, she noticed.

"Lighten up Lexa, 'why so serious?'" He says in his best joker impersonation. Lexa rolls her eyes and hops out of the Jeep.

They walk up to her front door and Bellamy knocks loudly calling out Octavia's name. No one answers so he tries the knob and it opens. Looking back to Lexa with a raised brow he enters. Lexa's face is tense and she can't relax because none of what they are doing is what she wants to be doing. Now, they are breaking into Raven's home disturbing her right to keep private. It doesn't feel right but she presses onward in competition to appease Clarke.

"Raven?" Bellamy calls and waits, walking slowly.

"Octaviaahhh?!" He yells while batting at some low hanging Edison light bulbs dangling from cords above the table in what Lexa views as the dining area.

No one answers but Lexa hears the faint sound of music coming from the back of the house. She signals to Bellamy to listen and he hears it too. He leads the way and they make their way toward the back. A door is closed with a metal license plate hanging that said Reyes stamped out on it. Bellamy opens the door to find stairs leading down into a basement. As they descend, the music gets louder and the sound of tools clunking around emits.

"Hey Ray!" Bellamy says as he jumps down from the last step. She is hovering over bike parts and looks like she is trying extra hard to concentrate. Raven looks up in complete surprise darting her eyes from Bellamy to Lexa.

"What the hell. How did you guys get in here?"

No one sees Octavia yet, stashed away in the corner of the room with a magazine over her face. She lies still, hoping they wouldn't see her.

"Maybe… _Just_ maybe… You could answer your phone... And you wouldn't have caring concerned friends showing up on your doorstep. Besides front door was unlocked, you should really think about locking that thing. You have got _nice_ digs Reyes." Bellamy says while looking around, touching everything he walks by.

Raven glares at him, not liking her stuff being handled.

"I didn't leave—" she cuts herself off and looks over at Octavia.

"Did you pick my lock O?!" Octavia slaps the magazine down onto her thighs and sneers at the reveal of her presence.

"I don't know, I blacked out!" she lied as she lifts herself up off the couch.

"SIS! You're alive!" Bellamy jogs over to her and traps her in a huge embrace, lifting her up off the ground.

"Ow, Yeah yeah what's it to you? Why you here?" O huffs out, not being able to move in his arms, let alone breathe well. Her cuts begin to sear with pain, this time not feeling good at all. Since the pain inside of her as subsided, she realizes how bruised and cut up she really is.

As Octavia and Bellamy struggle and bicker at each other, Lexa saunters over to Raven's bike and observes her work.

"Nice scrambler—500 Enfield, detabbed, extended backbone… Wow, you're just redesigning the whole thing! You getting rid of the EFI system, huh? Lexa asks while tapping an old Honda tank that sits near by.

Raven's eyes widen and her mouth shoots into a large grin.

"Woods! You know about motorcycles?!"

Lexa laughs, "Yeah, I used to love hanging around the cool kids Anya brought around. They would go all terrain and we would ride along to watch them tear up fields, roads, forests, pretty much anything they can test their creations on. I liked it and worked on a few myself." Anya always had a boyfriend when they were younger, though none of them lasted for more than a month. They would be the independent, grungy leather jacket, gear head type of guys. Lexa never really liked her choices but the fact that they would let her ride their motorcycles mattered more than her disapproval. Wherever Anya went, Lexa wasn't far behind. She knew Anya could take care of herself but she never left her side. She also knew that Anya only dated so many guys was to manipulate them into letting them stay on their floor or on the couch. Passed a certain age when they couldn't stay in the system shelters, they had nowhere else to turn. So Anya did the only thing she knew how to take care of them, attract men. They don't talk about that time much, more like not at all. But being around Raven's garage den has brought a few memories flooding back.

Raven gets up and walks over to show her what she had done and what she wants to do to the bike with excitement. She finally has someone in her shop that has some knowledge. At that moment Lexa had shot up to the top of her liked list. Before she dangled by a thread due to the tumultuous path she had with Clarke. Raven always felt she was stiff and never could really relax. The past few days seemed different but nothing really encouraged her to make an effort. She tolerated her for the sake of Clarke. Now it seems they could actually get somewhere.

-

"I am here because Clarke called me. She was worried about you…" Bellamy lifts Octavia's hand to see her blood crusted knuckles.

She pulls back with frustration and rolls her eyes, "Does everyone have to meddle in my business! It's not a big deal. I'm fine."

Bellamy looks at her for a second then turns his gaze around the room,

"I know. It's just these women…they love you and they _should_ be concerned. You punched a mirror and then bled all over the kitchen. If that isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is." He retorts sarcastically and playfully, knowing she really was okay.

Octavia smacks him instead of punching him because her dominant punching hand is on reserve for now.

"Shut up, I fell off the counter on accident. Did Clarke tell you?" concealing a smile as she recalls the look on Clarke's face. Bellamy rubbed his arm pretending her slap did any damage, "She said you punched a mirror and you fell off the counter into some glass and cut yourself. That's about it."

Octavia chuckles, "She walked into the room butt naked and scared me off the counter sending me to my immanent death. Did she leave that part out?"

Bellamy holds his stomach, laughing as he fell into the couch right next to her.  
"She scared you huh? Is it that bad? Does she have some witchy nipples or something? Hahahaha"

Octavia kicks his knee and laughs, "No! haha she just startled me, like I'm sitting on the counter and I look up and BOOBS!" She animated the word boobs with her hands while falling back into the couch. "I shielded my eyes from the headlights and lost my balance is all."

Bellamy and Octavia laugh so hard they start tearing up, "What was she doing in the living room naked anyway?" Bellamy asks intrigued.

Octavia looks up over the couch to Lexa and raises her eyebrows. Bellamy follows her eyes and sees Lexa smiling next to Raven as she adjusts something on the bike, talking a million miles a minute.

"Oh." He says dryly, adjusting his sitting position on the couch and straightening his jeans by pulling at the knees. Octavia notices and lifts her legs to place them across his lap. "They are in love Bells, you should be happy for her."  
Bellamy glances up to her and smiles. She leans forward and pats him on the back before popping up and walking over to see what the girls were up to.

"And here I fabricated a panel to house this Motoscope Mini speedo I will put here and I tweaked the frame to house this old Honda unit I found. I want to move the battery to a battery box back here. I'll have to hand-make that."

Octavia comes in on Raven rambling on about the bike with Bellamy following close behind her.

"You girls talking shop huh? Is she bothering you Lexa with all her motor-babble?"

Raven threw her a dirty look and smiled at the prod.

"haha no, I actually like motorcycles. I know a bit about them. I would love to come help you work on this, Raven. I bet it has taken you forever by yourself."

Raven shrugs her shoulders, "I actually like taking my time. It's something that I like to do and being meticulous and deliberate makes me feel good. I control everything. You can definitely come help me…as long as you do exactly what I say." Raven winks at her and moves around her bike to pick up a towel to wipe her hands.

"Deal!" Lexa says, happy to have potential plans with Raven. She never felt truly connected to them but saw how close they were with Clarke. She envied the closeness she witnessed over the summer, only ever experiencing something like that with Anya. Even then it was more about survival. Lexa felt a warming sensation in her heart at the potential of having them as her friends. She was never good at letting people in and sticking around long enough to have that kind of closeness. She liked them.

"Oh, I almost forgot… here O." Lexa hands Octavia her phone that she had placed in her back pocket.

"Thanks Lexa. Okay, so…how mad is Clarke at me?" She asks through squinted eyes.

"Haha she isn't _mad_ at you O, she is just really worried. She was running around the house after our shower and couldn't find you so her mind went all motherly." Lexa made it a point to say 'our shower' as to verbalize her territory over Clarke. Glancing at Bellamy for any reaction.

Bellamy purses his lips but just stays silent, grabbing tools off of the table, inspecting them and Raven snatching them away from him and setting them back down.

"Okayyy! Every body out, this is _my_ sanctuary! Not one of you turds was extended an invitation, so you're not welcome. Lets go, lets go…" Raven had finally reached her breaking point and wanted her Zen arena to stay her Zen arena. She proceeded to shoo everyone up the stairs. She waits as everyone single filed by her, first Bellamy, Lexa, and Octavia. She grabs her phone across the room and runs up behind them. She makes sure to step up real close to Octavia and whispers,

"Except you."

Octavia didn't turn around but sported an ear-to-ear grin that Raven saw by the strain of her neck. She turns off the light at the top of the stairs and shuts her den door.

"Lets all go back to Octavia's place and hang out until game night." Bellamy says, tapping at a hanging plant near the kitchen.

"Oh my _god_ LETS!" Raven exacerbated, as she pushes Bellamy toward the door.

"We will meet you guys there." Octavia says to Lexa and Bellamy as she lingers behind. Raven glances at her, a different tone in her voice but she shrugs it off by waving the two out of the front before she looks down at the door. Inspecting it to see if Octavia picked the lock, she knelt down and looks from the outside keyhole and saw scrape marks around it.

"You _did_ pick my lock, you little hoodlum!"  
Octavia traces the floor with her foot, her head hanging a bit low as she bit her lip.

"I _did_ …"

Raven stares at her adorable attempt to be bashful and it's doing things to her that she doesn't want to stand up quite yet. She stays crouched as the tug in her core finishes running through her.

"Uhm…Did you even knock?"

Octavia lowers her head even more and shook her head. Raven shut the door and wraps her head in her arms forming a headlock and pinched her nose.

"You're lucky you're my favorite or I'd totally kick your ass!"

"ahhh hey!" Octavia squirms out of the headlock and rubs her nose with a narrow glare. Discouraged at the very sisterly affection she just gave her.

Raven throws her hands up in surrender and backs away into the kitchen with a laugh to grab some game night party favors. She wants things to go back to the way they were, fun and free. Trying a little too hard she calls out,

"Hey O, should I bring this bottle of tequila that's been sitting up here for a while or this blue shit that I never liked, Hpnotiq?" She waits for an answer but didn't get one. Confused she walks out into the hallway with both bottles in her hand.

"O?" she looks around and doesn't see her. 

_Mansionair- Hold Me Down_

"Where did you go?" Raven put the bottles down on the foyer table her eyes darting around. She passes her dining area walking slowly, almost cautiously because something was off and she feels like she is about to discover what that might be. Raven finds Octavia is standing in the living room looking at pictures that Raven has scattered in her entertainment center she built from scrap wood. It has cubbies of all different sizes, each one with something different placed inside of it.

"You remember when we took this?" Octavia asks looking at a picture of them years ago on Cocoa beach of Florida, her face not upset but it seems to be missing something. Raven walks over and sets her chin on O's shoulder for comfort.

"Ohh yeah, that was hell," she says with a slight smile.

"What? You had fun, shut up." Octavia slightly turns her head to look at Raven so close but doesn't move much because she likes her there.

"I was stung by a jelly fish and spent the better half of the day with your pee on my leg, let alone sand in my butt crack. SO FUN," Raven laughs leaning her head against Octavia's in assurance that she, in actuality, did have fun. The sight of Octavia's ass in her face was more than enough cause to have a good time. She was impressed on the speed in which she dropped trow to tend to her pain.

"You didn't hesitate to pee on me either, haha you told me to hold still and stripped down and squatted right then and there!" Raven chuckles at the memory.

Octavia smiles and snickers at the thought. They gaze at the other pictures swaying back and forth, almost unknowingly. Raven made sure her hands were pressed tightly together in front of her as to not cross any more lines but as soon as she started to pull away she felt two hands wrap around her wrists. Octavia can't rid herself of this free falling feeling. That if she doesn't reach out and grab something she might just lose herself. So she reaches behind her and grabs Raven's arms and pulls them around her stomach, holding them there—holding her there.

"Octavia…" Raven breathes out as she tenses, not moving an inch—not pulling away.

O turns around inside Raven's arms with out a word and before she knew it her arms were tangled around her neck and deep green was engulfing her. Raven's arms are tense and loosely strewn around the girl, her hands tangled together not letting them take hold.

"What?" She whispers, centimeters from Raven's lips and before she could respond, Octavia takes them into hers. The kiss was incredibly soft, gentle and so full of need that Raven forgot to breathe let alone move her lips. And before she knew it Octavia was pulling away—immediately finding herself missing them there.

"Can we just go really _really_ slow?" Octavia asks, kissing her again not waiting for a response. This time making it even more sensual, if that is possible. She slides her tongue along her bottom lip and sucks at it kindly. Her tongue laps and licks until she lets go with a graze of her teeth. She feels Raven's breathing quicken and her heart pounding against her own chest-she knows that she wants it too or at least that she likes when she does that.

Raven's brain has retreated into the deep crevices of her cranium. Her ears are throbbing full of blood and her mouth is dry. She can't function properly when she is kissed like that. Her knees start to give up on her and turn into jelly as her head fogs up completely, and just like that she fees out of control again.

"Uhh.." She pauses, not being able to grasp the concept of words yet. _This girl is throwing herself at you and all you can say is Uhh? Come on…_ _  
_Raven's heart cannot stop thrashing around in its cage-yelling at her to let it out.

"Like really really really really—" she kisses her again mid sentence causing Raven's arms to relax and fold hard around her. She lets out a small sigh and tightens her grip in reaction. She waits for Raven to take a breath and her lips to separate. She slips her tongue inside to battle the reservation. She lifts her legs off the ground, using her arms against her shoulders to successfully bind her legs around Raven's hips to deepen the kiss. Raven drops her arms to support her instinctually and realizes she has to grab her ass to do so- a moan escapes Raven's throat.

"You call _this_ slow?" Raven whispers into her mouth, pressing her lips against the pink once again, not being able to resist the taste of her lips. They kiss for a while longer.

"This is just a prologue; I promise the story will go really really really really—" she fades into another kiss, giving a little thrust and a whine to seal the deal.

 _ohmy shiiiiit…_ Raven's knees are seriously mush right now and she fake collapses on to the floor, holding Octavia against her as she falls onto her back and plays dead. She lets go of Octavia once safely on the ground and her arms splay behind her head—eyes closed.

"You're killing me woman…"

Octavia laughs out loud and feels giddiness inside of her. This is fun and it fills her up with tingles that burn if she doesn't let them out.

"But really really slowly…" Octavia says against her lips, kissing her dead best friend on the floor. "No, but really Ray..." She confesses, straddling the mechanic. "I like being this close to you and it felt almost torturous to not be. I don't expect anything more than this, we can be best friends with just a little extra flare and if you don't want it tell me and vice versa. You can date whoever you want and I will too…" She slows down on the last part but still says it because if she didn't she knew Raven would probably not go for it.

"I know you like this…" Octavia thrusts into her making Raven bite her lip.

"Uhh, Oct—" She gets interrupted by a hard kiss.

"Octav—"

Octavia interrupts her with another chaste kiss and lifts up waiting for the answer she wants to hear.

"You aren't going to—"

"Sto—" She kisses her long and deep, letting her know she won't take no for an answer. She lays her body flush on top of Raven and gentles the kiss, sliding her tongue easily over and under as she sucks her bottom lip, only to turn her head to shove her tongue in deeper- returning to that lip and bites it.

"ow…" Raven feels her lip throbbing from the bust Octavia had given it earlier. She feels needles all over her skin, dancing around and sending shockwaves down into her core. She shuts her eyes and can feel her toes curl, every time this girl kisses her like that.

"I'm no—"

"I don't thi—"

"Mayb—"

Raven is smiling and doing it on purpose now, knowing what she wants to hear and saying everything except that just to get more kisses. Octavia notices she is doing it on purpose and whines at her to give up. Raven brings her hands from the grip of the carpet and tightens her fingers on her waist. She inhales a deep breath, thinking about the compromise and decides it _could_ work but only if they go really really really slow. She doesn't want to rush into it without thinking. Since Octavia seems to really want this, Raven re-thinks the lines and decides to push them back a little bit.

"Fine," Raven says through gritted teeth.

Octavia crashes another kiss into her with a giddy smile. Raven's hands find their way to her lower back and she sits them up all the way, Octavia now sitting in her lap.

"But we have to take it really really really—" Octavia scoots in and kisses her swiftly-

"really slow.. yes?" She finishes her sentence. Raven rolls her eyes, lunges forward and kisses her hard, now on top of the girl. Octavia's legs are still wrapped around her tight as Raven dry humps into her for one last taste before it was to go slow. They giggle and right then they agree to be best friends but with a little more flare.

Raven taps Octavia's butt, "Okay miss bossy, we gotta go though. They will send another search party after you if you don't show up to your own house."

Octavia leans in, kisses Raven's nose and pushes her thigh into her core. "oh.." Raven feels herself pulsate at the tease and tenses. O watches her close her eyes and moan. Satisfied, she slides out from underneath her pleased with her work and extends a helping hand "You need some help there?"

Raven laughs at what just happened and shakes her head in disbelief, "You're relentless."

"I know," she says smugly, feeling a lot better leaving it like this. It just feels better. Octavia can't stop thinking about being on that table with Raven handling her body. She had never felt that fire before and didn't want to stop exploring it.

-

Raven changes her clothes and decides to bring both bottles of liquor. Walking out the front door she locks it and checks to see if it stays locked. Octavia waits for her near the garage.

"Just checking to see if you broke it," she says while practically bouncing to her garage at the side of her house.

"Har har, I know how to pick a lock correctly. You taught me, remember! I Just haven't had much practice lately."

Raven smiles and tilts her head. "I am starting to regret that I did. I'll have to get a door guardian lock to keep you out." She says while pressing her code into her garage security pad. The garage door opens, revealing a small garage that has two cars inside. One is covered and the other one sits in front of them.

Octavia pouts, walks around the car and leans against the passenger side of Raven's Camaro waiting for her to unlock it. Raven rescued a 1968 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 RS Coupe in a junkyard when she had been looking for parts for her metal work. It was in horrific condition, but the chasse and body were in tact, nothing she couldn't fix. So she restored her to its original glory, found all original parts, and painted her a deep red-orange with the iconic thick black stripes down it. She put blood sweat and tears into this girl naming her Alie, the Commander of the Road.

"Easy there, Alie doesn't like when other girls touch her with out _my_ permission." Raven lures.

Octavia bites the bait and as Raven makes her way to the driver's side, Octavia turns toward her and stares into her eyes as she licks along the top of the car.

"How does _she_ like that?"

Raven swallows, blankly staring in to the wild girl's eyes that stare back with zeal. She elicits a grin and rolls her eyes bending down to get in the car but waits before unlocking the passenger side. Her mind is racking itself. _Calm down… Slow Raven, breathe…_ Octavia bends down gradually to peer through the window, knocks once, and kisses the glass delicately. Raven sighs and leans across the car to unlock her side. _Fuck…_

"Will you _please_ stop making out with Alie?" _Or I will fuck the shit out of you against her._

"Jealous?" Octavia says as she slides into the passenger seat and leans her face in across the middle. "hmm?"

She has been in Raven's car a few times but inhales deeply. Loving the smell of the leather mixed with Raven's scent. She admires the way Raven sits deep in the seat with one arm on the wheel. She always wears her Ray Ban aviators that sit perfectly on her face. Octavia watches her slide the frames on and looks her up and down. Raven is wearing a red leather motorcycle jacket over a tight fitted white shirt with dark denim jeans that hung just right on her small waist. Her fryer boots pressing on the clutch as one hovers over the gas, Octavia's clit purrs in yearning.  
 _Mmmm…  
_  
Raven notices Octavia staring at her writhing in her seat and with out saying a word, she starts her car up and turns on the stereo. She wants to warm the engine up so she focuses on finding a song that will make her writhe even more. Raven recently installed a subwoofer that cradles on the backseat floor. She rarely lets anyone ride in the car anyway, let alone pile into the back seat so it's a perfect spot to arouse girls in the hot seat. She looks over to Octavia with a wide grin, chooses a song with a deep beat, and cranks up the volume. 

_Pretty Lights- Hot Like Sauce_

The bass kicks and vibrates their chairs as the first beat hits, Octavia gasps in complete surprise of the feeling of her seat against her. She feels her bones rattle and her organs tremble. Her heart feels like its being resuscitated from the new force countering it's beat. Raven smiles and revs the engine as the beat hits over and over again. The car is wild and alive, shaking at the attention it's getting.

Raven bites her lip and watches the wild girl next to her. Octavia starts to laugh and inhale deeply while rubbing the black leather seat that hugs her thighs. The feeling of a good system and the roar of a muscle car is an experience unrivaled. She stretches her hands up to the ceiling; drum rolls on it and howls at the excitement that surrounds her. The look in her eyes is of sheer elation, she feels free and excited for what's to come. They both are riding the high they feel with the newfound level up in their friendship.

Raven laughs and reaches one arm behind Octavia's seat, to look out the back window when Octavia turns her head and kisses her arm—she grins and slams the car in reverse, sending them out into the street. She turns the wheel, changes gears and presses on the gas. They whip into drive and fly down the street. Raven intends to thrill the fuck out of the girl next to her, she floors her 302ci engine, kicking that 290 horsepower into full throttle, and makes it 0 to 60 in 6 seconds down her long street.

"YOWWW!" Octavia yells as she rolls down her window and sticks her head out. __

Most people freak out when she pulls that stunt, but Octavia wants to fling her head out the window and howl to the moon. This amps Raven up as she changes gears and dangerously yet controllably careens down winding roads—a huge smile takes over her face. Alie accelerates like a beast with its rear wheel drive and Raven is so used to driving it that it's second nature handling her around the bends. After a while she slows down to safely get them to Clarke's but _damn_ Octavia looked good in her passenger seat, taking it all in with the amount of thrill she wanted to evoke in her. She is eating it up.

"How was that for you?" Raven asks, turning down the stereo.

Octavia is breathing heavily and hasn't stopped smiling the whole way. "OH _mygod_ Raven… it was like an orgasm!" Her face is bright and hopeful like a sun on the horizon. Raven lifts an eyebrow and bites her lip gripping the steering wheel harder.

This car was amazing and Octavia finally understood why she was so protective of it. It was not _just_ a car it was an experience. And what is life but a bunch of experiences laced together with memories. She decided that this was one of her favorite ones and vows never to forget it.

As they were nearing the Houston Hut-Raven floors it again and the radio was back to blasting. She had practiced her parking skid, and wanted to take this last chance to thrill Octavia. She abruptly slows down to 15 miles an hour; tossing O around in the seat was really fun for Raven. Any chance she gets she tries to throw her off her guard. And when they pull onto her wide street she sees a nice spot in between two parked cars on the left side. She increases her speed and Octavia looks at her in confusion laced with a little gleam of ' _fuck yeah'_.

Octavia keeps her eyes glued to Raven and watches her muscles flex as her arm shift gears, her legs lifting up and pushing down. She raises her hand out the window and grips the top of the car in anticipation. _No way.. is she gonna..AHH—_ she braces herself as everything in the car is flinging the opposite direction of the car. All the sudden they are skidding and whipping hard into the parking spot right across from the Hut. O's heart hasn't stopped pumping blood like it's trying to prove its worth to the rest of her body. Chalk full of adrenaline, her eyes darken and her heels dig into the floorboard. Raven turns to find her staring at her with fire in her eyes. Octavia was breathing heavily and held a hungry look in her eye. Raven watches her calmly as her chest rises and falls, waiting—then her eyes go wide.

Octavia was so turned on-she leapt across the column and straddles Raven into a rough and gnarly kiss. Her hair is savage from the wind as she takes Raven's face in between her hands and nearly tongue fucks her in pure elation. Raven revs the car at each thrust of Octavia's tongue inside of her. The music still blaring, they were riding that high _hard_. The beat is vibrating their bodies together as the engine shakes in delight. Raven shifts into neutral, puts on the emergency break and wraps her arms around her waste pulling her heated center closer to her stomach. One hand sneaks down and grabs under her ass.

"Mmmm, I knew you'd like that ride…" Raven moans into her mouth.  
Octavia responds by running her hands through Raven's hair and gripping tight at the base of her neck and groans,

"As I know you like this…"

She moves her hips up and down continuing the kiss passionately, never wanting this moment to end. Octavia increases her speed with her hips and her lips. Raven feels the tingles in her assemble, ready to charge to her core for battle. _Ohhfuckyeah…wait.. wait… fuck…_ She reaches out and turns off the engine, shutting of the music and the verb simultaneously. She then caresses Octavia's back and breaths out, "slow… remember?" Grinning up at her because she knows damn well how hard she is making it for her.  
 _  
Cocky little shit._ Octavia scoffs at her iron restraint with hooded eyes as Raven opens the door and waits for her to hop out. The wild girl growls at the dismissal, rolls off from on top of her and steps out of the car.  
Raven can feel herself, wet and throbbing, as she shifts in her seat. She exhales slowly before stepping out of the car. _Fucking hell…_ She can't believe she cut that short but her mind speaks louder than her heart. For most people it is the opposite but she can't let herself go just yet.

-

 _Kings of Leon- Camaro_

Lexa hears loud music and screeching tires outside and looks at Bellamy who is playing super Nintendo on the floor. It has taken Octavia and Raven a long time to arrive and Lexa has been anticipating their arrival, not wanting to spend another alone minute with Bellamy.

"That's probably Raven showing off." He says nonchalantly, never taking his eyes off the video game.

Lexa turns around on the couch and lifts to her knees to look out the blinds. She sees a kick ass '68 Camaro and her eyes increase in size, "She owns a '68 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 RS coupe?!" She asks, looking back down to Bellamy.

He shrugs his shoulders, "I guess."

Lexa glares at him in affirmation that he is _not_ a man and leaps off the couch to go see it in person. She bounds outside and slows her walk when she notices Octavia getting out of the same side as Raven. She cocks her head to the side and smiles at the resolution they have come to. More interested in the car, she approaches with titillation.

Raven shuts her car door and sees Lexa walking up with gawking eyes. She perks up at the opportunity to show her baby off. "She is a beauty isn't she?" she struts up next to Lexa as she observes the restore job.

Octavia rolls her eyes, "Enjoy your threesome, I am going inside."

Raven waves her on distractingly as she watches Lexa move around Alie.

"All original parts?"

Raven nods, "Except the M22 Rock Crusher 4-speed I put in. A little better than the M21 that comes stock, obviously."

Lexa smiles and further inspects, not touching, just looking. Raven notices the respect she has for machines and admires her a little more.

"302/290, 0 to 60 in 5.5, 1st gen Z/28 coupe… Damn Raven, how could you afford this?"

Raven lights up as Lexa rolls the specs at her- _this girl gets it!  
_  
"I found the body in a junkyard tucked away in the corner, I spotted it and _had_ to have it. The owner wasn't too happy on selling as he promised himself one day he would work on it. But I was persistent. I restored it over the course of a few years emptying my bank account a few times but I got it done and it was worth it. Want to see under the skirt?"

Lexa nods and then shakes her head at the fact that Raven is amazing.

"You are amazing Ray, I mean damn…this is a job well done." Raven had popped the lid and they are both tucked under the hood trying to escape the cold wind, gazing at her handy work-talking about torque and fuel systems.

Clarke pulls up the driveway in her Piaggio bundled in her leather jacket, scarf, and a beanie. She got off a little early and sees Raven with a girl under her hood. She isn't in the mood to deal with it. Wondering if they found Octavia, she grows frustrated that she would be out here with someone else. She takes off her helmet, walks over, and leans down right next to Raven about to spit venom when she notices Lexa is the one with her and gives a surprise smile at them together; releasing all plans for sabotage.  
"Hey… you two getting along under here?" Her tone was low and worn out.

Raven bumps a shoulder into Lexa, "you better watch out Clarke, I might try and steal this one away from you. She is a badass. How come you never told us?"

Clarke turns red and flashes a look at Lexa, "oh yeah? I might take the trash out later, so just wait by the curb and you might get your chance." She doesn't really care at this moment but quips anyway.

Raven busts out a cackle and lifts herself up from under the hood, "Dahhaamm, haha Clarke is brutal."

She leans in to whisper in Lexa's ear, "I'll be the one waiting by the curb."

The blonde hears that and hovers her keys over Alie, "You better back the hell away from her or Alie gets it!" -Her eyes ablaze.

Raven inhales sharply, eyes flickering from Alie to Clarke, "Alright _alright_! You better not lay a scratch on her…" She warily watches the keys as Clarke jokingly inches them closer. Raven is ready to lunge but Clarke pulls away right before she acts on it. Raven clears Lexa out of the way with an outstretched arm and shuts the hood-rubbing Alie to calm down. "Its okay Alie… the mean old wench won't hurt you. I got you..." Raven soothes as she lays her cheek on the surface, caressing the contour.

She glares at Clarke and locks both doors and walks toward the daring blonde, wrapping her arm around her shoulder with force. Clarke gives her a scowl, still upset at her for leaving Octavia alone all night. Her mind wonders back to if they found her and what dynamic is taking place.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Lexa says smiling at the cute fight they just had over her.

Raven and Clarke said no simultaneously and giggled.

"You're a bottom Lexa, they don't get a say in top matters." Raven jokes.

Lexa looked at her in shock, "I'm not a bottom!"

Clarke and Raven both look at each other and in unison say, " You're a bottom."

They bust out laughing and Raven reaches to wrap her arm around Lexa too, who is standing there with an open mouth. They Wizard of Oz it back to the Hut, Raven pulling them along under each arm. Lexa feels finally part of the family, her cheeks hurt from smiling and her heart feels like it made a new lot for these people, especially Raven.

"So I am guessing you guys found Octavia?" Clarke asks brazenly.

Raven looks at her and smiles, "Yeah we found her."

Lexa laughs and chides, "Raven was keeping her prisoner in her basement, buffalo bill style. If we hadn't arrived when we did, she would have put the lotion on it's skin!"

Clarke laughs out loud as they approach the porch, her mood slightly elevating. Raven lunges at Lexa but she was too quick and steps to the side, sending Raven stumbling off the steps and into the ground. Lexa gasps and jumps down to her aid, afraid now that she had ruined all the progress she made today.

"Oh shit Raven, you okay?" She kneels down beside her as the mechanic lies on her stomach. 

_Nirvana- Breed_

Raven groans in pretend agony but then pops up on all fours and grabs Lexa around the shoulders and throws her to the ground in a wrestle. Lexa fights back and tries to knock her legs out from under her but she avoids the attempt, having had a lot of practice with Octavia. They grapple and tackle as Clarke looks on from the porch.

The door opens and Octavia peeks her head out.

"What's taking so long?" She sees Clarke standing in front of her and walks out to put an arm around her and sees Lexa and Raven on the ground. Lexa now has Raven in a chokehold but she escapes by slipping her arm up and breaks her hold.

"Oh my god… they are going to end up accidently fucking each other!" She says, completely unaware of Clarke's glaring stance. "You should have seen them goggle over the other talking about motorcycles and cars. I'm afraid we need to watch out for them." She nudges Clarke in sarcasm.

Clarke lets out a half-hearted laugh and stares back down at their newfound bond. She crosses her arms and narrows her eyes. This isn't what she expected to come home to and she feels a boil in her chest rising.

"Get her Raven! Don't be a _coward_!" Octavia shouts arm still tightly around Clarke. She feels her tense up but tries to encourage the positive vibes.  
Raven's head pops up at Octavia's words; she was about to lunge to pin Lexa down for the winning move—her brows furrow at the familiar taunt-when suddenly Lexa crashes into her side and knocks the breath clean out from her lung. She pins her to the ground hard. Raven thrashes trying to get out of it but can't seem to get enough power to throw her off.

"Give up?" Lexa heaves, she looks up at the porch as if she knew there was a glare waiting for her. She is breathing heavily sitting on top of Raven and she finds Clarke's narrow stare at the two of them-cold, not approving. She realizes she is straddling Raven and looks back up to Clarke, dismounts and jumps to her feet.

"Not fair! I would have had you if Octavia hadn't distracted me. It's not nice to call people cowards you know…" Raven glares at O with dark eyes, brushing her knees off as she stands.

"I remember how much you liked it before," Octavia said saucily, crouching her stance getting ready for Raven's reaction. She was right because as soon as she said that Raven was lunging into the house chasing her down the hall.

Clarke was still watching Lexa as she cleans the leaves and dirt off her jeans and straightens the sweater that now has stains all over it.

"Next time you straddle a girl, wear your _own_ clothes." Clarke says with grit.

Lexa stops dusting off and looks at her with a smile, "Are you…jealous?"

Clarke throws her head back, releases her arms out of their crossed position, and walks inside—nudging the door to slowly close.

Lexa laughs as she finishes cleaning off and steps in after her—catching the door before it shut. The house was warm and welcomed her cold face. Her adrenaline was still pumping as she took her shoes off. Raven and Octavia were in the living room tackling each other, knocking into Bellamy who kept having to push them off with one arm as he held the controller in his other hand. "Quit! You girls should just fuck already…" The girls look at each other, laugh, and continue to wrestle.

Clarke makes her way in her room, setting her satchel down on her desk and strips out of her top. Lexa wasn't far behind and approaches,

"Hey…what's wrong Clarke?" Lexa leans against the open door as she watches Clarke take her shoes off and unload her pockets. She notices her blue lace bra that she is in as she moves around the room. Lexa's eyes follow her every move biting her lip to suppress the feeling to jump her right then.

"Nothing, I'm glad to see you're getting along with my friends." She says plainly.

Lexa narrows her eyes and steps closer to her, "then why are you giving me this cold Clarke instead of the warm cute one I like so much?" Her arm reaches out and rubs the blonde's back.

"I'm tired I guess, I just want to take a shower." Clarke shrugs Lexa off and shuts the bathroom door behind her before she could say anything else. Left in the empty room, she stands there and grimaces at the way Clarke had just brushed her off. She thinks about throwing the door open and demanding an explanation but decides to let her be and returns to the living room.

It was strange for Clarke to see Lexa get along so well with her best friends, especially Raven. She had always wanted them to get to know each other because she knew that they liked the same things but something inside of her snapped when she saw them wrestling together. They were always two separate things, the girl she liked and her best friends. They were _her_ friends, supporting her through all of her hard times. She remembers Raven trying to convince her that Lexa was not a good choice and that she was a horrible person. Clarke refused to listen to her no matter how convincing she was.  
She took off the rest of her clothes as she tried to understand what she was feeling. It was like jealousy but something more than that. She didn't want to be jealous- it was silly. She didn't like the idea of them hanging out without her, fearing they would like her better or replace her even. That was even sillier to Clarke. But her insecurities were flaring up as she stepped in the hot shower. She leans in to let the water wash over her face, feeling the sear of the water being a little too hot but she makes herself adjust. Her mind flickers to the letter she received, dating a few days ago. She read all of her mail at work and found one hand written, addressed to her. The rest of the day felt off.

Lexa had found her way back into Clarke's life and exceeded all walls she had built because of her. And now that she is getting close to her friends she feels she is climbing over another wall. Not only can Lexa hurt her but now she can hurt them too. Before, she could keep that separate- if anything happened it would be her feeling the pain, not them. Her fear of getting hurt wraps its claws into her chest, her desire to protect those she loves blankets her in doubt. She should be happy that they are growing together. This is what she wanted. But sharing her friends and Lexa seemed to make Clarke feel very vulnerable and she did not welcome the feeling. She thinks maybe she is being greedy and tries to relax to the idea of them without her as a medium—moaning in resistance. Her mind flashes to the letter.

\- 

_Ayla- Wish I was (Spada remix)_

Anya is sitting in a café, cappuccino resting in between her hands. It was cold out and she hadn't dressed accordingly. She was wearing white jeans and a thin black blouse that bellowed in the wind. She had a light jacket but that didn't help her. She was waiting patiently for what she knew was the best part of her day. Her face lights up as the woman with long dirty blonde hair strolls in through the entrance, wearing fitted denim, high heels, and a Burberry London Kensington that probably cost more than Anya's rent.

The woman smiles at her with a slight blush and sits down across the round marble table. Anya reaches a hand across to seek the warmth she has been waiting for all afternoon.

"Hey, sorry I'm late."

Anya smiles and shakes her head just happy she is here, their hands link in the middle of marble. The feeling she gets when around this woman radiates across her body. You know that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and the first smell and sip of that hot coffee flows through your body, physically and mentally holding you against the comfort of the day. Well it was better than that.

"I missed you." Anya confesses, not used to being this vulnerable with anyone. "Did you change just to see me?"

The woman grins and leans in for a kiss. With their lips still touching she mutters, "Yes I did…I only have thirty minutes, I have another shift after this."

Anya whines but leans in for more kisses. When they part they talk about their day and touch their feet against each other under the table. One leans in to listen intently as the other vents and gestures probably too aggressively with her hands. It's their second time meeting in public and freely displaying their relationship. The conversation slows and there is a moment of silence.

The woman shifts in her seat and is afraid to bring it up again but has to.

"Have you told anyone about us?"

Anya looks at her with still eyes, the corners of them slanted down. "No…"  
She has desperately wanted to tell Lexa for the past week but can only tell her small details of how she feels or where they go. Careful to not spill too much detail to where she could piece it together and guess. They all wouldn't understand and she understood why they couldn't tell anyone…yet. "When can we tell people Abigail?"

The woman crosses her legs and looks away in thought. Abby wanted to be sure before people knew, they would judge and not understand how much they tried to resist it, and how much they grew to mean to one another. Ever since that day she saved Anya's life, there was something about her and when she called sounding so weak and tired, Abby's heart ached.

Lexa had never given Anya the paper with the Griffin's information on it, she had it on her fridge for over a week, so Anya saved the number and called the doctor with some probing questions about the clean up and dressings of the wound. She would express her pain and lack of confidence over the phone, so Dr. Griffin offered to come and help her. The first time was innocent enough, but the second, third, and fourth time her wounds were dressed properly and didn't need tending to. They started to hang out on her off days. Abby would take Anya shopping with her, go to the movies or have dinner at Anya's. Nothing physical happened between them for a long time, but they both felt the energy and the tension radiating.

Abby was the one to resist Anya for a year, pulling away at every brush of skin. When Anya would lean in to kiss her Abby turned her head giving her a cheek, telling her she was old enough to be her mother. Anya would reply with a scoff and the precise calculations of their age. Anya was 26 and Abigail was 41. She had Clarke when she was 18, which made her a pretty young mom-a hot one at that. Age didn't matter as long as the connection was true. Abby felt it was getting too weird and pushed Anya away for another 8 months after that before realizing her feelings were strong and there was a burn she couldn't douse unless she was with Anya. One night she arrived on Anya's doorstep with fire in her eyes, tears on her cheeks. Since then, they have been dating for six months. It wasn't until very recently that they decided to try the whole public display their relationship thing. They have been truly seeing each other for a little under a year and Anya feels it's time.

"I'm not sure An. I just don't want Lexa to find out and then tell Clarke just yet. I haven't talked to her much lately, except when we are at work together. Even then we are in separate wings. I have been…well, distracted." She gives Anya a cute disarming smile. She knew how to relax Anya when she was feeling tense or too eager.

Anya sighs and pinches her fingers to the bridge of her nose.

"Abigail… I didn't come out of the closet all those years ago just to be shoved back in. I understand your situation but this can't move forward if we keep doing it like this. I need to live my life with out censoring it."

Abby nods her head in understanding and reaches out to grab her hand. Anya only used her full name when she was serious about something.

"Soon okay?"

Anya hesitates, staring into her brown eyes for the truth. She can't ever read her, that steely gaze; high cheekbones, sharp nose, and slightly downward lips always threw her off—Way off. She bites the inside of her cheek and nods. Before Abby could say anything else, Anya gets up throws a five on the table and walks over to her. She cups one hand to the side of her jaw and kisses her head.

"Hmm" is all she says before walking out, despite having ten more minutes with the doctor.

Abby sits there with her chin still up, feeling the cold spot where her hand was placed. She lets out a big sigh and got her phone out of her pocket. She knew that if Clarke found out about them, it was going to rip open another wound between them and possibly cause trouble for her and Lexa. It would be _her_ meddling in her daughter's life. She doesn't think Clarke would be able to see that she was happy and that it had nothing to do with her.

Clarke was stubborn and convinced that her way was always best. Always fighting for it like it was life or death. And maybe it was for her. Ever since her father, Clarke fought her mom on every detail of what happened—blamed her even. They as parents decided not to tell her that he was sick. She knew it was wrong but they as a unit agreed, not until it was getting close. He didn't want his daughter looking at him differently or altering her life to spend it with him. He was happy to have her when she chose, but in hindsight now Abby understood why Clarke was so mad. If Clarke knew, she would have wanted to spend every minute with him. Savoring his laugh and the way he smelled. Abby got to do that and they took that away from her, in Clarke's eyes _she_ took that time away from her.

Now this… Abby fears that Clarke will feel that she is taking something else away from her. Not only the memory of her dad as her soul mate but her friends. She knew that Clarke's friends meant everything to her. She knows Anya isn't particularly keen on Clarke because of Lexa's struggles but they go to the same school, hang out with the same people and go to the same parties- she knew that. Anya talks to her about everything, she listens and kisses her when she struggles over the particularly bad parts of her childhood. Abby had gained a whole new perspective on Lexa after hearing about their hardships. She understood why she stood Clarke up on Valentine's Day and why it was so hard for her to commit to something that opened her up to abandon. And then the whole Costia thing—god, Abby almost threw up. The amount of drama and pain these girls have been through twisted her up inside. She never knew the extent of their maturity and sacrifice.

She opens her phone and texts Clarke before heading back to work.

 **5:38pm- Clarke  
** _  
Mom: Hey honey, just checking in to see how your shift went and that I love you. Can we grab lunch sometime this week?_

She sighs and lifts herself up and walks the two blocks back to Central Medical, questioning why everything had to be so difficult and delicate. 


	18. Chapter 18

**-CH.18 Play the Game or Get Played  
** _  
Led Zeppelin- When the Levee Breaks_

Lexa was frustrated. She had spent all day looking for Octavia with Bellamy and is trying her best to bond with Clarke's friends only to be chastised for it right after. She shuts Clarke's bedroom door, leaving her in the shower and walks out into the living room.

"Raven, can you give me a ride home?" Lexa says loud enough so they could hear her over the music they had put on, almost shouting. Raven and O had stopped rough housing after Octavia started to bleed from her cut on her arm. They all kind of looked at each other and looked back at Lexa-Who was standing there sternly with a blank stare, mood obviously shifted.

" _What_? I have been here _all_ day and I just need to change into my own clothes and take a shower in my _own_ place." She bends the truth while delivering a lot of sass and gives them a look as to say, 'the _fuck_ you looking at?' But she quickly realizes that her car is here and there was no need to ask for a ride.

Raven jumps up and gave her a side smile, "Of course I'll give you a ride, but I know you just want to feel what it's like to be inside Alie." She nudges her with her elbow.

Raven knows something is up and tries to save the moment, so she jokes to lighten her mood and it works. Lexa smiles-she really does want to ride in her Camaro but mostly she just wants to get out of there. She feels crushed; the whole day was tolerable because she would focus on the feeling of Clarke coming home. Octavia has the urge to tag along but decides she better stay and defuse whatever mood Clarke would have coming out of the shower. "Be safe and hurry back!" she pouts, pulling Raven in and whispers, "You know Clarke won't like this." Raven nods in agreement and shrugs her shoulders. She knows how Clarke can get and wants to be there for Lexa too. "Lucky there are two of us to help each of them." She winks at O and pivots to head out the front door.

Lexa knew it would bother Clarke that she was leaving with Raven and maybe that's why she was doing it. She didn't really have to change or shower. She had spent the whole day in Clarke's benefit and finally got on Raven's good side. She was finally feeling like she belonged and then Clarke acted so cold and distant, it pissed her off more than it hurt. They walk out the door and Lexa jumps off from the porch and jogs toward the car. Raven runs up behind her and grabs her by the shoulder and squeezes endearingly. "All okay?"

Lexa gives her the best smile she could, which was a grimace at best and shrugs her shoulders, "yeah… Clarke just…" She stops herself from saying another word. Lexa doesn't like to talk about people behind their backs, especially to their friends. She grits her teeth and just takes a deep breath.

Raven laughs lightly and nods her head, "I know your pain. She is royally stubborn and harsh sometimes. When she is upset she doesn't let anyone in, you just have to wait for her to come to you. Did I get you in trouble?"

Lexa grimaces and thinks to herself, _But I am not just anyone…_ Her feelings are hurt and she doesn't know how to react.

"Nah, you're good. Just show me what Alie can do?" Eager to rid herself of this feeling.

"You got it! You're going to flip out." Raven excitedly unlocks her door and lets Lexa in on her side. She watches Lexa look around and feel the interior as she lets the engine rumble for a bit. They sit in silence for a few minutes. Raven finds a song and leans in,

"Hear that?"

Lexa nods.

"Smooth as mom's puddin'" Raven laughs as she shifts into gear and slings them forward. She turns the music up to let her feel the worry and frustration shake off of her. Lexa's face went from stern to soft in seconds as she closes her eyes to absorb the feeling. Raven leans back, smiles and flips on her headlights for the short distance to Lexa's apartment. It was twilight and the sun was offering its farewell. Lexa was absorbed in her conflicted feelings. _I would rather feel nothing than this._ She didn't enjoy being influenced so much by another. It felt involuntary, and she has done so many involuntary things in her life that she hates she is doing it to herself. She can't control her feelings around Clarke. They run rampant, pulling her against all her restraint. It's tearing her apart inside-resisting what her heart desires. _Fucking feelings._

Clarke finishes her shower and takes her time getting dressed-Starting to realize her actions were unwarranted; she picks up her pace to apologize. First she wants to grab her phone incase the others message about game night. She digs inside her bag and finds the letter sliding between her fingers. She pulls it out and throws it on her desk, looking at it for a moment before diving back in to dig for her phone. She finds it and sees that her mom had messaged her. She thinks about the possibility of meeting her mom for lunch. It doesn't sound like the greatest idea to her right now but she hasn't really talked to her in a while so she replies. Part of her needs the comfort of someone she knows will be there no matter what but the other part doesn't want anyone to come near her.

 **6:32pm  
** _  
Clarke: Lunch sounds good but how about Sunday brunch instead? Noon?_

She knew her mom had another shift and probably wouldn't respond until late so she sets her phone on her desk and continues to get ready. She puts on a sports bra that has a geometric design, light blue denim patterned joggers, a white shirt that has the arms cut out and a grey zip up hoody—puts her phone in her pocket and walks out into the living room, grabbing her snap back that hangs on the wall by a nail. She looks around the living room and only sees Octavia and Bellamy on the floor playing each other in Street Fighter. Her heart skips a beat.

O notices Clarke emerge and before she can say anything Bellamy blurts out,

"Lexa went home with Raven."  
His lips edge at a smile as he jabs at the buttons furiously.

Her heart stops completely. Clarke's face goes pale and her apologetic mood vanishes as fast as lightening. Thunder now raging in her belly.

"What…?" her voice wasn't angry, it was more of a choking whisper. She looks out the window to see Raven's car gone and knows Lexa had her car there. _What..._

Octavia smacks her controller into Bellamy's head, making a loud noise that sounded like a crack in the sound barrier and amends his statement,

"Lexa asked Raven for a ride is all. She wanted to experience her Camaro as well as go home, shower, and change before the others arrive for game night. They will be back soon!" She assures her, getting up off the floor to comfort her into the kitchen. She kicks Bellamy before stepping over him. "ow!" He grumbles and exits out of two player to start over as single player. Bellamy didn't usually attend game nights but he decided to stay since he was already there. He glances left to look at Clarke and her face was emotionless. He frowns and realizes in trying to make Lexa look bad he hurt her.

"Lets make some drinks while we wait, get a head start. How bout it?"

Clarke is pushed into the kitchen but her eyes weren't focusing on anything. She was distracted. She was so stuck in her head that Octavia had to pretend to hurt her hand just to get her to pay attention to her.

"…ahhh OW.."

Clarke snaps out of her daze and looks toward Octavia with concern.

"You okay?"

"Man… yeah, I just can't open this up. Will you help me?" Clarke nods and helps her open the Hpnotiq. Raven grabs orange juice and a handle of vodka out of the fridge and makes Clarke open them too. Her helplessness seems to be working in coercing Clarke's mind away from her weird mood.

"Are we mixing these _all_ together?" Clarke asks looking a bit grossed out.

"Yeah! It's like a martini cocktail thingy. It'll be tasty, I promise. If anything it might lift you out of this funk you are in." Octavia starts to pour all the ingredients into a pitcher, not caring to mix appropriate ratios.

Clarke looks at her and frowns at the fact that she is acting this way and can't hide it. She tries to shake it off and forces herself to get excited. It is game night after all and everyone will be there to have a good time.

"Lets take some shots of vodka now and use this big batch of blue lagoon crap for when we play Drister and Charades." Clarke says trying to get herself jazzed. She can't shake this feeling in her gut, yeah she acted cold but Lexa didn't even say that she was leaving. Her feelings were hurting. Her mind flickers to the letter.

Drister was a made up game that mixed drinking and twister into one. They place shots on random circles and before you can put your hand or limb on that circle you had to take the shot. If you couldn't manage to reach it with out toppling over you had to either ask the person next to you to help or do it with your mouth. It was hilarious to watch and even more fun to play.

"Good idea Clarke Barke!" O throws her arm around her and gives her a reassuring side hug.

"Hey, wait for me!" Bellamy turns the video game off and runs into the kitchen to join the party. He comes in and bumps into Clarke playfully, wrapping his arm around her to comfort her, knocking Octavia's arm off as his takes over. She scolds him with a look and can't blame him for trying all the time. She gives it to him, the boy's got persistence on his side. She gets three tall shot glasses from the cabinet and fills them up to the brim.

"Okay gang, to friendship!" She raises her glass and waits for them to join and they shoot them back with ease. Clarke didn't mind the taste, it wasn't that bad.

"Another!" Octavia yells and they repeat. After the third another, they both look at Octavia and tell her to slow down. They proceed to prepare for the party, mixing the blue crap in a pitcher, cutting limes for the tequila, and counting the beers they had in the fridge. The Houston Hut had a few guarantees: There is always beer and water in the fridge, the couch is always open to crash, and if you ever get handed a shot from the house or offered a beverage, you have to drink it otherwise face the consequences.

The consequences always varied but the last person to refuse Octavia after she so kindly offered them a shot made from her kitchen, he had a patch of hair missing from his leg the size of a dollar bill. She had heated up her wax kit and made a strip just for him. When he wasn't looking she slapped it on his leg and from then on he was doomed. There was no other way to remove it other than to rip it off. He was whining and complaining the whole time he tried to carefully pull it off. Until Raven came up behind him and just yanked it clean off sending him into a world of pain on the floor.

Now this guy wasn't the smoothest cat in the litter. He had some hairy ass legs. Raven and Octavia could not stop cracking up the whole night at his bald spot on his thigh. Sure, they felt kind of bad but how dare he refuse the hospitality of free booze. Since that day no one has ever refused the house offerings. Clarke never pushed the envelope on that front, but then again no one refused her offerings either because of her association. She kind of reveled in the almighty power she had because of Octavia's deviant behavior.

 _Tourist- I Can't Keep Up (Ft. Will Heard)_

Raven pulls up to the front of Lexa's apartment and turns down the music. She musters up the breath to say something but Lexa speaks first.

"Thanks Raven. I'll walk myself back to the party, so you don't have to wait." Lexa says as she moves to get out of the car.

Raven reaches out to her shoulder and stops her for second, "Hey, try giving her a break. She has these spring loaded walls that like to shoot up at any sign of vulnerability."

Lexa sits back down and looks at Raven, "But I haven't done anything Raven. All I did was try to help her and you guys out all day. Even spending it with Bellamy." She says sternly.

Raven lifts her eyebrows and nods, "True, true. But hear me out…She isn't used to having you around like this-All up in our inner circle. To be honest Lexa, I used to not like you and she would try her hardest to separate you and us for the longest time. We had a great summer but it was super casual and you guys weren't dating then. I think it scares her how close every one is getting now."

Lexa doesn't say anything just nods her head. She leans in to give Raven a thankful hug and gets out of the car.

"Hey Lex! Are you sure you don't want me to wait for you? It will be completely dark soon."

"Yeah, I will be fine. We are practically still on campus so there are safety spots every hundred feet. Thanks Ray." She delivers a small smile at her concern and shuts the door.

Raven sighs as she makes sure Lexa gets into her apartment before speeding off.

Lexa unlocks her door, waves Raven off and steps inside. Her apartment was pristine, hard wood floors, and modern furnishings. As you walk in, her living room is right in front of you, the kitchen on the left with a windowed wall to separate it from the dining area in front of it. The hallway led to two bedrooms and a bathroom. She had completely redecorated it since she trashed it years ago. Everything was put in its place, though since Costia the most decorations she had were candles. She loves burning candles; no matter what time of day, she lit them just to see the flames flicker. Sandalwood was her favorite scent. Her walls were mostly bare. She never liked anything enough to hang and subconsciously she was saving space on them for Clarke's work—If she ever gave her any.

Lexa sighs and takes off Clarke's clothes and tosses them in the washer-turns it on and strolls to the shower to clear her head.

She realizes that there is a lot more to Clarke that she doesn't know. This excites her because she wants to learn everything about her and hopes she never gets to the end, but it scares her too. What does she not know and how does Clarke feel about the possibility of being together? Lexa thinks about all the information she has and realizes she has never heard of Clarke being with another girl. She wonders if she is her first. Her mind skips to Finn; the guy she knows loved Clarke and died in an accident. _Did she love him?_  
 _Of course she loved him, she was so heart broken over his death that it still gets in the way today._ She thinks that maybe she will always be in love with Finn and she will come second to that love.

Lexa worries about the possibility of not having Clarke in the way that the past few days have lead her to believe it could be. Her feelings have always been strong and the year it took to get Clarke to warm up to her convinced her that the feelings were very much real and not going away. She was everything she wanted. And now that she has her within reach, she aches to have her.

The shower calms her down and she lingers on the best parts of the past week. The people she has come to know and the love she feels from all of them crashes into her in waves. She wants to be a part of something like that and won't let it slip away from her easily. Determined, she promises herself to try harder. Lexa finishes her shower and moves to her room to get ready. Wanting to look her best, she takes her time. She roams her closet and settles on a loose denim button up half-tucked over white shorts that have a fold on the hem and a thin tan belt paired with tan Bangs shoes. This way she will be comfortable and show off the legs Clarke seems to focus on every time they were in bed or any time in general.

Monty and Jasper had arrived while Lexa was at her apartment. They were all gathered around the coffee table, filling the couch and the floor. Kings cup was underway to get everyone in good spirits and decently loosened up. There were plenty of cards to be drawn because they used two decks. Clarke was near the L; the furthest from the door on the couch next to Bellamy then Octavia and Raven was sitting on the arm with her feet on the cushion—her toes under Octavia's leg, closest to the door. Monty and Jasper were on the floor in front of the coffee table.

Lexa takes her time walking over to Clarke's-a six pack in hand. She didn't realize how cold it was going to be but she didn't mind. The hoodie she was wearing was sufficient enough. She thought about what Raven said and decided to let it go and try to have a good time. Her heart missed Clarke already and whatever it took to get her close again was the path she wanted to take.

"Hey guys" Lexa calls out as she enters through the open door, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. She carries herself closely- one hand in her pocket. She despises arriving to events by herself, the initial stare down that skewers into her soul is torture. She takes her hoodie off by the door and hangs it on the rack.

"Hey!" Raven leans back- smiling, "Lexa!" Monty and Jasper call out in unison- arms raised. Bellamy throws up a hand with out looking, Octavia smiles but is taking a sip of her drink so she nods. Clarke gets up off the couch and greets her face to face,

"Hey you…"-Her hands in both of her pockets looking just as small. Lexa looks at Clarke dressed more tomboy than usual, wearing a snapback, bill facing forward, to hold her long gold hair in place. She bites her lip subconsciously as she looks her up and down. _Damn…_

Lexa fanes a smile and turns shy all of the sudden. Like her pledge in the shower declared some unmarked territory that she was afraid of stepping on. "Hey…" She says under fluttering eyelashes as she made her way by Clarke, grazing shoulders, to put her beer in the fridge. Her mouth was dry and she felt light headed. She realizes that feeling this way is a common occurrence around Clarke and should really carry a thermos with her at all times.

Clarke runs up to Lexa and notices her legs are red from the cold. _Oh… she looks so beautiful._ Her eyes glide up her body and onto her flush cheeks. She watches as she shakes her hair to untangle it from the brushes by her. _Hey… where you going?..._ Her breath hitches as their shoulders touch. She turns and follows her into the kitchen to offer her a drink.

"You want some of this blue lagoon stuff O and I made? It is actually really tasty," trying to probe at her because she really can't tell what she is thinking.

They both metaphorically dance around the awkward of earlier and misstep every time the other makes a move. It is always so difficult to guess what someone else is feeling. The idea is blurred by doubt and hope; the reality is all but a guess.

Lexa smiles and heads to the fridge to put her Shiner inside, "I think I will stick with beer tonight, I'm not planning on getting too drunk." _I really want my head about me, so I can function. Jesus she is so disarming…_ Lexa glances out of the fridge to look back at Clarke, who is turned away. _Mmm, damn!_

At that, Clarke frowns and clenches the counter while pouring herself more of the blue crap. _What the hell... Well, that makes one of us!_ Clarke finishes pouring her drink and roughly accepts Lexa's dismissal of her offer, she considers holding her to the house rules but decides to bite her lip and return to her seat next to Bellamy. He lights up when she returns to sit next to him, leaving Lexa in the kitchen. His hand finds his way onto her knee, "Welcome back princess." Clarke smiles and doesn't look up, waiting for her turn in the game, as she takes huge gulps from her cup. A part of her knew that it would bother Lexa but whatever, she was being difficult and left with out saying bye earlier.

The brunette idles in the kitchen, wondering what just happened. _Wait! Where you going?! Shit. I should have accepted her offer…  
_  
Her eyes fixate on her from afar, still in the kitchen.

Ugh, now she is sitting with…Fuck, he is touching her! Calm down… okay, just let her be… FUCK!

Lexa was practically growling in the kitchen ready to pounce over everyone to strangle Bellamy- when her thoughts get interrupted.

"Lexa! Come join us!" Raven calls out to her with wide eyes, signaling her to get her ass in here.

Lexa takes a swig of her beer and walks in to the living room, deciding to sit next to Raven and Monty-across from Clarke. She feels her gaze but doesn't return it, as she sat at he spot where it is her turn in the game. She reaches for a card closest to her and it was an 8.

 _Radiohead- House of Cards_

 _Shit…_

"8 is a date, pick a date and they will have to drink whenever you do!" Monty states.

Lexa knew this and was not ready to be put in this position. She hesitates and flickers across Clarke's face and then to Bellamy, Octavia, and then Raven, then Clarke, then Bellamy. _Motherfuckingcockass…ugh.._

"Raven, date me?" Lexa invites begrudgingly, lifting her beer up in the air for a cheers.

Raven grins and lifts her eyebrow up, "I thought you'd never ask" giving her a wink and a cheers before they both take a sip. Octavia pinches her foot and she almost spits beer on her but swallows before laughing in a hum.

Clarke purses her lips. _Okay… That little shit._  
She looks at Raven who is now eyeing her and she mouths sorry in her direction. The blonde squints at her and raises her middle finger from behind her cup, sticking out her tongue through her teeth. _Yeah? Suck it…  
_ Raven puts her hand up to her chest as a 'who me?' gesture. Clarke smiles very sarcastically, does an eye roll in her cup and takes a sip of her drink.

Monty draws a 7 and Clarke was the last one to raise her hands to heaven with out realizing it. She was distracted from trying so hard to not look at Lexa. She looks really sexy in her short shorts and her cappuccino hair flowing down the side of her shoulder. Clarke wishes she were pushing those legs up against her instead of Monty. She laughs at the thought and she sees Lexa shift her eyes toward her for a second. _Oh does she like that? Maybe I will try to seem like I am having fun over here with out her. Yeah… that'll teach her._ Clarke at this point had pre-gammed pretty damn too well, thanks to Octavia. Her thoughts are more impulse now than anything. She scoots closer to Bellamy and spreads her legs as to take up more room.

The blonde laughs too hard at the next joke and slaps her hand down on Bellamy's thigh, holding it there for a bit before taking it off to brush through her hair in a very Legally Blonde kind of way, her hats off and thrown to the side. _Game on._

Lexa looks up through narrow eyes, _What the fuck is going on, she is way too close to him… Did she just… ohh I see, doing it on purpose now?...ugh what do I do with that…_ Lexa sees her touch his thigh and this almost makes her get up, but she forces a smile and subdues the twitch in her eye. Instead she plays that game, her beer is running low and moves to get up, using the arm of the couch that Raven is straddling as support. She makes it a slow rise and leans in to Raven's ear and whispers something that makes Raven laugh and she gets up to follow her in the kitchen. ' _Come with me into the kitchen, I can't stop thinking about being inside Alie'_

 _What was_ _that_ _…_ Clarke squints her eyes and furrows her brow. She just saw Lexa flirt with Raven, now heading to the kitchen together. _Is she messing with me?_ She is unsure if Lexa had registered that Clarke was doing things on _purpose_ to get a rise out of her, but this wasn't what she expected. Usually Lexa would come claim her by now… She leans back into the couch and grumps. _Dammit…_ Bellamy notices and leans back with her,

"Why you poutin'? You are supposed to be having fun!" He says with his cute boyish charm that Clarke likes. She smiles and leans her head against his shoulder not really giving a fuck how it looks. " I am… Just tired from work." He leans his head down on top of hers.

 _AHHH… what the fuck!_ Lexa has Raven in the kitchen and is standing beside her looking into the room."Do you _see_ that Raven?!" She gestures with her eyes out toward Clarke with fervor and opens the fridge to get another beer. Raven sees Clarke and Bellamy on the couch too fucking close. She shoots her head back to Lexa.

"Woah…umm…What is going on here… I'm sure that's nothing but you should go claim your girl! This game you two are playing is dangerous" Raven says leaning in for a low whisper. The music is loud so it wouldn't be heard but Raven wants to give Clarke the extra push to intervene. She knows Clarke doesn't dig Bellamy, so she also knows her actions are deliberate. _Down right deliberately rude!_

"How am I supposed to do _that_ Raven? It's like she is testing something, or me… I don't know. Maybe she is straight. Like who am I to force her to be with a girl," Lexa takes a long sip from her beer—still staring at Clarke. Drawing from all the doubts she went through in the shower, that Clarke probably has never been with a girl.

They are lingering in front of the fridge inches away from each other-Raven leans in, " Lex, she likes you a lot. I don't think she wants to be with anyone else." It looks like they could be near kissing, and Raven wants it to look that way.

Lexa doesn't buy what she says, _then why is she being like this. It's a huge turn off._ She shifts her body to stand with her back toward the living room, blocking the view of their conversation, just in case she is looking.

She leans in closer, "I really like her and she knows I am not comfortable with her and Bellamy being that close. Yet she does it anyway! Fucking pisses me off!" Her voice rises and is almost shouting.

Clarke lifts her head so she can see Lexa better. Her back is now turned and her arms are stuck at her side. _What are they doing?!_

Lexa is slowly losing her cool and Raven can tell, so she puts both of her arms on her shoulders so her hands touch behind her neck. "Don't do anything okay, let her play this out! She will get bored fast, trust me Lexa. Stay calm…I have a plan" Raven makes her stand still as she peers over her shoulder to make sure Clarke is watching. "This will make her snap out of it…" Lexa shifts her stance and is confused for a moment before realizing what she was doing.

Clarke is now glaring into the kitchen. Her hands grip her drink as she tries to finish it so she has an excuse to break up whatever that is. _Oh look, now Raven has her hands all over her. Get a fucking room, maybe she should just go fuck her in my room! What the fuck ever…  
_  
"Hey Ray! What are you guys doing! Games a rollin, it's your turn!" Octavia gets up before Clarke has a chance to, she sees their closeness and doesn't like it at all.

"What is going on, why are you two whispering in here?" Looking a little jealous but doesn't really think much of it when she sees Lexa's twisted expression. She approaches them and puts her hands on both of their shoulders, expecting an answer. Lexa bristles and sighs deeply.

"Nothing."

"NOT nothing Lex. Clarke is being weird and is hanging all over Bellamy, we think to get a rise out of Lexa." Raven says quickly, glancing over Lexa's shoulder. Octavia sighs and glances over to Clarke and Bellamy. "I am trying to get her to get off the couch and come get what she really wants." Octavia laughs through her nose and nods her head in total agreement.

Clarke has had enough, now all her friends are huddling around Lexa. She shoots up off the couch and bullets toward the kitchen, not quite sure what she is going to do. _This is total bullshit!_

"Uh oh, shh… Clarke is coming over here looking all sorts of crazy—Hey! Clarkey Farkey!"

They all take a step back from the pack and look at Clarke storming in the kitchen.

"HEYYYY!" She says majorly sarcastic and flips them all off with both hands, turning her back to them as she pours herself a really full drink. _What a bunch of fucking traitors._

Raven looks to Octavia and sticks her bottom teeth out through a grimace—hissing inward, raising her shoulders. "Ohh fuck, she is maaaad," she whispers real quietly to the group. She squeezes by them and lightly skips over to Clarke. Lexa rolls her eyes and turns her back.

"Hey!" she shoots at Clarke as she leans into the counter to catch a look at her face—which is stone cold. "Hey… what is the matter?" Raven leans in and touches her hand that rests on top of the counter.

Clarke looks at her through steely eyes and takes a huge gulp of her drink, "You like to swing, huh?" Raven looks at her with a smile, her plan had taken root.

"I'm guessing you're not referring to playgrounds…" She takes a sip of her beer "Look Clarke, I love you but chill the fuck out. Lexa is freaking out over you and Bellamy, You aren't playing fair. She spent all day doing you a favor and we are all getting along _for_ you... What is the deal?"

By this time Octavia notices Raven trying to talk Clarke down so she pulls Lexa into the living room to start a new game that doesn't require everyone's attendance.

"I'm not really in the mood to play anything O; I kind of just want to go home. I'm tired." Lexa says slowing down from heading toward the couch.

Octavia looks at her with concerned eyes " Don't leave it like this Lexa, just wait. It will all blow over soon. Raven is the best at turning things around. Come on, have fun and relax!" She rubs her shoulder as she pulls her down next to her.

Lexa decides to give it another hour but she really has run out of patience. The day is weighing heavy on her and she can't seem to get solid footing with Clarke. She is hot and then cold, constantly. It's hard to keep up, even though she really wants to. Being one step behind all the time gets a little discouraging. And to have her act like this with Bellamy is completely fucked up.

They decide to play the game Never Have I Ever.

Clarke is staring straight ahead as Raven talks her down. She is staring out into the living room, watching Lexa. She sees her tense up every time someone says they never had done something, as she takes a drink of her beer. Lexa has done quite a lot in her life and Clarke wonders how much she doesn't know about her.

"-Clarke! Are you listening?"

She jerks her head to the side to look at Raven, "What?"

"I said, Why are you being this way… what happened? Like are you upset about something?"

Clarke slouches her shoulders to the question and realizes she is being a total bitch. "No Raven... I don't know. What is going on between you and O, it seems you two worked it out? Would _you_ want to tell me what happened?"

"Don't change the subject. I will tell you, if you tell me what's happening with you _right_ now."

Clarke exhales loudly and takes another sip of her drink; "I got a letter from Finn's mom today."

Raven's face fell and was all the sudden full of understanding. "Ohhhh Yikes, was it hate mail? Cause she was a total cunt to you for so long…" She scoots closer and puts an arm over her shoulder to comfort her.

Clarke winces and takes another sip, "It was actually _not_ hate mail, I got it a few days ago but I just opened it today…She wants to meet and talk or something, I kind of read it but couldn't focus on it much." Clarke is still staring out toward Lexa and was met with her gaze, she gives her a slight smile missing her comfort—wishing they were in her room on her bed close together, the place where she feels most safe and comfortable.

It was Lexa's turn to say something she has never done but she catches Clarke looking at her delivering a small and she smiles back before turning her head back, "Okay… umm never have I ever had sex with a man before." She looks around, waiting for anyone to take a drink.

They all look at her in disbelief with out drinking.

"How old are you?!" Monty asks laughing taking a sip of his beer.

"Um… I am 26 but why does my age have anything to do with it?" She watches to see who else takes a sip of their drinks. Octavia takes like five sips, Jasper sits there with a blank stare with his drink hovering in mid-air, and Bellamy takes a quick sip-hoping no one would notice.

Lexa noticed.

She shifts in her seat, sitting to the left of Octavia who is next to Bellamy on the couch.

"Bellamy!" a smile across her face, "You have had sex with a _guy_?"

He blushes immediately and gives her a nasty glare. Octavia has turned to her brother in a horrified expression. "What the actual fuck Bell!" She gags herself.

They all break out in laughter and Bellamy takes another sip before reaching into his pocket and taking out a middle finger for everyone. "Fuck you guys!"

"No, I think it's _you_ that has fucked them guys!" Monty chimes in making everyone laugh even harder.

Raven drags Clarke into the room, hearing them all laugh, "Come on, let's not think about letters now, lets get in there and have fun!" Clarke nods and smiles softly. "Now, go get your girl…" Her arm drags her in toward Lexa.

"WHAT is so funny in here?!" Raven asks, pushing Clarke into Lexa on the couch.

"I was just wondering your age Lexa because most girls even the gay ones, have had sex in high school or in college. Just to see how it is! I am impressed you were able to keep all of the guys off of you, cause you're so damn hot!" Monty blurts out.

There was a gap between Lexa and the arm where Clarke fell. Lexa's hand was on the seat when she felt Clarke's hand land on top of hers to brace herself from Raven's shove. Lexa pulls hers out from under quickly before Clarke's full weight was braced upon it.

"Oh…Thanks Monty." Lexa lifts her beer in the air and takes a sip distracted by the sudden proximity of Clarke. She takes a deep breath after she swallows to calm herself down but that only escalated her nerves, for her nose was suddenly filled with Clarke's sea lily jasmine scent. _mmm…_

"So! What was the Never?" Raven asks still standing—making sure Clarke stays put next to Lexa. Clarke turns her body to wedge herself into the gap, barely fitting. Lexa doesn't bother scooting over. Raven stares at Bellamy's embarrassed expression knowing it had to be good to riddle his face this way.

"Well, apparently _everyone_ here has slept with a man except Lexa." Jasper says hoping no one catches that.

Raven laughs and looks at Bellamy, " _You_? Tough guy macho Mr. Blake, can't have too short of swim trunks Bellamy?!" Raven squeezes passed Clarke, Lexa, and Octavia to wedge herself in between to grab Bellamy's neck—shaking him. "Who was it!"

Bellamy laughs and shrugs his shoulders, pushing her off of him and scoots over. She fumbles back and can't get proper footing and falls into Octavia's lap. O laughs and wraps her arm around Raven's waist, bracing her fall.

"Come on Bell, spill the beans!" Raven says as she lands on Octavia's lap but she gains her footing so she tries to lift herself off to sit in the gap between the Blakes. When she feels O tighten her grip she tenses up. " _Stay_ …" she hears Octavia whisper.

She tries to relax in her lap but isn't quite ready, so she grabs her arm and gently releases her grip to slide down next to her—hearing a faint whine emit.

"Wait… Jasper, did you say _everyone_ exceptLexa?!" Raven still has O's arm in her grip and she caresses it before she sets it down beside her while everyone has their heads turned looking at Jasper for clarity.

"Um, whaaaaaat?" Jasper and Monty both glance at each other and blush.

The whole gang lights up in unison, "WHATTT!"

"HAHA! Is _everyone_ in this house a homo?! We are so lucky!" Raven shouts crudely. Everyone laughs and awes as both Monty and Jasper drink their drinks, blush spreading across both their cheeks as they try not to look at each other—scooting further apart.

 _Flight Facilities- Heart Attack Ft. Owl Eyes (Snakehips remix)_

Clarke leans into Lexa completely focused and enamored by her. She puts one hand behind her to brace herself up as she crosses her legs into her. Octavia chimes, "I think everyone is a little gay Raven…" *** The noise in the room fades into the background as everyone berates the boys with questions and inappropriate hand gestures

-Clarke turns her face into Lexa's shoulder and smells it, barely resting her lips against her. Lexa notices and stiffens; turning her head to watch what she is doing which puts their lips inches away. They're breathing low and heavy; Clarke can feel her breath hit her cheek. Everything seems to go in slow motion. Lexa's pulse increases as she feels Clarke's hand come up off the couch behind her, moving her shirt up. She perks to sit straight, inhaling at the touch of her fingers on her skin. Clarke presses her lips down on her shoulder and lightly caresses the brim of her shorts and moves to graze her lower back with her fingertips. She closes her eyes as she imagines where her hand is touching. She hears the brunette sigh roughly and feels her lean into her a bit more. She lifts up from her shoulder and leans in, kisses her pulse point and whispers, "I'm sorry Lexa…" Lexa exhales through her nose and turns her cheek into Clarke's, rubbing into pure softness. _Mmm_ , "I…-

*** Noise comes rushing back in

"—WELL? Lexa! Clarke! Have you ever taken a shit outside?!"

The noise of the room comes rushing back to both of them as Bellamy threw the new Never have I ever toward their way to break up whatever was going on between them.

 _Fucking asshole!_ Lexa clears her throat and sits up, "Umm… I have plenty of times. More than I can count." She takes a long chug of her beer to aid her dry throat. Clarke is still so close; she feels her core heating up causing her to clench her legs together to keep it from coming. Clarke lifts her body from the lean she was in and uses Lexa's leg as support.

Lexa's eyes clinch closed. _Oh man…_ Tingles shoot into her center.

"What?! Do you like pooping out in the wild or something?" Jasper laughs with intrigue.

Her eyes flicker to where Clarke's hand rests and nervously responds, "uh, no..But growing up as Anya and I did, most of the time it wasn't a choice..." She smirks and leaves it at that before getting up to grab another beer and air out. Drinking faster than she intended to at the beginning of the night because she feels butterflies in her stomach, just as she did the first day they met. The blonde sinks a little at the thought of Lexa living in extremes to where she had to use the bathroom outside. She wants to know everything she went through, her mind starts to wonder.

"Clarke?" Bellamy asks, obviously more interested in her response.

Clarke's heart skips at the brush of Lexa's legs against her knees as she passed by her. "Uh….um yeah, I think I have once, when we hiked this summer. I had to _really_ go and all that granola and dried fruit went right through me!" She looks to the left at Lexa now in the kitchen, bending over in front of the fridge _… oh fuck, those legs. Can this game night please end already…mm_ She bites her lip subconsciously.

Lexa laughs at her poop story, remembering having to keep look out for her—she sticks her head further in the fridge to cool down.

" _Jesus,_ Clarke! TMI, you wild little goldy locks…" Raven says grimacing at the thought of her squatting outside. "I am proud to say that I have _never_ , I am a proper woman!" **  
**_  
_Octavia snarks into her drink, "yeah right…" Raven turns her head at that and tickle attacks Octavia in pay back. "AHH, haha stoooppp!" Octavia curls up into a little ball and retreats into the couch crevice. " _You didn't want me to stop before_ …" Raven whispers into her ear as she jumps on top of her for more access. Bellamy rolls his eyes and gets up to walk to the kitchen—his beer is empty. Clarke takes a sip of her drink smiling and almost chokes on it as she watches him walk to the kitchen where Lexa is. _Ohh no, not good…_ Clarke is about to get up to follow him but is interrupted-

"So Clarke, we heard about you and Lexa. How is it?" Monty says scooting towards her, closing the gap of her exit. She chokes for real this time and cups her mouth as to not spit blue everywhere.  
"W..who told you?!" Clarke laughs as she sucks up the dribble on her lip. Monty laughs, "Careful there, keep it in your mouth-pants! Haha, No one told me. I can _tell_! You guys are acting like teenagers—Cold, hot and then all steamy in the corner. Like I, Monty Green triple major, can't tell if the chemistry between my best friends has changed. Pfff"

Clarke nods in agreement, "Fair enough. Its been great, the sex even better." She winks at Monty and Jasper. "How about you two?" She asks, lifting her cup toward Jasper.

Monty blushes and scoots away from her as if a counter attack has been issued. Jasper sees him squirm and steps in, "heh…um Monty is a true gentleman Clarke! He has to reject the ladies left and right, being as awesome as he is." Jasper saves him from answering and nudges into his shoulder. Clarke gives him a big smile, "Cute."

After taking a few moments in the cool breeze of the fridge, Lexa grabs a Shiner and lifts up to Bellamy waiting right behind her. "You done hogging the fridge Lex Luther?" His tone isn't harsh but it's straddling the verge of playfully annoyed.

Lexa smirks and shifts to the side, extending her arm to the open fridge like for a lady, "Oh. Louis Lane, I didn't see you there...too bad this Clark Kent doesn't either…" Bellamy tenses and realizes what she had said, laughs a little as he reaches in to get a Miller and thinks to himself. _That was actually a good burn, bitch._

"So…" He closes the fridge and takes a few steps back, opening the beer bottle.  
"That was cool of you today to come help look for Octavia, I know you probably did it just to please Clarke. Too bad she doesn't seem that pleased."

 _Oh, look a back handed compliment._ Lexa looks at him with a slight grin and takes a swig before speaking, "I was worried about O. She has become a great friend and I'd do anything for Clarke." She stares him in the eyes as she says the last part.

He keeps her gaze and smiles, "So would I."

 _Omg… is he challenging me again?... Bring it on asslamy!  
_  
They keep their gaze, both not blinking, both not saying a word to each other.

Clarke laughs as she watches Octavia and Raven wrestle, almost kissing like twenty times. She loves this. _So adorable… I am glad Raven came to her senses._ Clarke looks back into the kitchen and sees Lexa and Bellamy staring at each other with intensity. She glances down to Monty and Jasper to see if they notice, but they are too busy flirting. Her nerves bunch up in her belly and she decides to get up and diffuse whatever is going on in there.

Lexa slowly brings her beer up to her lips, not flinching or blinking, and takes another sip—eyes unwavering. _Asshole…_

Instead of saying anything Clarke steps in between them, grazing her hand across Lexa's stomach with out looking at her, and opens the fridge, "Anything good left in here?"  
Bellamy breaks the gaze first to lean in with Clarke, "Now there is."

Lexa scoffs loudly and moves to push him on his shoulder, "Back off Bellamy." He flips his arm up to deflect her hand away and puffs his chest. Clarke pops up and looks at Lexa, now pressed against the fridge door, eyes on fire. _Well shit! That backfired in my face._ Clarke puts her arms up in between Bellamy's chest and Lexa's raising fists.

"Hey hey now…" she says to Lexa, reaching to lower her hands. She turns her head to Bellamy and gives him a glare that says, 'quit pushing it'. He shrugs his shoulders, like he is not going to give up, and takes a huge gulp of his beer pushing his chest against Clarke's hand. Clarke drops her hand on his chest, a little uncomfortable, squeezes Lexa's wrist and turns back to face her, "Lexa…calm down, _please_."

Lexa flickers her eyes to Clarke and squints at her plea, " Yeah… like this isn't what you wanted the whole time." She twists her wrist out of Clarke's grip, turns on her heel and heads to the living room.

"Why do you have to push her Bellamy?!" Clarke jerks around, closes the fridge door and crosses her arms at him.

"What? I didn't do anything, _that_ girl has got problems Clarke. She is too up tight." He says, looking after her as she makes her way to the couch.

"You have no idea what she has been through Bellamy. Sooner, rather than later you will have to get used to her being around me. We like each other and that is how it is." Clarke says opening the fridge again to grab a beer this time _._ She notices Lexa's beer is the only stuff other than Miller and wants to leave her the Shiners. Soshe shuts the fridge with out getting a beer and walks over to the vodka sitting on the counter. He follows her closely and continues their conversation, "I have been through a lot too Clarke but I am no where near as hot headed and stubborn as she is. Are you sure she is good for you? I have only seen you happy like a few times, compared to all the heartbreak from her."

Clarke sighs and thinks about it, pouring her vodka in a short glass with out a mixer. Bellamy notices and slinks back to the freezer, grabbing a handful of ice from the box and shifts back to her and drops it in her glass. "Clarke, think about it. Have you even been with a girl before?"

She looks into the living room and sees Lexa sitting in the L peering over her phone pretending to preoccupy herself—practically spying.

" _Bellamy,_ It is none of your business who I _have_ been with and who I _am_ with. You are like a brother to me and I really want you to be there as one. No matter what choices I make."

Bellamy takes a step back from her and winces as he takes another swig from his beer. "If that is what you want, then I will be that for you Clarke. But know that I will always be here for you no matter what. I just don't think you belong with a girl."

 _What does he know, how can he say that with out really knowing me. Like it matters if it is a girl or guy! His ego is talking from his ass right now._ "I _have_ been with a girl before Bellamy, get over yourself." She says still looking at Lexa and makes her way out of the kitchen with vodka on the rocks.

Clarke glances down at Octavia and Raven still wrestling each other, but a lot slower now. Like… _a lot_ slower. Clarke whistles at them while walking, which causes Raven to snap out of whatever daze she was in and rolls off Octavia.  
"Shut up Griffin!" Octavia shouts out, frustrated that she ruined their moment. They all laugh at her obvious disappointment. She gets up and storms off to refill her drink in the kitchen. Raven lifts herself up and plops down on the couch with a big sigh, "That woman is going to kill me one day, you all bare witness!" –Laughter ensues.

Clarke takes a seat deep in the L. Crossing her legs, she scoots all the way in it, making sure her knee lands on top of Lexa's thigh. _Please touch me…touch me touch me.  
_  
Lexa puts down her phone, noticing Clarke's proximity. Her leg is warm against her thigh but she looks at Raven and asks, "So what happened between you two anyway Ray?" Avoiding the obvious invite to get closer. _Mmmm, No. I'm not giving in that easy…_

Raven sits straight up and fidgets as she glances at Octavia talking to Bellamy in the kitchen, rubbing his arm for some reason.

"Nothing, we are good now."

Clarke smiles and extends her leg out to kick Raven, "Yeah right nothing! You two looked pretty comfortable on the couch when I walked in here." She pushes her toes under Raven's leg causing her to blush. Raven grabs her foot and pinches her toes until she retreats them. "Ow! Rayyyy! Come on..."

Raven sighs and looks back over to Octavia laughing, "We are taking it really slow Clarke. That's all."

Clarke smiles and looks over at Lexa who is peering into the kitchen at Bellamy. She notices her jaw is clenched and wishes she could just kiss it and make her clench somewhere else. Lexa sees from the corner of her eye that she was staring so she turns her gaze toward the blues that were waiting. Clarke smiles and swings her legs to rest over her lap. Lexa lifts her arms up trying to save her beer from spilling and leaves them hovering over her legs, not sure if she wants to give in just yet. Clarke wiggles her toes and scoots her butt closer to those tan legs. "Lexa…" she whines.

"Clarke." Lexa emphasized the K in Clarke as a stern kick in her mouth. Her jaw tightens and she just looks at her, not knowing what to do or think. The blonde sees that she is upset and wants nothing more than to unclench that jaw. So she sets her drink down on the table and lets one knee shift to Lexa's side as she swings her hips to place her directly on top of her lap. Straddling Lexa, she cups her hands to the sides of her neck and sits down.

Lexa couldn't muffle the gasp that escaped but her arms were still hovered and she'd be damned if she gave in to this. Clarke has been toying with her emotions and she knew it was deliberate. She does not like games, she tried playing it but she couldn't do it. And this was just part of that game.

"Lexa," she repeats her name trying to get her to focus on her and relax. Lexa leans back into the couch and rests her arms outward beside her. Clarke was disappointed that her tactics have not worked yet and proceeds to provoke a rise out of her.

"I guess I will have to take extra measures to _make_ you want me…" She doesn't care who is here at this point; she wanted to feel Lexa's hands on her. She needed to make sure she still wanted her. Clarke's arms crossed in front of her as her hands gripped the hem of her shirt. She slowly starts lifting her shirt up, showing a little of her stomach as she pulls upward and upward. Raven notices what is happening and is glad but doesn't feel like being a peeping tom so she rolls off the couch and jogs into the kitchen for some shots.

Lexa's eyes widen-she sits up immediately and looks around at everyone. They are all glancing over in their direction, trying not to stare but it's obvious what Clarke is doing.

"Clarke… everyone is watching…" Lexa's heart exhilarates from 0 to 60 in 5.5 seconds. She leans forward to set her beer down and clasps her hands on Clarke's waist, holding onto her hands to stop.

"Stop." She says sharply, now face to face with the blonde. Breathing heavily and agitated.

Clarke grins and exhales at the warmth her hands give her. She closes her eyes and bounces a little bit, raising a mischievous grin from her lips. Lexa moans in her throat that surprises her and Clarke. Her grin widens into a toothy smile. She knew that she had her at this point and leans in to kiss her. Lexa couldn't resist her anymore and didn't move when she saw her inching in toward her lips. She felt a ping in her stomach that trickled down into her core. Her lips slowly parted, waiting for the soft pink to touch hers. Their lips skim across one another lightly; they pause to look into each other's eyes before giving in all the way.

Bellamy grows tired of watching from the sidelines so he goes to the closet and grabs their modified twister and throws it on the coffee table. "DRISTER TIME BITCHES!"  
This twister was modified in a way that four twister mats were sewn together to create more space and room for even more people, creating a mega mat.

 **SLAM**

The slam of the game on the table startles Clarke into pulling away, there lips warm from each other's breath—having not touched yet. Lexa's hands fall from Clarke's hips to her thighs to peer around at the noise. She eyes Bellamy who is standing there with intent. Lexa feels heat rising from her chest into her ears and her whole body tenses once again. _I will kick your ass Bellamy!_ Not realizing she is digging her fingers into Clarke's thighs, Clarke whimpers grasping her wrists. "Lexa…Its okay, please calm down."

She flickers back from red to blue and that calms her down enough to loosen her grip. The group rustles around them, getting things clear and ready to set up the game. Bellamy stands there with that smirk Lexa hates swiped across his face. Clarke tries to keep Lexa's gaze, she wraps her arms around her neck and kisses her cheek. "Stay with me tonight," she whispers into her ear, giving it a small kiss as well. Lexa sighs and can't help but feel the need to pull away and run. The blonde feels her tensing and tightens her grip. "Please Lexa…" Hearing her beg calms her down even more but she still has fire in her belly as she eyes Bellamy not but 10 feet away. He is pulling the coffee table out, basically doing anything he can to break this up.

"We will see Clarke." Lexa barely manages to say through her gritted teeth, trying to keep her composure. She starts to get up, which makes Clarke huff and flip off of her into the couch. Lexa gets up and heads to the bathroom to splash water on her face. She knows if she leaves now, Bellamy will try to swoop in. So she takes that option off the table. Even though there is a bathroom in the hallway before Octavia's room, Lexa chooses to use Clarke's.

Raven has finished making screwdriver shots for everyone and sets them up at the bar. Bellamy walks over to Clarke, "Hey, help me move this couch back so we have room." She gets up off the couch and helps him push it further back toward the fireplace. "You okay princess? I told you she was a hot head. Lets just have fun with out her. Let her cool off."

Clarke squints at his suggestion, knowing damn well he would like that. But she got almost nothing from Lexa when she was straddling her so maybe he was right. She gives him a small smile and heads toward the kitchen where Raven was calling everyone to gather.

"Come on you puffs! Lets do some SHOTS! DRIZZLE DRISTER TIME! LEXA! Get your ass out here!" She yells, noticing everyone congregating beside her except Lexa.

 _Petit Biscuit- Memories_

She hears her name being called but continues to splash water on her face, leaning on the counter with her elbows. She turns around and uses the towel on the rack to wipe her face. It smells like Clarke and is still damp from her shower. Lexa inhales as she shoves her face deeper in to the soft fabric. The smell calms her even more as she breathes it in.  
She is trying to convince herself that Clarke doesn't want Bellamy and that he is grasping at air but she can't help feel that something isn't right. She hears her name being called again and takes a look in the mirror before she exits. She unbuttons another button, leaving more chest showing and then smiles. _Time to change the game._ She decides to get her head in it and win it, whatever it was.

Emerging from the hall she sees everyone gathered around the kitchen bar holding orange shots in the air, she fanes a smile and grabs her shot that Raven extends out to her.

"To the Houston Hut and all the memories we have had and will have! Love you guys!" Raven boasts and clinks her glass with the rest of them that come together in the middle.

"Chin Chin!" Monty cheers and they all shoot the shots back.

"Ugh Raven, did you put like a drop of OJ in each of these?" Clarke makes a toad face.

"I think it is safe to say all shots in this house are shit! No one knows how to bartend, haha" Octavia squeals. Clarke remembers that Lexa had mentioned that she bartended for a couple years.

"Lexa knows how!" She gleams over to Lexa who blushes at the wave of eyes that fall upon her.

"MAKE US SOMETHING!" Raven yells, grabbing her by the shoulders and leading her in the kitchen near the ingredients.

Lexa fidgets and doesn't really know what to make, "Well what other ingredients do you guys have besides, orange juice, vodka and hpnotiq?"

Clarke jumps for the opportunity to help and climbs up on the counter to their liquor cabinet. Monty, Jasper, and Bellamy start setting up the game. Bellamy jogs in to the kitchen and gets really close to Clarke's thighs as he reaches for the cabinet beside her where the shot glasses are. He gets out as many shot glasses as she can. Lexa clenches her jaw, which is starting to ache, and instead of watching this time she walks over to Clarke and gets up on the counter with her, putting one of her legs in between Clarke's from behind. Her crotch is now pressed up against her ass as she leans in to peek over her shoulder. Bellamy scowls and finishes filling his arms up with glasses and heads into the living room. Lexa glances down and grins, noticing she won that battle. Clarke smiles at her and her cheeks turn pink as she feels Lexa's core pressed against her butt. "Oh hi…" She says softly to the brunette who is all the sudden so close.

"Hey…" Lexa breathes as her eyes glance down at her lips. She lifts her hand up to grip the back of Clarke's neck and pulls her in for a long awaited kiss. She is tired of letting the situation control her; it's time she took control of the situation. She opens her mouth and lets Clarke's top lip enter her moistened arena. Clarke's breath hitches as she is sucked in and her shoulders drop. She has been waiting for this since she left on her scooter this morning. "Mmm Lexa…" The sound of need trickles off her name. Clarke pulls away just to turn her head and deepens the kiss. Lexa lets her take over and moans at the quickening pace of their tongues. She pushes Clarke's center into the cabinets with a thrust of her hips. She pulls away and rests her lips against her neck. Her hands grip at her hips, pulling her bottom half into her swaying core. Lexa nibbles and sucks hard just so she can leave marks for everyone-for Bellamy, to see. She doesn't like games, but she will be damned if she sits around and allows Asslamy to sway the tide.

Clarke doesn't care if she leaves marks; she wants it and is relishing in the attention. Her eyes close focusing on the nips at her neck, the sensation heats her blood. She grips the cabinet door as she feels Lexa's long fingers slide up her sides, lifting her shirt up to touch bare skin. Clarke's center clenches and she doesn't even try to hold back the moan that escapes her.

"HEY! We are thirsty down here you two, I love what I am seeing but _really_ , shots shots shots shots shots!" Raven laughs as she grabs both of their ankles and threatens to pull them both off of the counter. They lean away from each other and laugh at Raven's threat; half scared because they wouldn't put it passed her to do it. Grabbing what they can from up top they bring it down to the counter to see what Lexa can make.

"Okay… so I have apple pucker, rum, gin, tequila, triple sec and vodka. We have orange juice and limes. So I can make margarita shots?! Or like a Texas tea with the cokes that are in the fridge, since the gin is like really low?" She looks around to see people ponder and she decides to just do both, since there will be like 37 shots on the mats and the people need drinks. They would put more on the mat but that is all the shot glasses that were available between Clarke, Raven, and Octavia. Which is still a fuck ton of shot glasses.

Octavia and Raven made their way into the living room to let them make the batches together. Satisfied at their cupid handy work. Lexa starts to mix a batch of margarita in one bowl and a batch of Texas tea in the other. She tells Clarke to squeeze all the limes they have into two glasses, add 3 heaping spoon full of sugar in each, and then add hot water to the top to melt the sugar. Once she is done pouring equal parts tequila, rum, vodka and triple sec into the bowl she asks, "Okay Clarke, does your lime-aid taste good? It is suppose to be a little sweet and a little sour."

Clarke stirs it one last time, trying to melt all the little sugars that sunk to the bottom. "Let me taste it real quick" She sticks her finger in it and sucks on it while she looks at Lexa. She tries to look sexy but her face flattens and her eyes go squinty, "Shhour.. I don't know, you try?" Lexa steps closer to her and grabs Clarke's finger and stirs it around in the cup, lifts it out and sucks on it really slowly. Clarke's eyes flash wide almost losing her eyelids to the back of her head. She stairs at her plush lips fold out as her finger slides beneath them. _Oh god…_

Lexa licks all over her finger before pulling it out, "Tastes good to me! Now add it into this bowl here." Her eyebrow rose up as she catches Clarke's eyes still staring at her lips. " _Clarke_ …" she sings.

"Huh?"

Lexa smiles and guides her hand to the cup, "Pour this into that bowl, can you do that for me?" Clarke snaps back and quickly complies and pours the mix into the bowl. "Good girl… Now can you go to the fridge and grab me a coke can?" Clarke looks up into her smug little face and she scrunches her nose at her, knowing she did that on purpose. And is now treating her like a child. Her center is beginning to ache, like it needs release, and it is becoming torture to be this close to Lexa with out being able to act on it. She slinks over to the fridge and grabs a soda.

The gang had set up the living room and was waiting on the batches to be made. Mostly Clarke consumed the blue lagoon crap that was intended for Drister, so this is their only hope, besides Miller Lite. And the only people who don't mind drinking that swill are Raven and Bellamy. As they waited, Raven and Bellamy played quarters on the coffee table as the others chit chatted about the probability that professor Lincoln's research team would consist mostly of girls. Monty heard that he was accused of seeing a female student from South Den U and that is why he transferred over to their school. Octavia sat up, "NO WAY, Monty! You think North Den would accept him if those allegations were true?" Her voice was a bit intrigued and Raven took notice.

"He probably buried her body and all the evidence with her, so they had no proof Octavia." She retorted with nasally undertones as Bellamy sunk his shot. "ASS!"

Octavia grinned at the jealousy coming from Raven and continued to ask Monty about Lincoln's history.

 _Sango ft. SPZRKT- Middle Of Things, Beautiful Wife (Stwo Remix)_

Clarke walks up behind Lexa finishing the margarita batch and pins her against the counter. They are a little hidden now because they are mixing in the corner of the kitchen, behind the row of cabinets that stick out a little ways with the bar. Her hands grab the edge of the counter on both sides of Lexa as she pushes into her ass. "I want you…" She breathes into Lexa's ear. Clarke has had a lot to drink and all her inhibitions are nonexistent. Her lips press against her pulse point as she exhales into her thrust. She wants her to want her; she needs to see it. "Lexa…" She moans, grabbing her ear between her teeth.

Lexa stops mixing and leans forward bracing the weight pressing against her with the palms of her hands on the counter. Her chest weighing heavy as the size of her heart expands from every wave of heat flowing through it. "ohmygo—mmm" Clarke's mouth is sucking on her ear as she takes in the melodic pressure of her crotch against her backside. She wants this so bad; She needs it even more. Lexa reaches behind her and shoves her hand into the front of Clarke's joggers to feel her. Her fingers slide through her folds with ease, the blonde is wet for her. "Lex—" Clarke gasps at the unexpected touch within her making her moan almost loud enough to be heard over the music playing. Lexa feels a surge run through her into her clit and at that moment she knows how wet she is too.

Clarke moans lace with her breath. With each exhale she lets out a whimper. Her lips pressed into Lexa's ear, trembling. Clarke takes her hands off the counter and cups Lexa's breasts, massaging them as she feels her long fingers toggle at her. She wants more and thirsts for the length of her hand inside of her. Almost if she reads her mind, Lexa shoves her middle finger deep inside her and pulls out. Clarke whines into a sigh when she realizes that is all she is going to get. Lexa whips around and grabs her ass and pulls it into her. Her lips now inches away from her face. She makes sure Clarke is watching as she lifts her middle finger and slides it into her mouth, tasting her; taunting her. The blonde steps back and her mouth drops open. "Fuuuck" She says, her mouth is dry and she wants nothing more than to wet it with Lexa's sex. Lexa grins with hunger and turns around to keep mixing, like nothing happened. Clarke is standing in the middle of the kitchen, left and done dirty.

Bellamy looks over and sees Clarke standing in the middle of the kitchen looking stunned. He begins to stand up when Raven glances at where he is going and throws a quarter at his head, "You better sit the fuck down Bellamy. Quit acting like a child and let them be!" He stops getting up but he doesn't take his eyes off of her. "You better cool it Bell or Lexa won't be the only one kicking your ass tonight." Bellamy looks back at Raven and furrows his brow, "Whatever Raven." They all know how he feels for Clarke, he has asked all of them advice on what it would take to get her to date him. He never worked up the courage to truly ask her on one, but made all the wrong moves to insinuate that he wanted one.

"Yo! Where dem drinks at Lexa?!" Jasper calls out, growing thirsty and tired of talking about Lincoln.

Lexa lifts a spoon full of margarita up, "Come over here and taste this, tell me if it's good enough." Clarke smiles and bites her lip as she saunters back over to her. She takes the spoon in her mouth and was surprised how good it was. Lexa had added the rest of the triple sec, tequila, lime-aid and orange juice. "Should I add some apple pucker? It could be an apple margarita? Haha" Clarke shook her head, "It's actually perfect how it is Lexa, good job!" She grabs the spoon and takes a few more gulps of the batch. Lexa licks her lips and cups Clarke's ass. She spits the margarita that was in her mouth over the batch. Turns and glares at Lexa, "It's _so_ good you guys! We are coming!" Clarke shouts grabbing the margarita batch to pour half of it into the now empty pitcher. Lexa shifts behind Clarke and grabs her by the waist hard and whispers in to her ear, " I want you too…" She smiles at the words and leans back to kiss Lexa on the cheek, then makes her way to the living room. "Marrrrrgarrrittaa! Cha Cha Cha!" Clarke shouts as she kneels down and starts pouring it into random shot glasses, making room for the other mix to scatter around.

She finished filling all 37 shot glasses with both batches and they had to decide who would be dubbed the spinner. Everyone wanted to play so they resorted to the archaic tactics of rock paper scissors. The first round winners all got to play, Jasper, Raven, and Clarke. The losers got to play each other, Monty won against Bellamy and Octavia lost against Lexa. Now it was down to Lexa and Bellamy. _Of fucking course…_ Lexa glares into his beady eyes and squeezes her fist over her palm so tight her knuckles were white. Bellamy grins, "you're going down!" he spouts. Lexa leans in and whispers, "I hope I do all night long." His eyes widen as Raven yells, "BEGIN!"

"Rock, paper, scissors, Shoot!" Lexa throws paper as Bellamy throws scissors. "HAHH!" He yells and throws his arms up in the air in victory. It wasn't best two out of three because they were the tying losers and it took just one to decide the loser of the losers. "Lexa the loser" Bellamy slurs, tipsy and cocky. Lexa broods and shuffles over to the spinner that sat on the couch. Raven announces, "If you knock over any of the game shots you must, I repeat, you MUST suck it up off the stinky feet mat, so DO NOT spill the game shots." The order of who goes first was decided amongst the winners when the losers were playing. Raven is first, and Lexa spins to a green. She chose to put her hand on a green dot with a shot, because according to her, she was so ready to get fucked up.

The game goes on and they were all twisted amongst each other, half the shots taken. Octavia was wedged in between Raven and Monty with one hand near Jasper- her back facing the floor. Bellamy was towering over Monty with his top half near Octavia's head and his hands were under Clarke's arched body. Clarke had two feet under Raven and two hands outstretched toward the rest of the mat where Jasper was strategically placed. Her stomach was facing up like in a crab crawl. It was Bellamy's turn and Lexa spins a yellow. Lexa saw that there was a yellow dot in between Clarke's arms and a yellow dot that was closer to his right hand. She knew which one he would choose, so she stands up and hovers over where Clarke is to keep an eye out. The blonde sees her standing near and smiles at her. Sweat was collecting on her neck from holding herself up. Lexa couldn't help but laugh a little at the pain she knows she feels in her thighs. Clarke is anything but athletic and she hates exercise. Bellamy assesses his options and looks up toward Lexa, she sees him look up and she glares back at him shaking her head. _Don't you fucking do it._ He winks at her and looks back down. No one else can see this interaction, being tangled and pre occupied as to not spill the shot glasses. There have been so many random drinks and sweaty bodies on this mat, and it is so rarely cleaned they would have no idea what they would be slurping up.

Bellamy lifts himself up and reaches his right hand over Clarke's left arm, reaching for the shot glass. This causes his and Clarke's face to be inches apart. He has to lean into her to grab the shot glass before he can place his hand down. It just so happens her breasts are the only things he can use to keep his balance to reach for it, besides her face. Smiling with a big grin, he reaches for the shot extremely slowly- head on her chest and then attempts to pour it into his mouth. Lexa grips the spin board, nearly bending it in half as she watches this. Her blood is boiling and she feels her skin burn. Clarke is giggling up a storm because she is drunk and finds nothing harmful about his struggle. But Lexa sees it for what it really is. He spills most of it out of his mouth on 'accident' causing it to wet most of Clarke's white shirt.

 _Flyleaf- I'm So Sick_

This tips Lexa over the edge, "The FUCK Bellamy!" Spilling with madness, she lifts her foot, places it on his shoulder and kicks him off of Clarke with full force. He falls back and knocks everyone off balance; a few of them land on shot glasses including Bellamy. "OUCH!" they all blurt out in one form or another. _  
_  
"What the hell?!" Raven exclaims, rolling over grabbing her hip that landed right on a shot glass. Octavia didn't hit one and was so drunk she just started to bust out laughing. Monty winces, grabbing his ass in pain. Jasper was taking the rest of the shots that weren't tipped over before anyone else wises up. Clarke was on all fours airing out her shirt from the shot that Bellamy spilt, laughing at everyone else's demise. No one quite saw what happened and Clarke knew Lexa reacted to Bellamy's actions but thought nothing of it. It all happened so fast.

Bellamy gets up and jumps into Lexa's face, "You want to try that again?!" His chest bows out as he shifts his weight, pumping adrenaline through his body, ready for her to throw the first punch. "You don't deserve her," he mutters just soft enough for her to hear it, full of venom and jealousy. Lexa was used to guys getting in her face, she lived in one of the highest crime rated neighborhoods of south L.A. She keeps a straight face waiting and watching him bounce on his heels like a monkey. The whole night has built her up for this moment; she wanted him to make a move. _Fuck you Bellamy!_

"Just wait, she will come to me eventually after you hurt her again, it's only a matter of time," he taunts wanting to put her down, wanting her to break. She only stands up taller to his words and wants him out of her face. She shoves him hard away from her space causing him to fumble back and step on a shot glass. It breaks under his weight and by this point everyone has stopped laughing as they watch the anger spilling off the two of them. "BELLAMY! NO!" Octavia yells out, now on her feet trying to scramble to stop him from charging forward. She knows the look on his face and he is going to attack. Clarke hasn't gotten off the ground yet when she sees the fight happening. Her head turns toward Lexa who is in a fighting stance that looks all too familiar to her. Raven is on her feet, frozen in place, not sure what to do. Bellamy grunts, finding his balance, drunk and angrily barrels toward Lexa. Clarke gasps and reaches out to protect Lexa but in no time at all he was already throwing a right cross to her face. Lexa is surprised he actually wants to fight and she easily ducks out of his way simultaneously pushing Clarke from danger and knees him in the ribs with her right leg meeting his momentum with equal force. He falls onto his knees and she lands a left cross to his cheek ending the fight with his face in his hands.

" _Lexa stop,_ Why are you doing this!" Clarke yells and stands in between her and Bellamy. Lexa was raging, fists clenched, stance wide, she was ready for him if he were to get up and retaliate. "Maybe if he hadn't forced himself onto you, I wouldn't feel the need to protect you from him Clarke!"

Octavia had made it over to Bellamy and was checking to see if he was all right when she heard what Lexa had said. She chokes on her swallow and turns to Clarke. "Is that true Clarke?" Clarke cringes at the question and just nods her head.  
Monty and Jasper had crawled to safety and leans against the wall underneath the bar. Clarke looks up at Lexa and then back down to Bellamy, "Bell, what the hell… Why would you attack Lexa? Let me see…" Lexa scoffs at the fact she is comforting him instead of her and turns to storm off out the back door. Raven finally moves and has made her way over to the mess. She sees Lexa about to leave when she reaches out and manages to grab the end of her shirt, "Lexa! Are you okay?!" She yanks herself free from her grip and looks back at Raven with the most pain-filled eyes she has ever seen. They were full of tears, pain, regret and sadness. It made Raven feel so empty when she saw them. "What the fuck happened?!" She yells raising her arms into the air as she watches Lexa slam the glass door open and disappear around the house. Bellamy is crying into his hands, blood coming out of his mouth. He doesn't know what he does half the time when he is drunk, mix Clarke into it and he can't help himself. Raven looks down and doesn't offer him any sympathy knowing he deserved it. Octavia stands up and stares down at him and looks over to Raven. She couldn't believe Bellamy would try to do something like that to Clarke. She understood why Lexa kicked his ass but she never liked to see him hurting. He always stuck up for her and she would do it for him in a heartbeat but not if it was about her best friend, and especially not if he was willing to beat Lexa down. "Fucking hell Bell, why did you do that?" Octavia lifts him up and takes him into the bathroom. She will smack him in the head once she knows he is all right. Raven shakes her head in disbelief. She had no idea that had happened.

Clarke gets up off the mat and looks around, noticing Lexa had gone, " _Raven_! Where did she go?!"

"Why didn't you tell me Clarke?" Raven looks at her with sadness.

"It was nothing, he apologized. Raven! Where is Lexa?!"

She shrugs her shoulders, "I don't know Clarke! She just ran out that way…" She points toward the open glass door and puts her palms on top of her head and turns to look at Monty and Jasper. They both shrug their shoulders and hold their hands up in the air in innocence.

Clarke looks out the open door in panic and darts outside, _Fuck fuck fuck…please… God dammit!_

"LEXA!?"


	19. Chapter 19

**-CH.19 Unburdened  
**

Clarke runs out onto the patio like she had just missed her only opportunity to catch a train but it wasn't a train that was fleeting, it was her chance-her chance with Lexa-with love. She has never felt this way about anyone before and she hates the way it makes her act like an infant. Like she can only react on pure emotion, void of logic and reason. Her mind flashes to Finn as she frantically scans the yard for any movement.

"It's my fault…"

"It's my fault."

"It's all my fault."

She repeats this under her choked breath, wishing she wasn't who she is. She realizes how he must have felt, running after her—running for love. _I deserve this…_

She grunts loudly in frustration that she can't get a hold on anything. Every time it seems it could ease into happiness something rears its head to remind life it shouldn't ever be that simple. She knew Lexa and Bellamy weren't getting along and should have seen this coming but she ignored it because she didn't want to deal with anything. All she wanted was to forget about everything and immerse herself selfishly into Lexa's intoxicating atmosphere while drowning herself in alcohol. She wanted to be selfish. Clarke had finished about half a bottle of vodka on her own and it was catching up to her-adrenaline pumping hard courtesy of her overworking heart. _  
_  
The sky was clear that night; no clouds to obscure the obsidian stars that shines down upon her. Clarke's head falls backward in a neck breaking tilt bearing her face to the gleam of the moon. Each breath she takes is harder than the next where the oxygen that seems so abundant becomes a scarcity for her. Her pale skin reflects the light, not even the beams stay with her. She bore her soul to the stars, staring into them for any sign of vindication but she quickly cringes when she realizes she doesn't deserve absolution. Regret fills her eyes instead of tears as she takes a few steps forward-she can't breathe; panic sets in. She raises her arms trying to invite air into her lungs, gripping handfuls of her blonde hair. Her lip is pulled back above her teeth, gasping as she begins to break down- when suddenly she hears a low raspy voice call out—"I'm here Clarke."

 _Natalie Walker- Colorblind_

She chokes on nothing as she whips around so fast she almost falls, she braces herself on her knees coughing and catching each breath with sharp needling pain. It burns her throat with welcome. Her eyes never leave the shadowed figure barely visible.

Lexa is leaning against the side of the house peering just enough around the corner to offer the glimmer of her eye. She has a joint in her mouth burning red against the night. As she inhales the rusted burn it contrasts against her grey-green eyes and gives glow to her solemn expression. Clarke takes in sharp breaths allowing oxygen to flow back into her longing heart. The beats are now erratic and whether it was from the oxygen rushing back or just the mere sight of the girl that catalyzes her heart, it didn't matter—she was here. Clarke doesn't dare move an inch toward her, in fear that she'd scare her off; she stands still—watching her exist.

 _She's here…_

Lexa turns away, leaving a few tendrils of her chestnut hair blowing in the wind just beyond the threshold. She has one foot against the brick holding her up—seemingly calm and collected. But her cavalier disposition is only instigated by the blessings of the leaves rolled between her fingers. It contrasts how she really feels inside. She had let a part of her past come out-someone she thought she stowed away for good.

"You're still here…" Clarke calls out with a crackled breath. It wasn't really a question as it was a statement. Relief hits her hard as that train comes barreling back into station—her chance.

"Lexa…I'm so sorry…" She musters out before walking timidly towards her. Lexa turns her head away completely, vanishing from her line of sight. Clarke can sense that she doesn't want to talk or be touched so she just stands there near her, knowing she fucked up.

She takes in a deep breath and pieces the night together as she leans her back flush against the brick- _I should have been better_. The way she affects people never pans out as she intends. _Why am I like this…_ Clarke starts to question herself but bites her tongue because this is not about her now. It is about Lexa. She needs to focus on how she feels, her needs and her wants. Pushing her self pity and doubts down deep, she focuses on her breathing—listening for Lexa's breath to confirm she is still there.

 _She's still here…_

Lexa appreciates the space Clarke gives her now and questions how she can be so heedless to her feelings and how she can act with such capricious behavior. She takes in a drag as she justifies her own actions. _I did what had to be done. He wasn't going to stop; I've seen the look he had in so many other hungry men of L.A. The one's that would slowly drive by Anya and I, waiting for a glance in return to act upon their urges. Fuck that. I will gladly do it again and again._

Clarke stands silent defeated in her own actions when she sees a hand extended to her left. The offer is pinched between Lexa's thumb and pointer finger near her left arm. Lexa offers Clarke the joint, telling her with her gesture that she appreciates her presence and that she doesn't want her to leave. Clarke looks at her hand and flinches-her knuckles already sporting bruises. She reaches both of her hands out and grasps the joint with one hand and cups under her fist with the other and gently presses her soft lips to those knuckles. She can hear the sound of a sharp breath being taken and then feels Lexa let go of the bud and retract her hand back behind the wall. Clarke looks over and can see the moon hit Lexa's high cheekbones. The light bounces off with elegance into her eyes-sharp and narrowed. She takes two drags of Lexa's offer, keeping her eyes on that moonlit face and passes it back—only the sounds of their breath can be heard between them. Clarke leans back against her side of the house. They stand like this for a while, passing the joint back and forth until its done. Lexa breathes in the cold air, allowing her adrenaline to dissipate-allowing her pain to turn into another grave, burying it like she does everything else.

Clarke leans against one side of the house, while Lexa stands against the other. Separated by the sharp line of a bricked edge splitting their worlds into two. The blonde: a confused spirited soul who commits to a cautious deliverance. Her own temporal reservations cloud the truth of her heart as she struggles to accept something she deserves. The brunette: bound by a duty to herself, who fights the battles set before her no matter the personal cost. She wears a heart so scarred and calloused on her sleeve that still beats in full tenderness. These worlds rotate in chaos, trying to find a synchronous rhythm to orbit a common sun.

Clarke has her head down, fingers writhing with fingers. She knows she isn't communicating with Lexa and it's allowing the intensity of their feelings to metastasize into something counterproductive. They haven't spoken about their feelings because she thought actions spoke louder than words. But she realizes now that words can be powerful allies-they are what solidify actions into stone.

The air is thick on her tongue, influencing her to swallow repeatedly. She isn't good with words but she knows she must speak them now or risk losing Lexa for good. She slowly steps past the divide and positions herself in front of her-head down. She drops to her knees and as soon as she does Lexa's eyes flash down to see Clarke kneeling before her. Lexa's eyes fill with saline as she looks up toward the moon resisting the urge to reach out. Clarke lingers on her knees for a moment then leans into the brunette's stomach wrapping her arms around her legs.

She doesn't say a word-she just gives herself to her.

Her hands grip at Lexa's thighs in plea. She tells herself to breathe as she musters up the courage to speak. Reaching up to pull at her back, she shoves her face further into her stomach; breathing her in and sobbing with each exhale. _Forgive me…_  
The intoxicating scent fills her with devotion and the courage she needs to move forward. She turns her head and rests her cheek against her abdomen- feeling her breathing.

"Lexa…" her frail voice cracks at such a low whisper she isn't sure she uttered anything at all.

Lexa's gut wrenches at the feeling of Clarke's desperate cling. She hasn't shed one tear until this moment. Her eyes close tightly, "Clarke…" She whimpers into the sky. The very thought of Clarke's position sends timid radiation into her spine, making it weak and rigid.

"Just listen okay…?" Clarke tightens her hold and overlaps her arms wrapping them around completely.

Lexa offers her an encouraging touch and places a hand on top of her head as to say she is listening. Clarke blinks a few tears away before taking a deep breath.

"I'm _so_ sorry Lexa... Sorry for the way I have been treating you... Despite my justification of the past as culprit, my current struggle is unjustified… And you deserve way more than what I am giving. I…I can't keep blaming the past for my actions and you have been more than capable of putting yours behind you… for me..." Her voice quivers as she chokes back a sob. "For us…" She wipes her tears on Lexa's stomach, nuzzling her before turning her face to the other side. "I'm sorry for the pain you've had to experience to get here and that I keep causing you more of it. I want nothing more than to wipe it all away and keep you close to prevent anyone else from hurting you…" She lets out a few more tears, trying to catch her breath to continue. Lexa curls her fingers into her scalp and pulls her closer.

"Your pain is my pain Lexa…" She looks up to find those green eyes blaring into her.

Lexa grits her teeth as tears fall down her face, one almost landing on Clarke's cheek. She finds sapphire in the mines of Clarke's eyes looking up at her as she continues to speak, locking their eyes into aquamarine "… I promise to treat your needs as my needs, your wants as my wants…. I want to be with you, _only_ you. I don't want anyone else…I…I swear fealty to you Lexa…I—" Lexa falls to her knees and takes Clarke's face into her hands. Her tears now flow without forbearance as she pulls the vowing girl's lips into hers. Clarke cries out into her mouth and grips onto her back to keep her there, never wanting to let go. The saltiness of their tears surround their mouths, seeping into the gaps as they take deep breaths in between their lip's embrace. Clarke pulls away to look into her eyes once more and she sees hindrance behind them. "I promise… I'll be better." She looks from eye to eye as she sees her reservation melt away into bigger tears. Clarke breaks a little and kisses at them as they descend, wiping them away with her own cheeks as she kisses her face. She wraps her arms around Lexa's neck and pulls her in, whispering her promises over and over again until she believes her. "I want you Lexa, _all_ of you. As you were…as you are…"

Lexa breaks and falls into Clarke's arms. The pain of her past tearing at the present, she hasn't had to fight anyone in years. She usually needed to fight for survival, but this time it wasn't. This time it was for someone other than herself-for something other than just surviving.

-

Octavia is in the bathroom with Bellamy and is wiping the blood from his face. His cheek bears a gash and his teeth had cut inside the walls of his mouth.

" I can't say you didn't deserve this Bellamy. You pushed things too far this time." Octavia says with disdain in her voice.

He grabs the washcloth from her first with contempt but then with anguish.

"I lost her, didn't I?"

O takes a deep breath and is about to speak-

 **SLAM**

The door _flings_ open into the adjacent wall, revealing Raven's rage riddled frame. She lunges toward Bellamy, "I will fucking _kill_ you!" Her hand manages to grasp a handful of his hair before Octavia bucks up and shoves her back out the doorway-pulling some hair out with her.

"Raven- Stop! I got this!" she shouts with anger and understanding. Raven looks at her with narrowed eyes that burn sienna instead of their usual deep umber.

"He—"

"I know Raven…I got this…" Octavia insists, pushing Raven back by her stomach. The mechanic's hands are clenched on both sides of the doorframe, glaring at Bellamy. When Raven finally registered what Lexa had said, that a threat to her family was sitting right there in the living room, she turned ravenous.

She growls deep in her throat. Octavia feels her tensing against her palms as her tears begin to swell on the ledge of her lashes.

"Raven… _please..._ "

Her umber eyes rip away from the intruder and focuses on the woman pleading in front of her. She relaxes her shoulders and drops her hands from the vice she held on the doorframe. The look in Octavia's eyes is just as infuriated but is coated in deep-rooted loyalty and sadness. She doesn't want to defend him; she wants to kill him just as much as Raven but she can't. He is her brother—her blood.

She lets her eyes fall to the floor at the realization of her relation, full of disappointment and guilt. Before her chin reaches her chest, she feels a calloused yet soft palm cup her cheek. Raven touches her face in the most delicate of ways, letting her pinky fall under her chin, lifting it back up. Octavia swallows at the sincerity and closes her eyes. Raven shifts her gaze back to Bellamy who is sitting on the toilet watching Octavia's pain. Her eyes shoot death rays into his face before she looks back to the tamed girl—her eyes now open. Raven looks into them, nods once and steps backwards to leave her to it.

Octavia breathes out heavy as she closes the door once again, slowly turning around with one hand still on the doorknob.

"I don't think you can come here anymore…at least not for a long while." She pauses at the thought of banishing him but he violated everything she built here, everything she holds dear. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you?"

Bellamy shrugs his shoulders in defeat, "I…I'm fucked up O and I don't know what I'm doing anymore…" He lowers his head, chin against his chest. "She was the only thing that made me excited to live…. The days just roll by and its like I am just waiting for them to run out." He explains getting up to spit red into the sink.

She puts her hair up in a ponytail to prevent it from sticking to her now damp face and to reduce the heat she feels on her neck. Octavia looks in the mirror at Bellamy who is looking right back. She sees a boy, not a man—this boy was lost and jaded. The harder she looks into his face she begins to see the nine-year-old boy who is full of fire and fear-the same boy who saved her from so much pain; the boy who saved her from having those awful memories. She realizes now that he took those memories _for_ her; he took the bruises and the scars—the burden of most of it. Octavia takes a deep breath and puts a hand onto his back. He flinches at the touch but relaxes into it as she speaks.

"Bellamy… Life has never been kind and it won't start now. You have to find something within yourself worth living for. Not one other person will do that for you. Finding someone you want to share your light with will happen, but first you have to find the fire within yourself before you can share it with anyone else. How can someone love you if you can't even do that for yourself Bell?" She takes a few steps closer and lays the side of her cheek on his side. "I love you and I can't thank you enough for always being there for me but if you _ever_ touch Clarke or any of my friends again. I won't hesitate to kick your ass." By the last words she had stepped back and grips the doorknob once again. He looks at her with shame and nods his head.

"Now I think its time for you to go." Octavia opens the door and guides him out with her hand on his shoulder.

"I should apologize…" He says as they walk toward the front door.

"No…you shouldn't. Its done and I doubt they need your apology. Just go Bellamy..." Octavia is disappointed in her brother and doesn't want him anywhere near Clarke right now. All she can think about is what he did and how it happened. She desperately wants to talk to Clarke because all she feels is guilt. She feels partly responsible for letting it happen or being the person connected to his actions by blood. She feels sick and wants nothing more than to punch him into submission.

Monty and Jasper left shortly after the event and told Raven to tell the rest goodbye for them. They felt extremely awkward at the sudden implosion of their group dynamic.

Raven walks up behind Octavia as she is saying goodbye and places a hand on her shoulder and the other on the door protectively guarding her home—her family.

Bellamy stands just outside of the doorway and looks back at them for what seems like ages. He sighs a deep exhale and mutters, "I'm sorry" with a defeated cadence.

Raven's eyes are fierce as she just nods, shuts the door and locks it. Octavia hangs her head with her hands resting on her hips.

"I don't know Raven…"

Raven sees her struggling, stretches her limbs through the gaps between her arms and pulls her into a tight embrace. "It'll be okay," she whispers into her hair but she isn't sure if it will be, she just knows that she needs to hear it. Octavia sighs in her shoulder and brings her arms around to hold her in return.

"I told him he shouldn't come here anymore."

Raven tightens her grip, "You're right. He shouldn't."

She rubs Octavia's back and kisses her on the head. They stand there in front of the door hugging for a while. Holding each other safely and longingly. They reassure themselves with their squeezes and sighs that they wouldn't hurt each other-that they will be there for each other no matter what.

"You think she'll be okay?" Octavia whispers in her shoulder.

"Who?"

"Lexa…"

Raven lifts her cheek from her head and glances toward the back door that is still open. She shakes her head causing her chin to mess up Octavia's hair, "I don't know... She is a strong person and obviously can handle her own. Lexa has been patient with Clarke for a very long time. I am not sure what will happen..."

"She didn't seem like herself, did you find out what was wrong with her?"

"Who?"

"Clarke"

"Yeah…"

Octavia pushes away just enough to look at Raven's face, "Tell me..."

Raven sighs, "She received a letter in the mail from Finn's mom and read it today." She looks down into Octavia's eyes that are now wide and worried.

"What…" she breathes as she flashes back to how Clarke was after Finn's death. She was distant and taciturn. Their friendship was strained and Octavia was afraid she would lose Clarke forever. Finn's mother made it even harder on her by blaming her for his death.

 _Tom Odell- Another Love_

 _The color black pocked the grasses of Reshop Cemetery as they gather around the lowered mahogany coffin. A floral wreath hung tightly around the image of a boy gone too soon. The funeral had just concluded as the frail blonde girl runs toward the corner of the stone laden field._

 _She falls to her knees, staining her only pair of pantyhose._

 _She lets herself go as the death of her boyfriend rots her insides, each organ screams against their existence. She sits on her heels cringing at the emptiness, like her vital organs have all but abandoned her. She cries out to the sky, "Why do you take them all away from me?!"_

 _Octavia hugs Abby while she holds Raven's hand tight. They feel the weight of his death too, for he was a good friend. It was hard for all of them. But they knew it weighed on Clarke the most. Octavia pulls away from the crowd and swivels her head around looking for Clarke._

 _"Raven! Where is Clarke?" She gasps, dragging Raven in circles trying to look in all directions._

 _"I don't know! She couldn't have gone far, we will find her O."_

 _Clarke started to hyperventilate when suddenly she felt a hand grab her by the shoulder. A gasp of air burns her throat as she winces at the unexpected touch. It wasn't an endearing hold; it was more like a clamp._

 _"You!" A voice stained with hate and blame._

 _Clarke sits up off her heels and looks up to find Finn's mom glaring down at her, her hand tightening around her shoulder making her cower back down._

 _"This is YOUR fault. You did this to my boy! You don't deserve to live while he lies in the ground! You never loved him...You... You worthless girl!"_

 _She looks up into the red wrinkled face that bore down upon her in complete anguish. She felt the burn of her eyes melt right through her skin to her bones. Clarke starts to tremble but doesn't dare look away. She hates herself just as much as she does. She opens her mouth and tries to speak,_

 _"I…I'm so—"_

 _"OH! Don't you speak those words! You aren't sorry, if you were sorry you'd be crawling into the ground with him and never return… You know how many times I caught him crying because you didn't love him enough! I don't know why he wasted his life with you. This is your fault!"_

 _The woman starts crying as she spits venom at Clarke. Telling her she is nothing and that she will die alone. She curses her name and hopes her dead dad doesn't see her now. That god was punishing her by taking all the men in her life away because she wasn't worthy._

 _After what seemed like hours, Finn's mom finally pushes Clarke to the ground and storms off. Leaving Clarke curled up against a gravestone that read Becca Christopher 1776-1870 'May We Meet Again.'_

 _She lay there on top of all the grounders and she hurts for them-her father's grave not but two rows over. She wishes she were one of them._

 _Octavia and Raven come running to her from afar after noticing Finn's mom approach the parking lot from the corner of the cemetery. They find her pale, eyes frozen open, jaw clenched, and trembling beyond recognition._

 _"OMG! Clarke…" Octavia drops to her knees and puts her hand on her cheek. "Clarke?" She shakes her shoulder, trying to register the girl. She doesn't budge; all they can hear is her mumbling._

 _"What is it Clarke?!" Tears running down Octavia's face at the sight of her broken friend. She leans her ear down to her lips as she tries to make out what she is saying._

 _"It's my fault…It's my fault…It's my fault…" These words escape her mouth with nothing but an iota of breath. Octavia shoots up and glares toward the woman now getting into her car._

 _"That fucking cunt!"_

 _"What Octavia?!" Raven looks out toward the parking lot and then at her. She lets her rage against the ghost and casts her eyes down at Clarke. She kneels next to her and places a delicate hand on her arm._

 _"Finn's mom must have done something Raven." Octavia says still blazing toward the woman now just sitting in her car._

 _Raven nods, her focus on Clarke and tells her, "Go get Abby…"_

 _Octavia just stands there, now looking down at both of them when Raven yells, "Now Octavia!"_

 _She jolts out of her fuming daze and runs. She wanted nothing more than to run to that woman's car but she saw Abby and knew this was way more important than vengeance. She grabs Abby's arm who was talking to the rest of Finn's family. Abby looks at her with confusion until she sees the look on her face and then to Raven in the distance waving her arms. She runs over to Clarke and sees her curled up in a ball. Abby falls to her knees and practically hugs Clarke on the ground. She whispers into her ear as she holds her close and Raven can see Clarke visibly relax. Her eyes close but she doesn't shed a tear like they have all dried up along with the rest of her, "It's my fault mom! I didn't love him enough…" Her voice was broken and frail._

 _Abby shakes her head and consoles her, " Shhh, it is absolutely not your fault honey. You loved him very much and he was willing to love you no matter what. It was an accident and it is not your fault…it's not your fault." She kisses her daughters cheek as her voice falls into a whisper repeating the last phrase over and over. Clarke shudders and takes a few deep breaths before sitting up against the stone now hugging her mom-hanging on to life._

 _Octavia clenches her fist and releases them as she sees Clarke returning to as normal as can be right now. She had just lost two important people in her life. The break down she had when her dad passed was ten times worse than this and is thankful Abby was able to bring her out of it. However weeks go by and Clarke ignores Octavia and Raven's call. She shuts everyone out and disappears for hours even days at a time. Octavia would get phone calls from Abby asking if she has seen Clarke but she would have no idea where she would be. Finally Octavia was able to ambush her at her house and force her to talk to her. She told her about Lexa and how she was saving her, and that she could feel happiness peek through the darkness inside her. Octavia was happy for her and supported her completely. Raven, however, was weary. Until Valentines Day-when she disappeared again…_

-

Finn's death date was coming up and Octavia realizes this as the memory fades away. The last few days have been pivotal and she can't believe she had been so distracted that she actually forgot. She pushes from Raven and looks at her with concern, "January 23rd is coming up…"

Raven nods and had been reminded of this when Clarke told her about the letter. She understood why Clarke was acting out-she wanted to forget…about everything.

"She needs Lexa now more than anything. I hope she found her Octavia." She pulls her in close again and cradles her head against her shoulder as O's eyes begin to swell. " D-day was unbearable and this one will be hard on her too-hard on all of us. I hate these months, I really _really_ do." 

-

Clarke is exhausted after finding the words that still didn't feel like enough. It all lead up to this moment—all her struggle, pain and sacrifice. She stopped holding back, she let the feelings she has been so afraid to feel wash over her. She owed nothing more to anyone and she let that burden go. She let her responsibility to protect herself and her people fall off her like a shroud because this time…this for something more… this is for Lexa. Clarke stopped thinking about her past and her doubts of the future. She for once focused on the present. Now that the words have left her she feels exposed and entirely vulnerable. Her head starts to spin in conjunction with the ringing of her ears. The beat of her heart has no rhythm, fast then slow—not sure what she needs. Her mind flashes to her dad and then Finn—the letter. She knows that day is coming. It wasn't a harsh letter but it wasn't kind either—she knew the venom she hid behind the ink was there. She feels the guilt of his death weigh on her unguarded heart as she imagines meeting her face to face. The obligation is interlaced with utter fear. She _has_ to meet her; after all it was her fault. _It is my fault…_ Clarke tries to move her hands up to hold Lexa tighter but she couldn't—they were as heavy as anvils. She looks up at the stars and tries to focus on one in particular, brighter than the rest. Her face tingles as she looks up. She notices how the earth rotates while the stars try to keep up. She sees hundreds of shooting stars now. _"Wow, that's beautiful…"_ The sound waves that emit from her mouth are demure _._ Her whole world begins to spin. She tries to brace herself but her fingers can't reac- Her eyes try to steal a glimpse of her face but every time she tries to look it's a blur-its not there—she gets smaller and smaller… " _Wait… don't leave Lexa… I...L-"_ She collapses.

Her brain said sorry as it gave her all it had left. Her heart jousted against the coup but couldn't pump nearly hard enough. The alcohol had thinned her blood riddling it a useless weapon to counter her brain's defiance. The natural sedative of what she inhaled offered little help in her cognizance. Clarke had opened the levee. She let her feelings flow in order to show Lexa what she truly means to her. However, it not only allowed her feelings to flow freely, it enabled everything else she put behind that embankment to flood out with it. She tried to put all she felt behind that wall, especially when others needed her more. She was the kind of person who never took too much from someone else without knowing that they had enough of what they needed—even if they didn't know themselves, she always thought _she_ did—silly stubborn girl. That was the doctor in her; she loved helping people—needed to. She tried to give too much of herself to everyone around her, regardless if they deserved it or not. She had felt that way with Finn most of the time. He needed her, so she gave it to him. And on that day in January, where she felt like she couldn't give herself to him anymore, the day she decided he needed to hear the truth, that she didn't love him the way he needed her to…he paid the ultimate price. That day she buried more than someone she cared about, she buried her own needs and wants. She promised herself, if she could, she would give any part of her to anyone who needed it. Bellamy had been there for her through the worst times and part of her did want to give him what she knew he wanted. The part of her that wanted to help him yearned to yield to his pain. It was all flawed but she wanted to bear it so they wouldn't have to. The past few months had sapped her of the resilience she fought so hard to keep. Her brain was just as stubborn but even _it_ had its limits and it was telling her she had reached hers too. This last week gave Clarke a picture of what her life could look like if it wasn't haunted constantly by her fear: of the past, of her feelings, of pain, most of all the future. And it was just too much for the blonde—it all went black.

"I am not leaving Clarke, I am right here…" Lexa holds her tighter. She thought what Clarke was about to say was too much for her and so she doesn't quite register what is happening. Her body is limp in her arms and as soon as Clarke's limbs fall behind her like a swinging pendulum, Lexa jerks her head back in immediate panic,

"Clarke?!"  
The feeling of all things alive, fall dead inside of her. Her heart screams as she looks at Clarke's pale face. She tries to hold her up but her head falls back.

"Clarke!"

Lexa's breath is rapid now and her heart thuds against her cavity at lightening speed—She puts her ear to her chest… _okay, her heart is still beating_ … _her chest is still rising_ …

"Okay…. okay…" She lifts her knee off the ground to support Clarke's back so she can put her arm behind her knees and lift her up. She manages to grip under her legs and her back and push off of her knee to stand.

"Clarke...Come on baby…Wake up!" She calls out to her while shaking her in her arms, rubbing her cheek against hers like you would to a newborn pup that isn't breathing.

"Wake up…" she strains. Clarke felt cold. She whines as she struggles to walk, "What's happening…"

Lexa has seen Clarke have a few panic attacks but she has never passed out before. She has always been able to calm her down before anything worse happens. Those weeks after Finn's death, they grew very close and she had to help her breathe a few times while they were together but it never came to this.

Lexa's eyes are wide and puffy as she stares down at her white complexion- eyes barely open. She picks up her pace, leaps onto the patio, looks up and is thankful the glass door is still open. "RAVEN!" She shouts as she walks through the doorway. Her muscles strain from the weight of Clarke's limp body.

She stands there in the living room, limbs and hair cascade all around her as pools of tears hug against her face. " _help_ …" she manages to choke out.

Octavia and Raven were still hugging near the front door when they both turn their heads to see Clarke's lifeless body dangling in Lexa's arms. They push off of each other and rush to Clarke's aid.

" _Christ!_ What happened?!" They both cry out curses trying to help Lexa carry her to the couch. They manage to lay her down on her back, one arm and leg dangles off the edge. Lexa kneels in between her legs as she towers over the blonde cupping her cheek, slapping it to muster her conscious— to no avail. Octavia has her wrist in her hand, reading her pulse like Abby taught her and Raven runs to the kitchen grabbing a glass- fills it up with cold water.

"Clark, wake up love…Come on…" Lexa begs, her lips press against her forehead-kissing gentle reminders of a life worth living.

Clarke hears muted voices and feels like she is falling so fast-

 **Splash  
**  
Raven comes barging through both of them and throws the cold water on the sleeping beauty. It splashes Lexa after it smothers Clarke's barely breathing face. She looks up at Raven in fury,

"What the HELL?!" Raven looks at her and flinches.

Clarke's fall was met with a cold hard surface- face first. She feels the sudden pain burn her nose and eyes as her conscious mind smacks the front of her scull. _FUCK!_  
Her back arches off the couch as she gasps for air choking on the water that got into her mouth. Her skin crawls as her brain strains for clarity reaching for calm. An acidic burn bellows in her chest-everything hurts-She can't hold it in—her eyes feel like fire. She turns so she can scream but instead of her voice, she feels hot acid in her throat. She flings herself over the edge of the couch and throws up all over Octavia's feet.

"Oh…mygod…" Octavia whines holding Clarke's hair away from her face as she continues to throw up-not moving as the liquid envelopes her feet with the color blue. Lexa breathes for the first time in what seemed like hours and just rubs at her back watching her cry and blow chunks at the same time. She winces as she waits for her to calm, this hurts her to watch. She can't stand to see her struggle like this.

"It's okay Clarke…let it out… We're here." She whispers this to her over and over again.

Eventually she calms down into a quiet sob; dribble still attached to her lips. Raven had jumped out of the way of the blue lagoon and ran to get towels and a washcloth from the bathroom. Lexa takes the damp cloth from her to wipe Clarke's face and mouth.

"Maybe she drank way too much, she was going pretty hard," Raven offers justification but Lexa looks at her again but this time with worry and then focuses on Clarke once more "Shhh, just breathe Clarke…"

Raven throws a towel over the mess at O's feet and another on Clarke's chest. Clarke reaches out to Lexa and squeezes her arms with all the strength she has left. "I'm here Clarke, I'm not going anywhere…" Lexa ensures. The broken girl falls back into the couch and turns to shove her face into the comfort of the crevice. One of her hands still has a strong grip on Lexa's arm as she begins to sob into the couch.

Octavia sighs at the relief that she is functioning-alive. She rubs Clarke's shoulder for a bit before remembering the warm pool of vomit at her feet. She steps over the towel and stands on it while she grabs the last towel from Raven and wipes the blue off of herself and says, "I'm sorry Clarke."

She feels guilty for making her worry earlier in the day and for Bellamy. She squeezes Clarke's arm and then walks to the kitchen to clean up. She takes her pants off and puts them in a plastic bag, turning her head away to gag in the air. She disappears down the hall to clean herself up. Raven is standing near Clarke's head, her arms wrapped around her own waist. Her eyes are closed holding back the tears her cheeks rarely get to meet.

Lexa sits back on her heel, still in between Clarke's legs with her arm extended to accommodate the blonde's grip. She attempts to get up to refill the glass with water but Clarke wouldn't let go—so she stays.

The tension in the room dissipates into a dour pulse of worry. No one is saying anything; the room is silent except for the fading cries of Clarke in the couch. Her sobs reside into mere whimpers now—body completely spent. When her breathing slows into a sleep like rhythm, Lexa looks to Raven whose eyes are fixated on the fireplace.

"Help me get her to the bed?"

She requests this with a sag in her voice, exhausted from the day's sturm and drang. Clarke had said all the words she wanted and needed to hear that they didn't seem real enough to her at the time. The moment Clarke collapsed everything Lexa was absorbing siphoned into her paramount safety. She desired nothing more than Clarke's well being even if that meant ignoring her heart. It was her sense of duty that superseded the allegiance to the 11 ounces that sits in her chest. Lexa never had the words to translate her feelings for Clarke. She wanted to bring it up so many times after that satin stained day in the studio but couldn't recruit enough courageous words to forge through those frontlines. And when Clarke pledged her fealty and exposed her insides, the sky as their witness, it hit Lexa like gamma. Her whole existence was sublimated. It happened so fast that she wasn't even sure it was happening. She was already reconciling with herself that she may have lost her and then to have her kneel in pure devotion?—un-fucking-believable. **  
**  
Raven nods with out returning her gaze. Lexa once again places her arm behind Clarke's knees as her other arm braces her back, she lifts up while Raven does the same from the other side just as a precaution. They shuffle into Clarke's room and as Raven turns down the sheets Lexa has her completely in her grasp. Clarke holds onto her neck, not out of a conscious effort but out of reflex. She always wanted to hold on to Lexa; since the first day they met she never wanted to let go. Their faces inches apart- Lexa leans in with her cheek and whispers, "I love you..." -placing the sweetest kiss she can muster onto her cheek and then pulls away just far enough to leave their noses touching. She could almost see a smile lift at the corner of Clarke's lip but isn't sure. Lexa knew her declaration fell on a barely conscious audience but it was a leap and she wanted to take it right then there. She would do it again tomorrow if she had to.

Raven steps back allowing Lexa to place Clarke down in her sheets. Once she has her tucked safely in the comfort of her bed, she doesn't dare leave her alone. Her eyes never wonder from Clarke's existence as she lies down beside her. Raven sighs at the resolution and makes her way out into the living room where she finds Octavia making Tea in her pajamas. She doesn't let her presence be known right away-leaning against the wall to observe. Octavia is dipping a tea bag monotonously—no, more like meticulously. She lowers and lifts the tea bag out of the steaming water, watching it drip…drip….drip. The water turns from clear to cloudy-she adds milk- eyes entranced by the colloidal suspension in her Jaha Baja cup. The Hut holds an eerie staleness that is thicker than air. Every movement seems to lag against it. Octavia's eyes stick open; comfortable yet so conflicted not being able to pull away, even after there is nothing more to look at. Her vision blurs as her metaphysical being searches for amenity.

Raven notices the absence in her stance and nudges off of the wall to stand right behind her. "You're wonderful," she says as she wraps her arms around the girl.

She feels Octavia sigh deeply and relax in her arms. Raven's heart swells with the thought that she can calm her with her embrace. She squeezes tighter and hopes to never lose that. "I love you O," she whispers and this time she says it with a deeper meaning. Her confidence comes from the pretense that it's said as a friend to another friend but if only she knew how she really meant it.

However, Octavia felt it. She heard the inflection Raven used and it wasn't like all the other times she has said it. She hoped for it and held on to the idea that it was intended as more. Octavia breaks her empty gaze and turns to fill it with Raven. Her arms reach out so both of her hands can lightly tuck that espresso hair behind her ears. Her eyes wonder from deep umbers down to pale pink and with one sharp inhale she takes Raven's lips into her own. They hold each other close as their lips move in precise delivery-one over the other… until their tongues can't wait any longer and leap forward in desperation.

The thirst, in which Octavia expresses, alarms Raven. _Did she know how I meant it?_ Raven closes her eyes tight and hopes so as she pushes Octavia back into the counter just as thirsty. They needed to feel something other than worry and sadness. Octavia knew she felt the most love and positive feelings than she ever felt when she was with Raven, doing this. After a long day, their reservations subside-at least for now. Suddenly they both felt grateful to have these feelings without a past to sully the present. Why wait any longer to express everything they can in the limited time they have when a single minute can change it all.

-

Clarke is sleeping peacefully while Lexa lay beside her not but a few inches away. Their hands lay in between them, clasping each other softly. The act itself felt right, the brilliant warmth that Lexa held in her palm was ethereal. Knowing how Clarke felt about her brought a heightened perception of what it meant to feel free. Lexa replays the moment over and over, finally absorbing the words Clarke confessed. She didn't care that by morning she might not remember. The moment was too big to let doubt shadow it's importance. Her heart has slowed but it beats with a new strength. A smile so wide it meets her high cheekbones lay permanent on her face. She focuses on those words while she drifts into the possibility of tomorrow.

Octavia and Raven bring some tea and water to Clarke's bedroom for them but when they crack open the door, the hallway light slivers over their still figures. They are both sleeping soundly. Octavia creeps in to set liquid on the nightstand for them when they wake. She see's their hands entwined between them and smiles at the sweet image. Raven sees her grinning as she makes her way out of the room and closes the door.

"What?"

Octavia shakes her head, grabs Raven's hand, leads her into her own room and shuts the door behind them.

"What a day…" Raven exclaims as she walks forward.

Octavia is still smiling and lets Raven walk until their arms pull taught—tied together by their hands. Raven looks back at her with a lifted brow. O stands still by the door and pulls Raven into her proximity wrapping her arms around her neck. They look into each other's eyes as the space between them slowly closes.

"It isn't over yet…" Octavia whispers into her mouth before grabbing her bottom lip between her own. 

_Alina Baraz & Galimatias- Show me_

She gauges Raven's reaction—satisfied-she relaxes into it. She feels the mechanic's muscular arms enclose around her. A soft moan escapes from the sudden bind she finds herself in. Raven lets out a soft whine in reaction and pulls their entwined bodies back toward the bed. They enjoy each other in a new way; a sweet and endearing way…the kiss climbs with intensity as Raven's knees hit the edge of the bed. She pauses to pull away to look into the wild girl's eyes. Sighing into her deep greens, Raven bites her lip. This is something she wants to understand. She wants to take her apart and learn how she works inside. Like all of her other endeavors she lets the subject speak to her, to let her know what to do next.

Raven switches their position before slowly leaning back into the bed. She uses one hand to brace their bodies above while her other arm holds Octavia flush against her. With a knee she slides them further up the bed, her lips sealing them together. Their legs are woven as their mouths make their own conversation. Raven is gentle and deliberate as her body eases fully on top of her. She kisses Octavia tenderly, lovingly, and sometimes so lightly that their lips stick together by one gripping molecule. Her elbow rests on the side of Octavia's head so she can continue their 'conversation' in confidence. O sighs into her mouth as she turns her head to take control. She intensifies the kiss while her hands search the new territory, lifting and pulling at the fabric that limits her intent. She grips the edges of Raven's shirt and timidly pulls. Raven lifts her lips, tearing them from their kiss, and looks into her eyes. She sees desire and need inside them. Raven wants nothing more than to give her what she wants. Sitting up she leaves Octavia breathless and heaving while she watches. Raven sits back on her leg that's in between her own and begins to finish what she started. She lifts her shirt up over her head and throws it to the side. Octavia's hands do not hesitate to reach up to greet the exposed skin- tracing her fingers over every dip and curve her eyes can't find. Raven cants her hips against the leg underneath her and closes her eyes at the soft touches she receives. She focuses on how it feels to be touched in this way by her best friend. After a beat, she opens her eyes to see the girl below biting her lip hard like she can't hold back for much longer. Octavia's eyes are fixated on the area she wants to touch the most. Raven notices and unhooks her bra wanting to give it to her. The straps still hug her shoulders as the band falls at her sides. Octavia's eyes widen as she reaches up to grab Raven's hand out of the way and continues the task with both of her hands. She carefully pulls the straps down her shoulders using the pads of her fingertips-her eyes hungrily focused. The bra falls down her toned arms and Octavia can't help but whimper at the figure before her. Her eyebrows rise in pain as the beauty she sees hits her. Her breasts perfectly sit above her toned stomach, perked erect from her arousal. She observes Raven clench her abdominal muscles while her hands skate upon her skin. She hesitates before sliding her palms over Raven's chest to watch the hitches in her breath. Raven's breasts fit in her small hands so effortlessly. Octavia's mouth gapes open as she kneads her tender breasts in her hands, squeezing and caressing moans from the brunette's throat. Her own breath grows heavy as she feels Raven grind into her leg with each touch. They move together for a while, every grip and pull Octavia delivers, Raven grinds against her. Octavia is fully contented watching her grind topless. When her hands get their fill, Octavia lifts off the bed wrapping one arm around her small waist and takes a breast into her mouth. She inhales it in wanting, kissing and nipping around the mounded flesh. The smell and the taste send vibrations into her core. It is so familiar yet so foreign she wants to discover more. She elicits a hissing moan from the girl as she tucks her nipple between her teeth while her tongue glides and flicks at the surface. Her heated center clenches at air as she continues her tease. She feels the surge between her legs push out and knows for sure she is soaking wet. Octavia has never gotten so wet by just touching someone before. It would take an hour of foreplay before she was this ready. Octavia shifts her weight and lifts her leg into Raven's heated sex, flipping them over in one move. Raven's eyes shoot open to the sound of her own guttural moan bouncing off the walls. This must have triggered something in Octavia because she finds a new pace. Her hand already unbuttoned Raven's jeans and has them half way down her legs all before Raven could focus her eyes.

"Ohhhmm…" She leans up on her forearms watching Octavia finish undressing her. She doesn't rush it but she also doesn't waste time to get Raven naked beneath her. She stands to take in the view of Raven lying on her bed, naked as the day she was born. Octavia scans her body with her eyes, starting at her thighs and slowly moves her gaze up. She lingers at Raven's smooth shaved pelvic area and then moves up her toned abdominals and up to her gorgeous breasts- light pinkish-brown nipples that fit neatly in the middle of her boobs. Raven watches her take her body in with her eyes. She has never been looked at in this way, like it fed someone's soul. She never meant more to someone other than a good lay. At this notion, Raven tears up and swallows at the thought this could mean more.

Their eyes meet and they smile at each other at the same time. Octavia bends to her knees and takes a deep breath. She wants to make Raven feel everything she deserves. She wants her to feel loved. Placing both of her palms on each of her knees she pushes them slightly further apart. Her eyes flicker up to find deep umber looking back. She notices Raven's mouth fall open and so she continues to influence it to open even more. Her hands trail up her thighs following the path her eyes guide up her body. Octavia slides her palms up her stomach and then to her breasts as her head lingers back near her trembling thighs. "Shhh…" she comforts Raven and makes sure to breathe against her skin while placing little assuring kisses on her thighs. Raven spreads her legs further in welcome. O grins against her flesh, causing goose bumps to rise in rebellion. Her lips skim across the smooth skin over her pubic bone making Raven's jaw drop as she watches this girl hover over her most sensitive area. _Ohgod…_

Octavia looks up to find Raven's hooded eyes watching her every move. She grins up at her as she presses her lips down gradually against her clit. As soon as she does, Raven's eyes disappear and she falls back into the bed with a gasp, _"Octavia_ …"

The sound of her name said like that made her swallow back her own moan. She wants to savor this moment so she doesn't give in to her plea just yet.

"Yes _Raven_?" she coos from below pushing her lips harder against her clit dragging her mouth across it to the inside of her other thigh. "You are so beautiful, I want to kiss all of you…" She says against her skin kissing deep in her thigh she focuses on the crevice of her leg where it meets her radiating core. All she hears in return are deep panting breaths as she teases Raven with more kisses, purposefully avoiding where she wants her the most. But Raven is patient, just feeling the softness in which Octavia treats her skin. Taking in the moment, completely content to have her this way.

But O isn't content with just this. She slides her hands up both thighs again but this time she makes sure her thumbs rub up her damp folds before spreading across her stomach. "I want you in my mouth…" she confesses and before Raven could react to those words she laps her tongue from the center of her sex up firmly against her throbbing clit. "OH _fuckkk_ …" Raven careens her head back into the pillows, her head splits open at the feeling of Octavia's tongue between her-her arms fling out to grip at anything and everything. She settles on the sheets and grips tight in pleasure. Octavia twists her long soaking it all in. Raven spreads her legs as wide as she can to give the girl below all the room she needs to continue. _Please yeah…_

Octavia smiles against her slit satisfied with the way Raven is reacting and continues with gentle aggression. She slides one hand down from her stomach to help open her up as she pushes the underside of her tongue down the divide, flops it inside of her entrance and pushes it as deep inside of her as she can, folding her lips around the pink circle. She tastes earthy yet sweet, tanging her tongue in a blanket of warmth—she moans at the new flavor. Raven grunts at the feeling of the stiff muscle inside of her and instinctively ruts her in deeper. Octavia welcomes the wetness against her face and grips at her hips to pull her against her open mouth. " _Yeah_ …Octavia…" Raven cries out as she succeeds in depth.

Octavia lingers inside of her, pushing and pulling her tongue deep against her inner walls. She knows this feels good because Raven did the same thing to her in the den. She loved it so much it drove her to a second orgasm seconds after the first. As the memory of Raven inside her takes hold, Octavia pulls out of her, strips her pajamas off and crawls up Raven's chiseled body to kiss her in reverie. "You taste so good…" she says before letting Raven taste herself against her lips. Octavia straddles one of her legs and drags her dripping center along the top of it. Raven moans into her mouth when she feels how wet she is and grabs her ass pushing her further into her leg as she lifts herself to meet her thrusts. Octavia starts to grind up and down on her thigh as their kiss becomes passionately heated. She grunts at every pull of her clit against the slick trail she leaves behind. Raven's hip bucks in sync with the speed at which Octavia humps her- she bites her lip tightening her hands against O's hips and pushes and pulls her against the pressure of her leg- back and forth…back and forth…Octavia tears away from her lips and moans loud at every slide she commits. She then lets Raven take control of her rhythm with her guiding grip upon her hips. Raven feels herself clinch at the sight of her getting off by just canting against her thigh. She wants to feel more of her so she shifts to try something new. Raven lifts Octavia off of her leg -a gleam of wetness sticks between them. She whines in her throat at the sight of that and has to refocus. She pulls her leg out from between her and lifts it over Octavia's thigh. She scoots Octavia's leg to push under her further, guiding their cores closer together. Raven grabs Octavia's other thigh to straddle over her other leg while she lifts her pelvis up. One of Raven's thighs is now pressed against Octavia's abdomen while her other leg sticks out between her legs. Octavia gasps at the feeling of their wet centers pushing closer together. "ohmy _godddd_ …"

Raven flickers a grin before focusing on encouraging her to keep going. She lifts her hips and bucks her pussy into the wide spread girl sitting on top of her. Octavia immediately grips the leg that is against her stomach and pushes herself deeper into the slick center that waits below. Her insides scramble to find order in the chaos that ensues; her body ripples with tingling heat, her clit bulges into the new feeling. Octavia closes her eyes and throws her head back in pure ecstasy. "Oh _Raven_ … _yeahhh_ …" She grinds against Raven's wet center. Their clits bump and pull against each other as their folds welcome the suction—almost like they were meant to fit this way. Raven lifts her back off the bed to greet her and with Octavia grinding faster against her clit she moans into her ear before kissing her neck. They aren't fucking each other in this moment; they are making love. Her arm wraps around Octavia's back with her hand gripping at her side-her fingers splay over her breast. She pulls her closer with her arm, rolling her nipple between her fingers. Raven's other arm is extended behind her, holding herself up against the wild girl. She lifts herself into each thrust Octavia delivers sending them both moaning loudly. Raven tucks her face into Octavia's neck and continues to pant. She has never done this with anyone and revels in the sounds their bodies are making. They slide and stick as their pulsing entrances clench at each other for more. Octavia uses her hips to rock back and forth over Raven's clit—riding her hard. Raven can't help but let her head fall back as her toes begin to curl. " _god_ O… I'm going to—Octavia reaches out and pulls Raven close with her hand around the back of her neck. She stops thrusting and whispers "Come with me…" against her lips as she looks into her eyes. She starts rutting slowly and continues, "…I'm close too"

Raven's eyes zero into the green and focuses on the rhythm they both need to finish together. They find it as she moans with each thrust. Her bottom lip quivers as her eyes water in jubilance. They start slow and increase their speed –their faces so close their lashes flutter together. Octavia pulls her in for a kiss and in that moment she feels the tug at her core. Her thighs clench against Raven as her hand does the same, pulling Raven into a harder kiss. Raven feels it too as her abs flex and her head fills with white static. They grunt against each other's lips as they let go together. Their hips pumping into each other with hunger-their arms gripping each other closer. A rush of hot cum merges between the two of them, causing them to slide easier against the climax. "Oh fuck Raven… I…I…" Octavia winces as her orgasm pulses out of her, her fingers dig into the side of Raven's neck, while her other hand claws at her leg. She leaves fresh crimson trails behind as she tries to hold on to this moment. Raven hums knowing what she wants to say, and saying it herself with her residual thrusts—riding her long orgasm against Octavia's soaking core. She feels closer to her than she has to anyone in her life in this moment. Octavia begins to shake as she finishes; her thrusts become elongated and lethargic-her energy evaporates with the elevation. Raven guides her collapse against her with her arm wrapped around her stomach. Octavia slips off of her and falls backward on top of Raven. Her back presses against Raven's chest as they breathe heavily against one another. Raven's hand finds its way to Octavia's breast and she grips at it, kissing her neck as she comes down. Octavia's body lay limp on top of her, warn out from all the work she put in. Raven is so overwhelmed and happy she wraps both arms around her and holds tight. "I'm _so_ in love with you…" she lets the words fall out while still in the moment. She feels everything all at once and can't hold herself back before realizing what she said. Even then she doesn't regret them, she just lets it all go just as the last pulses pinch at her core. Octavia hold her breath as she takes in what she just heard. Her eyes begin to water and she starts to cry. She shifts so that she falls to Raven's side holding Raven's arms to keep their grip. Raven stiffens at the rebound she receives from her words and shifts to spoon Octavia from behind lifting her head above to see her face. She finds a smile accompanying her tears and promptly relaxes. She reaches down for the blanket that lies at the end of the bed and pulls it over their bodies, nuzzling in against Octavia for comfort. Raven doesn't need to hear it in return because she thinks she already knows the answer. She holds Octavia close against her body while their hearts beat for each other. Her tears subside as the warmth of Raven's body assures her. Sleep soon triumphs over the savor of the moment and the Houston Hut is silent once again.


	20. Chapter 20

**-CH. 20 Split In Two  
**  
 _Imogen Heap- Hide And Seek_

 **11:16am**

She grunts into the phone and gets up off the couch in frustration, "I know it will be difficult but I can't help but feel if it isn't soon we won't be able to work this out. I just feel trapped and I don't like it…"

Anya pauses as she listens, pacing back and forth in her living room—hand on her hip.

"Okay, I get it but I am going to tell Lexa sooner than later and I doubt she will feel comfortable keeping this secret from Clarke."

"No, she wouldn't tell her but I don't like keeping secrets from her Abigail! I will not let this feed the space that has already grown between Lexa and I—"

"Well, I—"

Anya moves to the kitchen to pour herself a shot of whiskey she took down from her collection a bit early in the day. She listens as she shoots back the third shot in the past ten minutes.

There is silence on both ends of the phone conversation, a question for Anya has obviously been asked but she doesn't know what she wants to say yet.

A few moments go by and she finally responds, "I'm fine Abigail. I think we both need some time to think…"

"No, just have your lunch and I will talk to you later."

"Yeah…" Anya takes another shot of whiskey. "… You too."

She says a half-hearted goodbye and throws the phone on to the counter. Anya grips the shot glass and shuts her eyes with full force questioning herself and her decisions to let it get this far, to let her feel this much. Without thinking she whips her arm passed her body and throws the shot glass against the kitchen wall shattering it into oblivion.

She has never been the type of person to grow attached to people. This was still new to her and it took so long to get to this point that she was starting to question if it was worth it- to feel this vulnerable- to let someone else have this much control over her again. The Woods sisters have always stuck together and held a duty higher than their hearts to survival. Now that they have found stability, that mentality has been somewhat domesticated. It is about more than just surviving and this notion scares them both because people have always been the problem, too many people meant more pain. People can hurt you; they are the outliers that threaten anything you build for yourself.

Anya holds herself up by her elbows—face resting inside her hands. Her house is clean, just as Lexa's, decorated based on necessity. Almost like she's ready to leave at a moments notice. They lived together through their undergrad but decided it was time to live apart. 'Never get too comfortable' 'Always be ready' was the mantras she would always tell Lexa. When they received the initial money from their parent's deaths four years ago, the sisters were angry. They didn't want their money, they never needed them before and even in death it was unwelcomed. However, college was something they both decided would help them lead better lives than what they were doing, so they used most of the money on their degrees. Graduate school was just a bonus; Anya only attended because of Lexa. If she hadn't received the full ride, who knows where they would have ended up?

 _They lived in California for most of their childhood but needed a change after Anya's last boyfriend. He didn't take too kindly to her use em' and lose em' routine she got so used to. She let herself get too close to this one. It was the longest Anya had allowed herself to be with anyone and it started to get strange. He was possessive and controlling, however it was a stable place for Lexa— Anya knew she needed that. The streets were making them into something she didn't want them to be. Lexa was getting in with the wrong people—dangerous people. For two days she didn't know where Lexa was, only to find her pull up one night on a motorcycle she said she had been working on— a girl sat too snug behind her. She couldn't keep Lexa from staying that night because she was only there to pick up a few things before heading out on a run. Anya knew what those runs consisted of and would not tolerate this becoming routine. So she waited for Lexa to return. Anya had a black eye when she arrived days later. Lexa returned with a wad of cash, bruises everywhere, and bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. They took care of each other and always provided for one another. But they both decided that something had to change and that night they left. But he found them wherever they were, no matter who they hid with or what street they bunkered down in—He always found them._

 _One day he cornered Anya in an alley while Lexa was out getting food. She looked so frail pinned underneath him, Lexa immediately dropped the food and ran over to the assault. As she ran, she searched for any pipes or weapons she could use but there was nothing. So she used all of her weight to kick his face off of her. Lexa wanted to make sure she was all right but he quickly recovered and came at her with all of his anger—all 220 pounds of it. She was fast but not as strong as he was, managing to duck out of a lot of his punches. Her left jab hit him square in the face, despite the blood coming from his nose he didn't falter. If she got close enough for him to grab her it was over, Lexa was really small compared to this guy. She danced around him for a bit, landing a few more jabs but he kept coming. Lexa was getting backed into a wall and she couldn't keep him from charging for her. Her eyes go wide as she searched for any sign of a weapon around her._

 _Nothing._

 _He lunged forward and knocked her into the wall so hard she heard nothing but ringing in her ears. The wind was knocked clean out of her and his pressure wasn't allowing any more to re-enter her lungs. He threw two punches into her gut causing her to crumble. She was sure she heard cracking inside of her as she fell to the ground holding her stomach. Next thing she knew his face was falling right beside hers, she heard a loud noise and then Anya beside her. Anya was red in the face completely destroyed at what had just happened, she swore to herself and Lexa that they would leave this place and never look back. She chose somewhere the complete opposite of California and that is when they chose Denver, Colorado to start a new life._

That was 5 years ago and now she feels like she wants to run all over again.

-

 **11:31am**

The sound of her breathing was calming to Lexa, they hadn't moved all night and she woke up to their hands still clasped together between them. Clarke was deep in sleep as Lexa watched on. She didn't want to move or wake her because this was nice—peaceful. She admires her for a few more minutes before she delicately gets out of bed to hunt down some breakfast.

Lexa walks to the bathroom, washes her face, brushes her teeth with Clarke's toothbrush and uses her deodorant. She smiles at herself for using her things and is sure she wouldn't mind. She makes her way down the hall and smells coffee already being made.

"Morning Raven" She says sitting down on a barstool.

Raven is in the kitchen bopping around with a grin on her face. She seemed electric and vibrant.

"Hey! Want some coffee?"

Lexa doesn't drink coffee often but today she needed something more robust, last night was really exhausting for her as well.

"Sure, thanks" She observes Raven as she nearly dances around the kitchen grabbing a mug from the cabinet and then pouring coffee from the old French press they had to get out from below after losing their beloved Chemex. She pours a strong cup of black coffee and asks,

"Cream or sugar?"

"No thanks, black as night" Lexa replies and grabs the mug from Raven.

"Black as night huh?" Raven smiles to her while leaning on her elbows holding her own coffee with honey.

Lexa breathes a laugh, "yeah, and bitter as day"

"That's funny. 'Black as night and bitter as day'" Raven repeats Lexa's coffee order and smirks into a sip.

"Do you order coffee like that wherever you go?" She teases.

"I do actually, gets the girls to smile." Lexa winks at her.

"Got you to didn't it?"

Raven laughs and scrunches her nose toward Lexa. "So how is the demon?" she asks getting up from the counter and returning to her kitchen duties.

Lexa frowns at the nickname but remembers her projectile vomiting and smirks to herself.

"Um, she is still sleeping but I wanted to grab her some breakfast. I am sure she will wake up soon with a really bad hangover or something worse. I have never seen someone so exhausted before."

Raven is moving around the kitchen cleaning up last nights messes as she speaks, "I have seen Clarke have a few break downs over the past few years and that was one of the worst ones….and I am sorry I splashed water on you. I mean, you were pissed!" Raven chuckles while looking back over her shoulder.

Lexa takes another sip of coffee and thinks back at that moment. She had so much on her mind and worry she doesn't remember being that mad. Okay, maybe she remembers being annoyed but not 'pissed.'

She notices Lexa doesn't say anything and turns around to add, "I've done it before and it sends the mind into the forefront of consciousness. Like a hypnic jerk delivering impact from a sense of falling. She was mentally and physically exhausted but her lucidity was lost, I just simply startled her back into reality."

"I know… I just want to protect her. Like from this pain she tries to hide from everyone, I just wish she would let me in. I get a little over protective. I'm sorry I got upset with you." She replies with her eyes down.

Raven puts her hand on Lexa's that were gripping her cup a little too tight. "Hey…it's okay Lexa. I get it, I will always do what is best for Clarke and sometimes I am a little crazy. You will just have to get used to that."

Lexa looks up with a small smile and Raven winks at her before retreating back to finish up cleaning the kitchen. She watches the mechanic do her thing and thinks to herself that she is glad to have these people in her life. This is where her home is and doesn't want to leave. Her life has never been this stable—never been this comfortable. At this moment she thinks about Anya and how she is doing. They haven't been talking much lately and it pains her to think about the distance that is growing between them ever since they got their own apartments.

"What are you thinking about for breakfast?" Raven asks pulling Lexa out of her head.

"Uh… I was thinking of bagels, pastries, and a coffee or smoothie for Clarke. Want to drive?" She asks Raven because she misses her Camaro and also wanted to return in a fast manor to spend as much time as she could with the blonde. Her mind wonders to her kneeling vows Clarke confessed to her. It was so beautiful and exactly what she needed to hear.

"Yeah yeah, I will drive but you are buying!"

"Deal, but first let me check on Clarke and leave her a note or something." Lexa puts down her half drunk coffee and leaps down the hall to the sleeping beauty.

Raven rolls her eyes, chuckles, and decides to do the same. She walks into the room to find Octavia awake and getting ready by her mirror. A picture of the Clarke and Octavia is taped over the broken circle her fist left a few days ago.

"Hey you… How are you feeling?"

Raven leans down and kisses her on the cheek while rubbing her back as she watches O put her eyeliner on.

Octavia smiles while she finishes the last touches of her left eye. "I am feeling sore but great" she glances through the mirror at Raven and smiles bigger.

"How about you?"

Raven stands behind her as she sits in her vanity chair staring up at her through the mirror. The sight is sweet and endearing, as they look into each other's faces, completely content with their current mood. 

_Chet Faker- No Diggity_

"Never better" She rests her chin on top of her head and massages her shoulders. "Lex and I are going to grab some breakfast, would you like to come?"

"Is Clarke still sleeping?"

"Yeah, Lexa is checking on her now but she wanted to get her a good breakfast for when she wakes up. I am sure it wont be pretty."

Octavia winces at the thought and turns around in her chair to rest her hands on Raven's waist. Her eyes look up to meet umber; "I think I will stay here with her if that is okay?"  
She wraps her arms around her waist and turns her head to the side to administer a hug. Raven sighs and enjoys the affection.

"Of course, I will bring you back something. What would you like?"

"Pancakes!" Octavia says with enthusiasm lifting her head off of Raven's stomach and beams up at her with a scrunch of the lips in hopes of confirmation. The mechanic chuckles and leans down to kiss those lips gladly. "As you wish."

Octavia laughs and wraps her arms around the neck that is now in reach, kissing her deeper. She nips at the mechanics lower lip and then soothes it with her tongue.

"Oh Wesley, you know how to treat a woman."

She giggles on Raven's mouth and brings her in for another kiss. This time she stands up and moves her hands down to the brim of her pants while she works her tongue inside Raven's mouth. Octavia moans as she shoves one hand down into her pants to feel how wet she could be.

"Oh you are so wet already…" She whines at the feeling.

"Mmmm you are a perfect ten. I get wet just looking at you." Raven whispers against Octavia's lips, slowing the kiss as her fingers pick up pace.

Octavia makes quick little circles and flicks at her clit, occasionally dipping lower to get more arousal to use against her.

"I have…ohhh…I have to goohh…" Raven bites her lip trying to not make noises as Octavia makes quick work of her.

"It'll be quick shh, just concentrate…"

Raven grabs her by her hips, crashing her lips into hers and dances her tongue against the roof of her mouth. Only to pull away to whimper, "yeah…right there."

She feels her stomach tighten, tingles sparkle in her legs and arms. Raven starts to pant against her mouth, her jaw dropping at the persistence of the wild girl's fingers.

"Ahh…" She lets out a high-pitched whine and releases it all. She grabs the back of Octavia's neck and smothers her moan into her mouth. Her body jerks against O's body as she stands on her tiptoes to reduce the sensitivity. Octavia keeps playing with her and she can't stand it anymore so she lowers her hand and grabs her wrist to stop.

"God…you're ready to go this morning," Raven says resting her forehead against hers.

-

Slowly opening the door she finds Clarke sprawled out on her stomach taking up as much as the bed as she can, half the water emptied from the glass on the nightstand. Lexa crawls up on the bed hearing a groan emit from the blonde. She hears Clarke's phone buzzing and ringing on the nightstand so she leans over to it pick it up and looks at it.

-

 **3:29am  
New Messages  
** _Bellamy (5)  
_ **10:00am** _  
Mom (3)  
_ **  
Missed Calls**  
 **12:02pm** _  
Mom (2)_

-

She furrows her brows when she sees Bellamy's name on her phone and wonders what he has to say for himself. Lexa looks at the screen for a few moments and wants nothing more than to delete the messages but doesn't even attempt to get into her phone. She just takes a deep breath and sets it back down on the nightstand.

"How are you feeling?" She asks crawling next to her, rubs her back leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. She hovers over her while she waits for a response.

"Mehh…" Clarke responds with out words. Lexa smiles at her grumpiness and finds her poor state to be adorable. Her cheeks were red and she felt a little hot so Lexa removes the comforter and leaves the sheet over her legs. She runs to the bathroom to get a damp washcloth and returns to lay it across her forehead.

"Mmm, that feels good…" Clarke rolls over accepting the cool towel on her head. She grabs Lexa's wrist and kisses it. "Are you leaving?" Lexa is on all fours hovering over her.

"Raven and I are going to get you some breakfast, any requests?" The blonde frowns with her eyes still closed and shakes her head slowly.

"Okay love, just rest and I will be right back" She leans to peck a kiss on her lips but was interrupted by a hand sliding between their faces. Clarke had peeked her eyes open, stopped her advance, and through her hand says, "Don't I am so gross"

Lexa chuckles, " I don't care Clarke, let me kiss you" She smashes her lips into Clarke's hand and tries to move it with her nose like a little puppy.

"Lemme keees you…" she continues snuffling moving from her hand to her cheek then to her neck. This makes Clarke squirm and she moves her hand to push Lexa off. As soon as she sees her hand move from her lips Lexa steals a kiss and sits up in victory.

"Gotchya" She sits on her heels and smiles at Clarke's embarrassed face. "It's noon so I will be back in thirty minutes or so. Oh, and your mom is trying to reach you…" Lexa gets off the bed and makes her way to the door when she hears a gasp behind her.

She turns and finds Clarke turned over grabbing her phone. "I forgot I have brunch plans with my mom…" Her face is scrunched up eyes barely open as she unlocks it and finds all her messages.

Lexa has her hand on the door, "When?"

"Ugh… like right now" Clarke is looking at her phone, narrowing her eyes, and then falls back into bed.

"Are you going to go?"

She rolls over on the bed groaning with her phone still in her hand. "I don't know, I might reschedule"

At this point Raven and Octavia had made their way out of her room and poke their heads through the door. They see that Clarke is awake and barge passed Lexa to jump on the bed.

"Clarke! You are alive!" Octavia says as they both bounce on their butts around the blonde. The bed is bouncing all around Clarke as she swats at them groaning into her pillows. They slow their rolls to comfort Clarke and they both lean in to give her a double hug.

"Get off me guys! It's too hot…" She moans trying to push them off of her.

"But we love you…" Raven whines, as she lies limp on top of her.

"uughhhh…I think I'm going to be sick…" Clarke gripes. At that, Raven and Octavia shot up from the bed remembering the vivid encounter of her sickness last night. They scoot off the bed retreating.

"Okay! Okay! We are going, but we will be back. You can't get rid of us that easily Griffin." They passed Lexa who is standing by the door who is grinning from the friendly encounter.

"Lexa?" Clarke whines.

She quickly steps away from the door and sits down on the bed placing a hand on Clarke's hip.

"Yeah?"

"Hurry back okay?"

Lexa smiles and kisses the sliver of skin that is peeking from under her shirt.

"Always, I'll be right back."

She gets up off the bed and looks back once before exiting her room. Clarke has turned over and has the sheets barely over her legs. Lexa sighs at the blonde that wants her to return to her as quick as possible. This fills her up with warmth as she shuts the door behind her.

Raven and Octavia are giggling in the living room looking at the big blue stain on the carpet next to the couch.

"How are we ever going to get this out?"

"We can just buy a rug from Ikea?"

They look down at it and shake their heads as Lexa walks up behind them and wraps her arms over their shoulders.

"Damn… that is a lot of blue…"

They all laugh out loud with their arms wrapped around each other. It's typical Clarke to bring the group together even through her blue puke. She was the glue that held them all together and took care of each of them when they needed it. Even though she didn't feel that integral to the whole gang, she was indeed the lynch pin. Lexa was in a hurry to get back to Clarke so she ushered Raven out of the door so they can get breakfast. They said bye to Octavia as they made their way down the porch steps only to run into Abby.

"Hey girls"

Lexa stopped in her tracks at the sight of Clarke's mother. She hadn't been on the best of terms with her since that Valentines Day. In fact she hasn't really seen or spoken with her since. Raven on the other hand didn't flinch a bit and walked right up to her to swing an arm around the woman.

"Hey Doc, how many lives did you save today?"

"I haven't yet today Raven, I work tonight but I will let you know." She replies curtly and then turns her eyes on to Lexa who looks a bit pale.

"Lexa" She greets her with a small smile and continues, "Have you ladies seen my daughter? We are suppose to have lunch and I haven't been able to get a hold of her."  
Abby knew Lexa and Clarke were getting close again, Anya had mentioned it. She wasn't as upset about it as before because she knows more of Lexa's past but she still wasn't too keen things are going in a direction that Abby wasn't sure was right for Clarke. She wasn't going to bring it up or ask about it until Clarke was ready to tell her. But Abby knew Lexa was the reason Clarke disappeared so often those years ago and then the after math of Valentines Day. It was the weakest she has ever seen her daughter. Not only was it during the toughest moments of both of their lives, her heart was completely broken, in all ways you could imagine. Abby always admired Clarke's resilience and ability to bounce back. She got through it. But if some how she can prevent her daughter from going through that heartbreak again, she will do it.

Raven looks at the awkwardness that is Lexa and guides Abby passed her toward the house. "She wasn't feeling well, she got sick last night and we are taking care of the little Griffin. On our way to get some breakfast but you should go and check on her."

Lexa is thankful for Raven at this moment and gets her phone out of her pocket to text Clarke a warning.

 **12:24pm-Clarke  
** _  
Lexa: Your mom is walking in to your house now. We passed her on our way out._

Raven leads her into the house and then comes running out toward Lexa.

"Well that should be interesting. I am not sticking around for the 20 questions on why she got so sick or why there is a big blue spot on the floor. Haha Leggo!"

Lexa nods enthusiastically and waits for Raven to unlock her side of the car. They hop in and speed down the road with music blaring.

-

"Oh hi Abby!" Octavia greets as she walks into the house, covering up the blue spot with a towel she had near by. "Clarke is in her room being all grumpy." She points toward the room and walks toward her to follow.

The house smelled a little funny when Abby walks in and Octavia is acting a bit strange but she doesn't say a word, she is determined. More worried about Clarke, she makes her way to her room. The door is shut so she slowly opens it to find her sitting up on her bed against the headboard on her cellphone.

 **12:25pm- Lexa**

 _Clarke: Thank you. Please hurry back._

"Clarke, are you okay? What is the matter?" Abby darted over to her bedside, pressing the back of her hand on her forehead.

"I'm fine mom" Clarke could have told her mother that she drank too much last night, that Bellamy and Lexa got into a fight, that she got a letter from Finn's mom, or that she confessed herself to Lexa but she didn't. She wouldn't know where to start and if she had said any of those things her mother wouldn't have left. Clarke wanted to spend today with Lexa, not her mother.

"I'm sorry I can't have brunch with you today. I think I need to rest."

Abby looks at her in concern and nods her head. "It's okay sweetie, we can reschedule. I'm just glad you are okay. I was worried when you didn't reply to my messages or calls. What are your symptoms?" The look on her face was of worry and reservation.

"Just nausea and a headache. I will be fine, trust me. I just need rest and food. Raven and Lexa will be back soon."

Clarke had a feeling there was something wrong with her mom but her splitting headache averted her thoughts to ask. Instead she requests, "Mom can you get me something for my headache?"

"Sure honey, I have something in my purse that is better than any over the counter medication." Abby dug into her a purse and pulls out some hydrocodone.

"Here, take one of these and you should feel better." She hands the pill to Clarke along with the glass of water that was on the nightstand. Watching on in concern, she put the bottle back in her purse.

"I really want to have lunch with you soon Clarke. We have a lot of catching up to do." Mostly she just wanted to probe her on how she would feel about her seeing someone and then inch towards the idea of it being a woman. After that, she can possibly tell her about Anya but it was a lot to dish at once. It was crazy and she knew that no matter how she put it and no matter how good of mood Clarke was in, it would be difficult to swallow. And in this moment Abby started to question her relationship with Anya. She hadn't questioned it in over six months but it wasn't easy to accept herself. She didn't feel comfortable dating someone so young but if a young beautiful girl was falling in love with you and wouldn't take no for an answer, would you say no? I doubt anyone would but Abby felt constricted. She felt trapped either way and she knew Anya didn't want to keep half her life a secret. She was such a strong person, Abby knew that she wouldn't hesitate to end it or even run from it if it came to it. She didn't want that. As she sat next to Clarke, all her worry was rushing to the surface. Skating over her like a thousand bobsled teams.

"Thank you mom, sorry again. I will text you when we can have lunch." Clarke turns over on her side starting to feel really sick, her back facing her mother and tries to calm herself.

"You're welcome sweetheart, I am always here if you need me. Call me anytime you need anything all right? I love you." Abby sits up, kisses Clarke on the head and walks out of the room.

Octavia is on her hands and knees with carpet cleaner frantically scrubbing the blue spot on the floor when she notices Abby re-emerge from Clarke's room.

"Heh, a little accident happened last night at game night. Nothing to worry about!" She says nervously continuing to scrub the floor into a sudsy puddle.

"Hey Octavia…" Abby walks a little further into the living room.

Octavia stops scrubbing, looks up at Abby to find her face scrunched up with concern.

"Yeah Abby? Clarke all right?" O gets up off the floor, walks over to Abby and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah she is just hung over I am sure. But I am just worried about Clarke, Finn's day is coming up and I just want to make sure she has someone by her side. We haven't been on the best of terms and I know December was hard for her. I thought it would be getting better but it hasn't."

Octavia bites the inside of her cheek not wanting to tell her how bad it got last night. She chokes out a reply, "Oh… yeah, we are here for her and I will make sure she is okay. Raven, Lexa, and I won't leave her side. You can count on us."

Abby grimaces as she reaches out an arm to pull her into a hug, "Thank you Octavia. Please let me know if I can do anything for you and the girls. I mean it." She takes a deep sigh while embracing Octavia. She lets go, taking one last look at Octavia and digs in her purse. She extends a wad of cash, "Here take this and buy some groceries and things. Make sure Clarke eats and gets better." At this she delivers a stern look to the girl.

"Take care of my daughter. I will be seeing you." Abby takes her leave and walks out of the door.

Octavia sighs in relief, wanting to spill her guts to her about Clarke. She was worried about Clarke and thought maybe for a moment Abby would know what to do. But she knew it wouldn't help to intervene, so she throws the money on the coffee table and focuses on the resilient blue puddle.

"You are going to disappear you blue bitch!" Octavia scolds the puddle and drops to her hands and knees to scrub it to death. "Surrender!"

-

 **1:21pm**

Lexa and Raven arrive at the Houston Hut with bags of goodies and strong expensive coffees in tow. They bust through the door to find Octavia on her hands and knees sweating over a now light purple stain on the floor.

"Hey! You managed to make Smurf town into Barney-Ville!" Raven laughs toward Octavia who was obviously frustrated. She glares at Raven and throws a scrub brush toward her head.

Raven ducks out of the way just in time, sending the brush into the kitchen. "Hey! Watch it, I need this head of mine. And so do you if you wish for me to go do—"

Octavia throws another at her and successfully nails her in the stomach. "What were you going to say? I couldn't hear you over the assholery!"

Lexa laughs as she grabs her and Clarke's sustenance and heads to the room. "Thanks for the ride Raven, I will see you guys later!" She calls out walking away without waiting for a response. She couldn't wait to get back to the blonde.

She shuffles the items in her arms, managing to grab on to the knob and opens the door.

Clarke is breathing heavy, almost snoring as Lexa makes her way into the room. She sets the food and drink on the nightstand. Eagerly she takes her shoes off, climbs into bed next to Clarke and cuddles her close. Their faces are inches apart, as Lexa takes Clarke's hand into hers and kisses it to wake her. This doesn't muster the blonde so Lexa tries more kisses. First she kisses all over her hands, then her arms, up to her neck, to her face and then lastly on her lips. Clarke starts to shift, groaning half asleep but waking up.

"Hey gorgeous, I got you some food." Lexa whispers into her ear, now half leaning on Clarke's body since she rolled over on to her back. She sees a smile flicker on to the blonde's face and continues to litter her with kisses.

"I got my breakfast right here…" Lexa laughs at her own joke and continues to kiss and nibble all over Clarke's chest and neck.

"Lexa… I'm so gross…" Clarke groans trying to push Lexa's head off of her but she wouldn't budge. She opens her eyes and laughs at the tickling Lexa's tongue was doing to her neck.

"Lexa! Let me shower first please…" Lexa falls flat on top Clarke in disappointment.

"Why… I have been waiting patiently all morning." She whines.

Clarke gives her a breathy laugh and kisses her on the cheek before sliding out from under her to jump in the shower. Feeling better she gets excited.

"I will be quick, I promise." She gets off the bed and notices coffee on the nightstand.

"Ohmygod, Coffee. I love you- thank you!" Clarke grabs the coffee and her cell phone and runs into the bathroom with out realizing what she had just said. She freezes after she passes the threshold where Lexa couldn't see her. _Shit… Did I just say that… I just told her I loved her for coffee. Maybe she didn't hear it. How lame am I…_

Clarke clearly doesn't remember Lexa telling her she loved her last night and just literally let her words spill out of her mouth this morning. She didn't want to scare Lexa after all her words last night. She remembers saying those very vividly. Clarke had almost said she loved her but the earth started to spin preventing those words from surfacing.

Until now.

She takes four huge gulps of her coffee and turns the shower on to avoid the potential awkwardness it might have caused.

Lexa lies there with her belly in her throat. _Did she just say she loved me…? Did she even realize that she said that…I don't know… Does she remember me saying it last night?_

 _Wow…_

She floats back on to the bed in a daze. Her smile lay permanent on her face as she tries to hear the echo of Clarke's voice in her brain. 'I love you' it sounded good wrapped in her low raspy voice. She sighs lying on her back as she waits for the blonde to get done with her shower. This was their time to talk everything out and Lexa couldn't wait to ask her about what she just heard. There was nothing that was going to stop her from telling her that she loved her too. She wasn't afraid to say those words after everything they have been through. She was ready. As she stares into the ceiling Lexa feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. It was Anya texting her and so she replies.

 **1:20pm**

 _Anya: What are you doing?_

 _Lexa: I am at Clarkes, Why?_

 _Anya: I need to talk to you. Can you meet me?_

She wasn't sure what she would need to talk about. They don't do heart to hearts or any kind of word exchanges unless it was something important. This makes Lexa a little nervous.

 **1:22pm  
**  
 _Lexa: Is everything okay?_

 _Anya: Can you come over or not?_

Well this was usually how Anya was, not one to be sentimental. Annoyed now, she replies.

 _Lexa: Maybe, I will let you know. Clarke and I have to talk._

 _Anya: Isn't she supposed to be having lunch with Abby?_

-  
Anya is lying on her couch and kicking herself in the ass for sending that text not realizing that she isn't supposed to really know Abby or what Clarke had planned that day. She was getting frustrated because Abby was supposed to come over but had plans with Clarke. And now Lexa wasn't sure if she could come talk because she was with Clarke. Frankly Anya was getting tired of Clarke getting in the way of her life. She immediately tries to cover her tracks and sends another message.

 **1:26pm**

 _Anya: Whatever, don't bother. I'm going out anyways._

Shit. She was already drunk and doing stupid things. Anya thought she might as well finish the day off at Polis; maybe forget herself for a while.

Her phone goes off again.

 **BEEP**

 **1:27pm**

 _Abby: Hey, are you still at home? Clarke is sick and canceled lunch. I don't have to be at work until 4._

Anya has been drinking and doesn't really want to see Abby at this point. She has been questioning their whole relationship and maybe she was right. It would mess everything up and Lexa would be really upset at her. So she acts out and replies.

 **1:28pm  
** _  
Anya: I am not home._

She drops the phone on her chest, covers her face with her hands and screams. Hating everything right now, she just starts making extreme noises to release her frustration.

"Ahhhhhsshhheeeettt…"

"Fuuuuushhhaniatwain!"

"AHHH!"

 **BEEP**

 **BEEP**

Her phone goes off twice.

 **1:31pm**

 _Lexa: Wait, since when do you know Clarke's mom? And how did you know that they had lunch plans?!_

"Shit on a dick!" Anya curses at herself and exits out of that conversation to see the reply Abby left her.

 _Abby: I can meet you somewhere. I would like to talk to you Anya._

"I am a mother fucker. I am! I am just a fucking mother fucker." She is beside herself and truly feels like an idiot.

"Why?! Why am I so fucked up?" She questions herself and tries to pick herself apart. She thinks about why she felt so drawn to Abby in the first place. Thinking back to it she realizes that Abby was a caregiver, she was like a mother to her in a way. A sexy mother but still… she was something that Anya never had, someone to hold her and care for her when she was scared or vulnerable. She never had anyone to comfort her like that. Lexa and Anya weren't the affectionate kind of sisters and how they grew up rarely allowed such vulnerabilities. If you had a weakness all the kids in the home would pick on you and even worse on the streets. It was like they could smell it on you.

But ever since the move to Colorado, they each started getting a little of their humanity back. They pretended to fit in at first, keeping to themselves. Only doing what was necessary. But eventually they started to care for people and enjoy the company. It took years to build friendships but even then they always relied on each other for that. The girls on their rugby team would provide diversity but not until a year ago did Lexa and Anya have friends that stuck. Anya has Miller, Echo, and Brian. Lexa has Clarke, Raven, and Octavia. They were making a home here. And now Anya has Abby, but she starts wondering in what sense does she have her, in what sense does she need her, and in what sense does she want her?

Anya feels that maybe she fell for Abby because she is trying to fill a void that was put there long ago. That she is mixing her feelings with some twisted space that she needs to fill. The comfort she gets from her and the love, maybe it's some Freudian bullshit.

Her mind spins in circles as she tries to figure herself out. She wanted to talk to Lexa but she was with Blondie.

"Fucking Blondie, screwing my sister and now screwing with my relationship. It's always about Clarke!"

She aims her frustrations at Clarke and whines at herself for even blaming her for her own problems. Within her frustration she decides to type a reply to Abby. ****

_'I am a motherfucker and I am a horrible person. Maybe I just needed a mom for a while and you should be relieved you don't have to tell Clarke because it shouldn't even be a thing.'_

She lingers over the send button and laughs at herself for this reply. She was just typing without thinking and this came out. Shaking her head Anya decides to delete the message instead. But in her drunken state and the horrible proximity of the backspace and the send button resulted in her sending the text message instead.

"Are you…"Anya bolts up on the couch trying to clear her eyes to see if she really just sent that. "…Fucking kidding me right now?!"

She looks around the room to the fake audience watching her life right now, nodding her head for them to laugh it up.

"YEAH! This is my life and I am living it. I FUCKING love it!" She flicks every one of those audience members off and slams her head back down on the couch.

-

It has been ten minutes and Clarke has yet to get into the shower. She has her phone in her hand and is reading the messages Bellamy sent her.

 **3:29am**

 _Bellamy: Clarke, I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me and I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean to hurt you or Lexa._

 **3:31am**

 _Bellamy: I have always been in love with you Clarke and I can't control myself when I am around you. I know that isn't an excuse but I just…I can't stand to see you with Lexa. She hurt you bad and I would never do that. I know I shouldn't have kissed you that night. I am sorry, but know that I wouldn't have ever done more than that._

 _Bellamy: I will always protect you and that is what I was trying to do tonight. Lexa was acting like she owned you or something. I don't like how possessive she is of you Clarke. Just be careful because She will hurt you again. I know it._

 **3:35am**

 _Bellamy: I hope you forgive me._

 _Bellamy: Octavia said I probably shouldn't come to the hut anymore. Maybe we can have lunch and talk about it?_

Clarke is sitting on the toilet contemplating replying to his messages. They sound so sincere and she does feel bad for him. She also knows that Lexa would not be happy with this at all and right now Lexa is the most important thing. She reminds herself that Lexa's wants and needs are hers now. She deletes the messages, drops her phone on the ground and hops in the shower.

-

Lexa is sitting on the edge of the bed now, looking at her phone, waiting for Anya to reply. Her mind also flashes to the awfully long time Clarke is taking in the shower but doesn't bother rushing her. She decides to call Anya.

-

The keys are in her hand as she makes her way out of her apartment. Her cell phone rings in her pocket as she makes it down stairs. She reaches for it and sees Lexa's name blinking.

"What?" she answers the phone as she gets into her truck.

"What's going on Anya?" Lexa's voice is full of concern and confusion.

"Nothing Lexa, All is well here. Have a good night." She puts on the fakest cheery voice she could muster and hangs up the phone. She throws the truck in drive and makes her way to Polis.

-

"Did she just hang up on me?" Lexa looks at her phone and scoffs at her sisters blatant blow off. She knew something was up but this was more important now, she will find Anya later but she has been waiting for this for a long time. So she scoots back on the bed and rests her back on her headboard to type out a reply to Anya.

 **1:43pm**

 _Lexa: Hey, lets talk later tonight. I will meet you at Polis._

She knew Anya would be there if she was upset, she plays in the pool league and often knows someone who is there to play with her to practice. Lexa contemplates going to Polis and wonders if the others would want to go with her. She tells herself she will ask once things are settled.

-

Clarke finishes scrubbing last night's grime off of her and enters the bedroom in just a towel.

Lexa pops up from the headboard to lean toward the wet blonde now in the middle of the room. Her eyes are fixated—her heartbeat increases its rhythm. "How…" She clears her throat, "How was your shower?"

Clarke smiles, walking closer to Lexa holding her towel wrapped around her. "It was really really good…" She felt a lot better after the coffee and shower.

"Good, you should eat something too…" Lexa says while keeping a stoic stare at the blonde approaching her.

"Should I?" Clarke's voice is low as is the lids of her eyes.

Lexa scoots to the edge of the bed so she can grab the blonde's hips that she is now swaying in front of her. She reaches out and tugs the blonde to stand between her legs.

"Yes, you need energy." Lexa whispers as she looks up at her lips, licking her own unconsciously.

Clarke smiles while leaning down to press her lips into the brunettes. "What if what I want to eat is right here in front of me…" She drops her towel, grabs Lexa's face, and continues to deepen the kiss.

The brunette gasps, tearing herself away from the kiss to look at the glistening body inches away from her. "Oh fuck… Clarke…" She is in awe, the girl's breasts are in her face, her stomach taught and shiny, she even freshly shaved her pussy leaving a cute strip of dark blonde hair to guide her in the right direction.

"You are stunning… I—" Clarke pushes her on her back while kissing her harshly. She climbs onto the bed and straddles Lexa.

 _Tycho- A Walk_

"What were you saying?" She slides her fingers up Lexa's shirt causing it to rise up over her breasts. "How beautiful I am?" she continues to undress the girl beneath her starting with her shirt, and then her bra. She presses her breasts flush against Lexa and proceeds to kiss at her neck while she reaches behind her to unsnap her bra. Nipping at her neck, she hears Lexa moan loudly as her hands glide up her sides. As soon as the bra was unlatched Clarke pulls it off of her and throws it off the bed.

"Much better." She says as she sits up for a full view.

Lexa is also getting a full view of Clarke's breasts. They are so supple and perfect Lexa can't help but reach up and squeeze them. "I love your boobs Clarke, like god…they are so soft yet firm in all the right places."

"Mmm, I like when you touch them." Clarke confesses.

At that Lexa sits up, to kiss them and give them her full attention. She focuses her lips first on one, while the other grabs and massages the other-her lips part, allowing a perky pink nipple to enter. She sucks and licks at it causing the blonde to bounce on her lap. This makes Lexa groan into her breast as she bites down.

"Ohmm" Clarke is surprised and delighted at the sensation. Her nipples were always super sensitive and sometimes she even thinks she could get off by them alone.

"Lexa… That feels so amazing. Keep doing that." She wants to try to get off.

"I think I can get off by just this…" Lexa stops what she is doing and pulls away.

"Are you serious?" She is really turned on by that notion and immediately returns to her duty. She chooses to start on the other one with her mouth sucking, flicking and biting with the most precision she can. She imagines going down on her but now on her breasts. She pinches the other nipple between her fingers and rolls at it while her tongue circles around her areola and back to flick at the tip of her nipple.

Clarke grinds into Lexa, shifting one of her thighs to fit in between Lexa's legs. She moans at Clarke's new position. The blonde grabs Lexa's shoulders and ruts into her at every wave of shocks that drives from her tits down into her clit. Lexa was really good at this and she feels her self-ripple and clench below.

"Lexa...yes…" She feels her belly tighten as she focuses on the sensation that sends pulses into her core, over and over again. She feels how wet she is as she slowly thrusts in the air, scooting her knee further and harder into Lexa's core.

"Oh god…" Lexa mutters on her nipple, transitioning to the other one to repeat. She kisses the inside of her breast and bites it before heading to the pink nub. Clamping her teeth down to hold the nub erect, she flicks her tongue over it multiple times and then takes it full in her mouth to suck. This sends Clarke over the edge as she grunts out a throaty exhale. She pulls Lexa into her hard as she climaxes. Clarke manages to keep quiet but she ruts into Lexa's stomach as she rides her high against her. Lexa looks up at the face Clarke is making and nearly cums vicariously. The way her body shines, smells and feels on top of her only adds to her raging lady boner in her jeans.

"Fuck Clarke, you are so gorgeous." She watches her neck swallow and her jaw tighten. Lexa reaches down and feels how wet she is.

"OHMYGOD…" Lexa's hand is completely soaked from Clarke's dripping core.

"Baby you are so wet for me…" At that, Lexa's eyes went dark green. She knew Clarke wasn't down from her orgasm and wanted to throw her back up there. So she assertively thrusts two fingers deep into the blonde.

"AHH fuck Lexa!" Clarke's eyes shot open as she lowers her chin to look down at Lexa looking up at her with deep eyes.

"Oh… Le—Fuck me... yeah"

Lexa responds hungrily at her request and thrusts inside of her with force. She wants to hear her scream her name. Clarke begins to bounce up and down on her fingers, just as eager. A whole new wave of warmth envelopes her body and she feels her core rising fast.

Lexa falls back on to her back allowing Clarke to fuck herself against her fingers. She keeps thrusting but Clarke has taken initiative and brings herself up almost completely off and then falls back down knuckle deep on Lexa's hand, again…and again...and fuck, Lexa's mouth is gaping open at the incredible view.

"More…" Clarke whines, grabbing her boobs as she ruts up and down.

Lexa bites her own lip, complies and adjusts to put three fingers inside of her. They slide in easily as she increases her speed again. She grips her other hand hard on Clarke's hip as to keep her steady and on top. Lexa is breathing heavy now, almost grunting at every drop of Clarke's ass against her crotch. Clarke makes sure to slide over her core, making Lexa really wet and adding friction where she wants it most.

The brunette watches the blonde bounce on top of her, moving her hips in all the right ways. Her breasts are jumping at the perfect speed and this view couldn't get any better for her. She bites her lip as she feels her core rise and her stomach clinch.

"Clarke, I think I am about to cum…" She says this with a heavy breath laced with surprise.

"Oh yeah baby?" Clarke says increasing the pressure of her ass against her jeans. She places a hand in between her legs and starts to rub hard.

"Shit!" Lexa curses as her orgasm comes alive. She closes her eyes and moans in her throat. In reaction she curls her fingers inside Clarke with such force that it knocks the blonde forward causing her to scream a little. They always try to cum together and this time it was easy. Clarke pushes her fingers against Lexa's crotch at the same time her thrusts come down on her long slender fingers that fit so far inside of her.

Lexa feels her stomach let go. Tiny thunderstorms throw a fit inside of her but she is determined to make Clarke scream, so she lifts up off the bed grabs her hip and fucks her at an alarming speed, she curls her fingers to hit her frontal wall with every rapid fuck. Clarke stops thrusting and just feels the attack swarm over her. It rolls through her core up her chest and out her fingers as she grips Lexa's shoulder blades and digs her nails in deep.

"FuuUUCKK!" Clarke screams with out any regard to who hears, she lets go completely and feels sharp shocks radiate all through her body. Lexa thrusts deep with her fingers still curled hard within her. She feels Clarke's soft insides close and clench around her—until something else happens…feeling hot wet cum flow out from the blonde in sweet release, she looks down. Clarke's mind goes blank, she lets out a guttural moan as her legs and arms disappear from her body, her eyes seem to be lost behind her lids as she reaches oblivion. "LEXAAA!" She shatters, moaning deeply after her scream dies down; she lets out a few high-pitched yelps as her orgasm crashes through her and takes her voice away. She shutters above the brunette as her legs begin to erratically shake. Clarke's boobs are tossing side to side in Lexa's face as she watches the most amazing event take place on top of her. She continues to fuck her, she feels cum all over her arm and stomach. Her mouth drops at the realization that Clarke had squirted all over her.

"Ohmyfuckinggod…Clarke…"

Lexa pulls out of her and looks at herself in awe. She grabs the blonde's waist and guides her to the bed turning her, placing her back down against the cool sheets so she can lie on top of her.

"You feel that?" Lexa is lying flush on top of Clarke, smothering her arousal between them.

"Mmm" Clarke can't even comprehend anything right now. Her head is still white as she just enjoys the sheer elation. She feels like a deity rising to her thrown. The blonde is pretty sure she has never been fucked that good ever.

"Lexa that was…" She tries to find the words but she can't, her breathing is heavy as she tries to catch it. Clarke's high is still smothering her mind and she still hasn't opened her eyes. A few tears slip out from the corners of them and the smile that sits on her face is so large that is reaches way beyond her eyes.

Lexa just watches her writhe under her as the after shocks of her orgasm are still coming in waves. She notices her smile stretched as far as it can go, she notices her eyes are fluttering, and she notices the rosy warmth of her cheeks peeking through her gorgeous white complexion. This is it. This is the moment. Lexa just fell in love with her all over again.

"Clarke…"

"Hm?"

Lexa's face is hovering over the blonde's as she admires the love of her life—her breath hitches.

"I am so _deeply_ in love with you."

Clarke's eyes pop open and find the most emerald green she has ever seen. Lexa's eyes are watering and this makes Clarke's eyes water even more. She wraps her arms tight around Lexa (even though she can't feel them) and slides one hand behind her neck to bring her in closer. Clarke applies the softest kiss to her luscious lips she can muster and pulls away just as softly.

"I love you Lexa… I love you _so_ fucking much." At that Lexa crashes her lips into hers and they enter into an intense kiss that almost hurts. Their tongues try to find new areas to glide over as Lexa turns her head to the side to capture her tongue against Clarke's in a languid and fluid manor. They both moan inside of each other's mouths and only when they can hardly breathe do they pull away.

"I love you" Lexa repeats again, looking into deep cerulean. Clarke smiles and delivers a chaste kiss to her lips before noticing a really slippery feeling between them. 

_Thievery Corporation- Shadows of Ourselves_

"What is that?" She looks down and shifts under Lexa, feeling her slip around on top of her.

Lexa grins like the Cheshire and lifts a little to show Clarke.

"Oh mygod, Lexa… is that from me?"

The brunette bites her lip and nods her head, "You practically squirted all over me Clarke… It was so great."

Clarke immediately turns red, shoving her palms over her eyes.

"I did not…ohmygod…that has never happened…"

Lexa giggles.

"Clarke hey… It was so fucking hot. You are amazing. Hey…" She pulls at her hands but Clarke won't budge.

"Baby, come on…"

At that Clarke opens her hands with wide eyes.

"Fuck, I love when you call me that." She smiles, grabbing Lexa's shoulder, lifting her leg into the brunette as she flips them over so she resides on top.

"What …Baby?" Lexa smiles—she knows what she means.

Clarke nods with out saying a word and unbuttons Lexa's pants.

"Did you get off?"

Lexa nods her head, "yeah, right as you did."

"Doesn't count if I didn't see or hear it Lexa…"

She watches as the blonde pulls her pants and underwear off and she helps by kicking them the rest of the way off to the floor.

-

"Did you hear that?" Raven is smiling wide against Octavia's thigh.

"Yeah, keep going…" She whines thrusting her hips up in Raven's face.

"It's like a fuck fest in here!"

Raven switches knees and continues to kneel on the kitchen floor eating out Octavia who is sitting on the counter. They know how unsanitary and not fair it is that they are fucking in the kitchen but they knew that Clarke and Lexa weren't coming out of their room any time today, so they thought it was safe. Plus, the possibility of getting caught turns them both on.

Raven continues to tongue fuck Octavia as her other hand plays at her clit. On occasion she licks hard all the way up, dances a number on her clit only to drag back down to push deep inside of her again. This was her favorite-Raven learned as she tries her best to perfect the technique.

Octavia moans, rutting into the mechanics mouth. The cold counter against her hot clenching ass makes her squirm. She quickly cums into her shaking orgasm. Raven digs deep and curls her tongue up and inside her as hard as she could while Octavia shook in pleasure.

"YEAH! Ohh yeah…" She feels it and loves it so bad. "Raven… you're so fucking good at that…"

Raven loves hearing that and smiles into her pussy. "Damn right I am…"

-

Clarke perks up and hears a moan in the kitchen, "Did you…Are they fucking in the kitchen?"

Lexa lifts up on her forearms and hears a loud 'yeah' in the kitchen, "yup, they are definitely out there. Haha"

"You want to show them what a real orgasm sounds like?" Clarke reaches into her nightstand and pulls out a surprise.

"What… is that?" Lexa looks at it wide eyed and a smile grows on her face.

"It's my girlfriend, before we met again."

Clarke holds a blue 7-inch dildo in her hand that has five different speed settings.

"Care to try her?"

Lexa looks at her and squints, "Her?"

"Yeah, her name is Alexandria." Lexa laughs out loud and puts her hands behind her head in full acceptance.

"Why _that_ name?"

"I got this after months and months of crying over you and needed some release, so I bought her and named her sort of after you."

Clarke laughs and turns it on to the lowest speed. Lexa frowns a little at the idea that she bought a dildo after she messed up years ago. But is more excited at Clarke using it on her now.

"Ready baby?" Clarke coos at her kneeling in between her legs on the floor.

"Fuck yeah" Lexa says leaning her head back. She is fully naked and has been enjoying Clarke between her legs.

Clarke crawls up on the bed to take Lexa's irresistible lips into hers before getting in deep, literally. "I really love you," she says against her lips as she kisses and nibbles on Lexa's neck.

She reaches down while sucking on her pulse point, sliding Alexandria down in between her legs and dragging her slowly up and down her soaking core. It is vibrating at the lowest speed but this makes Lexa gasp at the sensation.

"I've never used a dildo before…" She confides, breathing broken by the fast pulses of the blue member.

"Are you serious? How about a strap-on?" Clarke is looking into Lexa's eyes searching for the truth.

"Nope, have you?"

This pleases Clarke immensely as she continues to wet Alexandria against her folds.

"I have never used a strap-on either but we will…" She clicks to the next setting on her blue friend and shoves her face against Lexa's neck once more to continue her assault.

She gradually moves lower, kissing her breasts, sucking her nipples all at the same time she massages Lexa's clit with the vibrations from Alexandria.

"Oh Clarke… this feels amazing…"

She eventually ends up in between Lexa's legs and is slowly lapping her up and down. Making sure she is fully covered in her own arousal and her saliva. Clarke wraps her lips around her clit and sucks at it, inserting her tongue to circle around it at random moments. She set's Alexandria next to her leg and proceeds to prepare Lexa's center for the intrusion. Slipping one finger in as she manipulates her clitoris, feeling that she is so open and ready for more she slips two inside. Clarke slowly thrusts upward as she eases her tongue around her throbbing mound, not wanting her to come just yet.

"Relax completely Lexa, I have you now…"

Lexa lets go and completely relaxes, unclenching her stomach, stepping back from the edge of the orgasm she was at. 

_Son Lux- Easy_

Clarke continues her thrusts and adds a third finger. She backs away completely from her clit and blows on it to cool it down. This elicits an open mouthed moan from Lexa. She spreads her legs further as the blonde continues to pick up speed with her three fingers. She twists and tugs at her insides, making sure she is ready. Once she is satisfied she grabs Alexandria and sucks on her before she puts the tip near Lexa's entrance.

At this point Lexa is looking down at the determined blonde as she puts it into her mouth. Her eyes are wide and completely taken aback at how sexy Clarke is.

"Shit Clarke, you are fucking sexy" She keeps her eyes on her as she presses the tip of it inside her mouth and then inside of her.

"Ohhhh…"

Clarke looks up passed her toned stomach and perky breasts at Lexa's face as she twirls the tip further inside. Lexa reaches out and grips the sheets as she slowly pushes more of it into her. She squints her eyes and feels a bit of pain, but a good kind of pain. Clarke stands up a bit and hovers over Lexa as she pushes it passed the threshold causing Lexa to heave out a breath.

"This okay?"

Lexa licks her lips and nods frantically.

Clarke grins and inches back down on her knees and continues. She pushes in and out slow at first, allowing Lexa to adjust to the new size.

"Ohgahh—" Lexa screams but cuts herself off leaning her head back.

The blonde places her lips back onto the brunette's clit, fucking her slightly faster now that she is sure she is used to the girth.

"Fuck me… _baby_ "

Clarke clenches her legs at the words, shifting the setting to her own personal favorite, she fucks harder and flicks her tongue in circles around her clit, teasing and only flattening her tongue on top of it every so often.

Lexa feels her insides completely ravaged, her breathing is deep and erratic-her knuckles are white as she grips at the sheets-her mind is fucked-her body trembles as she can't seem to stop moving. Her toes are curled under-she writhes at the sensation of Clarke fucking her like this. With the vibrations inside of her and the sheer width of something like this sends Lexa into a frenzy.

"I can—ohmy—god—AHH…. _Clarke_!" She can't form sentences let alone real words. Clarke is the only thing she can say with out thinking. Her mind is raw and turning into slush. Lexa's stomach is pushed out and the ball she thought was small and bright was now the size of a melon—rolling itself up and around Lexa like a big bulging ball of orgasm that was just waiting to explode inside of her.

Clarke hasn't even angled Alexandria in the way she knows will send her over the edge. She is waiting for the best moment to release her last secret weapon. She bares her teeth and nips at the small swollen bud, lapping at it right after.

"AH! SHIT!" Lexa screams.

She sends a few more forceful fucks deep inside of her before angling the dildo upward into Lexa's G-spot. As she does this she flattens her tongue and puts hard pressure on her clit and drags it back and forth, fucking her fast and hard upwards.

Lexa lets out a loud scream that she can't possibly hold back, "HOLY FUUUUCCKKK"  
Her body shakes uncontrollably, bucking, twisting, and throwing itself into a complete spasm. Tears fall from her eyes as she tries to hold onto the bed, she can't speak- she can't moan or whine-she is stuck in this gut-wrenching whirlpool of an orgasm. Clarke's eyes are open, her clit aches and clenches at the sight before her. "ohmygod.." She mumbles against Lexa's sex.

Lexa's back arches off the bed and she turns completely on her side. Clarke pulls out at this point and drops Alexandria on the floor so she can crawl up the bed to hold Lexa through her climax. Lexa rolls onto her stomach continuing to shake and twitch.  
"OHhhh…" she moans into the pillow, still gripping the sheets. Clarke slides her body up the back of Lexa and lays on top of her, breasts pushing into her back.

"Shhh… Relax" She kisses at the back of Lexa's neck and applies wet licks as she sucks.

Lexa can't speak or move-she is glad Clarke climbed on her. It is helping her from twitching uncontrollably at the after shocks of the best orgasm of her fucking life. It was nothing she has ever felt before. The deep emotional connection paired with the deep physical penetration was unbelievable.

Clarke smiles against her skin and peppers kisses along her shoulder blades where she sees her scratch marks that she has left. Suddenly she stops kissing and lifts her head up to see Lexa crying.

"Hey... Lexa?" She shifts off to the side so their faces are now touching.

"Lexa...shhh… whats the matter baby?" Clark brushes the hair from Lexa's face, rubbing her back while she waits for an answer.

"It's okay, I am here…Shhh…"

Lexa has transitioned into a complete sob as she turns from laying on her stomach to her side so she can cuddle into Clarke. Their legs entwine and their arms extend over each other to hold their bodies close.

"Lexa what's wrong, you're scaring me…" Clarke looks at her as she wipes her tears away; now panicking that she might of hurt her.

"I just… I love you so much Clarke…"

At that Clarke relaxes and realizes that she is having post orgasm cries.

"Awhaw, _baby_ …" She kisses Lexa's eyes, cheeks and then presses a long kiss to her lips.

"I love you more than anything." She assures her.

"Clarke…"

The blonde pulls away, holding Lexa's face in between her hands.

"I'm sorry I ever hurt you. I… I didn't know I could love again… or… even at all."

Her sobs slow into just tears now.

"I have had these…like strong feelings for you since the day at the hospital. Like it was nature pulling me towards you and I resisted. I didn't want it. I… I was afraid because of what Costia did…and I really wanted you to be mine. I just couldn't…."

"Lexa, It's okay… I forgive you. I am glad you are okay and that we went through that… I think it made us stronger…"

She kisses a light kiss, " I don't think either of us was ready for this then…"

Lexa opens her eyes and finds the vibrant blue blaring into her green.

"And…Now?"

Clarke smiles.

"Now, I think we are more than ready."

She places a soft touch with the back of her hand to Lexa's face, "We can't promise each other that we won't hurt one another but we can promise that we will always be there for each other when we do. I promise you that I will be. I meant every word I said last night Lexa. Your wants and needs are my wants and needs. Your pain is my pain."

Clarke is always taking her breath away; she just stares into her eyes and can't believe she got so lucky. Right now she is thankful for Costia and everything that lead up to the point of meeting Clarke.

"I swear fealty to you Clarke, your strife is my strife and I promise you that I will do my best to be there for you always. I have never had a home and I think I have found mine with you. I honestly can say I have never been happier. Thank you for everything that you are."

The blonde's heart is fluttering out of her chest and she can't help but whimper at the sheer beauty and tenderness of the brunette in front of her. She leans in to capture it with her lips and doesn't let go. She wants this moment to embed itself into her soul; she wants to remember how she feels now for when anything happens she can retreat into this. Clarke has found her soul mate.

Lexa cries into the kiss and pulls away to ask one thing.  
"Will you be my girlfriend… please?" with a cracked whispered plea.

Clarke's eyebrows point upward into her forehead as her eyes let tears fall at the sheer adorableness Lexa is being right now. My god, she is everything.

"I love you Lexa, _Of course_ I will be yours." She throws her lips against Lexa's causing her to roll back on her back. Clarke leans over her and entangles their body once more. She slides her tongue along her bottom lip asking for entry. Lexa grants this entry moving her hands up Clarke's backside. They make out for the first time as girlfriends.

-

"Oh hot damn!" Octavia calls out from the couch as Raven and her started to play a movie in the living room.

"They must be having the best sex ever because fucking shit they are loud. It's kind of turning me on…" Raven thrusts into Octavia who is laying on her in between her legs as they watch Lucky Number Sleven.

"Ew Raven, I will not fuck to the soundtrack of our best friend's screaming orgasms"

Raven busts out laughing, frowning a little at the turn down.

"Aww, why not… they both are very sexy women…" Octavia stiffens and looks up at her.

"Yeah well I have only ever been hot for one woman."

The mechanic lifts her head up and looks down into Octavia's eyes, "oh yeah? Who is that?"

"…Michelle Rodrigues duh!" Octavia laughs.

Raven falls back, frowning with all her might. She tries to make tears swell up in her eyes but she couldn't.

Octavia sees Raven trying to look devastated, "Shut up, you know it's you Raven" She digresses.

Raven glints a huge smile, strutting her shoulders a bit before tightening her grip around Octavia. She wedges herself down further into the couch for more snuggles.


	21. Chapter 21

**-CH. 21 Love is strength**

She stares at her phone sitting in the car; Abby has never seen Anya act this way. Her eyes are watering not knowing what to do; she tries calling her.

 _Ring Ring_

Ring Ring

 _Ring Ring_

With out success she hangs up before it reaches voicemail and swallows her sadness. What did she expect, Anya was young and she had a history of running away from things. Abby was frustrated and upset but she wasn't going to let it end this way. She loves Anya; She knows that for sure but what would come of it? The older woman was discovering that hidden part of her that she snuffed out in high school. She never thought feelings for a woman could happen again yet here she is, pining for this woman, this raw and relentless woman. It isn't smart, contrary to her habitual dogma it is reckless and daring. She wants that in her life, she craves it even. However, she just keeps driving straight despite Anya being in the opposite direction.

* * *

 _Marian Hill- Down_

Its late evening now and Anya has defended the pool table she claimed with just four quarters early in the day. She has a group of people around her as she waits for her next challenger leaning on her pool cue. She sways back and forth to the music and locks eyes with a girl that has been by her side all night. Anya's been flirting with anyone and everyone she can to forget about the one she inevitably sees in each of their faces. The conflicted fray that splays her insides throws her into frivolous activity. She slides her free hand around the backside of the girl looking up at her; she doesn't bother with remembering her name, pulling her into her body. Her head tilts down to hover over her face, the girl swoons having been waiting for this all night.

Lexa, Clarke, Octavia, and Raven walk through the front doors with limbs laced. They look around getting a feel for the place; it is busy and full of hopeful faces. Lexa has been texting and calling Anya but hasn't gotten through so she gathered the girls to come with her for support. Clarke took some convincing but nothing a few well-placed kisses couldn't handle. Eventually they were all willing to get out of the house for some fresh air.

Lexa walks slowly scanning the crowd for her sister, a bit more worried than she was before. Raven feels she might need to do this on her own so she grabs the arms of Clarke and Octavia dragging them to the bar.

"Hey Lex, we will be over here if you need us. Shots are calling our name!"

Lexa looks to them nodding her head with a faint smile. She reaches out to grab Clarke's hand that is already extended endearingly. Their fingers slide over one another until Clarke has been pulled too far away. Her blue eye winks assurance at Lexa making her smile grow sturdy. Walking further into Polis she spots Anya in the back pool area with a girl in between her legs and in between her lips. This makes her smirk a bit hoping that this is the mystery girl and they had made up from whatever fight had caused Anya's earlier need. But as she got closer she recognizes the girl and cocks her head slightly at the coincidence.

"Ahem… An" She announces her presence addressing her sister in hopes to bring her out of her indulgence.

Anya barely looks up with her eyes; agitated that someone would disturb her. She grins when she sees it's Lexa but continues the kiss until she makes the girl beneath her moan. Achieving success, she pulls back with her hands wrapped around the girl to keep her against her.

"Lexa." She greets in return.

The girl in between Anya turns her head and jerks back in reaction.

"Lexa?"

Anya looks from Lexa to the girl, grin disappearing, and scoffs.

"Don't tell me you've already fucked this one Lex."

Lexa furrows her brow deducing from the crude comment that this wasn't the mystery girl and that her sister is drunk.

"Hello Harper and no An, to answer your question. She is in m—"

"We just kissed once…" Harper interjects, "…But to be honest you are the better kisser" She leans in and grabs Anya's face into a deep kiss. Lexa is sure she is just showing off but rolls her eyes anyway.

"Anya, what is going on? Are you okay?" Lexa asks earnestly, ignoring Harper's taunt.

* * *

Octavia takes her shot and winces at the burn.

"Raven, what the fuck. I said _top_ shelf tequila!"

Raven laughs at her scrunched up face, "But then I wouldn't have gotten to see that face!" She lifts her hands and grabs onto her cheeks.

Octavia pushes her and signals for one of the bartenders, "Three Tres Generaciones añejos naked please!"

"Ay, mami… Te puedo dar esa" Raven grabs Octavia's waist bringing her in for a kiss. The wild girl melts into her arms; she loves it when Raven speaks Spanish to her. It gets her every time.

Clarke laughs and takes her shot with out making a face, "Whatever, what's the difference?" She figures that taking shots will be the best way to get rid of her underlying headache she has had all day but was too 'busy' to notice.

Octavia pulls away from Raven's irresistible lips to reply,

"The difference?! My god pobre chica estúpida, everything! Any bottom shelf tequila that says gold in the name, is _not_ even 100 percent agave and most often than not, is not even made with agave, hence not real tequila. They dye bottom of the barrel spirits to taste and look like the real deal." Octavia sticks her tongue out and makes a throaty growl in disgust.

Raven bites her lips, leaning her hips into her. "Do that again…"

O looks at her with a grin sliding the shots she received toward her friends.

"To family!" She lifts her shot glass and before she could knock it back along with them she notices Harper in between Lexa and Anya at the back of the bar.

"The _fuck_ …" she says under her breath as her eyes turn dark full of disdain. Octavia shoots back her shot quickly then slams it down on the bar top.

* * *

Anya gives into the kiss, making it way more heated than it needed to be in front of her sister. She ignores her question for a beat before lifting herself up for air, "Why don't you get your own Lexa, or has Clarke already _bored_ you?"

Lexa knows better than to let her words cut deep, Anya was a mean drunk and wasn't going to give in to her cheap shot.

"An, can you stop for one second and just talk to me? This is not going to fix any problems." She puts her hands in her back pockets, taking a step back a bit perturbed about her comment. It still stung because Anya had helped her through her struggles with Clarke and to have her insult her was a bit harsh.

Harper is frustrated at Lexa's attempt to clam jam her until she gets an idea. She puts a hand on Anya's chest and saunters out from between her legs toward Lexa and then she puts her other hand on Lexa's chest grabbing at her collar, "We can all just go back to my place and talk?"

Clarke looks at Octavia's obvious mood change and reaches her hand out to rest on her shoulder, "What's up O?" She doesn't wait for a reply turning her head to look in the direction she is glaring. She sees some girl with her hands on Lexa with a seductive look in her eye.

"What the-?" She looks back at Octavia, "Do you know her?"

Raven finishes ordering a round of shots to take over to Lexa and Anya when she pulls back and notices Clarke and Octavia piercing each other with sharp eyes.

"Woah, What happened in the twenty seconds I was away?" She grabs both of their shoulders and pushes against them to answer. Octavia nods her chin toward the back of the bar. Raven swivels her head, looking over the heads of the people beside them and spots Harper gripping at Lexa's shirt with Lexa's hand wrapping around her wrist. At that she shrinks down and looks wide-eyed at Octavia.

"That girl is becoming a problem. What the _hell_ is she doing here!?"

Clarke darts her eyes between her best friends flamingly confused before realizing the conversation she overheard in the kitchen, "THAT'S the bitch that Lexa _kissed_ in the kitchen, isn't it?" She asks with a hitch on the word kissed. Raven and O both drop their jaw and grab onto Clarke who was half way off her seat to rage toward them.

She turns with fury, "Let go of me! Were you guys going to tell me or just hope I would never find out?!"

Octavia steps to her side, "It looked like she was the one who kissed Lexa after the body shot and we didn't want it to ruin what you two were trying to fix! Lexa didn't want it and she pulled away immediately. I told that bitch to step off and obviously she has a death wish!"

Clarke swallows hard, "Body shot?!" She rescinds her advance, leans against the bar. She sees the shots in front of her, grabs two and throws them back one after the other.

* * *

 _Blood Red Shoes- It's Getting Boring By The Sea_

"Harper! Stop, I have a girlfriend." Lexa wraps her hand around her wrist for her to let go but she doesn't.

Anya just stares blankly at Lexa, "Then go away Lexa. Go to your _girlfriend_."

"Anya! What about that woman you were seeing? What happened with that?"

She doesn't answer Lexa, pulling Harper into her again. "I'm exploring my options," muttering into Harper's mouth before kissing her to hide her watery eyes and drown her pain.

Harper grips harder on to Lexa as she tries to step back from their sickening display. The girl's eyes are open, staring at Lexa's lips as she kisses her sister. Lexa squints her eyes, disgusted at this girl's persistence in all things. "Let go Harper!" she asserts squeezing her wrist hard.

Before Harper could let go, Clarke was already by Lexa's side grabbing a handful of the thirsty girl's hair and yanks her off of Anya and Lexa. "She said let go bitch!" she yells as she pulls her back over her planted leg causing her to stumble back into Octavia. Clarke puts a hand up against Lexa's chest to prevent her from stepping forward to reassure her.

"Don't." Clarke hurtfully whispers. She would talk to Lexa later but right now she wanted to rage.

Octavia catches Harper and pushes her back up to her feet. "Get up slut!"

The girls are a tight-knit group, if anyone tries to fuck with any of them it was hell to pay. Class, ethics, and logic all fly out of the window and all gloves come off. Clarke was unduly jealous that this girl had her hands on Lexa and her lips on her not but days ago. Her head was fuzzy and she wasn't going to sit idle while everything they just went through was being challenged right under her nose.

Clarke turns to face Harper head on, inches from her face. If anyone were to glance over to their group right now, they would think Clarke and Harper were about to devour each other. With fire in her eyes she seethes through her teeth, "You _kiss_ my girlfriend, and _now_ you go after her sister?! What a little tramp you are." She lingers over her just waiting for her to make a move so she can shatter her into pieces.

Anya gets up off her stool amused and satisfied at the events taking place. This was way more entertaining than just making out with a random girl.

"Unfortunately Blondie, you have no say who I kiss and maybe if you kissed Lexa better she wouldn't be out where she doesn't belong" She pulls Harper to step behind her trading places with her in Clarke's face. "Why don't you go run to your mommy and leave the fun for us lesser folk. Oh, and tell her I said hi."

Clarke flinches her head back in confusion, "What the hell, Anya?"

Furious, Lexa steps in and pulls Clarke behind her trading places with her in Anya's face. "Don't you fucking _dare_ bow up at her, take your anger out on me if you have to Anya. But to hell with your twisted mouth!" Lexa pushes Anya back to get her further away from Clarke.

Anya fights back her pain along with her tears and lets go of Harper to push Lexa back hard into the pool table. Clarke moves to retaliate but is stopped by Raven who pulls her back. Anya continues her momentum and comes at her again but Lexa is ready and quickly recovers lunging at Anya at the same time. Anya lowers her stance to tackle her but Lexa braces herself to be checked and grabs her sister into a headlock to slow her. They crash into the pool table with Lexa's side and Anya punches her in the stomach.

"Anya! Stop!" She says straining to breathe.

Lexa keeps a strong hold around her neck and drags her toward the back exit as she shoulders through the heavy doors and throws her into the alley.

"Anya! Talk to me! Quit this!"

* * *

Clarke shrugs Raven off her, moving to step in front of the stunned Harper and pulls her arm all the way back...

 **SMACK**

She slaps Harper across her face as hard as she could. "Stay the _fuck_ away!"

Raven's mouth stretches into a thin line inhaling a breath as she looks around for any witnesses but before she can do any damage control, Octavia is already grabbing Harper away from Clarke and pushes her to the front of the bar.

"Get out." The wild girl hisses as she pushes Harper to walk faster. A few people watch in worry as the look on Harper's face is swollen and stunned—a red mark in the shape of hand making itself known on the side of her face. "Stop whoring yourself around and get some self respect before you end up in a ditch…" Octavia says to her as she shoves her out the front door.

"Damn Griffin! Got any soap…cause this opera is getting dirrrtayyy" Raven half laughs, reaching out to her shoulder to comfort her, which Clarke steps away from. The blonde makes her way out the back door without a word.

"Yup, definitely not a comedy… It seems as though we are just stuck in a tragedy..." Raven shakes her head as she shoves a pool ball to collide with the others.

* * *

Anya doesn't listen, seeing red. "You were always getting in the way of me getting laid Lex, always needing to be taken care of!" She spews as she checks into Lexa again—shoulder-to-shoulder, heads down beside one another. They push against each other with full force, arms bracing arms.

"You were _always_ choosing the wrong person An! They were _ruining_ you!" Lexa winces at the pain in her side and stomach.

"AHH!" Anya screams squeezing her eyes closed, causing her held-back tears to fall. She hikes her leg up thrusting her knee into Lexa's side. Lexa grunts at the sharp pain, she clenches at her stomach and crumbles to the ground. Anya knew that was her weak spot where she had broken a few ribs and immediately regretted it; she falls to the ground with her.

"I needed _more_ than just a sister… I… We were _so_ young…" Anya collapses into a sob resting her head on top of Lexa's.

Lexa begins to cry lifting herself up as she throws her arms around her sister, "We were…" Her voice cracks.

Anya pulls away trying to swallow her weakness, " I took care of you didn't I? We weren't completely lost were we?"

Lexa nods her head, "You took care of me An… We took care of each other." She takes a breath and transitions into shaking her head. "Both of us had to be more than we should have been." Anya falls on her bottom in complete disarray.

"Hey…" She holds Anya's head up and wipes her tears away with the pad of her thumb, "Even if we were lost, we are found now… I got you. We are all we'll ever need. We are home to each other okay?"

Her sister pulls her legs up to her chest burrowing her head between her knees. "It's Abby…" She mumbles into her legs, half hoping her sister wouldn't hear her confession; half hoping she would so she could get some relief. Anya hasn't been able to confide in anyone about her, which left her to deal with the struggle all on her own. She is tired of being strong.

Lexa clenches her jaw, trying to hear the echo of her words in her head. _It's Abby…_

"What about Abby, Anya?" She puts her hand over hers with suspension in her belly.

Anya keeps her head down burrowing it further into herself, "The woman I've been seeing…"

Her green eyes go wide at her sister's confession as her stomach wrenches at the thought. She searches her mind for every sign, for every clue that could have pointed to this reveal. Her mind flashes back to the woman she saw Anya with near the statue in the middle of campus. Lexa _knew_ that truck looked familiar. Her mind then flashes to Clarke and how she would react to this. She swallows hard and whispers,

"How long has this been going on?"

Anya shrugs her shoulders, "It doesn't matter. I think it's over…" Her words are broken, straining to push through the thick tears that cover her mouth. "I'm stupid… I messed up Lexa…"

Lexa scoots closer to Anya, wrapping her legs around her sister to place her head on top of hers. "Hey… shh…"

She takes a breath to think about what she wants to say. What is there to say? _Anya and Abby? How could that ever work…_

"Look, Anya… We can't control who we like or love, all we can do is follow our heart in hopes that it leads us to the opportunity of happiness. That is what life is about right? Finding happiness. And if you found that within your relationship then you didn't mess up Anya. It's an experience and whether it's good or bad, you learned about yourself. You let someone in who inspired you, who motivated you to be better. Abby is an amazing woman and if she truly cares about you, it can't be over that quickly…"

Anya lifts her head causing Lexa to shift hers to the side, "I told her I was a mother fucker Lexa. She didn't want to tell anyone, esp—Clarke!"

Anya darts her eyes up and finds Clarke standing against the back exit, blankly staring at them. Her expression wasn't anger or sadness; Anya couldn't see emotion in her eyes at all.

Lexa stands up abruptly and turns around to see Clarke, pale—still—quiet as a mouse.

"Clarke…Are you okay?" Lexa steps a little closer to her, but not too far and not too fast. She ends up equidistant between the two people she loves most in the world—torn. She looks from Anya, to Clarke, to Anya and then to the sky with a deep sigh.

Clarke doesn't say a word. Her mind is reeling—her heart is feeling.

She had walked out right after Anya kneed Lexa during their consoling moment and decided to step back to allow them time to work it out. Clarke didn't want to go back inside to her friends because she was hurt. She knew they were protecting her but she still couldn't help but feel the blade of betrayal graze her heart. And then to hear Lexa say her mother's name in the context in which she was giving Anya advice, twisted her mind. Her brain reacted and numbed itself. The past few days have been so fucking intense that she can't believe it's still coming. That life is still shitting on her. It seems unreal and unfair.

Lexa can't tell what's on the blonde's mind; worried she will break again. This was so much to process after last night. Worry weighs heavy on her eyebrows. She can usually tell what lies behind her blue eyes but she can't see passed the glisten. So she is at a loss of what she should do, whom she should comfort. Just as she was about to move toward her girlfriend, Clarke beats her to it and walks forward. Lexa gives her a side smile and reaches out to her, except she walks right by Lexa and kneels down to Anya.

Lexa is unsure; she doesn't know what Clarke is going to do so she reaches out to caution her. Lexa loves Clarke but she would protect her sister, even from her… but it's like Clarke felt Lexa's worry because at that exact moment, she turns to lay a hand on her stomach. Lexa inhales sharply and looks into her eyes; Clarke shows her understanding and urges her to trust her with just a look. Lexa grabs her hand on her stomach and squeezes it, giving her strength before stepping back.

"You and my mom?" Clarke turns to Anya who is looking at her with regret and shame. Anya nods her head, "I'm sorry…" she breathes.

Clarke sits back on her heels and shakes her head. "Shhh… You have nothing to be sorry about Anya." She reaches out to Anya's arm and rubs it to console her. Clarke can feel her pain and knows what it's like to love against all sense of will.

Lexa can't believe the strength she is seeing from Clarke, how she is handling the news. She can't help but feel a glowing sense of pride to call this girl hers.

"How long has this been going on?"

Anya shrugs her shoulders, "On and off for a while, but steady for over 6 months."

Clarke sighs, thinking to herself. She looks up at Lexa, "And you didn't know?"

Lexa shook her head, "no…"

Relieved that Lexa didn't know, that someone else wasn't keeping something from her she continues,

"What happened Anya?"

Clarke was concerned for her, she knew her mother and she was a very collected and calculative person. She was tenaciously caring but her work was more important to her than anything so it hindered her with ill timed resolutions, which Clarke was all too familiar. She understood the eclipse that is her mother, one moment you are warm under her light and then in the next you can be left cold under her shadow. It was something she feared and admired about her mother. Clarke was upset but not at Anya.

She can see Anya now.

Bare.

Broken.

She wasn't angry.

She knows she should be but she isn't.

For the first time she feels like her eyes are wide open.

She sees herself in Anya at this moment with austere clarity.

Clarke sees the remnants of a jagged past cutting chasms into her present, sparing no mercy for stability, leaving only doubt to decay the choices she once believed in.

Anya doesn't speak because she doesn't exactly know what happened, she could just feel it happening. At her inability to explain or justify herself, she winces in self-loathing.

"Shh…it's okay…." Clarke scoots up to her side, mimicking her position and puts an arm around her. She doesn't need to hear an explanation. Clarke leans her head against Anya's shoulder and starts to hum a low melody. It was faint but loud enough to distract any corrupting frequency of her mind. They sit like this for a while as Lexa shifts her weight on her heels admiring Clarke comforting her sister. Her heart grows in her chest as she looks on, hearing the soft cathartic rumble of her voice.

It calms her too.

Something inside of Lexa settles and she swears it almost feels like security.

Raven sits at the bar with her forehead resting in her hand propped up by an elbow accompanied by an old fashioned. Her brain is on overdrive thinking how she can fix this. She is always moving pieces around in her head, gears always turning.

"What's on that genius mind of yours?" Octavia nudges her with her shoulder.

The mechanic smiles and quips, "everything and nothing- all in its infinity."

Sometimes she doesn't make sense or it makes too much sense to even make sense of it all.

"You know, you get so into your head when you get drunk. It's kind of hot." She tries to lighten her mood and it works.

Raven lifts her head out of her hand, "You think I'm hot huh?"

"kind of…"

"Pshh, you basically ravaged me the first chance you got."

Octavia turns bright red and shifts in her seat. This was the first time Raven has brought that night up.

"heh, yeah…" O takes a swig of her beer and picks at the label, not knowing what to say.

They both glance away pretending to watch the UFC match on the television.

"I've never done anything like that before, let alone react the way that I did."

Octavia stops breathing at the surprise confession, the atmosphere isn't playful in fact it's almost serious. She clears her throat slowly turning to look at her. The vulnerability glows from her eyes, it's sweet and the softest she has ever seen Raven. Her head rests on her arm on the bar now, looking straight at her.

"It was my first time…" Octavia leans in, "With a girl; being like that."

Raven picks her head up, "Like what?"

She swallows, "dominant."

"Oh." Her umber eyes flicker down to the cherry she has been fiddling with in her drink.

"Did…" Octavia fidgets with her label again; it's nearly completely picked off. "Did you like it?"

Raven curls her bottom lip in between her teeth taking a breath in through her nose and exhales.

"Wasn't it obvious?" She looks at her friend, noticing how nervous she is.

Octavia exhales a breathy laugh and nods.

"Like I said, I've never reacted that way before Octavia..."

"What way?" Octavia knows what she is talking about but she just wonders if she will say it out loud, being the little dirt pocket that she is.

Raven lets out a small laugh lifting herself straight in her stool, "Never mind."

"What, no…" Octavia turns completely towards her scooting on the edge of her stool so her knees clamp around one of Raven's as her hand falls on her thigh. "Don't be embarrassed, it's just me…"

"You felt it..." She shrugs her shoulders, "I like… came everywhere." She blushes immensely, covering it up by tilting her drink back to finish it.

"And that really turned me on Ray" she squeezes her thigh to reassure her.

"I heard"

Octavia smirks with uncertainty, "Yeah? How come you didn't turn over then?"

Raven stiffens and slouches her shoulders subsequently.

"I felt like I did something wrong…I know I am not that experienced like you but… I can learn if yo—"

"Octavia, you didn't do anything wrong and you don't need to learn anything. You're really fucking good. Like… fuck." Raven runs her hand through her hair, "It's good. You're good." She puts her hand over Octavia's hand that still rests on her thigh.

"I was just really surprised and not used to being handled like that." Raven flashes a look of concern, "And if you tell _anyone_ about it I will withhold Her from you for months."

Octavia laughs, "Her?"

"Yeah she doesn't like it when girls kiss and tell on her." Raven looks down toward her crotch with a grin.

Octavia looks at her crotch and lifts her brows taking the last sip of her beer, "well…"

"WHAT?! You didn't!"

"I had no one else to talk to! You weren't talking to me! I was kind of freaking out…Clarke is like not telling someone, you know. She doesn't count!"

"OH. MY. GOD. I'll just ostrich out the rest of the semester, thanks for that." Raven groans with a smile and slams her head against her arm resting on the bar top.

* * *

 _Aurora- Conqueror (Kartell Remix)_

There was silence in the alley as three girls sit side by side now, two arms overlapping the back of one. One heart grows stronger; one abates and the other interludes. The effectuation of their past rears itself prominently in each of them, defeating them in battle but has yet won the war.

Clarke clears her throat and begins, "Losing portions of yourself because people aren't in your life as they should be or as you want to be is a seemingly harsh self betrayal. You fight; clawing and pushing in a desperate plea that it all stays together. Scars form around the gaps in your heart and you think nothing can ever grow there again."

Clarke sits on Anya's left side as Lexa sits on the right. She speaks looking straight ahead as they listen. Lexa has never heard her talk about herself in this way, in fact she has never seen her this open in the three years she has known her. It feels bitter sweet to witness the bloom. Her center so exposed and vulnerable, it burns Lexa's heart in duality. Clarke is showing such resilience and strength in this moment that she almost looks different. She feels the shift of the cadence in her voice, the shift in her frequency; more powerful than ever which causes a rift in the brunette's heart. She envies Clarke's vitality wishing she herself could achieve the elevation. Her nadir must have been last night and instead of succumbing to the world, she broke through rock bottom and ended up right on top.

"…But it's wrong of you to set this impossible standard for yourself and your heart. It's finite yes, but those scars are life itself. Things are taken and broken but you are still there, alive. You always _will_ be left alive in the end and if you're lucky some people will stick by your side, even if it just temporary because you see— nothing is forever. All we have is this…"

Clarke sways the trio with her shoulder, "Right here, the now. Past be damned because it's just another step that gets us to where we are going. Though it is up to us to keep stepping up, to keep moving forward. Those scars are strength…love is strength."

Lexa is sure she isn't just talking to Anya; she is talking to herself with her newfound salience. She is discovering a new part of herself and she gets to witness it.

"It seems there is tragedy in all things yet because of them we get something more illustrious. We find pieces of ourselves in those moments, within other people, and even inside us that we never knew were there. And with all that we can either pick up those pieces and build upon ourselves or let them lie to poke holes in the fabric of our existence."

Clarke blinks and turns to find Lexa staring at her with tears in her eyes. The corner of her gaunt lip rises, as she knows her tears aren't of sorrow because she is smiling that smile that lets her know it's them against the world. Clarke nods to her, tears already laden paths down her own cheeks and leans her head against Anya's.

"You are one of the strongest people I have ever known Anya and from now on you will be a part of our scars. We will hold each other up so we can use our internal mars as steps to personal power. I've adopted you into our family now, and there is no running from it, for I will hunt you down to only bring you back… Do you hear me?"

She laughs light heartedly knocking her shoulder into Anya searching for a sign of permeation. Anya sobs but nods her head in acceptance. And that's the first step.

Lexa wants to speak but she is rendered speechless. Even though her words weren't exactly meant for her, she felt them reverberate her proverbial foundation; amending it's constitution. Her tears fall in liberation and she can't help but grip Clarke's shoulder behind Anya's back in approbation, she is so proud of her. This girl was beyond what she could ever hope to find in this world. Clarke looks up into viridian smiles and sees Lexa silently mouth an 'I Love you.'

She returns it without missing a beat.

* * *

"In all seriousness Ray, I have never felt this way for a woman before…so there are so many firsts for me. I want to take this slow like we said because despite how natural and easy it is to be with you, I am still catching up on the inside."

Raven nods, quietly hearing the words that seep between the lines. She knows Octavia cares about her but all she can hear right now is those words slipping past all others; the ones that say 'I'm not sure if I'm in love you' 'I don't know myself' 'We will see'.

Raven feels the love but it always needs declaration, what love doesn't require that final vow to tether itself to the intended?

She just nods.

"Raven?"

She nods again.

"Are you listening to me?"

She nods but this time she blinks her eyes and responds, "Yeah…I hear you."

"Are you sure you are hearing me because it seems as though you are stuck somewhere between those gears of yours. Talk to me…" Octavia wants nothing more than to be at home with Raven in her arms so she can feel more of her thoughts.

"I…" She begins but the sight of someone so familiar and yet so foreign has caught her eye. "What is she doing here?" Her head lifts and perks her head forward to see if her eyes are deceiving her.

Octavia turns not quite seeing who she is talking about, "Who Raven?"

"Clarke's mom is here…" she says softly.

Octavia stands this time and leans out into the walkway. She spots Abby with a worried look in her brow. They both watch her approach the bar at the end; none of them intend to move toward her. Abby purchases a few bottles of water and walks right by them with out notice. She is wearing scrubs and looks a bit disheveled.

"What… did Clarke call her mom? What is happening?" She grabs Raven's arm and pulls her up to follow.

* * *

Anya's sobs hinder and soon her head is lifted as she breathes steady.

"Thank you Clarke, your words mean more than you know…"

"I mean it An, I want you around more. I won't take no for an answer."

Anya nods in compliance, "I'd like that."

"We are home Anya, no more running, no more fighting…" Lexa grips her sister's arm. "I don't think my body can take anymore of your beatings." She laughs.

Anya chuckles with a short exhale, "Sorry kid, it's just another scar… Step up."

Clarke laughs at her words being parroted which in turn makes them all laugh, lightening the mood and bringing them into benevolence.

The back door opens and they all look up with smiles on their faces until Abby emerges into the alleyway. Anya's face drops as she abruptly straightens up her shoulders, causing the two girls to lean outward.

"Wha…what are you doing here?" Her voice projects barely carrying weight.

"I texted her."

Anya whips her head to her left to look at Clarke and then back up at Abby. Her expression is strained and full of worry.

"I think you two need to talk. I realized that I might be the underlying cause of all this and just in case that I am, I need to let you both know…" She looks up at her mom and then back down to Anya. "I will not stand in the way of whatever this is. I am not exactly sure I understand it but you both seem to care for one another and I won't get in the way of that."

(Octavia and Raven peak their heads out from the door. They don't move any further, content to just observe the chaos of the night)

Clarke gets up wiping her pants from the damp gravel that clings and looks up to Abby, "Mom…thank you for coming."

Abby steps forward, "Clarke…"

Clarke lifts her hand up, "We will talk later but for now…" She looks down at Anya, "…fix this."

Abby looks down at Anya and flicks her a smile.

Clarke looks at Lexa and signals for her to get up and follow her lead. Before they can walk away to give them space, Abby hands them both water bottles. "Drink these and go home girls. You have school tomorrow." And there, amongst everything, is her tenacious due diligence, her motherness never ceasing.

"Thanks mom" Clarke reaches out to take the bottle of water with one hand as she reaches out with her other to squeeze her mom's arm.

Abby looks down at her reassuring grip and glints back up to look in her daughters eyes. There is something different about her. She can't quite place what it is but she feels durability radiating from her daughter and couldn't be more proud of the woman she has become. She reaches out to grip her hand in its place with a pithy smile.

Clarke beams in kind and then turns away entwining her fingers in Lexa's hand to head back inside.

 _Cigarettes after sex- Affection_

Abby looks after them until they disappear behind the doors. She sighs heavily and pivots to meet Anya's afflicted gaze.

"Hey…" she whispers as she lowers herself to sit in front of Anya.

The girl doesn't say anything fighting back her tears. She is done crying and doesn't want to let Abby see her so weak.

"Hey…" She says again scooting closer moving one leg in between Anya's as the other wraps to her side, embracing her in a hug. She pulls away opening the last bottled water she has and hands it over to Anya.

"I'm sorry Anya, It hasn't been easy for us..." She holds her tight.

"Clarke is stronger than I thought and it shouldn't have come to this. I can't tell you I know exactly what I am doing or where this is going but within our own little world, it feels like it all could be okay." She shifts her face to nuzzle in the crook of Anya's neck while she drinks.

Anya loses her battle as tears descend— she swallows "I'm sorry too…" lifting her arms off her knees she wraps them around the older woman. "I found something in you Abby…and I am so glad that I did. I don't regret anything…"

Abby lifts her head from her neck feeling a 'but' coming on.

Her eyes water as she asks, "…but?"

Anya takes another sip of water before continuing, "But I think we needed each other in a way we both were missing. In a twisted sense we found it in pieces…"

She closes her eyes. "We fit them as best we could in the void but…"

She sighs a deep sigh, not sure if she will regret what she is about to say."I don't think this is what we need now… Our paths are going two separate ways Abby…"

She looks at her trying to see if she understands.

Abby nods her head with her eyes unfocused, her mind flashing back to high school. She fell in love with a girl on the basketball team. Her name was Becca. They spent every moment together until her parents found out about them. They tried to keep in touch but Becca's parents took every precaution in keeping them from their love. Soon it became too difficult, their paths were pulled apart before they could discover the pieces of themselves within each other.

"Abby… I think we found a bit of ourselves in each other." Anya rests the palm of her hand on her cheek. "I think sometimes that is the reason why some people are brought together. Your daughter helped me realize that today... She said 'we can either pick up those pieces and build upon ourselves or let them lie to poke holes in the fabric of our existence.' And I found a part of me in you Abby… that I was missing for a very long time. I never had a mother or someone I could love like I have with you. It was a mix of things that I had no idea that I was missing until I met you."

The older woman closes her eyes and lifts her hand to hold against the younger girl's cheek as well, she understands that this must end. That Anya is ending it. Despite the resistance she feels in her heart she holds on to the words she is saying.

"I feel the same Anya… I think I have found a piece of me in you that I didn't get a chance to find when I was younger. I really do love you; I think we will always hold a part of each other within ourselves." As she says this, her voice fades into a mere whisper and this makes Anya's heart coil.

Anya leans forward and places the most fragile kiss she could muster upon Abby's quivering mouth. She holds it there, feeling her, and taking her in. Love comes in so many forms that it takes a bit of understanding and struggle to truly realize the exact nature in which it manifests in moments. The younger girl pulls away keeping their foreheads touching, "I will always love you Abby."

Abby nods against her forehead, "…And I you."

Anya smiles to herself as she feels the weight of this love wash over her. She feels purged from her own restraint to understand it. She makes sure to put this piece she found in the right place in her heart and with that she feels stronger already. Like her past lead her to this and because of it her head is above the water, she is through the fray.

Abby breathes inwardly, understanding this path and is thankful for Anya. Her mind flashes to the words her daughter told Anya and she smiles. Everything she went through, from the high school heartbreak to her husband's death, in this moment she feels elated. Clarke has grown into something stronger than she could ever be and she realizes that with out being on this path, she would have never been the woman she is today. Abby justifies herself for the sake of her daughter because that is what you do when you have someone else in your life that means more to you than itself. She squeezes Anya tighter, focusing on her growing heart to know this girl and to be the mother of a wonderful human being.

"It'll be okay Anya… You will be okay."

"I know." Anya sighs in relief, "So will you."

Abby stifles a small laugh and pulls away to look in her eyes. She smiles and leans in to give her an endearing kiss on the forehead before getting up to extend her arm.

Anya grins and reaches up with her forearm into a secure grip to be pulled up off the ground.

She gets to her feet stepping closer to the older woman and utters, "May we meet again" with irrevocable devotion. The meaning in the words transcend into a remedial farewell. It's not like they won't see each other but they both understand it is a departure from who they were. The love they shared soothes the wounds that never healed as scars begin to form.

 _Step up…_


	22. Chapter 22

**-Ch. 22 Live and Let Live**

Lexa follows Clarke back into the bar attentively. She feels overwhelming warmth filling her up haunted with an unwavering sense of suspense. After everything that has happened Clarke has become unpredictable and although that thrills her it consequently terrifies her. Her girlfriend doesn't reach out to her, doesn't say a word, she just makes sure they stay close as they make their way to the bar where they see Raven and Octavia.

Clarke orders two beers for Lexa and herself with out asking the brunette what she wanted. Lexa smiles at the fact and decides to follow her lead.

"So… how did it go?" Raven injected after moments of silence.

Clarke looks up forcing a smile, "I'm not sure…" She trails off into her drink fighting somewhat delineated from her feelings. She has so much on her mind; she doesn't know where to begin. Clarke wasn't sure what she was feeling, it seems as though friendly fire lit of the sky causing the clouds to fall into fog around her. Her friends lied to her, Lexa lied to her, her mom lied to her, Anya is hurting—hell _she_ is hurting. The family and trust she found herself so lucky to have just moments ago feels dissipated like mist. Last night was her breaking point and she knew it. It was either up or down and Clarke had chosen the sky, only to have the sky fall to the ground.

Lexa reaches out to place a light hand on her lower back. She doesn't say anything because she truly can't tell what Clarke is thinking or what she is going to do. Hearing her talk in the alleyway brought so many of her personal issues to light and she actually felt like she was healing. Like when earth met the sky she knew right then that she had found the biggest piece of herself in Clarke. She leans over, rests her head on her shoulder and sighs into the love of her life.

Clarke tilts her head feeling Lexa's hairs tickling her cheek, a smile flicks at her lips but she doesn't move. She takes another sip of her beer and looks over to Octavia.

"Can it be just the two of us tomorrow?" She whispers into her best friend's ear.

Octavia looks over to her in concern but promptly replies with a nod.

Lexa overhears her and lifts her head up off her shoulder at Clarke confiding in her friend instead of her, at Clarke wanting to be with her instead. It is a little disconcerting but she knows Clarke isn't happy with her and will take whatever happens with welcome. She is the most understanding, beautiful, thoughtful person she has ever met and will do anything to keep her close and if that means giving her space— she would start with the stars.

Raven is a little tipsy and has her head resting on her arm on the bar; her face is sideways staring at her friends.

"So I want to make a pact right here, right now…"

All eyes dart to Raven as she lifts her head up to conduct the family meeting.

"I want us to stick together no matter what happens between us, I want to always know where you are, what you are doing. We found each other and nothing should stop us from losing that. All agree?"

Before anyone could agree Anya walks up behind Lexa and Clarke, slinging her arms around their shoulder, "Aye Aye cap'n" She chimes as her sardonic humor returns to her rejuvenated demeanor. Lexa notices her eyes gleaming hopeful at the idea of a family. Anya discovered what she was looking for in Abby; she wanted to find family. She doesn't regret her time with the older woman because it brought her to a new opportunity, a new promise of hope.

Clarke turns around to catch her mom sneaking away just in time to catch her eye, Abby gives her a look that Clarke recognizes as an apology wrapped in 'I love you'. She nods toward her mother with a smile. Her mother had never looked so young to her before, her smile so tender and eyes open to the world. Despite her grief and pain she knows her mother had just as much. She's proud of her mom for being so strong all the time and decides that is where she gets it. Turning back to her beer she signals the bartender for another. He pops the top with the flick of his bar key and winks at her before setting it down. But Clarke doesn't pay attention already handing the beer to Anya.

"To family— may we all find peace when leaving the shore, find love within the next journey and if one is lost in the sky, may we meet again on the ground and let's never say goodbye." Clarke's voice rang true in all of their ears. Her voice was strong at first and only waivered slightly at the end. Lexa was sure she was thinking about her dad and wraps her arm around her waist to ground her incase she was lost in the sky.

Everyone listened to her words make beds in their heads, taking comfort in them, understanding that this was family, the family they all wanted and now had.

" _Fuck_ Griffin…" Raven lifted her drink in the air with sheen in her eye, then Octavia, Clarke, Lexa, and then Anya followed. They all look at each other once more and like it was a chorus, "To family!"

 _ **The next day**_

Her alarm shouts through her pillow screaming _'bad girls live fast, die young and do it well'_. She moans into the damp spot where her mouth found solace for a short while in the night. Her body sprawls out over the bed as she stretches her tense muscles from their slumber. She slept heavy as hell but feels like none of it stuck. Clarke often thought of sleep as a collection of energy much like dust to a light but weighed heavy. Last night was a step up however it wasn't resolution. She had to talk to her best friends and most of all she had to talk to Lexa. The thing is, Clarke doesn't feel like talking. Lexa had wanted to stay the night but Clarke needed time.

 _-"…But I—" Lexa and Clarke sit in her bedroom talking after getting home from the bar. Clarke asked to be alone and Lexa doesn't know where she stands—where they stand._

 _Clarke interrupts, "I just need time to think Lexa, we are okay, and everything is okay," she turns toward her and puts her hand on her thigh. "I don't want you to worry."_

" _Clarke, how can I not worry? The past few days weigh heavy on you and I. What if you realize that it's not worth it…that we aren't worth it?" Lexa tears up at the idea that Clarke will leave her._

 _This is exactly why Clarke needed space. She needed to think about what happened last night, the day before, and about her whole life. This has been one of the most intense weeks of her life and this was about her, not Lexa. Even though Lexa is a part of her, she has found a large piece of herself that she needs to settle before coming back to her other half._

" _Lexa please… I just need some time. You have practice tomorrow morning and I have class. I love you and that won't change." Clarke sits still knowing if she gets closer she won't be able to keep her resolve, she wouldn't be able to ask for the time she know she needs. It was easy to hide in the comfort of Lexa and She is tired of hiding from herself._

" _Fine." Lexa stands up and starts heading toward the door when Clarke gets up and grabs her by the wrist._

 _"Lexa, don't be like this…" Clarke pulls her into her, Lexa's back against her chest wrapping her arms around her waist, "I won't leave you. Just trust me that I love you and that we are okay."_

 _The brunette slumps back into the blonde wanting to believe in her words whole-heartedly but she doesn't know what to expect. It's been an unpredictable week._

" _I love you Clarke." She squeezes her arm that holds her there, opens the door and steps out of her girlfriend's embrace; walking out despite everything inside of her telling her not to. -_

Clarke walks through campus wondering when she started to worry this much, about life, her future, about everything instead of being in the moment. Lately the moments have been anything but light and as free as they used to be. When did that happen?

Clarke leaves her phone at home, at first she forgot it remembering she left it under her pillow as soon as she walked out of the door, then she decided to keep on walking and just be with herself for the day. She felt fine, strong even but she didn't want anyone else's influence resting on her shoulders, just for one day. Because she wonders how much of her is really her…take away the expectations, take away considerations, and take away the ideas that are projected upon her and what is left? Clarke understands now, somewhere between then and yesterday her eyes opened giving her a heightened self-awareness—a paradigm shift. Ever since she can remember she has done what was expected of her and that was okay. It fulfilled her to make her parents proud, it excited her to please her friends and it elevated her to be put on a pedestal that was built from their hopes and dreams. It all went by so fast that she never stopped to think if it's what she wants or where she wants to be. Up until recently it sustained her. But last night she realized that she was no longer suspended in the sky and came crashing to the ground— Grounded inside herself more than ever. She doesn't feel the need to fight pain instead she feels herself welcoming it, understanding what it is and just feeling it. She thinks to herself how wonderful it is to feel anything at all and to be part of a world where such pain can be paralleled with such love.

She left the hut hours before her first class. The campus has yet to fill; this was her favorite way to see North Den-U, not yet overridden by demands to grant dreams.

Clarke thought about her dreams, what they were, how she was going to achieve them. She thought about her decision to pursue art in medicine and if that was because of the influence of her mother or if it was the best of what she loved about both worlds. 

_Elliphant- Down on Life_

It's a cool morning; the sun barely says its hello on the horizon while the trees spring hope out from the tips of their arms reaching for its grace. She ends up walking to the anchoring tree in the middle of campus that perches on a large grassy knoll. The grass around it always stayed green, she isn't sure if the U dyed it green or if it was because it often embraced the energy from thousands of sanguine souls, Clarke being one of them.

She walks up to where her and O often reside, lies down on her back and pulls her headphones out of her pocket to listen to some music. Her playlists reminded her of the moments they were created for. Music to her was like art, it painted a picture; it made a moment into something that could touch infinity. She wanted to make a new playlist for this week—the most pivotal week of her life. Scanning through her I-tunes, which held insurmountable amount of songs thanks to Monty, she chose her first song.

She drops her hands to rest on her stomach; gold waves halo her face as the ocean meets the sky. She looks at the clouds passing by her imagining each as a shadow of her past. They float away one by one leaving her metaphorically lighter, less shaded from the demons she held dear, used to thinking that she deserved their company.  
 _Not anymore…_  
The gravity of the ground hugs against her as she tethers her demons to the clouds. She feels weightless and for once at peace with herself—wide-awake.

Her arms fall to her sides hitting the cool grass tickling her elbows. It feels refreshing against her skin. She thinks of Lexa having the opposite effect—heating her in resilience, Clarke used it to counter the cold that she felt inside realizing she relished Lexa in all the wrong ways. The grass bends beneath her palms as she runs her fingers through the blades. Lexa was intoxicating and like alcohol she drank until she forgot, she imbibed herself in the love Lexa gave her and twisted it to serve as her absolution. It was temporary because as soon as Lexa left her side she would fall back into her secret darkness.

Clarke turns her head putting her face to face with a dandelion. She doesn't want to use Lexa up in that way; she doesn't like the feeling she gets when she thinks about how she turned their love into some sort of vindication from her pain.  
 _Let go._  
She tells herself to let go of the pain—let go of the burden of guilt—let go of fault. This was her life and she wants to live it in the right way. In this moment a tear falls landing in the plateau of her nose, pooling with out spilling over. Clarke always liked the feeling of her tears sitting there, not falling quite yet, suspended in their purpose. She stares at the dandelion observing the individual seeds that always reminded her of nature's umbrellas. Imagining that each of those seeds will detach from it's home, land somewhere completely foreign to it and grow it's own home strikes a parallel within her. She smiles at the thought before she exhales a gust through her lips toward the umbrellas. Her head turns in her attempt to release them all from root letting her tears fall from their perch as she watches their feathered bloom catch the current of the wind away into the wild.

Clarke turns her head back to the sky now clear of clouds. From the time she turned to now the sky has cleared. She's been floating with the current for far too long avoiding the landing that was inevitable. But now she knows, nay she _understands_ that her home is inside her. That no matter where she goes, no matter who is in her life that she holds the power to this home—she controls who she wants residing there.  
She knows she wants Lexa, the love of her life, the patient kind-hearted, rough exterior yet soft, her Lexa.  
She knows she wants Octavia, her rock—the weight that has kept her from disappearing into the atmosphere, her best friend.  
She knows she wants Raven, her compass and beacon in life, the catalyst in discovering her identity, her first. Clarke knows Raven often feels expendable and she makes sure to remind herself to talk about that when she sits her down.  
And then she thinks about Anya. She needs a home and a family, which Clarke knows she has to offer. She is important to Lexa and after last night she realizes that they were everything to one another. They were each other's best friend, compass and rock. Clarke feels warmth spreading from within her body, filling her up with energy and epiphany like elation. She feels happy.

She loves her life how it is even with all its struggle, pain and problems. Because it teaches her compassion, voluntarily taking on the suffering in order for others to be free of it. She likes to feel the pain on behalf of those she loves as to share their suffering. She asks herself what is the purpose of her life and the only answer that fulfills her is to be of benefit to those around her. She always felt the need to be everything to everyone but it went with out understanding her own psyche, mind and soul.  
Now it feels different.  
Now she feels like she can take her selfishness away from it, take the gratification of helping others away and truly do it out of happiness and wisdom. Their pain is her pain. Developing compassion is more important than the material things in life; it is what guarantees a happy and peaceful mind.

 _Grimes- Kill V. Maim_

Clarke lets this new feeling wash over her swaying to the song giving her something to shake her body to. She hasn't danced in a while and has been fighting against everything for so long. She wants to shed the old to make room for the new, she doesn't care who is around and she starts to dance to the all-consuming beat. She doesn't want to behave; her hands rise into the air as she shakes her hips—eyes closed. Fists pump in the air while her hair gets thrown from side to side.

Clarke sings, _"Cause I'm only a man… and I do what I can"_ She jumps up and down spinning herself around the statue.

" _B.E.H.A.V.E. B.E. aggressive!"_

She dances around the knoll as she sings at the top of her lungs. The smile on her face is an indication of happiness. The kind of happiness that doesn't come from anyone else other than her and this only spreads her smile wider at the heightened level of consciousness. Every pump of her fist pokes holes in her doubt, every flip of her hair sheds fear, and every yell from her lungs liberates her love.

" _Eh, I won't behave, I won't behave, I wont behave!"_

She will no longer adhere to an idea of who she should be or how she should act. There aren't categories, titles, or molds that fit a single individual. It is complex and dynamic, if she doesn't change and adapt she will be lost, pulled under the current.

 _I wont behave._

Clarke found herself in the last few days, found the pieces in the friends turned family around her and now she is putting those pieces together. No longer letting them poke holes in her existence, no longer holding it all in to let it spill out for all to see.  
It is time to live and let live.

Lexa wakes up on Anya's couch thirty minutes before her alarm, she didn't want to go back to her apartment last night. She wanted to make sure Anya was okay and so it fulfilled a multiple purpose to come here instead. They have practice in an hour so she gets up and starts making them coffee remembering their conversation about Clarke.

 _Lexa walks in and slams the door shut to Anya's apartment disturbing her sister in her nightly work out._

" _What's the matter Lex?" Anya asks finishing her third set of pushups._

 _The younger sister takes a deep breath letting it exhale out of her nose, "She didn't want me to stay."  
Lexa was frustrated because she wanted to be there for Clarke but also understood why she would be upset. She hadn't even thought twice about Harper kissing her until tonight. It wasn't her fault, she didn't want it but she did put herself in the situation. That shouldn't have ever happened, but it did.  
Lexa starts to think about everything that happened after that night sliding down the door her knees against her chest. Lexa had given Clarke a hard time for kissing Bellamy when she didn't even want it leaving her vulnerable and weak. She realizes that she did the same thing she blamed Clarke for and maybe she reacted unfairly. Harper had kissed her mere moments before Bellamy kissed Clarke.  
She thinks to herself: maybe Clarke remembers how much I hurt her for it and then to find out that I'm a hypocrite on the same night she discovers my own sister is dating her mom behind her back…no wonder she doesn't want to see me. I'm ruining her life._

 _Lexa grunts into her hands smashing her face into her palms then slides into a clamped prayer with her lips in between, "I'm poison."_

 _Anya stops her pushups lifting off of her palms onto her butt, and rests her arms on her knees. "Shut up Lexa. This is not all on you. You always try to take the blame of the world." Anya gets up and walks over to sit next to her, "I'm sorry that I made this harder for you. But I don't regret it. Do you regret anything that you've done with Clarke?"_

 _Lexa looks to her and shakes her head._

" _Then shut up and give her space. She is a strong person Lexa and to be honest, people always surround her. She is the kind of person that people gravitate towards which I am sure gets exhausting. You know how we keep people at arms length and it took us years to let anyone close enough to hurt us?"_

 _Lexa nods._

 _"Well Clarke is the opposite. She opens her heart freely for everyone and I can't imagine how hard that is to accommodate. I think she is too open sometimes and it hurts her. I think she is hurting now and needs this time to heal herself. I don't think she will ever stop caring for everyone despite their faults but I hope she starts taking better care of herself. Don't worry sis, if she loves you she will come back to you."_

 _Anya slings an arm over Lexa's shoulders and squeezes, "Just be patient."_

 _Lexa leans her head to rest on Anya's shoulder taking in the comfort of the only mother figure in her life. It was a mixture of things to Lexa because she also felt like the mother figure in Anya's life—until now. She hadn't realized how jealous she was of her and Abby's relationship. She thinks back to their fight in the alley and how broken Anya looked. She thought she was about to lose a lover and a mother all at once and Lexa can't imagine how that must have torn at her._

 _She nuzzles further in to Anya's shoulder, "Are you going to be okay?"_

 _Anya squeezes her sister in, "We will be."_

Lexa is leaning against the counter letting the steam of coffee tickle her nose, her eyes are unfocused and her hair is a mess. Anya emerges from the back of the apartment stretching her arms around her head, "Morning…"

The younger sister just nods refocusing her eyes on her coffee and takes the first sip. It washes her un-brushed teeth feeling away, hugging her throat as it takes the edge of sleep down with it. 

"Can I borrow some clothes for the day?" Lexa asks her sister as she is getting her own cup of coffee.

"Sure, just bring them back washed and folded," She says into a yawn walking back to her room with Lexa in tow.

Anya and Lexa are the same size so borrowing clothes was normal but ever since they moved into their own places, possessions were of great value. It was the sister's first time to have their own things separate from one another.

Lexa chose simple jeans that fit her snug and an ACDC grey t-shirt.

"You almost look better than me in those…" Anya chimed as she threw practice gear on the bed for her.

Lexa looks at her with a small smile.

"I said almost Lexa, don't let it go to your head." She jokes.

 __They share a soft giggle before packing up and heading out toward Anya's truck deciding to carpool to campus. Lexa unlocks her car, grabs her bug out bag and backpack and throws them into the bed.  
On the way to school, she rolls down the window inviting the cool morning breeze into the musty cab. They ride in silence not feeling the need to fill it.

The sun was just above the horizon allowing the streetlights to rest for the day. It felt different today, Lexa leans against the windowsill trying to feel for why it does. It wasn't a bad feeling but it wasn't an evident good feeling either. She notices that she isn't nervous; she isn't worried, nor is she sad. She could say it was complacency but that seems too insufficient to describe the buzz underneath it all.

Lexa took her phone out of pocket to check for any messages finding none. She wasn't expecting any this early but she can't help but wonder what Clarke is doing and what she is thinking. Mowing over what Anya said last night she decides to give Clarke her space and try not to reach out until she is ready to come to her, sliding her phone back into her pocket.

 _Oddisee- After Thoughts_

It's Monday at North Den U the students are sluggishly filling the sidewalks and class rooms. Octavia wakes up next to a sleeping Raven, she caresses her cheek before heading to the bathroom. She is little excited for the day because her first class is Cognitive Psychology and she finds out if she gets chosen for professor Lincoln's research team. It would not only help her résumé but it would give her a chance to really help people; people that share the same past. Despite the rumors that surround the professor, he has written many books and is well known for his juxtaposition of art in psychology.

She gets ready silently trying her best to not wake Raven; the weather said it would be chilly today so she opts for jeans, a long sleeve Henley, and a vest. Sitting at her vanity, she searches her jewelry box for her tiered necklace set. As she was searching she found Raven's bracelet she made her out of metal. It's thin and shiny, having been buffered to sheen and in the middle of it lay two stones. Raven said that they represented their friendship because no matter how much pressure the earth puts on them, they will always be solid—like these stones. Octavia held it in her hands running her thumb over the brown stone then the green one; it is a well-made bracelet, one of her first attempts at jewelry. She turns her head to look at her best friend in her bed and thinks to herself how beautiful she is. Octavia swivels back to look at herself in the mirror wondering if Raven sees her in the same way. Raven makes her feel special. With a smile she slides the bracelet onto her wrist and proceeds to finish getting ready feeling beautiful.

Raven doesn't have class until one and it's half passed eight in the morning. Before Octavia starts her trek to campus, she sits next to her best friend to tell her she is leaving.

"Ray…" She says putting her hand on Raven's shoulder.

Brown eyes blink peering through a sliver skin window; she hums putting her hand on Octavia's lower back as she scoots further into her.

"I'm going to class now. It's about 8:30, is your alarm set for anything you have to do?" Her thumb rubs her soft skin.

Raven nods her eyes shut smiling at Octavia's caring voice.

"Okay, have a good day. Now go back to sleep." She leans in giving a light kiss on her cheek. She gets up but she feels a grip on her vest preventing her from moving any further.

"What is it Ray?" She sits back down.

Raven turns her head with out opening her eyes and scrunches her lips. Octavia exhales a tiny laugh through her nose at the pure adorableness of her best friend.

"What do you want?" she asks playfully, clearly understanding what it is she wants.

With her eyes still closed Raven pouts turning her eyebrows downward and whines like a tired lamb. She wiggles her puckered lips drawing Octavia's eyes to her cute plea.

"Oh you want a kiss?" She coos.

Raven nods her head still puckering her lips.

Octavia smiles and lowers her lips landing a small kiss on her jaw, "right here?" she asks lifting her head to see Raven's reaction.

She shakes her head.

She lowers her head and kisses another on her neck, "here?"

She shakes her head again but this time a small smile lifts the corner of her lips.

Octavia chuckles lowering to kiss her on her eyelid, "how about here?" She moves to kiss the other eyelid, kissing them both softly.

Raven hums at her gentle behavior both of her hands move to rest on her lower back, holding her close. She shakes her head again sticking out her lips waiting for her to kiss them.

Octavia looks at her in admiration for a moment before she relents lowering her head pushing a tender kiss onto Raven's mouth. She takes her bottom lip in licking it to welcome the pinch between her own lips; slowly she draws the kiss out, "there" she whispers against her lips. She is rewarded with a wide smile from the girl beneath her. This makes her smile in return. _How gorgeous…_ Octavia hovers over her face for a moment longer when Raven suddenly lifts from her pillow and steals a peck before falling back into dead weight.

Octavia laughs, taps her on the nose with her finger, gets up, grabs her backpack off the floor, and walks out the door with peps all up in her steps.

She gets to her class with time to spare when she realizes that she didn't hear or see Clarke this morning. Reaching into her bag she retrieves her phone and sends her a text.

 **8:48am- Clarke Barke**

 _Octavia: Didn't see you this morning, Where you at lady?_

 _Octavia: Let me know if you want to grab lunch before our night classes!_

She adds a whole bunch of emojis with her messages and sets her phone on her desk to wait for her reply. Lincoln walks into the classroom with his manly suitcase that matches his shoes. He isn't wearing his glasses today but his suit is dapper per usual. Octavia watches him intently mindlessly twisting her bracelet around her wrist. She wrote her five-page summary of her research topic and turned it in during the first week of school. Starting it early allowed her to refine her idea and add secondary research within to support some of her claims. She offered a few primary research ideas in her essay if she were to be on the team. The opportunity that came with working with him was too large to pass up.

"I have read and critiqued your essays over the past week and I have to say I am a little disappointed in a few of you. In this course we study the mind, how it functions, why we do the things we do. What you learn, what you retain, what you devote your attention to and how you view the world… and it all comes from somewhere. Some of you focused on your childhood, which is a huge factor in personal decision-making and perception but I want you to think beyond that. Environment, geology, genealogy, and even relationships shape us. Some of you talked about behavioral sciences, economics of culture, and brain mapping. It was interesting to see how little of you think beyond the obvious. It's easy to write a thesis on something you know, something that hits close to home but use that to extend beyond yourself."

Octavia can't help but squirm in her seat at his words; she hopes she doesn't fall under that obvious category. At first her research was based on abuse but she did think beyond that. She wanted to learn about her parents, why they did the things they did and how it transcended into the world let alone through her and Bellamy. Like what does that mean in the ripple of society? She thinks to herself as he continues.

Lincoln paces around the front of the auditorium like classroom diving into the lesson of the day, "Metacognition… did you all finish the reading?"

He looks around the classroom to see only a few heads nod; he looks down at his seating chart and calls on a student, "Octavia Blake."

Octavia straightens up, swallows and raises her hand so he knows that she is present.

He is pleased that he happened to choose her out of all his students however he didn't show it through his stoic expression, "Tell me, who labeled metacognition as knowledge about cognition and control of cognition?"

 _Shit, did I read that chapter?_ Octavia looks around her and alleyes are on her. She crosses her legs and grabs the end of her desk to hold her step tight.

"Um..Flavell?"

He gives her a nod, "Okay, and what did Flavell focus on?"

 _Uhh god, there are hundreds of students in here. I answered your first question…_

"He conducted extensive research on the child's theory of mind. The most famous contribution his research made was of a child's distinction between appearance and reality..."

Lincoln steps up the isle as she speaks. He looks at her fully interested in her words like he is learning something profound from the sound radiating from her lips.

"…His research suggested that children acquire the notion of mental representation of reality as distinct from reality itself." She takes a deep breath hoping he wouldn't make her continue.

Lincoln is standing right beside her looking into her eyes for a fraction longer than he should, "Yes…" He says tearing his gaze from her to address the class. "The appearance-reality paradigm. You see he found that where most three year olds fail to recognize that an object is one thing appearing to be another kind of thing four and five year olds could tell the difference. Think beyond his research of a particular object for a second and think about who are you as you perceive versus reality? Are you aware of your perception and introspection of yourself? Can you be one thing and appear to be something else? Absolutely. I believe we are all guilty of this duality. Who are we and how can we be anything but ourselves?" He makes his way back down to the front of the classroom.

Professor Lincoln turns to write on the board as he continues his thoughts. Octavia relaxes into her seat again, completely struck by his intellect and intensity. She is wrapped up into his lecture thinking about herself and the fractured mirror in her room. How does she view herself compared to how she is in reality, is that shaped by how others perceive her? Can it ever be just her standing in a room as she is, can anyone ever see her with out their own perception getting in the way of the reality of her being? Can she ever see herself differently?

She shakes her head breaking from the tangle web she made in her mind and checks her phone.

No messages.

The class continues in this fashion, him proposing questions and the class responding as a whole. Some raise their hand while others just blurt out questions and theories as he engages with the class. It was intriguing to see him so involved with the students. The end of the class was approaching and he winds down the current discussion to announce the few that get to work on the research team.

"Alright, great class today. These are the kinds of questions I want you all to think about, it's exciting when you can apply it to your own past but also think about the future in how it can be effect society as a whole. Do something that hasn't been heard of studied a thousand times. I will post your results online on Red Board. If you have any questions email me on there and I will get back to you as soon as I can." He walks back behind his desk and pulls out a piece of paper with the names of students that he has chosen.

"I will read out these names that made it on the team, for those names I do not call you are welcome to leave but know that this does not make your research less important. Everything you all do is important to step into new territory; all thoughts are valuable. I just need a certain collection of minds to achieve what I am looking for in my study. So with that being said, will Nathan Miller, Niylah Dasher, Ontari Kwen, Octavia Blake, and Nyko Healer stay to discuss terms and schedule."

 _Fuck my hell yes!_ Octavia is nearly bouncing out of her seat she is so excited! Something she worked so hard for finally pays off exactly how she wanted it to. Once she heard her name called, she automatically wanted to call Clarke to tell her the news but she texts her instead due to the loud bustle of students exiting the classroom muttering their disdain. _Haha, bitches!_

 **10:20am- Clarke Barke**

 **** _Octavia: I GOT CHOSEN FOR THE RESEARCH TEAM!_

 _Octavia: We have to celebrate tonight, don't tell Raven. I want it to be a surprise._

 _-_

But truthfully she didn't want Raven to know because of how weird she acted after their discussion about Lincoln's reputation. When Octavia expressed her hopes to be chosen for the research team Raven was less than enthused. Octavia blew it off but she remembers how closed off she was at the thought of her spending time with 'GQ Lincoln'. A part of Octavia knew she was worried, especially because of how much Octavia drooled over him the first week of school. But she assured her it was just appreciation for a well put together man and that the rumors were most likely false. He was a professor and his research was revered. She argued that it would be highly beneficial and that she wants to do everything she can to advance in her field. She wants to succeed, not only succeed for herself but also to prove to the world that she isn't broken, that no matter how she was raised she _can_ be someone. She wasn't going to let anyone stand in her way of that, not even Raven.

-

 **10:40am**

Clarke, sans phone, is in her Illustration Anatomy class focusing intently on the drawing in front of her. They are working on the musculature of feet today. Learning about what muscles are what, where the muscles lay and how they form under the skin. By the end of class she will have to turn in sketches of the foot with out skin and one with skin, labels and all. She focuses on using all her reds and purples in the muscles, giving excruciating detail to the study. She stares at the still feet on paper, facing the fact that she was so used to running. Now staring at the very things that helped her in her foils, she stuck her tongue from the corner of her mouth challenging them to run from under her pencil. They wouldn't dare because she won't let them. She is at the finish line breathing heavy from the run, happy that it's over and proud that she overcame it. Clarke wants to be better; she wants to learn as much as she can from herself and the world around her. She wants to stand still long enough to absorb the things that only the quiet would notice. Only to move on when she found something tragically beautiful hidden in the shadows. She will share the light. With this different feeling she finds a peace so calm that she can finally look around her in a heightened state of consciousness. Standing in the middle of a calm chaos, she holds zero expectations. She feels truly happy in her skin and for the first time she isn't afraid of her past; for the first time she looks forward to the future with her friends—her family—Lexa.


	23. Chapter 23

**-Ch. 23 A lie never lays where it lies**

 **12:05pm**

 _Lexa—_

 _"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT CLARKE! You kiss me one minute and then HIM the next?!"_

" _Why didn't you stop him?"  
_

—That night invades her newly discovered peace; the memory percolates her resolve. Yes—Clarke feels renewed but she is still human; she is still hurt. She thinks back at the overwhelming guilt and disdain she felt within herself. She hated that she questioned whether she let it happen or if she wanted Bellamy to kiss her because Lexa dissected something she knew she didn't want, making it more than what it was. Actually she turned it into something about her when for once it wasn't. She was so distraught in how it made Lexa feel she ignored how the event of it all made _her_ feel. One of her friends was forcing himself onto her. She didn't want to be close but he pulled her in; she didn't want to kiss him but he did it anyway. It was uncomfortable and Lexa made her question if she had wanted it when she knew that she absolutely did not.

It bothered her that Lexa expressed her doubt, blamed her even, for letting the kiss happen. And here, all this time, Lexa kissed Harper while she blamed herself for something she shouldn't have. The anger in her swells and dissipates in uneven rhythms; swells when she thought of Lexa's lips touching Harpers, dissipates when she knew the difference between a wanted kiss and an unwanted one. Explaining herself to Lexa that night on the concrete was exhausting and it allowed her to hide from the events that had taken place. The anger in her swells again as she remembers the feeling of brick against her back with hope in her lungs only then having that hope tugged out of her in Lexa's barbed attempt to protect herself. It was punitive. They say that love is the answer to every problem but it can also ruin everything. That was the first crack in the beam. She would have patched it up if this week weren't so succinctly damaging. She is glad that it was though; it needed to happen. Clarke knew it would have happened sooner or later.

Her illustration class just let out and her Surgical Illustration didn't start until 4pm. She chooses to walk around campus aimlessly, headphones in as she thinks about the warring within her. Logic tells her the past has no room in the present. Everything can be scrutinized but what it comes down to is that 'it is what it is' and the only thing one can do is what they can do. Emotion tells her that it was highly hypocritical; that the guilt she felt under the painful gaze of green was unfair and unjustified. She had lied to her by omission, which is the same as lying in her book. It's the simple thought of that whole night collapsing under weak limbs from misunderstandings and unwanted lips… and there, in the middle of it all, lay a lie—a lie so small that it didn't matter at all.

And yet it did—it mattered a great deal.

The warring sides of ethos and logos clash and clang against each other, battle crying 'they did it to protect you! 'They did it to protect Lexa _and_ you!' Clarke clenches her fist at the thought, exhaling the mess hall stench from her nostrils. She didn't need protecting; she needs the truth and she needs trust. It seems so small to challenge what they accomplished in a week. But then again, if a structure were built on a broken beam, integrity comprised by a hairline fracture, all the steal and concrete built upon it would be compromised too. The whole structure trusted itself to that unsuspecting beam below and when that beam gives out, does the structure fall evenly? Does it ignore that it ever existed and stand tall like nothing happened? It's not that Clarke didn't trust Lexa now or that she didn't love her. It's that she couldn't help but feel like a rug has been slipped from under her and what lied beneath wasn't even a floor at all.

The thoughts that lifted her so high into brilliance earlier in the day were just that—thoughts. And turning thoughts into action is hard, especially for someone who is so emotionally driven. It grew harder as the hours piled into the less hopeful part of time. The past grew larger while her future grew smaller. The amount of time ahead seems significantly smaller than the time behind her. She is dwelling in the past, thinking about Harper in her home, at Polis, and where her lips have been.

If only it were that easy to take a revelation and make it into reality. If only she can say 'I'm over it' and truly be over it all. But yet again she is human and burdened with the human condition.

She tucks her thumbs under the straps of her backpack lifting it snug against her stepping each step harder than the next, daring the cobble to slip from under her feet.

 _Am I the same person I was yesterday? Am I still the same person I was this morning?_

Her thoughts flicker to Octavia and she wants nothing more than to talk to her now, thankful that they made plans to be alone tonight to do just that. Maybe her psychology expertise can help her see passed it all.

 _Flume- Say It (Ft. Tove Lo)_

Octavia sits in her principles of learning class thinking about the team with Lincoln—Professor Lincoln. They decided that meeting on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4-8 worked for everyone's schedule. Professor Lincoln informed them they would be participating in a study as well as aiding participants in that study to collect data. Details would come later but she couldn't help feel a great importance in what they going to do. The team seems promising and full of different focuses, which he mentioned he needed.

The only thing that bothers her about the team is Niylah. Octavia remembers her distinctly flirting with Raven in her class. She decided then that she did not like her and now that she sees her in a new environment, surrounded by her element, she still did not like her. Maybe she wouldn't have to interact with her much despite what Lincoln said about working close with your teammates to achieve a better perspective. She didn't need to work close with her to know that she is a manipulative fucking bi—

 _ **Bzzz**_

Her phone vibrates on her desk causing a harsh reverb through the silent classroom. She quickly grabs her phone and lowers her head behind the laptop she rented. They were supposed to be researching and writing down something but Octavia was too distracted to care. Swiping her phone she hopes that it's Clarke and only the tiniest bit bummed that it's Raven instead.

 **12:10pm**

 _RayBay: SO I have this purple mark on my neck that I didn't notice until now!_

RayBay: I love it, thank you. Can I get another one on your break to have a matching set? ;)

Octavia laughed almost out loud and blushed at the thought. It was nice to have this to look forward to. She really enjoyed being this close; it wasn't going as slow as she thought it would when Raven suggested it. But she can't find anything wrong with what's naturally developing. Class gets out at 12:30 and Raven doesn't have to teach until 4, so that gives them three hours to do whatever.

 **12:12pm-RayBay**

 _O-face: We can't let you walk around campus lopsided now can we?_

 _O-face: I mean we only have a three hour break, I'm not sure that is enough time…_

RayBay: I'll have you know that I work well under pressure

RayBay: Under your pressure

O-face: Wow

O-face: Are you calling me fat?

 _RayBay: Only if fat means incredibly sexy, weightless, perfect, gorgeous person then yes, you are so fucking fat…_

O-face: Aw, that is weirdly sweet of you.

RayBay: Hurry and be done with class fatty

O-face: I can't wait to shut you up

RayBay: Fuck

RayBay: I mean, cool. See you soon.

Raven is sitting in the living room of the Hut and can't stop thinking about last night. After they left the bar Raven and Octavia were more than lubricated. Mix that with the unity spell they were all under, the night could only end one way.

 _They bust through the doors of the Houston Hut and ran into Octavia's room leaving Lexa and Clarke to brood in silence. The ride from Polis was anything but joyous. The crickets were elated to find such a silent stage to chirp upon. Raven attempted to quale the awkward tone but was met with side smiles and one lined responses. Octavia didn't notice, for her hands were far too busy trying to find warmth in the familiar place between Raven's legs. So it wasn't a surprise when the car slowed to a stop, they jumped out and ran inside._

" _Ahh" Raven's eyes snap wide open at the feeling of Octavia's teeth latching to her neck. The door wasn't even closed to her bedroom and she was already half naked._

" _O, slow down" Raven moans, not really meaning what she was saying. She wants to make sure Octavia is in her right mind even though she is drunk herself._

 _Octavia responds by pushing her down into the bed to pull Raven's pants off. It was aggressive and Raven wonders if it was going to be like that first night. She hopes._

Next thing that comes off are Octavia's pants, underwear, shirt, and bra. She doesn't waste time on showing off as each item is flung across the room. Raven lays on her back with her elbows propping her up to watch the fire in the wild girl grow. She bites her bottom lip loving how turned on she gets by this. The look in O's eyes is dark, wanting and unabashed. The look Raven was too afraid to see the first time and now it's everything she want's to see.

" _Take those off and scoot up on the bed" Octavia demands, her voice low and focused._

 _Raven blinks once before complying, moaning softly in her throat. She slides her hands down her hips and very slowly slips her thumbs under the band to take them off, intending to fuel the fire. This does not please Octavia, she wants full obedience and in this moment of defiance causes her to take over and rip them away with impatience. Raven smiles knowing her actions are stoking, so she moves to undo her bra next but equally as slow. The wild girl looms over her with heavy breaths, eyes darkening by the second. Raven always pushes Octavia, always challenging her in all aspects and right here is where it all lead to. With out knowing it, this is what she wanted every time she teased the girl, flirted with her and wrestled with her. It was a build up to this moment for her to take and use against her paying her back in kind. Raven lifts her back off the bed to better reach her bra but she is quickly interrupted by force— flipped over and pinned down. Octavia slaps her ass and sits on the red mark to allay the pain, rubbing her wetness up and down on purpose before finishing the job for her, unclasping the bra. She pulls it from underneath but doesn't let her move._

 _"You like going slow huh?" O whispers in defiance, her body now pushed flush against Raven's back as she speaks. "You are always so bad, you know that?"_

 _Raven's head is turned, palms lay flat on the bed and her breath is heavy. She lifts her hips to rut into the slow rub that Octavia is torturing against her. This is the only time Raven relinquishes control—with her—in this room. It wasn't something she craved but when it happened, she wanted it desperately; she wanted Octavia to have her, she wanted to be hers to ravish._

 _Octavia stops her ministration when she feels Raven buck, she hovers her mouth over her neck and whispers, "bad girl" then bites down hard and at the same time she reaches down to slap under her ass over her wet core. The pinned girl gasps into a whine as her muscles tighten with anticipation._

 _The wild girl begins again rutting from behind against her ass. Just imagining her behind her doing this gets Raven to clench her core repeatedly while fireflies burst in her belly. She moans turning her face into the mattress, there is nothing more she wants then to flip over and take control but she grips the sheets and takes it. "Can I spank you?" She hears Octavia ask in her ear. Oh my fucking Christ… Raven clenches. She is so turned on by the sound of her voice and what she is asking. She has already spanked her but Raven assumes she needs permission to do more. "Mm Yeah" she responds with a deepness in her voice._

 _-  
_

"Fuck!" Raven stops herself from thinking too far into it before she can't stop herself from playing along. Octavia is the sexiest person she has ever met or had the pleasure of having sex with and Raven has had her fair share of suitors. It was unreal the amount of comfort they have in each other to try new things. It is becoming Raven's favorite thing to do, exploring limits and discovering themselves with each other. Octavia should be back soon so she turns on the T.V. to distract herself. _Fuck._

Most of all she doesn't want to think about her post orgasm confession. She wanted to say it then but with the clarity of day now she wishes she hadn't. O didn't say it back and this made her question things. Even though she felt it in her actions, in every touch and kiss she gave her, it's so many things can get lost in expression, lines can be blurred and if desire muddies that water then the meaning can be misconstrued. And oh how the lines have burred…Raven is guilty of letting her desires drive her; that's how she met Clarke. Her brain is on overdrive today; it wont let her relax even for a minute before throwing some ludicrous memory to the forefront of her mind.

 _Kaasi- Those Days  
_

 _It's the weekend before school starts and Raven was not looking forward to another year in high school hell. She lives with her aunt in Denver during the school year since her parent's travel so much. It isn't bad, they leave her alone but they aren't close either. But there is one person who makes it all worth it, she was the only reason she dressed slower in the mornings making sure she looked the best she could and the only reason she ever got excited about going to school. Raven met Octavia in fifth period gym class freshman year, it was volleyball day and coach Jennings was being especially uptight. They bonded over poking fun at their coach while volleying the ball across the net. They laughed until they almost peed their pants making the coach separate the girls so they wouldn't interrupt playing time for the others. Since that day they were best of friends, so inseparable not even coach Jennings could keep them apart. But this particular weekend tested that bond; it almost tore them apart._

 _The coming back to school party was always held at Octavia's friends house, she was a rich girl that went to Denver West while Octavia and Raven attended Denver East. Her mother was never home around this time and her dad traveled frequently testing out his engineered models across Europe. Her mom is a surgeon who travels for conferences and what not, Raven didn't really care. She just wanted to get drunk. Her feelings were out of control and she didn't know what to do with them. She couldn't talk to Octavia because she was the cause of them. She knew Octavia was straight and it didn't help that she would ask Raven how she looked every time she had a date. It didn't help that Octavia changed in front of her with out a care in the world, letting it all out. It didn't help that Octavia was so wild and free with her body. So this party was going to help her get over all of that, she was going to find a distraction. She was going to get drunk._

 _Octavia of course had come over before the party, changed a few times in front of her, asked her how she looked and helped Raven get ready too. It didn't help that Octavia said she was hot and could get any guy she wanted at the party. Raven wasn't out yet or really sure if she was completely gay. She just knew girls were more attractive than boys._

 _They arrive at the Griffin girls' house an hour after ten._

 _"I can't wait for you to meet my best friend Raven, she is so fun! You never want to go these parties with me because you're always stuck in your room building something." Octavia laughs looping her arm around Raven's._

Raven shrugs, "I'm here now aren't I? And besides, I want to get into North Den-U so working on my machines is going to get me there. Can't help my genius mind enjoys things other than drinking and parties." She says sarcastically.

They walk up to the door and open it with out knocking. Octavia slips her arm out from her and runs inside, "Sophia! Omg tell me he is here!"

"So much for sticking together" Raven mumbles under her breath. The house was packed and a little hot because of how many people were jumping around and playing odds and end drinking games. She needed a drink and fast, so she walks by Octavia who is enraptured in conversation about some boy that she likes. Raven rolls her eyes and heads toward the kitchen. Jackpot! She sees liquor bottles lining the counter tops, a keg in the corner, and beer in the fridge. Opting for the 'get drunk quick' route, she grabs the 1800 tequila and takes a few huge gulps from the bottle.

" _Woah, slow down there. Save some for the rest of us." She hears a raspy voice._

Raven winces at the burn and when she opens her eyes she sees azure rays staring back at her. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before extending the bottle to the blonde. Wow, was she gorgeous.

"Uh, sorry. Want some?" Raven smiles looking her up and down shamelessly.

The other girl grins watching her check her out. She takes a swig from the bottle, "Do you like what you see?" she jests.

Raven steps forward into the blonde's space grabs the bottle from her and takes a generous swallow, "So far so good" she retorts confidently.

The blonde takes her turn to her look up and down before stepping closer where she can smell the tequila from the brunette's breath. She gets so close that their noses touch. Raven stands perfectly still, taken aback from the bold behavior of this blonde. Just as she thought they were going to kiss, the blonde takes the tequila bottle from her and walks away with a grin, "Let's see just how far your good can come" And before Raven can muster a sound or a movement, the girl was gone into the crowd.

"Well damn…" She whispers to herself. The burn of the tequila and her desire radiates over her skin. Either the temperature in the room was rising or it was just her. She decides to go for a cold beer to calm herself down and grabs a Heineken from the fridge. She makes her way into the living room where beer pong is set up, couples on the couch making out and someone playing guitar in the corner surrounded by admirers. Guitars were always a hit at a party, if you knew how to play chances are you were going to get laid. Raven shakes her head at the guitar guy serenading the girls on the floor. She walks around into another room, sipping her beer to find a peace circle. In this peace circle there was a bong and a few joints being passed around. It was like a party in Zoolander there were so many rooms with different activities going on. She walks by that particular room and wonders if she will find an orgy in the next room. The tequila she chugged moments ago is now taking effect. She can feel the warmth coating her insides more and more, every step she took it settled in her blood. This house was huge—corridors left and right, rooms seem to be inside other rooms. Raven felt lost so she decides to turn back around toward the main areas. Her beer was empty by the time she made it back where she can see the kitchen, so she makes way to grab another beer from the fridge. She sees Octavia at the bar area and decides to say hello before getting her beer.

"Having fun?" She steps behind Octavia and watches as she downs a shot.

" _Raven! Where have you been? These jack holes have been making me take shots back to back. Here have one!" Octavia grabs the whiskey and sloppily pours her a full shot._

"Uh" Raven attempts to deny her but Octavia lifts the shot up to her mouth so she opens it and lets her friend pour it in.

"There! Feel the burn baby!" Octavia says with excitement.

Raven blushes at the term and swallows without wincing, her eyes locked in green.

Octavia smiles at her before she leans in to give her a hug. "I'm glad you came Ray."

 _Raven wraps her arms around her, "me too O" and just as fast as she was there Sophia pulls her away. Raven is starting to not like Sophia, like at all._

"He keeps looking over here O, I think you should go dance with him." Sophia says to her with enthusiasm.

Octavia whips her head around to find Joffrey staring right at her with hooded eyes.

"Oh damn, he is so sexy. Okay, one more shot and I will head over." Octavia pours herself and Sophia another shot but as soon as she lifts her head up to ask Raven if she wanted one as well she was gone. She looks around the kitchen and the living room and doesn't find her. She frowns and then shrugs downing the whiskey that will give her courage she needs.

 _Raven is out of the kitchen as soon as Octavia calls that asshat sexy. He wasn't fucking sexy and whose name is Joffrey anyway. Stupid name, stupid hair cut, stupid boy. She managed to grab the rum off the counter before walking away and she is thankful for it. She walks toward the first room they entered when they arrived bottle tilted toward the ceiling. The liquor was working and it allows her to release her anger and worries all at once._

"Whatever" she mumbles. She passes by strangers and familiar faces as she makes her way into a new room. She decides that exploring this house is her priority. This room was dimly lit and is covered in pictures of the parental figures with more important figures; it held awards and certificates as well as a few family photos. Raven walks around taking sips from the bottle observing them.

"Like what you see?" She hears a familiar raspy voice ask from the doorway.

She slowly turns, a smile plastered across her face, and sure enough there the blonde was. It's been an hour or so since she last saw her and within that hour she has gotten better looking.

" _I'm not sure, why don't you come closer…" Raven feels good and wants to feel even better._

The blonde hesitates before stepping further into the room, Raven can see her reservation and knows exactly how to alleviate her from it. She grabs the blonde's wrist and takes her through a closed door leading them further from the party.

"Where are you taking me?" The blonde shyly asks through a giggle.

They make it to a couch in the middle of a pitch-black room and she pushes the blonde onto it, "I'll take you as far as you want to go" Raven whispers. The blonde sits on the edge of the couch feeling Raven get closer by the second. The brunette straddles the blonde beneath her and makes her way onto her lap, each knee sinking into the couch on either side her. She wraps her arms around her neck and leans in to put her lips against the blonde's ear, "How far do you want to go…" Raven entices.

She doesn't move forward without consent; she just waits sitting on the girls lap listening to her deep breaths. Soon enough, she gets her answer. The blonde's hands run up her thighs and up her shirt wrapping around her bareback. Raven responds by scooting further into the girl while placing soft kisses on her neck. The blonde moans quietly in her throat but it's silent enough in this room to hear it. This fuels Raven on as her kisses increase in pressure making her way to gaping lips. Their kiss was immediately heated; the girl below sucks her in like she has been suppressing something for ages. Raven allows her to take the lead and begins to rock into her pushing her back into the couch so they lay flat. Raven's hands trail down her sides and under the brim of her pants. The blonde takes a sharp inhale and pulls back slightly, "I've never done this before" she confesses.

Raven caresses her just below her pant line, "Do you want to do this?" She kisses her cheek willing to stop and do whatever the blonde is comfortable with. The blonde turns her head like she is thinking, her hands rub Raven's bare back lifting her shirt further up slowly. After a few moments of soft kisses and rubs, the blonde moves to lift Raven's shirt up over her head.

"Are you sure?" Raven hums, it feels good to be touched and wanted.

The blonde stays quiet but she can tell there is a smile on her face as her pupils have adjusted to the dark room. The girl proceeds to unclasp Raven's bra and that was enough of consent for her. She takes her lips into hers before lifting her shirt off as well.

An hour later they emerge from the back room with flushed faces and wide smiles. As they walk back out into the party, Raven strides right beside the girl with her hand guiding her on the small of her back.

"So uhh, I never got your name" Raven says shyly kind of embarrassed that she never asked.

The blonde laughs rubbing the back of her neck, "Well I never asked for yours either so…"

They both laugh but it's quickly interrupted by Octavia running up to them, "Clarke! I've been looking everywhere for you, Finn keeps bugging Joffery about you and totally co—" And in this moment Octavia sees Raven right next to Clarke. She looks from Clarke to Raven to Clarke and notices hickeys on Clarke's neck.

Her eyes narrow as she steps back to further inspect on her suspicion.

"Raven…you know Clarke?" Her voice is choked.

Raven stiffens; she looks at Clarke and then back to Octavia. Shit, this is Clarke? This is Octavia's best friend? This is the girl she has wanted her to meet? Fuck!

"Uh, no… we just met" She says and with out waiting for a response she just walks off to get a drink from the kitchen. The smell of sex still clings to her lips and fingers. Fuck! She curses at herself as she grabs the handle of the fridge yanks it open and grabs a beer.

 _Clarke stands with pale pink cheeks, "That's Raven?" She looks over Octavia toward the girl walking away._

"Yeah." Octavia says tightly, squinting at Clarke's neck. "Are those hickeys?" Her arms cross in front of her, fire burning her guts.

Clarke turns red lifting her hand up to her neck trying to feel them, her mind flashes to the couch she was pressed against with Raven's lips sealed onto her neck and her fingers inside.

"Umm, I don't know. So what were you saying? Is Finn cock blocking you?" Clarke tries to change the subject desperately needing to escape her gaze. Raven? The girl Octavia has been non-stop talking about. Raven? The girl Clarke teased Octavia for having a girl crush on? Raven, the friend so amazing she wanted her to meet tonight? Fuck!

Raven groans into her hands. It took her months to convince Octavia that it didn't mean anything. She finally had to say that barely anything happened just so she could have a decent conversation without Octavia yelling at her. It was a half-truth, okay maybe a total lie but Octavia was so pissed off about the possibility of them hooking up that she had to do something. She was more upset than she thought she deserved but it was going to be the end of them if she didn't lie. Clarke didn't tell Octavia any details so she came barraging Raven for answers. After that night, it was a blur anyway so she convinced herself that barely anything happened too, even though glimpses of the couch encounter flashed into her mind telling her everything happened. Did anyone have to know? Can't it just be her and Clarke's secret?

She sighs into herself thinking that if she were to tell Octavia, she would no longer be welcome in the group or in her bed. It wasn't about the sex with Octavia; it was more than that. She would risk everything by telling her. Thinking about Lexa and Clarke reminded her how a small lie, even by omission, can root itself below the garden and rear it's ugly head destroying everything grown above it. She needs to talk to Clarke. So she grabs her phone and sends her a text.

 **12:21pm- Griffindork**

 _RavenClaw: Hey, we need to talk. I think we should tell Octavia about what happened at that party junior year._

 _RavenClaw: But I think we should tell her together._

RavenClaw: And what about Lexa? God… Do we have to tell her?

 **3:30pm**

Lexa sits in class twirling her phone in her hand. She wishes Clarke would text her so she can actually focus on her studies. Practice was horrible, Indra made her take laps 3 times because she was distracted. Laps consisted of 2 miles and so she had to miss most of practice to run 6 miles. It was fine though, she used that time to think about everything. Running was always cathartic for Lexa and having that time to sort through her thoughts helped with the worry. She should have told Clarke about Harper but it was so highly insignificant she honestly forgot it had happened. When she saw Bellamy all over her in her room, all she saw was red. It wasn't like she lied about it on purpose.

She thinks herself in circles as the day drones on, it wasn't anything but yet she questions why she feels that it could be everything. Like it was the straw and Clarke's back was just so tired of carrying everyone's shit. She remembers some of the words Clarke told Anya in the alley.

" _We find pieces of ourselves in those moments, within other people, and even inside us that we never knew were there. And with all that we can either pick up those pieces and build upon ourselves or let them lie to poke holes in the fabric of our existence."_ **  
**

Lexa starts to wonder what piece Clarke found in her, if she found one at all. If it was as big as the one she found in Clarke, which is a pretty large piece. She wonders if she is trying to pick up the pieces she found within herself right now and needs this time to put them together.

It all made sense in the alley but now she just wants to go back to Sunday when they were one person split in two instead of two people trying to be one. She doesn't feel illustrious now, despite being so familiar with tragedy. She has the perspective to see the difference and yet the tragic scars win out every time. Lexa tries to hold on to Clarke's words that weren't meant for her, which had rang true to her anyway. She needed to step up and be patient but it was hard to hold onto hope when the one person who brought it, the one place where she felt like home, now feels so far away.

She fidgets in her seat unlocking and locking her phone just to see the clock tick to the next minute. Today was going by so slowly and she wouldn't be done until 5:30 and her dissertation writer's workshop was her least favorite class.

 _Ugh!_ Lexa lets out deep sigh which causes the guy to her left look at her like if she hated it that much then she should just leave and save everyone the trouble from looking at her. She scooted lower in her seat trying to make herself look as small as possible. It has barely been 12 hours since she has seen Clarke and it feels like eternity. It wouldn't be so bad if she knew she would see her soon, but reality to Lexa right now is that she has a feeling that it wont be.

 _ **Bzzz**_

The feeling of her phone vibrate in her palm causes her to jump in her seat, hitting her knee underneath the table as she lets out a whine from the pain. The guy next to her shakes his head after looking at her incredulously. She looks back with a pointed glare as to stab him with her eyeballs. _Whatever dude, bite me!_

Her chest fills with white hot fuzz in hopes that it's Clarke, she swipes so fast the first few times her phone doesn't register what she wants. She notices that the text says Anya and her heart melts into a puddle as she clenches her legs together hoping it doesn't leak out of her butt. She reads the text with frustration.

 **4:09pm**

 _Anya: So tell me about Raven_

- _  
_  
Lexa tilts her head to the side not quite understanding why she wants to know about her.

 **4:10pm- Anya**

 _Lexa: Uh, what? Why?_

 _Anya: I just ran into her and she teaches mechanics and engineering? I just want to know more about her, figured since she IS your friend you would know._

Lexa: Yeah she teaches. Anya, I still don't know what you want to know?

Anya: Is she gay?

- _  
_Lexa sits up straight and looks around shaking her head only to return to her phone typing vigorously.

 **4:12pm  
**  
 _Lexa: No way, NO. You just dated Clarke's mom, there is no way in hell I will let you anywhere near Raven. She isn't a rebound either An, you literally just broke up Abby yesterday._

Anya: Lexa! Relax; it's just a fucking question. She is interesting is all, I just want to know the friends you are so keen on keeping from everyone else in the world.

Anya: I am not trying to steal your friends away.

Lexa: You can't steal them away. They aren't my possessions Anya and I would like you to get to know them. I know how you are when you are interested in someone. Raven is not available. They are a great group of people, so please don't do anything that would mess with that.

 _  
Anya: I won't mess with your people Lexa. Whatever._

She looks up from her phone gripping it tightly. Anya was always bouncing from one thing to the next, it may have been a coping mechanism or that she really did bounce back that quickly but Lexa wasn't going to let her bounce around with her friends. Raven is with Octavia or at least trying to be and if Lexa knows Anya, she knows once she has her eyes on someone she usually gets them. She can be persuasive as fuck because she was excellent at reading people. Anya found their desires and weaknesses within the first hour of meeting them. It is one of her better skills, next to fighting and weaponry. She hopes that Anya doesn't feel it necessary to make herself desirable or useful in a sense. Lexa knows that Anya thinks in ways of use, if she wasn't pulling her weight or valuable to the group then there was no reason to be kept around. This was her way or the way living on the streets made her; she didn't like feeling useless— it gave others power over her. Lexa exhales and replies.

 **4:16pm-Anya**

 _Lexa: They are your people now too. I want you with me, its just Raven is with Octavia. They have something going on and I think it's delicate. All I am asking is to not get in the middle of that. You don't have to bring anything to the table to be welcome._

She waits for her reply but doesn't receive one. She wants Anya to be a part of this family—the family she found her home in. She doesn't want to cause a ripple that rocks the boat. With one more worry to stack on top of her Jenga-riddled mind, Lexa crumples up the piece of paper she had written two sentences of notes on and throws it at the guy next to her with contempt and frustration. He flinches before looking over at her with eyes like she betrayed her country. She didn't look away when he glares this time, instead he finds her squared up and staring. Something about messing with him distracts Lexa from her thoughts; she shrugs her shoulders at him with a smile welcoming the distraction. She watches him squint his eyes at her before picking up the paper to un-crumple it. _I didn't throw you a note, you idiot._ She laughs at herself, maybe she should have. He reads the paper realizing that there was nothing for him in there and he proceeds to write something instead. Lexa turns to find if the professor noticed anything but he is at his desk not minding the class as they fulfill brainless work. Next thing she sees is a paper ball flying across her desk and on to the floor. Lexa reaches to pick it and looks over at the boy but he is already back to his notes like before. She opens it up and reads: _Did you forget to take your medicine this morning? Hit me up if you need some._

Lexa reads it twice. _Did this guy just… Is he a drug dealer?_ She crumples the paper back up and leaves it sitting on her desk. To distract herself further, she contemplates what kind of drugs he sells; she turns her head to inspect him like a Sherlock Holmes descendant. He has a sweater over a collard shirt, messy hair, and he is wearing Sperry boat shoes with shorts that seem a little too short. His leg is bouncing up and down and if she looked carefully she can see him clench his jaw repeatedly. Lexa guesses it must be Adderall or any kind of upper— this guy looks like he is in a fraternity. She is familiar with the methamphetamine but didn't like how she felt after using them. In L.A. they had plenty of options to choose from, especially on runs. In order to stay up Lexa would choose uppers, where as everyone else had their vice. Some chose heroin, oxi, alcohol, meth, yay or addy. Whatever you wanted they could get. It wasn't a nice crowd but they protected each other and some of it helped take the edge off from what they had to do. This guy— however, she is sure just wanted to elevate himself within his brotherhood while passing his classes on a buzz. Innocent enough but she no longer condoned drug use. It almost made her into something she couldn't turn back from and she would never let something like that happen again… so long as she can help it.

 _Dropout- Hollywood Horror_

 _The vibrations between her thighs, as the engine rattled on, is something she never got used to. It kept her awake on nights like these; with arms wrapped tightly around her waist she heads to the rendezvous point where they would gear up before the run. The wind bares a cold edge that parries into her cheeks; her leather jacket and jeans protect her body but her face lie victim to the night. She didn't wear a helmet, even though Anya insisted she should, it hindered her ability to see around her. She needed all senses alive on these runs or she could—_

 _No. She never thought about what could happen; she made herself live in the moment, doing what is necessary. Anya has done so much—too much for her. If she does enough of these they can get a place of their own._

The street lights metronome by as she speeds through the midnight cemented sea. It was quiet, like a calm before the storm; the city's underbelly always held a serene film. Lexa knew better than to take solace in it, for she saw what really went on under the vale. Every night was something new and she found that thrilling. Her life held little value; at least that is what she learned at a young age. It is that value that could get you killed out here anyway, so she never invested in the idea that her life meant anything. This is what made her brave and she needed brave—Anya needed brave.

Her motorcycle slows to a stop in front of an abandoned warehouse near the docking grounds. One light hung above them flickering warnings below. The girl behind her gets off the bike first as she holds the bike steady and kicks the stand to rest its heated body. Lexa gets off and proceeds to walk inside the warehouse with the girl in tow. The girl's name is April and she has been a part of this chapter for years, once she saw Lexa she claimed her seat. Lexa didn't care; she brought trust from the others and gave her affection easily. It was nice and she was very attractive, so it was a no brainer.

They jawed the plan off, dispersed weapons and drugs before heading out. They were to intercept a semi-truck full of shipment. She didn't know what they were hijacking because all that mattered was that they got the truck back to the warehouse with the least amount of resistance and attention and then she would get paid. April walks up to her with a few pills in her hand and gives Lexa a deep kiss before placing them in her mouth. She figured they were her usual amphetamine and took them with out question.

She returns to her bike with April and follows the rest of the gang out on route. In the middle of the ride out those pills start to kick in and she feels fearless, she feels absolutely energized and awake, like she could do anything. They find their cargo on a back road highway; there were two cars and three motorcycles in their parade. Lexa volunteered to be the hijacker this time making her designated weapon the stun gun. Her job was to jump from her bike onto the cab and get inside, disarm the driver and take over the rig. She's seen it done many times on previous runs, and yeah it was all, Fast and the Furious kind of shit but it was real. She couldn't believe things like this actually happened but it paid too damn well for her to care.

April was behind her so she can scoot in to take over steering while she stepped up on the bike to take her leap. This was it they all fall into their positions and Lexa increases her speed beside the passenger side of the rig while both cars pin it to the middle of the road. One bike is ahead slowing it down while the others stride behind it making sure everything goes according to plan. April is wearing a helmet so they can communicate but Lexa is just in leather and denim with the stun gun in her pocket. She slowly lifts herself up as April slides beneath her to take over, her foot steps in the middle of the handle bars as her other on the seat in between April's thighs. Lexa signals for her to move closer so she can grab on to the vertical bar near the door. The driver knows what's happening and is swerving his rig side to side, trying to escape. It causes Lexa to brace herself as April swerves to avoid collision. Next thing Lexa hears is gunfire and shattering glass, she immediately reacts and jumps onto the rig despite it being nearly a yard away. She manages to grab the bar but her feet slip and hit the moving cement hard flinging her body back. Her grip is strong but her arm bends and bangs against the metal of the cab, she feels her legs yelling for her to stop as surges of pain trickle up her spine. She needs to save her men, if any of them get shot, she is fucked and she won't get paid. Lexa manages to get her foot up on the step and her other hand on the bar. She idles for a moment as another shot rings from within the cab out the passenger side window.

"Shit!"

He sees her and swerves again to try and fling her off. She keeps hold hugging herself flush to the side. Some how she has to dodge his line of fire to open the door and get inside. Her heart is racing but the drugs she took allow her to slow things down and think. She has no fear; it was all focus and adrenaline now. Looking to her left she sees April keeping up with her, she signals to her that she needs her to speak to the gang and that she needs a distraction. They developed signals in sign language in order to communicate silently if they needed to and in this moment Lexa is fucking glad she paid attention. April nods her head.

Lexa reaches into her pocket to check if the stun gun is still there and to her surprise is isn't.

"Fuck" she mutters to herself. It must have dropped when she made the leap. Okay, change of plans. She hangs on as her team gets in position for a diversion. She needs to think fast because her window is about to open and she needs a way to debilitate the driver with out killing him. But before she can think, the diversion is underway. The driver is distracted and it's now! She has to act. She flings her arm to the door handle and opens the passenger door wide open. He swerves the rig to the left causing the door to begin to shut. Lexa sticks her leg out to stop it causing the door to slam into her leg with an agonizing blow. She grunts into it but she keeps moving managing to get her foot inside and grip the door with her right hand. The driver sees her start to enter and is about to shoot when a set of chains hits through the already broken window whipping his arm in the process. He screams in pain as Lexa shuffles into the seat next to him grabbing his gun. But his grip is tight and he struggles against her. She punches him in the throat while her other hand grips the gun pushing it away from her abdomen. Those pills are in full effect and she feels numb, nothing hurts and she is calm. Slowly she wraps her arm around his neck and tightens her grip. His hand on the wheel grips white knuckle, his radio weaving in and out of static. She hears him struggling to breath but her breathing is louder in her ears. His gun comes loose and she pulls it away from him throwing it on the floor of the cab. She tightens her grip around his neck and puts her other hand on the wheel to keep the rig steady and on the road. He weakens—she is focused, eyes on the road—his breathing slows—she focuses now on sliding her foot toward the brake—he isn't breathing—she is determined and focused still, the rig has to be controlled.

When he collapses she doesn't think about him, she releases her grip and slides on his lap and proceeds to slow the rig into a full stop. She hears banging, hoots and hollers outside coming from her crew.

She did it.

Lexa takes a deep breath, puts the rig in park and slips off the man beneath her. She needs to check and see if he is all right but she freezes as soon as she sees his face. His eyes are closed; his lips are blue.

"No no no…" she slaps his cheek and shifts his body onto his back. She can hear her crew opening the back of the rig to check the cargo. Its routine and necessary before they can call back and let them know they got it. Lexa is worried but she couldn't panic if she wanted to. She felt numb and she killed him.

He is dead.

Lexa shakes her head falling back on her heel. "I killed him…" Her face is ghost white when April steps into the cab. She gasps but doesn't hesitate in pulling at Lexa to get her out of there.

"It happens Lexa. Don't worry; he would have killed you just the same. The boys will take care of it. You don't have to worry." April's words barely register in Lexa's ears. It didn't matter— she killed a person. She pushes off of April and rushes to the man unconscious or dead—it didn't matter because she is not and will not become a murderer tonight! She lunges to his body and begins CPR.

"Come on!"

She clasps her hand over her fist and pounds them into his chest erratically fifteen times, pinches his nose, tilts his head back and breathe into his mouth twice and turns her head to see his chest fall. She does this repeatedly while April and her crew watches.

"Lexa! Let it go, he's dead!" One crewmember calls out.

"NO!" she screams and bangs his chest even harder. He can't be dead, she isn't a murderer this isn't her life. No amount of money is worth this… She can't be this...

Just as soon as she was about to give up, the man below gasps for air. He winces and turns over coughing and grabbing his throat.

"Jesus fuck…" Lexa whispers exhaustedly. She pats his back, as she looks up at her crew who all stare wide-eyed. She isn't a murderer… she is still Lexa.

Those days were in the past and if she can help it she will keep them there. The feeling in her gut wrenches. Where would she be if she let April pull her from the cab? Who would she be? Lexa shakes her head out from darkness and sits up in her seat.

She clicks her phone on and sees that it's 5:30. Students are packing up and turning in their progress at the front of the class. Lexa whines into her hands as she rubs her face. She has nothing but a crumpled piece of paper to turn in. The frat guy next to her gets up grinning at her and sets a card with a number on her desk before he makes his way down to turn in his work. She looks at the card and it has a number printed in the middle. Flipping it to the other side she finds nothing. It's just a number. Lexa looks down toward the guy following him with her eyes as he exits the room. She thinks to herself something before she notices that she is the only one still sitting in her seat. She promptly shoves everything into her bag and makes her way down to the professor to ask for an extension so she wouldn't get a zero for the day. _Way to go Lexa._ Yet she is thankful that these are the trials she worries about now, a zero in class instead of a dead man in a cab. _Way to go._

 **6:58pm**

Clarke is sitting in her room, a long day now behind her. She tries to balance her mind but she can't stop being human and full of emotion. She wants to go back to the peace she found when she woke but it evades her now. It'll have to be a constant battle to achieve that state consistently. She knows she can't always stick her head above water.

Octavia has yet to come home so she decides to sketch before she arrives. She has a few ideas for some paintings that she will enter into the Ark show in a few months. She has to submit three of her best works to be considered for showing. Since all her current paintings are old she wants to do something new and fresh.

She completes two sketches before she hears the door open and slam shut, "WHERE ARE YOU BITCH!?" Octavia screams from the living room.

Clarke laughs and gets up to greet her in the hallway, "I'm right here O-Ren Ishii" she jokes. "What are you yelling for?!"

"First of all thank you, O-Ren Ishii is a bad ass! And secondly I should go all Kill Bill on your ass because you haven't answered any of my texts!" Octavia huffs walking toward her.

"Sorry, I left my phone at home today. What did you text?" Clarke asks, still not having checked her phone since arriving home. (which she soo should have)

"Guess fucking what?!" Octavia jumps up and down grabbing Clarke's arms barely able to hold in a squeal.

Clarke's eyes widen and she starts to jump too, "No way! Did you get it? Did you get on the team?!"

Her best friend nods frantically, "YEEEE!"

They spin around jumping in the air screaming. "I am so proud of you O! You really worked hard. I have never seen you so determined before—well with homework that is!" She laughs and continues to jump with her friend in the hallway.

After thirty minutes of details and more screaming they settle in the living room with glasses of wine. This time Clarke is the one who digs the juice out from the cabinet. Octavia knew it was talk time before she even broke the wine out but it still made it more evident that Clarke had something serious to say.

Octavia sits back in the couch and sips on her wine waiting for Clarke to begin but she looks like she is struggling to start. Her blue eyes wander the room while she takes large gulps of her full glass.

"Clarke" Octavia decides to start for her stopping the blonde from mindlessly searching the room for a place to begin. Clarke turns her head to meet her friend's viridian gaze.

Octavia decides to speak first, "I know that I didn't tell you and I know I should have but from the moment you collapsed onto the floor that night, how could I? You were broken and needed to heal. I had to tell Lexa to leave because you weren't coherent…"

Clarke tilts her head slightly at that knowledge but lets her keep going.

"…You were distraught Clarke, and I decided that it wasn't going to help you. I was protecting you from hurting because it meant nothing to Lexa. I saw the whole thing and yeah Lexa shouldn't have done the body shot but Harper held her neck and as soon as she could Lexa yanked away. I—"

"Okay stop!" Clarke held up her hand. Hearing the details just made it worse. She didn't want to hear any more excuses or justifications. "It doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is that it happened. I wanted to talk to you about that… and about Bellamy."

Octavia slumps further into the couch at the mention of her brother.

"I'm sorry about that too Clarke…" Octavia looks into her glass of wine ashamed.

Clarke shakes her head, "No O. Don't. You don't need to be sorry. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, he did." She tries to make that very clear to her.

"Will you tell me what happened?" Octavia pleas, "I need to know everything Clarke, please tell me…"

Clarke takes a deep breath and looks into her eyes, "Okay" she whispers. She takes the rest of the wine that's in her glass in one gulp.

"I went to use the restroom in my room because you know I hate the hallway one—"

Octavia nods her head.

"—And I heard my door open and close. I thought it was Lexa but no one answered me so I shrugged it off thinking it was in my head. But when I came out of the bathroom Bellamy was sitting on my bed. He started to talk about the past."

Clarke reaches for the bottle of wine and pours herself another hefty glass. She takes a sip before asking, "remember when Finn passed, I took a trip to New Mexico and Bellamy came with me?"

Octavia shook her head, "I didn't know he went with you…"

"Well he did, and we kissed on the trip. I was lost and lonely and he was there for me O. I didn't know what I was doing. Nothing more than that happened but I guess for him it meant more. So he brought that up and wanted to resume where we left off. I told him we were just friends and that he is like a brother to me."

She took a sip of wine.

"He kept stepping closer to me while I was pushing against his chest and explaining to him that he didn't understand. He didn't let me talk and he had his hands around me. I tried pushing against him but he wasn't listening. He was drunk…" She looks at Octavia to make sure she should keep going.

"Clarke, I want to know. Keep going." She says through stiff lips.

She takes a deep breath, "His arms were tight and he slammed his lips against mine. I didn't kiss back but he forced his tongue inside my mouth. His hands were grabbing under my ass and…h-his fingers were pushing into me. And that's when Lexa came in and she saw him but thought I was into it and she slammed the door and ran off…"

She gulps some more wine, "So I gathered all I had in me and finally pushed him off, It all happened so fast I didn't really know what was happening but I yelled at him that if girl is trying to push you away to fucking let her…"

At this point Clarke's eyes are swollen with tears. She hadn't thought of that incident since the night it happened and even then the memory was clouded by Lexa's feelings and her reaction. Clarke only cared about how Lexa felt and disregarded how she felt about the whole thing. Only realizing now how she feels about it, in front of her best friend, talking about it.

"Clarke…" Octavia chokes through her own tears. "I am so sorry… are you okay?" She reaches her hand out to rub her knee.

Clarke shrugs taking another gulp of her wine, "Yeah, I guess. I mean nothing happened really."

"Clarke. Yes it did. He violated you and you were asking him to stop with your voice and your actions and he didn't. I mean, god Clarke. What if Lexa hadn't of walked in?!" She says with anger.

"I don't know O! Nothing! He wouldn't have…" Her voice trails off into a whisper because does she know he wouldn't have? Can she really know? Thinking about it seems ridiculous.

"We don't know that Clarke. I can't even say that I recognize him anymore. He used to be my brother and now… I can't even look at him with out thinking about it."

"I shouldn't have kissed him in New Mexico, it's my fault for leading him on."

Octavia squeezes her knee, "Absolutely not Clarke! Why must you always find reasons to blame yourself? He knows you don't feel the same way, if you did you would have made something happen. He forced himself on to you and that is in no way your fault! Jesus Clarke! It's not your fucking fault!"

"Okay! Octavia… I'm sorry. Just don't yell at me…" Clarke whines with a cracked voice as her tears fall down her flush cheeks. She is embarrassed and upset that it happened and doesn't want to talk about it anymore but she knows she has to. Octavia needs to know and should know what happened between her best friend and her brother. Even if it's awful.

"I'm sorry… It—it's just I'm upset Clarke. I fucking hate him! I can't believe he hurt you and that it happened without me knowing. I wish you had told me sooner before I let him back into our house. He deserved what Lexa gave him even worse!" She sits her glass of wine down on the coffee table.

"Listen, I will always be here for you Clarke. I love you no matter what and I will protect you when I can. I just have to know these things in order to do that." She grabs Clarke's wine glass and sets it adjacent to hers.

"Promise me you won't keep things like this from me again?"

Clarke looks at her from eye to eye, tears blocking most of her view of them. She knows she has one secret in particular she has kept from Octavia but she isn't sure she should be the one to tell her. So she nods her head and wraps her arms around her best friend. After a few minutes of a salty embrace, Clarke pulls away.

"I need to talk to you about something else," she says while sitting back against the couch after grabbing her wine from the table.

Octavia follows suit and sits back to listen, "Okay, I'm all ears."

Her blue eyes gaze down into her wine before taking a sip, "I'm still upset with you and Raven. Not because you kept the kiss from me but because of what happened because of it."

She clears her throat, "I felt so guilty and ashamed from what Bellamy did that I killed myself trying to make Lexa forgive me. I buried what he did to me in the back of my mind ignoring how it affected me because I was more worried how it affected Lexa. She was so sad and hurt by it. That night, I opened myself up to her and I was ready to give her everything. But she couldn't see passed it, she basically told me she didn't want me anymore and that she couldn't look at me. We talked it out and we made up but as soon as we got to the house she shut down and pulled back. I was so hurt by it all, vulnerable and disgusted. I was shocked at what Bellamy was doing and I did try pushing him away and then after I threw myself at Lexa, she pushed _me_ away. I felt gross and alone. Even after that night, I feel that way. I blamed myself for it and it ripped my heart to pieces knowing that Lexa saw that. And then the next morning I heard you and Raven talking in the kitchen, that Lexa kissed a girl. I hurt even more; I hated myself, doubted that Lexa wanted me, and upset my friends were hiding that from me. I really do understand that you were doing it to protect me. I get that…because sometimes that is necessary. But it was more about the information this time. It would have helped so much to know. I thought maybe you guys would tell me what happened but you never did. So then that night at Polis, when you saw Harper, you still weren't going to tell me. You were standing there trying to hide it from me even though she was right there trying it again. When I saw Harper and how she kissed Anya with her hands on Lexa, I lost it. I broke right then and there, Octavia. I was crashing and I kept crashing all up until I heard Anya say she was seeing my mom and then everything went quiet in my head."

Clarke turns away from Octavia to stop herself from crying, "I realized that there is so much pain in this world and I am happy to bear it. I really am. But I also know that there is love and I want to focus on that. I want to focus on what I have." She turns toward Octavia who sits silently listening. "I have people who love me and who I would gladly take the pain for… but I need you to trust me that I can handle it. Because the smallest thing can make all the difference and I need you to be by my side even if I can't handle it."

Her words are not only spoken from her own lips but she hears them too. She knows she has to tell Octavia about Raven and her junior year. That in order for her words to ring true she has to be truthful to her as well.

"So that being said… I need to tell you something. I didn't think it was my place to tell you but after everything that I just said, I need to put my trust in you that you can handle it. I want there to be no secrets between us. But before I tell you, I want you to know that I thought I was protecting you just like you thought you were protecting me. I hope it means nothing now but I know that it could make all the difference and god…I hope it doesn't. I need you and Raven with me, more now than ever…"

Octavia fidgets getting extremely worried, "Clarke, for fucks sake just tell me already! You're really freaking me out."

"Ugh, okay." She grabs Octavia's wine glass and sets it on the table. Clarke isn't sure how she is going to react and she would rather not have to clean up a broken glass and wine stains.

"So you remember junior year of college and that party before school started?"

"yeah…"

"Well I met this girl and I've never seen her before. And we ended up having sex in my dad's den. We walked out into the living room and then that's when you walked up to us talking about Joffrey and Finn."

Clarke didn't want to tell her flat out that Raven and her had sex. For some reason it was easier to let her put the pieces together. Octavia never asked her about it after that night. She knew that she was upset by the way she acted after she found them walking closely together with hickeys all over her neck. But after that night, it was never brought up between them.

She waits for Octavia to say something but she doesn't. She just starts shaking her head tears swelling in her eyes again.

"Octavia, I didn't know…" Clarke reaches her hand out to touch her leg but Octavia smacks it away.

"You and Raven?" she chokes out at a whisper.

Clarke nods, "I had no idea that it was Raven… we were drunk. And even after that, I thought you two were just friends. I never would have done it if I kn—"

"Shut your mouth, just shut up." Octavia shakes her head into her hands. She tries to think back to that night. Deep down she knew. She knew as soon as she saw both of their faces. She just didn't want to believe it.

"No, I asked Raven if you two had sex and she said barely anything happened."

Clarke sighs, "It did happen. I wish it didn't now, but it did." She wanted to say that Raven helped her realize she was bisexual. That she wouldn't have done it if she knew that Octavia had feelings for her. She wanted to tell her that Raven and her talked a lot after that night and she helped her figure herself out. But looking at her now, she knew she could spare the details.

"Th—then she lied to me…She said you didn't. And I believed her…" Octavia sobs into her hands. "You were my best friend, how could you…" **  
**  
"I'm sorry… Octavia please. I still am your best friend."

Octavia huffs at that but jerks her head up as if a sudden thought popped in her head, "Has anything happened since then?" She looks upward obviously thinking back in memories. "God, all this time and you two—" She doesn't dare finish her thought.

"No! Octavia. Nothing has happened, not even a little since that night junior year. I would never." She reaches out and this time Octavia lets her touch her.

"But you did Clarke…How can I look at her when I know you were there first?"  
"You can O… She loves you and you love her I know it. It was such a long time ago. I really am sorry. But you have been with so many guys since then, a lot of whom Raven knew and she still looks at you like you are the Virgin Mary of her dreams." She rubs her best friends leg. "I'm so so sorry Octavia."

The brunette grunts into her hands leaning her head back into the couch. "UGHHH! You fucking bitch." She says with an airy laugh.

Clarke smiles and lets out a heavy breath. Maybe it will all be okay. "I know I _am_ a fucking bitch. I will make it up to you. I'll cook and clean forever and you won't have to do anything."

Octavia splays her fingers and peeks through them at her roomie, "Keep talking…"

Clarke laughs, "I promise I will wash your clothes and if I ever get famous for my art I will be your sugar mama."

With that O sits up off the couch and punches Clarke's arm, "fucking right you will!"

"And I will let you slap me but just once!"

Octavia looks inquisitive but then grins widely, "Deal! Can I slap you right now?"

Clarke squints and immediately regrets saying that last part but nods her head anyway. She gets up, folds her legs underneath her and sits on her heels while sticking her face out. "You better make it good because this is the on—"

 **SMACKAROONY!**

Octavia slaps her across the face knocking her into the cushions on the other side of the couch.

Clarke whines into a laugh and lifts herself up while rubbing her cheek, "Fucking fuck O! That was a good one. Okay but that is _the_ only one!"

"Did it hurt?"

"Hell yeah it fucking hurt, I think I might have a bruise."

Octavia smiles, throws her arms around her best friend and hugs her, "good, you deserved it."

Clarke laughs and hugs her best friend back. "I love you O"

"I love you too hoebag" **  
**


	24. Chapter 24

**Ch. 24 - Scrum** **  
**

Despite the talk last night, Clarke could feel the tension between making the coffee and scrambling the eggs this morning. It wasn't awkward but it wasn't smooth and effortless either. Octavia gave forced smiles and would avoid contact at all costs. Which is highly unusual for the very tactile girl. Clarke wasn't expecting it to be that easy after their talk, not at all, but she had hoped it would be easier than this. Octavia insisted on washing the dishes alone leaving Clarke to sit at the breakfast bar to bask in the thick of it, watching her best friend suffer because of her past. It was something that happened so perfectly in a moment back then, one moment that is haunting her now. This week just won't quit. But Clarke can't seem to feel regret for that moment. It helped her more than it's burdening her now but she has a lot more talking to do, so she waits for that verdict to affirm her conclusion. The stale air sits between her bones as she shifts on the bar stool, the exact stool she had purchased with Octavia at Ikea, when things were simple—at ease. The sound of muffled dishes clang together a little too loud a few times, drawing Clarke's attention from her phone. She starts to worry she might break something. Her phone weighs almost as heavy as her heart. After walking into her room the night before she found her phone intending to send a message to Raven, only to find messages waiting for her.

 **Monday 12:21pm - Griffindork**

 _ **RavenClaw**_ _: Hey, we need to talk. I think we should tell Octavia about what happened at that party junior year._

 _ **RavenClaw**_ _: But I think we should tell her together._

 _ **RavenClaw**_ _: And what about Lexa? God… Do we have to tell her?_

Clarke's thumb hovers over the screen as her eyes find comfort in a stare, her vision going blurry. Omissions are dangerously close to deliberate lies in her book but sometimes things are meant to stay buried. Clarke's mind thinks about history and how it's the most important lesson of all. If she didn't learn from it, she would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes or even worse be lost and aimless. There are always two sides to a story, a coin, even a person. So even though she thinks omitting truth is similar to a lie, she feels that her past should be her own (and Raven's in this case) but she asks herself why should she feel bad about it? Raven has and will always be special to her. She doesn't regret what happened junior year, it isn't shame she feels; it's sadness. She doesn't feel guilty but she does feel bad that it hurts Octavia. And perhaps it will hurt Lexa too. The past is solid, unwavering and unforgiving and she can't change it even if she wanted to. Her mind wonders to Lexa in this moment and stays there, she misses her so much it's starting to hurt. The space Lexa usually fills with warmth has been dropping in degree since that night at Polis and all she wants to do is fill it back up with a text, a voice, her touch, anything to help keep the temperature at a comforting level. The kiss with Harper and Bellamy seem to be mere shadows cast by this protrusion of the past—this seemingly small thing that she has been hiding for the sake of social serenity. Clarke grumbles at herself for letting all this happen. It compounded into this and she tries to think back to when each individual piece started to fall apart.

Octavia finishes putting the dishes away in silence and turns to find Clarke staring into space. Her feelings have had time to sink in and she still hasn't forgiven her but she takes into account the past few days. Her best friend has been through a lot and the incident (is what she will call it) happened long ago. But she feels rotten and a little betrayed by them. She should have been told back then so she could have sorted it all out and be perfectly okay with it now. But no, her best friends had to keep a huge ugly secret from her, only for her to find out about it while dating Raven. Betrayal is the only explanation to how she feels and she isn't sure whom she is mad at: herself for believing that nothing happened that night, Raven for lying, or Clarke for getting there first. With a deep sigh she decides that she would just focus on school.

"So, I- um I'm going to get ready for class," she says lowly, careful not to intrude too harshly on the blonde's deep thoughts.

Clarke blinks the cotton from her eyes, "Oh, okay... I should probably head out too."

Octavia hesitates between the kitchen and the hallway suddenly very interested in the wood grain of the counter. She doesn't move right away which causes Clarke to look up in concern. "Are yo—

"I think…" Octavia interrupts, gripping at her sides, "I think I need some time, so I'll see you later. I'm going to ride my bike to school." She looks up after her statement and finds understanding in Clarke's eyes. As soon as she sees her nod, she takes off to her room with plenty of time to get to class.

/

Grass has a certain smell to it when it's ripped from the ground. It's a smell Lexa finds a calm in, a smell that strengthens her resolve in the middle of chaos. She rubs her shoulder after a particularly rough tackle from the opposing team a few plays ago. The scrimmage Titus set up was under way with five more minutes left in the second half. Her frustration has been an easy motivator. She's been called on a few of her tackles and hasn't kept herself in check. Anya comes up behind her after a knock-on, the ball-moving forward after a momentary loss of possession, causing a stoppage of play for a scrum. She wraps her hand in Lexa's jersey and pulls her close.

"You good?"

Lexa tilts her chin down in one solid tug in affirmation as she takes her mouth guard out to grip between her teeth. She hated wearing it but after a nasty bout one of her teammates had last year losing her front tooth on an opponent's knee, Lexa bears it for the sake of her smile. She rolls her shoulder before she spares a glance toward Anya, her brows downcast. They look at each other in a brief moment of encouragement before getting into position in front of three forwards of Denver Central. The game has been in their favor since the first half but it should have been easier. The smell of the early morning dew on their jerseys is evident as they close in. Lexa breathes heavy for a few moments while each team capitalizes on the small breather granted to them. Cen-Den isn't a D1 school but they often scrimmage with North-Den for practice. They haven't ever been good enough to defeat them but today they are putting up quite the fight. Anya wraps her arm behind Lexa and grips her jersey at her back, binding them together with Echo for the scrum. A scrum is the restart of a play after a minor infringement involving players packing closely together in a fight for possession of the ball. Lexa gets low on one knee at the ready; she places her mouth guard back in her mouth and bites down hard. Three white and red jersey forwards against three black jersey forwards, all similar in size.

"Crouch!" The ref calls.

Her mind flits to Clarke and their hiatus.  
 _Fuck that._

To Harper and the kiss that caused it.  
 _Stupid._

"Bind!"

She lifts her knee from the ground as they interlock heads, pushing against each other's front lines with force. Her shoulder aches but she pushes it to the back of her mind using it in this moment as fuel. Titus insisted on scrimmaging to see where the team is after the winter break. His starting seven as of now consists of Lexa, Anya, Echo, Ontari, Allie, Fox, and Zoe. They've formed an alliance that was hard to penetrate if you wanted to be a part of the starting line. Lexa and Anya are hard to please during practice and won't hesitate to rotate you down. Titus grants them final say as to who plays and who sits as substitutes. Lexa is still captain thanks to Anya stepping down after being offered to lead three years ago and rightfully so because Lexa is their leader—their commander. Lexa is who they all look up to and at the same time who they all fear.

"Set!"

Lexa pushes forward hard on her back leg along with Anya and Echo challenging the other team off balance for the put-in.

The scrumhalf, Ontari, tosses the ball in the tunnel but feeds the ball toward North-Den legs to keep possession. Lexa manages to hook the ball back where Ontari runs behind to scoop up the ball and tosses it back to Fox before she is tackled to the ground. Lexa breaks away from the scrum and falls back into line just as Fox breaks left to find a gap. But she is quickly met with wrapping arms on her waist in efforts to pull her down. Fox tosses it back to Allie where she quickly throws it to Zoe to gain the yards they desperately seek. A Cen-Den forward tries to dive into Zoe's mid-section but she tosses the ball off to Anya who is eagerly waiting. Anya fakes right but cuts left causing the opposition to jumble to keep up. She runs up into black jerseys of Cen-Den's right defensive side to create space and throws it back to Fox. She sees a gap and tries to brush through but is met with three black jerseys swarming her to the ground. Lexa is off to the right awaiting play to be swung for a break away try. Fox hits the ground hard, managing to toss a weak pass that falls short. Zoe rushes to the ball getting to it first and stretches on her knees to throw it to Ontari who runs up with Allie and Lexa behind her in a slant. Anya positions herself to the left of Allie who starts running up the pitch. Allie sees the open field and knows Lexa's speed is better than hers so she tosses it back to Lexa before being harshly thrown to the ground. Lexa sprints up their right side with a black jersey trailing behind her. She feels the girl on her heels and soon after she feels her hands gripping around her waist to pull her down. She refuses to be taken down, thrashing her elbows out which find purchase with the opponent's cheekbone. Regardless of her efforts the girl brings her down on her right shoulder.

 _"Fuck!"_ Lexa spits out the breath being knocked out of her, managing to keep the ball in her arms. Her muscles ache and spasm telling her to sprawl out for air but she keeps huddled over the ball waiting for her team to catch up. Anya is not far behind and pushes the black jersey off of Lexa but not before the girl lands a fist to her ribs in retaliation. Lexa grunts but lays still while Anya lies on top of Lexa protecting the ball waiting for Echo to come from behind to pick up the ball and continue play.

As soon as Echo scoops up the ball and tosses it back to the safety of their line, Anya lifts off of her.

"Get up!"

Anya grunts and pulls at her jersey for a beat before taking off. Lexa takes a few painful breaths but pushes up despite it. _Get up!_ She takes in sharp breaths as she forces herself up to jog back. Echo has tossed it back to Allie and then to Zoe regaining some composure. Anya makes it back with Lexa not too far behind and runs around Zoe for her to toss it to her on the left side, she catches the ball and lowers her shoulder through a gap, too quick to be stopped, and sprints full on passed it. She makes it through grabby hands and runs for the try. Cen-Den quickly recovers with two after Anya in the break away. But Anya is really fast, beating one leaving the other to barely get her arms around her. They are so close to the try zone. Lexa notices the girl catching up so she kicks into her reserves. Anya falls with the girl on top of her and as soon as Anya is taken down, Lexa lowers her shoulder and with more force than necessary she barrels into the player on top of Anya before she could unwrap. Luckily, the ref doesn't notice her roughness. The player screams out in pain but it's not long after other players arrive to grab at the ball coming loose! Echo pushes Lexa on to Anya for security to retrieve the ball. Anya extends it back in between Lexa's legs. They both scramble up from the ground as their team tosses the ball back to the right side.

"Nice run An, lets go!" She bellows, gripping Anya's forearm pulling her forward before running toward the center. Lexa see's Ontari get taken down, Cen-Den has greatly improved since last year she notes and it's pissing her off.

"Come on!" She encourages.  
Zoe manages to scoop the ball and toss it back to Fox, and then back to Allie.

"Allie!" Lexa yells to her as Allie gets grabbed and whipped around. She manages to use the momentum to whip the ball into Lexa's hands. Lexa tucks it in her right arm and takes off. She has two black jerseys in between her and the try zone; she sticks her arm out at the oncoming player to push her off. Her hands grab and pull at Lexa's jersey and skin but she digs in the ground especially hard with her right foot and pushes roughly with her left arm into the girl's sternum. It's hard and soft at the same time but she digs her fingers in keeping her arm locked and stiff. The girl falls behind giving Lexa the chance to pound her legs ahead, but had slowed down enough to be caught up to and is bashed into by the second girl. Lexa isn't taken down right away, determined and pissed off; she pushes through only a yard away from making it in. The girl wears the number seven and is trying with all her might to yank and pull at Lexa toward the ground. But Lexa is stronger! She recognizes the girl and it's her third time playing against her. She is their rising star and is a very good player. But Lexa is better; she manages to pump her legs into overdrive breaking free from her wrap and in for the try! She immediately falls to the ground dropping the ball rolling onto her back. Her chest rises and falls in rapid succession, she did it. That was a long possession and she has already made a list of things her team needs to work on that could have made that a whole lot easier. The score is now 10-17 North-Den U after Anya makes the conversion. There is a minute left in the scrimmage but Titus calls it.

"All right ladies! Bring it in!"

Lexa peels herself from the ground toward Anya in the middle of the pitch. Anya extends her forearm out for Lexa to grab like she has done so many times before. As soon as Lexa grabs onto it their other hands come across and grip palm-to-palm creating an X with their arms. They pull each other close to breathe for a moment in their space resting their foreheads together almost as if in prayer. One looking on could rightly assume they are praying but they are merely collecting themselves. After every fight or separation during their time in California, they would come back to each other in one piece and do this, thankful for their safety and for always being something to come back to.

"Good game" Anya says after their moment of silence they always give each other.

"Could've been better" Lexa smirks before letting go of her grip to jog toward their impatient coach.

"How's the shoulder?" Anya asks jogging beside her.

"Hurts."

Lexa replies curtly, lifting her shirt up to wipe sweat off her brow revealing her clenching toned abdominals. She doesn't feel like talking about anything right now. The game helped exhaust most of her frustration but she's tired of being the one to fix things. Clarke was in the wrong too and it's not her fault that Harper kissed her and it's not her fault that her sister somehow dated her mom. It's all so ridiculous if she thinks about it but in her life she has learned that most things are, at least in her world. Sometimes she wishes for a life of bunny slippers, hot chocolate, fluffy blankets and Clarke. She wishes that her past was full of nothing but big Christmas events and regretful new years hangovers. But it wasn't, her world is full of tragedy and ridiculous events that seem to plague her existence. Perhaps some people are meant to experience things so succinctly strenuous. Perhaps she will never get to wear bunny slippers… and honestly, she has accepted this notion a long time ago. Her mind circles back to Clarke, the only thing that's filled her dreams up with more possibility than she's ever allowed. They should be communicating not ignoring each other. Before she could get too far into her circling thoughts, Titus speaks.

"Not a bad first match but I expect so much better from you girls! The final score was 17 to 10 but I think it could have been more of a lead. Think about every play and imagine what you could have done differently. Think about where a split decision could have brought you closer to precision and accuracy. I've recorded this game for review on Thursday so start thinking of your own analysis before then. Echo! Great hustle out there, plays that connected would not have happened if it weren't for you close behind every tackle. Allie! You're not present enough in play. I can't tell where you are vital to this team…" He crosses his arms and paces around inside the circle of players. The players all shift on their feet at his critique, afraid of being called out like the others.

"I see potential to be better. There is always room to improve and I can't see everything. So, I want you to hear it from your captain—

"  
Titus steps back into the circle and signaling Lexa to step in,

Lexa!"

She's used to this. All eyes are on her to encourage and criticize the team in its efforts. She isn't afraid to be blunt and she doesn't shy away from the reality of being the leader for those who want nothing more than to follow her into battle. She struts around with her hands behind her back. Her hair still loose from the game allows fly-aways to escape, sticking to her sweat dampened jaw. She clenches it hard as she walks around in the center of the circle. Looking at her teammates in the eye, she replays certain instances of the game as she scans across each face. Her jersey fits her frame with inches to spare. She likes it well fitted. It hugs her muscles just right to where they jut and pull effortlessly at the material.

"I see distractions are getting in the way of our plays on the pitch…" She starts lowly turning on a heel, her ponytail whipping around at every tern.

She sees it in others but mostly she's addressing herself. Lexa is never too good to be absolved of lecture or scrutiny. And today the all need to be reminded of why they are here and what they've worked for these past two years. They are going to win the championship this year.

"This pitch is the place where we all can come together and work towards a common goal. It doesn't matter where we are in our lives, becausewe _all_ know how different we are, this pitch is the one place where we are on the same level, where we can come and throw our anger back into the world! This sport is tough and dirty but it's the mess we seek when every aspect of our lives outside of this world demands us to be perfect and neat! I crave the chaos of this game; I crave the impact it has on my body! This is where we let loose and say 'Fuck the conventions, Fuck the pressure, and Fuck! to the other team who dares to stand in the way of our glory!"

"Sha!" The whole team erupts.

"Do you want to be here?!" Lexa shouts loud, her neck muscles strain against her taut neck.

"Sha!"

"I know we can play better than we played today but that doesn't go without saying that you played well today! We are _all_ here to bring these colors—"

Lexa pulls at her jersey showing the white and red, her arm flexes with determination.

"—to the pitch and prove our worth in wearing them! When we step out there—

She points outward toward the field.

"—I want you to push every doubt out of your mind. I want you to bleed confidence onto the shoes of our enemy causing them to step back in hesitation! We _will_ succeed if we push ourselves passed the limits of our minds. Because before we can fight anyone else we have to fight and win against ourselves! There isn't individual greatness in rugby, we are great because we work together, we trust each other, and most importantly we depend on each other to be there when we're down. Today…" She takes a breath to adjust her tonality.

"Today we weren't our best selves. It felt disjointed. We will review this game on Thursday as coach said but tomorrow in practice I will be pushing each of you farther than you think you can go. Conditioning and tactical skill is our focus tomorrow, so come mentally prepared to push yourselves."

Groans erupt amongst the girls as other's shift closer to their friends to complain in their ear.

"Em Pleni!" Lexa boasts.

"If you believe you played your best today, left it all on the field, then you can excuse yourself from practice all together tomorrow! For those who dare to show up to prove that you are worthy of these colors then come with the attitude to progress! Now bring it in!" Lexa yells for her team to join her fist in the middle. They all huddle together smelling of dirt, sweat and passion for the game. She lowers her voice into a comforting cadence, "These moments we give to each other all come together out on the pitch where it counts and it all comes down to the question, do you want to be a champion?" Lexa puffs up her chest and yells, her veins protruding from her neck.

"NORTH!"

"DEN!" the team yells jumping up and down with buzz and motivation.

"GROUNDERS!" They all shout in unison before they break out in their own "fuck yeahs!"

The Grounders drink water and collect their gear before heading back to the locker room to shower.

In the locker room, the girls are in full yak from the scrimmage. Some talk shit about the girls on the other team, others talk strategy about their own runs and plays, but Lexa stays silent in her own corner. Most of the time the girls avoid including Lexa in conversation. She thinks it's because she's considered an authority figure, which creates a barrier between them. In truth, she doesn't mind at all. She enjoys watching them bond from a distance, not really having much to add to the conversations anyway.  
She rids herself of her sweaty jersey and undergarments, grabs her towel from her locker and makes her way toward the showers. Gliding down the aisles she notices each girl in different stages of leaving to shower at home or slowly readying to shower here. She likes the feeling of being part of a team. It's energizing and assuring to her that she can depend on any of these girls if she needs to. Not particularly on things in her personal life but out there on the pitch or anything school related, these girls will have her back. It's the respect that people yearn for in the every day world that one gets by being part of a team. Broken from her thoughts, one of her teammates walks up to her.

"Hey Lexa!"

She stares on in confusion as to what she could want, but it quickly dawns on her that she's new to the team and doesn't quite know how it works. So Lexa offers her a nod and saunters forward leaving the girl behind. However, the younger girl doesn't get the hint and catches up.

"So, good game out there. I'm so glad I made the team this year. Last year was tough and I made it to the second round before being cut. I worked really hard all summer…" The hope in the girls voice is refreshing. She slows her pace to look at the girl beside her.

"Tris, right?"

The girl nods excitedly. "Well keep working hard and maybe you'll start someday. I've seen you in practice and you have potential. Find what drives you on the field and use that to harness your fear on the pitch."

It's the most Lexa has ever said after a practice, let alone a game, but she feels like she owes the girl a bone. And if she can motivate her to be a better player then she'd say she's doing her job.

She leaves Tris to her thoughts by entering into a shower stall and drawing the curtain. Her muscles are dying to be soaked in hot steaming water and Lexa can't wait to wash the sweat off her body.

Tris stands idle as she hears the shower head turn on in Lexa's stall. She has looked up to Lexa for years. It's Lexa's last year on the team, considering you can only play four years of your college career, and she wants to play at least one game with her before she goes. Tris is sure she'll be first round draft-pick and wants to say she played with the great Lexa Woods.

She looks over to her captain's shower in reverie, glad to even be considered on the same team as her. Not intending to see through the crack of the curtain, she catches a glimpse of the intimidating girl's back. It's adorned with a huge tattoo covering up numerous scars. With a gasp, she whips her head around so fast it guides her feet to follow. The tattoo was intricate and confusing, which adds more to the ever-mysterious commander. It was almost like a tree but as if planets were orbiting its long stature. Tris walks back to her locker with a new admiration and determination to make her proud.

/

Lexa's shower was too short and the day wasn't going according to her plan. When she woke up her mood wasn't doing her any favors; without the potential of Clarke in her day it seemed as though the sun wasn't shining either. Although composed on the outside, she is raging on the inside. Clarke has always been emotional and evasive. The chase has lost its allure but perhaps that's what's kept her in the running for so long. The shower helped but as she stands at her locker now, the daunting day ahead fills her with sadness. It's not that she can't live without Clarke; it's just that she made up her mind a few weeks ago that she doesn't want to.

"Hey, everything okay kid?" Anya walks up next to her in a towel, drying her hair with another.

Lexa rubs her own hair with a towel as she turns toward her sister. "Swell" she retorts.

They get ready in silence for a moment longer before Anya tries a different approach, "Still haven't heard from Clarke huh?"

The blunt approach works causing Lexa to abruptly shut her locker and face her.

"No" She answers while putting her hair up in a bun near the top of her head. It's still damp but she really doesn't want to have to deal with it anywhere near her neck today. When she's irritated Lexa doesn't like for things to touch her neck or wrists. It's a weird aversion she's always had; she never knows where these preferences come from. Her past is littered with possible derivatives.

Not eager to stay for an interrogation, Lexa grabs her backpack and heads out of the locker room toward her noon class. But Anya refuses to let her leave grabbing her wrist to stop her.

"An!" Lexa whips around so fast to yank her wrist free; it twists in Anya's grip causing it to burn. Her heart pounds into her ears. She doesn't want this, this focus on her emotions and of situation. It is what it is and she can't help it, so what is talking going to do? She doesn't like this feeling that contradicts her calm that she loves to hold on to. She hates the rollercoaster of emotions she feels inside and it only makes her angry to validate any of them.

"Don't!"

"Fine!" Anya throws her hands up, "Just don't bottle this up and expect things to solve themselves!" Anya says sternly. She knows Lexa's discomfort with contact when she is frustrated but she is also familiar with her habit at pushing everything down until she acts out.

Lexa takes a deep breath before she turns around to continue her path out into campus. She knows she can't just keep her feelings bottled up but what is she supposed to do when Clarke is the one who needs this space. She can't really work on the problem by herself; if she could she would have confronted it right in the face by now. But in order to respect Clarke's wishes, she has to give her the time she asked for.

Walking down the path to her class' building, she gets her phone out in hopes of at least one message from Clarke. What she finds is surprising.

 **11:28am - Raven**

 _ **Raven**_ _: Hey Lexa! What're you doing on Thursday?  
_ -

Lexa reads a new message from Raven. It isn't completely abnormal to receive a text because they have gotten closer but this feels out of the blue. She checks the time and notices she sent it twenty minutes ago so she decides to reply right away.

 _ **Lexa**_ _: I have class until 5:30 on Thursdays. Why?  
_ -

Just before she can return her phone back into her jeans she feels it vibrate.

-  
 _ **Raven**_ _: Was wondering if you_ _wanted to help_ _me work on my bike?_

 _ **Raven**_ _: It's cool if not, I just remembered you said you wanted to._

 _ **Lexa**_ _: Is it okay if I bring a bike to work on? I have one that needs a bit of work._

 _ **Raven**_ _: Yeah! If we both finish, I can show you this stretch of road that is amazing to ride._

 _ **Raven**_ _: So, Thursday at 7pm meet at my place._

 _ **Lexa:**_ _Sounds good._

Putting her phone away a flicker of a smile pulls at the corner of her mouth. She hasn't ridden a motorcycle in a while and she can't wait to work on hers that's been sitting in the second parking spot of her complex. It's nothing special but she can sure make it so. Thinking about the bike parts she needs, she reaches for the door to Oak Hall wincing in pain before she can get it all the way open. _Ahh._  
She forgot about her shoulder until now. Rubbing it with her left hand, she scolds herself. She really should have stopped by the trainer before leaving the complex but she was too distracted.

"Hurt your shoulder in practice today?"

Ontari steps around her to open the door. She's double majoring in Anthropology and Psychology so she's always studying or involved in extracurricular activities. One could say that Ontari is a star student.

"Um, Nah it's just sore from a hard hit." Lexa will never admit to a weakness, even if it's to someone on her own team.

They both step into the foray, Lexa's eyes avoid Ontari's as she peers over her shoulder. They've both been on the team for years and are considered the veterans, along with Anya and Echo. But Lexa was never one to mingle with her teammates, Anya either. It just wasn't a priority and frankly they weren't used to it, being involved in friendships. Trust was hard to give for the sisters, even though a portion of trust is necessary in rugby, it was an easy switch to turn off once the final whistle blew.

"You played well today…" Lexa tries. She figures she should try harder in other aspects of her life. It's only been a few days but within those days she has realized how much she has invested in Clarke and her groups of friends. She would like to create something of her own that isn't anchored solely within someone else. Despite her willingness to give Clarke that power over her, she doesn't want to feel forlorn. Lexa wants to make an effort to find more of her pieces in other people, not putting all her eggs in one basket, so to speak.

"Thanks Lexa, I—I know that I was a bit distracted but I will do better in tomorrows practice… You're always so focused." Ontari shifts her weight on her feet while her right hand finds comfort rubbing the back of her left.

Lexa blinks at this information and immediately feels guilty. She was definitely not as focused as usual in practice and she was the one that let her emotions get the best of her during play. So many of the girls looked up to her but the fact that her words rang true to Ontari when they were meant to chastise her own faults took her by surprise.

"Oh, don't worry Tar, you played well and I wasn't directing that speech at you. It was a reminder to all of us to consciously push out the unnecessary pressures and use the right ones to motivate us on the pitch—" The commander pauses almost giving a bit of personal information to comfort her but then thinks better of it.

Ontari perks up at the use of her nickname, which the commander never used before. They call her Tar on the rugby team partly because it's in the middle of her name but it was mostly because of her ability to withstand a wrap and tackle, like her heels were dipped in tar. Feeling a little more confident Ontari continues.

"You know, the archives that coach keeps of past games and such? I was thinking about going and studying up a bit on things I can improve on. Would—" She gazes up to see if her inquiry is being accepted well, seeing no disinterest or disgust she goes on.

"Would you want to come hang out and do the same? Maybe give me pointers?"

Lexa adjusts her backpack on her back thinking about her request. It's the closest to hanging out she has ever been with the girl and figures it's best if she starts opening up to her team.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. Text me when you're wanting to do that." She nods.

Ontari nods back with a smile but her smile falls when she realizes she doesn't have Lexa's number. "Um, I have your Grounder chat ID but I don't have your number…"

They have a group chat attached to their school user ID's that allow the players to interact and talk about upcoming games and practices so it was never really necessary to exchange numbers. So Lexa takes out her phone,

"What's your number? I'll text you so you have mine."

Ontari beams and proceeds to list out her number to her captain. As soon as Lexa saves her number under Tar she sends her a text.

"Okay, sent. Just let me know and we can get together." Lexa says while looking at her phone.

The other brunette idles for a bit before realizing the time; she is usually early to class and likes to go over the day's lesson before it begins.

"Well take it easy commander, I'll see you in class." She hurries down the hall toward their mutual class.

Lexa takes her time in the hallway contemplating how she feels about opening up to more people. It was easier to live a semi solitary life, letting limited people in kept things neat and safe. But lately, letting people in has undoubtedly increased her quality of life. Even though her current situation with Clarke is less than ideal, it still feels better than being completely alone. She has plans with Raven and now Ontari, and she feels a little bit warm knowing she has something to look forward to. Before she heads into class she stops at the nearest vending machine to grab a Vitamin Water. This particular machine always has her favorite flavor with açai berries and when she takes the first sip of cold deliciousness she can't help the hum of contentment that resonates from her throat.

/

 **10:02am- RavenClaw**

 _ **Raven**_ _: Are you up yet?_

 _ **Raven**_ _: How was your talk with O?_

 **11:39am  
** _ **Raven**_ _: Griff!_

 **12:00pm  
** _ **Raven**_ _: Did you talk to her last night? I've texted her but she hasn't responded. All good?_

* * *

 _Hey, we need to talk.  
Sorry about yesterday, I didn't have my phone on me.  
I'm sorry, I already told Octavia last night. I didn't see your message_ _!  
_ -

Clarke had been out of her art class for about an hour and has found her favorite spot in between Hickory and Maple Hall under the big oak tree. There is less traffic here because of the split pathway that skirts around the field of trees. Her favorite tree is the eldest in the middle. It has the perfect patch of grass under its shadiest branch. This is where she goes to be a little obscure when she doesn't want to be found.  
Her attempt at texting Raven wasn't going so well as she tilts her head back against the tree. She _knew_ she needed to and promised herself she would by the end of the day but she can't find the right words. Raven is a very passionate person. She has come to find out over the years they've been friends that she follows her heart over her head and it's become an admirable quality. She is the type of friend who will have her back even though she knows that she's in the wrong, the kind of person who she would always want on her side. Clarke's friendship with the mechanic has always been good, whether she can credit this particular underlying secret (not so secret now) as their bonding agent or not; they've never had a fight before. So stepping into this knowing that she screwed up unnerves her, which creates this huge hesitation. Raven has been texting her all morning and every text she gets compounds her guilt.

Clarke exhales a huge breath and lifts her eyes up toward the canopies. She watches the leaves sway from the wind in their mesmerizing dance.

 **12:40pm Group Chat- RavenClaw, Oface, Griffindork**

 _ **RavenClaw:** Bitches! Don't make me hunt you down today. I am very skilled at setting traps for small prey!_

Mustering up the courage she pushes against the tree with her back scraping her shoulder blade against the bark a little and huddles over her phone determined to reply.

 **12:42pm- RavenClaw**

 _ **Griffindork:**_ Hey so, I talked to her a bit last night. She said she would be really busy today and left before me this morning. I would like to talk to you tonight if you're free?

Before she can second-guess herself she hits send. Her head hits back against the tree with a sigh. Tonight is going to be harder than last night for her and she can't seem to organize a coherent thought. She would at least like to create an outline for what she would say to Raven, steering away from excuses while diving into the thick of it. Perhaps, it wasn't just her secret to tell but considering the circumstances she doesn't think it was too wrong of her. Octavia is her oldest friend, the fact that they basically grew up together effects everything. Now that Clarke thinks about it, if they had told her together Octavia would have been more devastated. Seeing them together in a united front, telling her they slept together years ago would have been too aggressive. Clarke reasons with this logic, which eases her guilt marginally. There is no right or wrong way to confront something like this, so she just has to go with it now.

 **12:46pm**

 _ **Raven:**_ _Well she hasn't responded to any of my messages and she usually does. Everything ok? Like, did she say anything to you?_

 _ **Raven:**_ _Yeah we can talk tonight, at my place?_

 _ **Griffindork:**_ _I'll talk to you tonight._

 _ **Raven:**_ _Ok…_

 _ **Raven:**_ _You know, I'd like a heads up if something happened because honestly I feel like something did and you both are avoiding me._

 _ **Griffindork**_ **:** _I don't want to talk about it over text messages Raven. It'll be fine, I will just come over tonight after class. Okay?_

* * *

Fuck. Raven knows something isn't right. _It'll be fine_ , Clarke thinks while trying to keep her breathing regular.

Around 1:15 she gets up from her spot after much contemplation. Her mind jumps to the end of this week when everything should be all said and done. She wishes she could just text Lexa and forget everything that's happened because it doesn't matter anymore. She will get over it and they can bop about happily ever after. But as quick as that desire presents, reality of it all sets in even quicker. She has to do this.  
 _Ugh.._  
She huffs a breath toward the sky absorbing the inevitable. With her phone in hand Clarke makes her way to the walking path toward her pen and ink illustration class. It was a cool day, so her choice in hoodie was validated as soon as a gust of wind picks up around her. And just as the leaves begin to settle, her eyes flick to a familiar brown-headed girl walking to Hickory Hall. She's wearing her red rugby sweats with a black hoodie adorning the North-Den U logo; she looks so cute. Without realizing she's stopped walking all together. Lexa is walking alone with her head tilted down to her feet. At the sight of her backpack a smile spreads evenly across Clarke's face. No matter how many times she's told Lexa that it was bad for her back, she refuses to adjust it. It's endearing, her determination. Lexa is a very strong willed person who stays calm despite the circumstance. Often Clarke feels that she is the one who is freaking out while Lexa is all calm and collected. At times it can be frustrating but most of the time she needs that. It feels solid to her and the fact that she can depend on her stability is comforting. There is a pang in her chest that burns at the thought of her. She wants that comfort and her by her side again. It's a conflicting feeling because she is doing this to herself. Lexa could be next to her right now, guiding her through all the stress of talking to her friends.

She watches her from a distance, noticing how she walks and the way she's staring at her own shuffling feet. It pulls at her heart that she could be causing her any pain. Clarke's feet begin to move again keeping the brunette in full view. Even though it's only been a day, she feels so far away from her. She finds herself wondering closer to Hickory Hall, opposite of her own building, to watch Lexa climb the stairs. What she didn't expect is for the girl to look back behind her as soon as she grabs a hold of the door. They make eye contact and it's like time slows to a whirring halt. It might be because her hearts stops that she can't feel time. Her breath catches in her throat but her eyes never waver. Lexa pauses at the door looking back into blue-steeled eyes. Clarke hopes she isn't upset with her and she soon gets her answer when Lexa waves a small hello accompanied by just as small of a smile. She returns the smile in kind, both stuck in the small moment, feeling it last longer than. Clarke stays standing there for a minute after Lexa turned to step inside. It was a good sign. If anything, the simmering feeling in her chest told her so.

/

She arrives at Raven's house around eight in the evening. Not sure how long this conversation would last; she dropped by the Houston Hut to shower and change for the night. She hoped that hot running water would ease her anxiety but to her discontent, it was without avail. Her toes clench inside her worn Converse and her palms can't regulate their own temperature, sending them far into slick city. Raven sits two cushions away waiting patiently for her explanation. Octavia and Clarke have ignored her all day and she demands an explanation—At least to ease the nagging feeling in her stomach.

Clarke takes a sip of the beer Raven provided to soothe her dry throat, "So um, I talked to Octavia last night about a lot of things."

She takes another sip before setting it down, "First off though, I just want to say that I want you guys to tell me things even if it will hurt me. You know the saying 'the truth can set you free'? Well I think it really can. If I had known Harper had kissed Lexa, then maybe I wouldn't have felt the way I did. I mean, I… I don't think that I reacted fairly considering that something similar happened to me—

"It was nowhere near similar Clarke!" Raven interjects, "Lexa voluntarily did a body shot off of Harper, I mean I love the girl to death but when you put yourself in a position like that, what else do you expect?" Raven's face shifts, "Bellamy forced himself on you in your room and in no way did you lead him to believe that it was okay, did you?!"

Clarke looks down to her damp hands in her lap and shakes her head, " _no…"_

"So it's not nearly the same. I still can't believe that shit Clarke… I'm sorry I wasn't there…"

"Nooo, Ray it's okay. I—it's fine. Nothing happened…and Lexa was there so even if—

Even if it did then she was there…" Clarke repeats. She tries hard not to think about what could have happened. Talking about that night doesn't get easier and the more she thinks about it, subsequently the more stupid she feels. She can't help it. It's not that she blames herself or is finding ways to justify his actions; it's just utterly ridiculous that it got to that point. Despite her relationship with Finn, Clarke finds herself more attracted to women and in no way did she offer Bellamy more than a confused kiss after a devastating tragedy.

"You know when they say to look out for the ones with aggressive behavior, it'll be apparent in his actions of what kind of man he is? Well that's not always true. The ones that will hurt you are usually the one's closest to you. I don't think we can predict these things, I mean yeah most of the time we can but moments like this one, you couldn't have known he was capable of taking something that wasn't his. It's the passive aggressive ones that we really should be aware of. The one's that silently hope and wait for things to happen for them, ignoring all the signs that say they won't. And eventually they just end up taking it because in their heads they deserve it or some shit. Like they built trust in this fantasy…" Raven trails off realizing she was rambling on about a sensitive subject.

"Clarke?"

The blonde jerks her head up at the sudden interruption of her thoughts, "hmm?"

"Is everything okay?"

The look Raven gives her is of pure concern and it breaks her resolve. Her eyes begin to water involuntarily. She drops her head down to avoid those round brown eyes.

"Yeah, I'm… just overwhelmed," she exhales honestly. She heard what Raven was saying but she couldn't help but zone out. She would rather get this out than focus on what happened to her with Bellamy. Capitalizing on her courage she decides to just say something.

"And…I need to tell you something" She clears her throat trying to find the right words. Her heart pounds rampantly against her rib cage, ardent in it's warning. Daring one last look at the mercy in her eyes, she mutters her confession "Octavia knows…" it's said with such a low whisper she gets a crawling fear that she might have to repeat herself. She hopes Raven can get what she means by just those two words.

Silence.

The kind of silence that sounds so loud it reverbs into her eardrums. Clarke doesn't want to look up but she does eventually, only to find Raven staring at her. No, she is more like staring through her, not even caring to blink the shock out of her eyes.

She continues to speak, "Uh, I got your text messages after I talked to her. I kind of left my phone at home all day because I needed space and didn't check it until I went to sleep." Clarke takes a deep breath; Raven still sits there expressionless.

So she tries to continue, "So I've felt guilty all day for telling her without you but then I started to think that it might've been the best… Because if we told her toge—

"How did she react?"

Raven's voice was small but it cut through so sharply, melting the blonde's conviction. Her shoulders straightened up at her friend's sudden question and unwavering stare.

"Um, she was really upset." She divulges while twisting her fingers together, "She said that she asked you about it back then and you said that nothing really happened. I told her that we didn't know who we were at the time and that if I had known, it would have been different."

At this Raven focuses her gaze into Clarke's dark blue piths, "so you regret it then?" A little more bite to her voice this time.

"What? No! I don't regret it Raven…"

"Then what? You decided that it was your duty to tell my girlfriend that we slept together the first night we met?" The cadence in her voice is cold, yet she flinched at the world girlfriend, surely having said it for dramatic effect.

This is not how she expected her to react, well she had no idea how she would react but the anger she feels coming from the girl is surprising, probably because she has never been on this side of Raven's wrath.

"No…I was telling her that I needed you both to trust me that I can handle anything you have to tell me and to not keep secrets so I just thought that—

"You thought that you'd go ahead and tell her something that could potentially ruin our relationship, let alone our dynamic as a whole?! Clarke! Don't you think that it was something that I should tell her if you didn't think that we should do it together?!" By now Raven's face has turned red and her eyes have become blood shot.

Clarke scoots further into the couch as if to lessen the harsh words coming out of her friend. She tries to utter a retort but her throat closes up, "I—"

"Since we aren't keeping secrets anymore, I guess I can tell you that I kissed Finn but it was before I knew you two were dating. I'm sure you can handle it though."

Raven gets up from the couch taking her beer and storms off into her downstairs garage.

What the fuck just happened. Clarke sits completely still. Minutes go by without movement, if feels as though she hasn't taken a breath either. Did she say what she thought she said?

Clarke had to repeat the sequence of events over and over in her head before she could fully grasp the words. _Raven and Finn? What…_

The news washes through her with confusing waves of hurt and understanding.

" _Okay_ …" She whispers in between labored breaths. This was becoming a different beast entirely; everyone in her life seems to be tangled up with each other. Disgustingly so, but on the other hand she can believe it. Every person she holds dear has similar characteristics that make him or her compatible. It's inevitable to happen, overlapping of lovers and crushes. But this was pulled from so deep in the past, Clarke isn't sure it is affecting her as it should. She should be angry; she should be hurting or at least sad that neither of them had told her all these years. It's fine. It's in the past and if she wants Raven to forgive her for telling Octavia their secret, so she can forgive Raven for whatever the hell this is.

Clarke pushes herself off the couch toward the door that leads her to the hurting girl. Before she turns the knob, she takes another breath already feeling her chest constrict threatening to deliver uneven palpitations. She opens the door silently as to not startle her away. As soon as she makes it to the bottom of the stairs, she looks over to the tinkering mechanic hands deep in one of her projects.

"Ray…" She tries.

The brunette bunkers down managing to make more noise that seems rather pointless but what does she know, she knows nothing about wrenches and bolts. Since words weren't doing her any justice today, she decides to take action. Clarke walks over to Raven, who is trying really hard to work on the smallest thing in order to be completely out of vision. Extending her hand, Clarke reaches out and rests her hand over Raven's to stop her actions, which caused her to immediately drop her socket wrench.

Raven looks up through teary eyes, her lips move to say something but only air escapes. She's hurt and she's afraid.

"Raven… It's okay."

It didn't matter to Clarke in this moment because she realized the only thing that truly mattered now was getting her friends back.

The mechanic's chin twitched inward as if taken aback of the ease in which Clarke accepted what she had told her.

"If it's true, it's okay." Clarke shifts to rub at Raven's back to facilitate her into acquiescence.

Clarke's proximity and gentle nature causes Raven to shake her head back and forth, tears pooling on the edges of lashes.

"It's not…" she mutters through a wet mouth.

"Shh…." Clarke coos, "I'm sorry Ray."

Raven manages a wet laugh, lifting the back of her hand to wipe her tears away.

"Is it true?"

The brunette lowers her head in shame and shakes her head slowly, " _No."_

Clarke stills her hand, "Then why would you say that?" She asks with a knitted brow.

Raven shrugs her shoulders while pulling away to stare at the wall, one arm on her hip the other on her hairline.

"I don't know…cause I'm an asshole?" She slowly turns as she replies. "I shouldn't have said that, it's not fair—In the moment, I wanted to hurt you because I was hurt…"

Raven grimaces, "I regretted it as soon as I said it, you have to believe me Clarke."

"It's fine." Clarke really didn't really know how to respond; everyone responds differently to hurt. However, it's getting hard to be the better person and mend all that's broken. A certain part of Clarke just wants to run away.

"Look, I just wish you'd talked to me first. I feel betrayed." She itches her scalp, "I'm sorry I said what I did but I'm mad Clarke. Octavia should have heard it from me and now it's out of my hands."

Clarke understands, she really does. But it doesn't make it easier. Raven is mad, Octavia is avoiding her and she doesn't want to go running to Lexa with her problems when she asked for space. She turns on her heel with a deep sigh and heads straight for the couch across the room. Sitting down resting her head in her hands she speaks, "I get that Raven, but I also had the right to tell her too. And I don't regret it. I really don't but I do feel guilty for telling her without your consent. But I've known Octavia for a very long time and I don't want to lose her just as much as you…"

No longer able to hold back her tears they begin to fall. "I don't know what I'm doing but everything is falling apart around me and I can't do anything but not drown in it all. I hope you can see my side and forgive me. We need to work together on this Ray."

"yeah…" the brunette nods her head. After a few sluggish minutes, Raven makes her way over next to Clarke on the couch.

"Isn't it ironic that this all began on a couch and now here we are…" Her attempt at humor fell flat on Clarke who responds with a forced smirk.

With a sigh, which seems to be the common currency tonight, Raven tries again. "It'll be ok, Clarke. It'll take time but we will all be ok again." She says wrapping an arm around her hunched over back.

Clarke turns her head in her hands to look at the girl who has helped her through so much, the main thing being her identity. Her words give little comfort but it still feels nice to hear her say that it'll be all right. Little did anyone know, Clarke struggled with the complex idea of who she is, because back then she fought it tooth and nail. Now she uses her tooth and nail for all sorts of devious ventures and she can contribute her confidence to Raven. After that night, they didn't stop talking. In fact, they started talking a lot more than they let on. At first it was to assuage Octavia into submission on the matter of their scandal. But what started off as awkward ended up being a comfortable companionship. Raven learned that she was Clarke's first—first girl, first lay, and first experience that Clarke would consider risky. It was overwhelming for the brunette because it put so much pressure on her, even though she already performed, she felt she had to live up to being the first. Clarke, however, insisted it wasn't a big deal. She had kissed boys and a girl before, so it wasn't all a first. Since then, Raven was her go to when it came to her feelings for the same sex, to answer questions like, 'how do I know she likes me back?' to 'do all girls taste the same?' It was strange at first for the brunette, being close to her best friend's best friend. But soon enough, they all ended up at the same college and became the attributed trifecta. And it was okay; they were happy and forever tied to one another in more ways than one.

Clarke looks to the girl across from her, studying her face, accounting for the way it has changed over the years. It was once so round her cheek bones barely made it out but now, it's almost all she can see, especially when she smiles. Her brown eyes held softness to them that Clarke could always see, even when she was angry. That's how she always knew it would be okay, fearful for the day that it disappeared.

" _Okay"_ She whispers through her fingers splayed over her mouth.

"I'm sorry" she follows up with a little more strongly, not knowing why she was apologizing because she isn't sorry for telling Octavia, she guesses she's apologizing for making Raven her person. Don't get her wrong, Octavia is her best friend and always will be. But Raven… Raven is her person. The steady stream in which she counts on to always be there to calm her, to understand her wild nature when it gets to be too much, to tell her just like how it is with little to no bullshit. That's the Raven she loves and the one she never wants to lose.

"You don't have to be." Raven scoots closer, opening her arms for a hug, which Clarke readily accepts.

With blonde hair ticking her cheek she says, "I'll always be here for you."


	25. Chapter 25

**Ch. 4 - Icarus  
**

The next day came and went with an unfocused lens, blurring the purpose of her day. She lies in bed after class, fists sore from her venture the night before; the feeling of red taught skin over her raw knuckles feels freeing. She clenches and unclenches her fists repeatedly just feeling how the skin pulls. The pain sits well in her muscles, her free lesson at the Highlands Ranch UFC gym went exceptionally well leading her to sign up for a year's membership. She has never felt completely in control of herself, one could blame her upbringing but she didn't. Octavia understood herself more than anyone would or could, half the reason she wanted to major in psychology was to help herself and others like her. Joining a gym was her trying to fix something within herself but honestly she just wanted to hit something. Like, sometimes she has complete control over her emotions and other times she has a tendency to over-react, acting out in ways where later she analyzes as inane and impulsive. She wants to be in control and often times she wonders if that's what everyone wants—to be in control. Of course that's nearly impossible on the external world but she wonders if it's just as impossible to have full control of the internal one. Feelings can be controlled, right? Well this is her effort in that venture, for sense of control, for stability—for clarity.

Her room is dark save for the night-light tucked behind her closet door and the whites of her eyes. She can't sleep because all she can imagine is her best friend's hands all over Raven. It makes her shiver in a way most uncomfortable causing her to grip at her sides.

She can't sleep.

She can't stand to be awake either!

Octavia turns violently in her bed, burying her face into her pillow to scream. She knows that they didn't mean to hurt her and couldn't forecast this but _god damnit! Why did they have to sleep together!_

Her thoughts run away from her, imagining who did what, if they ever think back to that night, and how they could go years without telling her. They've graduated high school and college, shared beds, clothes and secrets, yet this was there the whole time. Octavia feels a little foolish, like she has been the butt of a joke for six years. She knows she has to talk to them eventually. Clarke looked extremely solemn when she arrived home earlier tonight; she was on the couch watching Clueless wrapped up in her comforter. Normally she would have joined her, being that it was one of her favorite movies, but she could only spare a glance toward the blonde before heading to her room. She decides to plan a night for all three of them so they can talk and clear the air; hopefully she will get some answers to her questions that her imagination is running away with.

/

It's cooling down outside as dusk takes over the day's shift. It's been three days since she has heard anything from Clarke and her doubts are starting to root. But she pushes them to the back of her mind because she would wait forever for her; she believes this with every fiber of her being (even if she didn't want to, she'd wait). With a deep sigh she pulls her jean overalls over her boy shorts and black tank top. Lexa is getting ready to head over to Raven's to work on her motorcycle while her sister raids her fridge.

"You know, I don't know why you kept that old thing so long. It's not even that good of a bike." Anya comments while her bottom half sticks out of the fridge.

Lexa pokes her head out of her room, "It _will_ be a great bike after I'm done with it! And I think it's a decent bike!"

She hasn't tried to start it in over a year so it really is a project but she doesn't mind, she's looking forward to building something from the ground up and riding it back into the ground. She ties each combat boot slowly and tightly; making sure that there is no chance for one shoelace to come undone. There's a buzz that resides under her belly. She isn't sure if it's excitement or nerves humming but she decides that it's good to feel both. A small part of her thinks that being near Raven is like being near Clarke, since she is her best friend. Another small part of her feels as though she needs to watch what she says and does because Raven's confidence is Clarke's and not hers. Maybe they can be friends but she knows that Raven is ultimately there for Clarke. That's why she feels the need to build friendships that can be hers and only hers. Not that she doesn't feel accepted by Raven and Octavia, it's that they have loyalty and will most likely take her side regardless of situation. And Lexa wants that kind of loyalty; she wants to earn that on her own from those who will do the same for her. She's glad that Clarke has friends like them.

Anya grabs another beer and with a satisfied hum she pops the tab, "So, is Clarke going to be at Raven's?" She asks nonchalantly while walking into the living room taking a few big gulps.

There's a bit of silence before she hears a short negative response.

Anya flops on the couch making herself at home like she usually does. Wherever she's at she tends to take liberties that her own home grants her. It's not that she isn't mindful, she just feels comfortable in her own skin, enough to exude it everywhere.

"Well, I've been thinking… Yo, you listening little sis?!" she hollers.

Lexa walks out from the room half way done getting ready, "What?"

"I've been thinking—"

"Wow, is it hard?" Lexa jests.

"Shut the fuck up before I get up from this couch!" She spouts as she points her finger.

The younger girl raises her hands in surrender accompanied by a playful smile. "Okay what have you been thinking _Anya_?" She asks with mock interest.

"Well, the other day when we were talking about Clarke… I consoled you instead of telling you what I really thought." She sits up straight to look at Lexa in the eye.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I think Clarke hasn't put you first since the day we met in the hospital. Everything that you've told me recently has been about what she wants and needs. And the one time you do something that you needed to do, she shuts you out. When has she done something selfless for you? When has she chased after you? It all seems one sided and I honestly can't think of why you let her pull and push you like that. One minute she wants you and the next minute she isn't ready. Like, all her friends dote on her and she's the center of it all. Maybe she likes the attention or something." Anya ends her tirade by taking a long swig of her pale ale.

"Don't talk about her like that…She's been through a lot." Lexa defends. She thinks back to that day she ran away from everything. There wasn't a singular reason she left town without telling anyone. It was a cacophony of things.

"So have you though"

"Anya, I've done plenty wrong and it's not a matter of what she's done for me. It's about understanding what's at stake. I don't want to lose her again. I want to give her as much time as I can to come back to me. She waited for me and I turned my back on her. I don't want to repeat the past; I want to be different."

"You were taking care of yourself! I hardly say that's turning your back on her. You needed time to heal from Costia. The only thing you should have done was communicate with her but you can't blame yourself for protecting your heart." The older sister says.

Lexa doesn't like to talk about the past that much but Anya doesn't mind so it's only fair to allow it; she was there through it all. Back then, opening her heart when it was so recently betrayed was impossible, despite her own desire to. The pressure to be all right, to move on, and to love again was paralyzing. She needed time to build herself back up before giving anymore away, so she understands Clarke's need for time.

"Even so, I went about it all wrong. I'm not going anywhere this time An. I don't want to be alone anymore…"

"And what if she's the one who leaves this time?"

Lexa doesn't know how to answer. It's never been about how much one does for the other. It's not like she's the only one giving. She has tried following her head before and that got her nowhere, so now she's trying to follow her heart and that's given her opportunity.

This opportunity.

It's hurting her now more than it's helping but Clarke promised so she will give her a chance to keep that promise. But maybe Anya is right. She has always been there for her, no matter what. Lexa trusts her more than anyone. Maybe she should take steps back and protect herself at all costs.

"I don't know Anya," She mumbles as her defeated feet shuffle toward the bedroom to finish getting ready. Clarke could decide to leave her. She wouldn't blame her for it because it's been tough. Lexa tries to think back at the overall scope of their relationship, whether she's made her happy more often than sad. She attempts to weigh it out in her head.

"It just sounds like you're doing all the work!" Anya shouts from the couch. She understands what Clarke went through all those years ago but this is now and regardless of what happened the past few days, Lexa deserves more than this. She deserves better.

Lexa storms back into the living room, "If I didn't betray her trust two years ago, maybe I would agree with you! But I fucked up An!" she yells, bothered by her sister's words. She just won't let up. Her guilt has always weighed heavy on her for abandoning Clarke like that, leaving without saying a word and ignoring her texts and calls for weeks. She just couldn't bring herself to face her.

"I left her because I was stuck in my old ways. I couldn't handle being vulnerable; I had to protect myself! I couldn't be who she wanted me to be!" She lowers her expressive arms having exhausted all her spare energy.

"I know…" Anya assents.

"But why can't I be enough? I want to be enough for her now, so why can't I try this time?" Her muscles release their hold on her head causing it to drop. It feels like she's trying to hold onto love in the middle of a war. Every battle waged gives less and less room for feeling such a luxury.

"Hey, hey…you are trying!" She soothes setting her beer down on the coffee table before making her way over to her. With a hand on her shoulder she comforts Lexa, "I envy you for fighting for love. I think it could be the real deal but all I'm saying is don't let love blind you from who you are. You can't help whom you love, but Lexa…this whole moping around waiting for someone to hold your hand thing, isn't you. I don't like that she has this power over you. What's the number one rule I've taught you? "

She dips down to catch her sister's green eyes, "hmm?"

"Protect yourself at all times." Lexa grumbles.

Anya nods with a smile releasing her hand from Lexa's shoulder, "Protect your heart kid, because you are all you've got in the end. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, I'm just saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best."

And with that, Anya leaves her little sis to think. She meanders back to the couch and resumes her show on Netflix with her feet propped up on the coffee table.

"Now leave before I change my mind about you borrowing Charlie."

Lexa clenches her jaw and proceeds to leave with a whirlwind of thoughts and unspoken words trailing behind her. She thinks about everything as she makes her way downstairs toward the old Chevrolet pickup. The motorcycle is already secure in the back, thanks to Anya's help. Of course her help didn't come without a price. For borrowing her truck, she had promised an introduction to Raven, a six-pack of Dale's Pale Ale, and a down payment on a tattoo appointment. It was a hard bargain but she whittled it down from a whole tattoo payment, a date with Raven and her favorite pair of boots that Anya has had an eye on for years. A petite smile appears on her face at the thought of their haggle, she's sorry for whoever has to deal with Anya as her future partner. Anya is without a doubt the strongest igneous being she's ever learned to know.

Right next to the most illustrious flame her heart has ever learned to love. Cue Clarke's montage in Lexa's mind. Her smile is what brings the sun out after a long dark night and her eyes— my god; her eyes could lift spirits from their grave. Lexa swears that Clarke's eyes are windows to a world she wishes this one would be. It's magical, for lack of a better word but when she sees azure rays aimed at her, her organs work harder and her fingertips become electric. That's a feeling she wishes she could experience all the time and so her solution is to be around Clarke all the time. She just wishes she could shrink the space between them so she can fix it already.

Pulling her consciousness out from her thoughts, she realizes that she's already on Raven's street, which scares her a bit because that happens a lot. She isn't sure if it's muscle memory or her subconscious but sometimes she gets so deep in her thoughts that she goes on autopilot, 'waking up' amidst the drive to realize she's in a new area. She tries to pay attention and be safe most of the time but she often plans things out in her mind, which can be distracting. Lexa likes to think of different scenarios and plans her actions accordingly; to always have a plan is to always stay alive. Now it's more of a habit than it is for survival but it's something that she prides herself in. She puts the truck in park and sits for a bit thinking about who she is and how that differs to who she is with Clarke; she wants to be _that_ Lexa. She wants to be better. Before she texts Raven of her arrival, she starts to think of scenarios in how this hang out will go. After she's satisfied with her plans of action she takes a deep breath in preparation.

-

 **6:58pm- Raven**

 _ **Lexa:**_ _I'm here.  
_ _ **  
Raven:**_ _You see that driveway to the right of the garage?_

 _ **Lexa:**_ _Yeah, you want me to drive down it?  
_ _ **  
Raven:**_ _It would be easier to wheel your bike down it. There is a bit of a decline and then a left turn. You'll see me.  
_ _ **Raven:**_ _Do you need any help?_

 _ **Lexa:**_ _No, I got it! See you in a sec.  
_ \- 

Lexa pulls a 4x4 out of her truck and wedges it against the concrete at an angle for a makeshift ramp. She untethers the tie-downs before carefully rolling her old Honda down. As she makes her way down the driveway, she looks at Raven's neighborhood. Last time she was here, she was distracted by the stink of Bellamy's ego. The neighborhood has a lot of open space, stretches of land between each house, which is easily big enough for another abode to fit in. When Lexa rounds the corner, she spots Raven in her garage with a huge barn like door slid open to reveal a room she's seen before.

"Woah… I didn't know this could open up. Has it been able to this whole time?!" Lexa asks while eyeing its construction.

Raven laughs at her reaction but her eyes are glued to her bike.

"Well well well, someone is into Café Racers hmm?"

She walks closer to look at Lexa's bike, "And yeah, I knocked down the wall in my den to make room for my cars and bikes. That garage up there is mainly for storage, but this is where the magic happens!" She extends her arm back around her at her workshop, adorned with every tool imaginable organized on the walls and in tool chests.

"I didn't notice it before…" Lexa inquires, still confused as to how she didn't notice a big possible exit/entrance. That's one of the main things she looks for when she enters a place.

Raven looks behind her, "Oh!" she chuckles, "that's probably because I had Clarke paint brick on it from the inside so it looks like the rest of the room. I have tools hanging from the door as well, so you probably couldn't tell."

Lexa wheels her bike inside the den and parks it in order to take a look at the illusion, still a little stumped as to why she didn't see it before. But as soon as she slides the door a little towards her, she understands. Clarke's attention to detail is uncanny. It looks like it should feel like brick but it's definitely solid steel. Lexa gets lost in the details while Raven pulls her bike in to put on a workstation.

"So you've been holding onto a 1980-ish CB650?" Raven twists her face into a judgmental mockery.

Lexa smiles because she knows it's an awkward looking bike because of its longer forks and lowered shocks but she has put work into it and it's starting to look exactly how she envisioned.

"Hear me out though… I know it's a little awkward but I have this idea in my head for it that I think would look really good."

She helps Raven fit the bike into her workstation before expanding her thoughts, "So here," Lexa points toward the back end, "I want to fit 13.5 inch shocks to raise the back end and lower the forks by a few centimeters, then the stance will fit better. I figured I could rebuild and rebore the engine…"

Raven nods her head as she listens and butts in her two cents, "Ok yeah, I think we can definitely restore this engine, although it looks kind of tired…Does it have a lot of miles on her?"

Lexa shakes her head, "not really, I think less than ten thousand, the owner wasn't sure because it was his husbands that had passed away."

"Anyways, I was wondering if you could help me perk up the power a little more? Maybe with a new filtration system and a carburetor?"

Raven bounces a bit on her heels clapping her hands together. She feels giddy and excited that she has someone to talk shop with. It's an expansion into a world that's been kept in her head all these years because one, she liked it that way and two; Clarke and Octavia aren't really gear heads. They don't like grease and they would rather go outside on a trail than stay stuck indoors smelling like oil. However, Raven loves the smell and can get lost in metal, moving around a piece for hours adding and subtracting from it.

After staring at Lexa's bike a bit she offers a suggestion, "What do you think about adding a brat-style tail section, I can totally teach you to construct it…" Raven walks around the bike as she speaks. " I love the clip-on handlebars you added. I think the 'wheelbarrow' bars come standard on these things?"

Lexa nods her head; her arms are crossed with her chin in her hand. Observing the bike with Raven is exciting, to have someone who can push this bike further than she could imagine is filling her with joy. She scratches her chin before speaking, "So I was thinking about changing the exhaust to a 4-into-2 with Emgo mufflers… Would that look okay?"

"Oh shit! Yeah, that would look badass! Okay, so shit. We have work to do!"

Raven leads Lexa over to her array of tools and starts showing her where everything is. It's a bit overwhelming because the darker girl is talking really fast but Lexa keeps up, temporarily forgetting about all her problems. This is exactly what she needed.

/

After a few hours and several beers later, Lexa and Raven are well into their own projects on their individual bikes. Raven's workshop has tools that Lexa didn't know existed so finding a place to start was difficult for her at first but she decided on disassembling her motorcycle completely before anything else. All the previous work she had done on her bike would either be reconstructed or reengineered.

The jukebox in the back plays loud motivating music while they work.

watch?v=9ohsfdAvP0g

Deep in her element, Raven tries to fight the worry from entering the forefront of her mind. She was completely content in the first couple of hours but now that her mind is settling in, she begins to think about Octavia. It's been radio silence since Clarke told her about their past and now being this close to Lexa with this half emerged secret weighs heavy on Raven's conscience. Since Clarke told Octavia, it's only fair that she gets to tell Lexa right? This logic crosses her mind more than twice but she never grabs hold of it. She can't cause more waves in an already choppy ocean. It wouldn't be fair… but yet it crosses her mind again to woman up and let Lexa know that she and Clarke had sex years ago. She starts psyching herself up with different phrases she could use to get it out casually, _"Hey, Lexa. You know I can probably get 63 hp from 626cc with that rebuild, which is pretty good even by today's standard and Clarke and I had sex junior year of college but I'm glad that we are all getting so close, Ya know? We are such good fam, want to borrow this killer wrench, the handle is made of space steel."_

She snorts at herself at the utter failure at her attempt to hide the confession in shoptalk. Raven shakes her head further convinced she shouldn't say a damn word. But her mind tries to find a scenario in which her words didn't sound so awful.

" _So listen, I just want to let you know that I cherish our friendship and I'm so glad that the fact that Clarke and I have had interrelations doesn't get in the way. Because it wasn't a big deal, I mean it was great. But it was so far in the past that, shit…"_ She stops herself there because nothing she's saying in her head is working and no matter how she spins it, it's like a bomb going off in the middle of an unsuspecting village, it just doesn't sit well. Despite her reluctance, she engages Lexa in conversation.

"So Lexa, how have you been?" She manages to ask without spilling any beans.

At first Lexa doesn't register that Raven has asked her a question, but after listening to the echo in her brain she realizes... "Oh, um…" She turns and gives the girl a look that screams, " _Are we really doing this?"_

"Yeah, I'm good." She replies quickly before turning back to her work. Lexa isn't interested in divulging anything that might get back to Clarke. Even if Raven genuinely wanted to know, this isn't what she came over here for. She came to get her hands dirty and forget about how she is. Her stomach wrenches along with her hand's on her bike because she has the urge to ask a million questions regarding Clarke. She knows that Raven has answers but she doesn't want to push her luck. She's trying really hard to give the blonde the space she asked for.

"Well, I'm just asking because I…" Raven gets stuck on her reasoning but she just opts for the truth, "I'm your friend too and I think you could use someone to talk to about things. I mean… I know what's going on so you wouldn't really have to explain everything."

Lexa nods while trying her best to listen and not be rude about her disinterest in sharing. She isn't used to people being this close to her to ask these kinds of questions other than Anya. Even then, she shrugs her off if she gets too close for comfort.

Determined, Raven turns down the music and tries again. " Hear me out Woods, I know you can handle your shit. But I'm letting you know that I wouldn't tell Clarke whatever it is we discuss because we're friends now. So, like… with that, I want you to know that I'm here for you. And no matter what happens from here on out, I hope that we can stay friends." Not sure where all this sentiment came from, she cringes in hopes it's received well. A part of her credits it to her guilt she feels about what Lexa will surely soon find out but the other part really cares for the girl and she realizes that Lexa doesn't have that many friends she can talk to.

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, replaying all the caring words in her head. It's nice to hear, especially from one of Clarke's closest friends. Raven is quickly becoming one of her favorite people. But it doesn't feel like she can truly confide in her; she wouldn't want Raven to be stuck in the middle.

"Yeah…I appreciate that. But I just want to get my hands dirty and work on this." She points to what she's doing and offers a small smile.

Raven deflates but she gets it so she nods her head and turns back around toward her own bike. Green eyes notice the quick change in her demeanor remembering that she promised herself that she would open up more, she scolds herself for closing off so quickly. She needs to work on building friendships not breaking them down.

"You know…" She starts, turning her full attention toward the dark haired mechanic, " It's been hard."

Her ponytail swings around and is followed by eager brown eyes, clearly happy that she decided to take her up on her offer to talk. She feels that if she can get to know her better it won't be so bad when the truth comes out. Inviting her to continue, Raven nods her head.

Upon seeing Raven's elation, Lexa quirks a smile and continues, "Well, I've been giving her space like she asked for and it's hard." Jesus, opening up is harder than she thought. Putting the way she feels into words is difficult for her. She chews on her lip before finding more words to attribute, "For the past year or so I've catered to her needs because of what I did. I know that I messed up. But…I can't help but feel a little jaded." She lifts her head to find concern etched on Raven's face so she quickly rectifies,

"No, I mean…I'm not saying that I'm tired of fighting for her. Clarke is everything to me but I can't help but feel like I can't do anything right." Lexa rests her elbows on her knees to lean forward so her eyes can shift into a blank stare below Raven's gaze.

She feels conflicted yet so sure that Clarke is it for her. It's a strange feeling for Lexa, to be full of love and dwindling hope. Her mind stretches to a distant future where Clarke isn't with her, when the days run on with no relevance of time. She can see her life as it could be without her and it's a hell on earth she'd rather not visit, however if Clarke wished her there she would endure it. With a sigh she fiddles with the wrench in her hands waiting for her newfound friend to say something, anything to save her from herself.

Raven observes her for a moment: shoulders are slumped, her brow knitted, her breaths are distressed and she's nervously playing with the tool in her hand. The truth isn't in question because she can tell that Lexa is being genuine. The most interesting thing she observes is the cadence of her voice when she speaks of Clarke. Even though she's speaking in doubt, the inflection is so full of tenderness, so full of…

"You really care about her," Raven concludes.

Lexa pauses momentarily before nodding her head over and over as if it could never confirm that statement enough times.

"I do," she eventually says softly. After a beat she looks up into Raven's eyes and accentuates, " _so_ much."

Straightening up, Lexa sets down the wrench she's been twirling to speak clearly "she's special. She isn't like anyone else. I don't want to lose her…"

"Then why did you kiss Harper?"

Before Raven could stop herself, her blunt loyalty rears its ugly head. She gulps at the sudden outburst but doesn't take it back because Lexa hurt Clarke and that's all she can focus on. The inebriated part of her mind is pumping its fist in the air for her loyal bravery trying to find any truth for her best friend's honor. From where Raven's standing throughout all this, the space Lexa is enduring now could have been avoided.

Lexa chokes on her breath, not expecting such a direct question with a taste of accusation. She clears her throat to reply but nothing comes to mind so she takes a huge sip of her warm beer to buy her time. What a ridiculous question to ask because she didn't kiss Harper. She didn't and she wouldn't. Of fucking course, the minute she opens up is the minute Raven takes the chance to defend Clarke.

"I didn't kiss her." She voices softly but sternly.

"But you _did_ do a body shot off of her…"

The atmosphere in the room suddenly shifts into something else entirely, feeling cornered Lexa sits back in her stool eyeing Raven like she's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her head begins to shake side to side in disbelief.

This apparently triggers some audacity in the darker haired girl as she nods her head in response, "yes, Lexa. You did. I saw the whole thing. And maybe it was my mistake for not telling Clarke right away but I saw the situation you put yourself in. You might not have wanted it but as soon as Clarke was out of sight you were doing a body shot off of another girl. How does that look?!"

Raven doesn't yell but her voice is powerful and protective. She understands that Clarke needs her space but she doesn't understand why these two people that clearly love each other can't find solid ground. These two idiots cause chaos because of their own insecurities. She sees Lexa dip her head in her hands still shaking it back and forth minutely.

"Why did you do it?" she prods.

"I didn't! I didn't kiss her! She kissed me!" Her hands fling out from holding her face to up in the air with indignation. "I—Clarke doesn't know what she wants and I don't want to stand in the way if she wants _him_ or anyone else! I'm not used to this!" she clenches her fist and rubs her chest as if it's in pain. "I didn't want to do it, I don't want her…or anyone else…Harper was coming onto me so strong, I kept trying to avoid her but I..."  
There was no excuse for why but even after it happened she went to find Clarke, she wanted to kiss Clarke not Harper. And when she found her, she saw the one thing that she feared. Clarke and Bellamy in her room tightly embraced with their lips against each other. It took but a millisecond to break all hopes of them being together, she believed right then that it was over for them. So the fact that this kiss with Harper is still a matter of discussion is fucking stupid. When she thinks about it now, she can't even remember how it happened. She credits her actions to a series of events. Maybe it _was_ her jealousy that steered her into retaliation or maybe it was because she was weak, too considerate, and too soft. It clicks in her mind that maybe all these feelings are making her easily manipulated.

The alcohol in her blood screams through her rational, blowing air into her old mantra 'love is weakness.' At this tiny instigation Lexa hardens herself. This is exactly why she never kept lovers or friends, they made her doubt herself and influence her into situations she didn't want to be in.

"You know what Raven, it _was_ my fault and I take full responsibility for it. It was a mistake." She turns in her stool to face her bike, done with the conversation all together. Done with opening up and done trying to defend herself. This is what Anya is talking about, she feels as though she's doing all the work, all the apologizing, all the waiting and it's bullshit.

 _'Protect yourself at all times'_ she thinks to herself.

Brown eyes bore into the back of Lexa's head. Raven wasn't sure what to say to the abrupt nature in which she spun her disposition. It went from regret to acceptance to detachment in a matter of seconds. Whatever had happened didn't seem good and perhaps she might've pushed her too hard.

So she inches forward with resolution, "I'm not saying it was your fault, I'm just saying that your actions were wrong. I know you didn't kiss Harper, as I know that you don't want her. I'm sorry if I came on a little strong but you two are so perfect for each other and it bothers me that things won't settle. Misunderstandings and unfortunate events keep getting in the way. She doesn't want Bellamy and you need to get that idea out of your head. She hurts more than she lets on about what happened. I'm not going to tell you it'll get easier because I know that it _might_ get harder. I know Clarke, she's very strong willed but once she gets everything organized in her head she'll come back ten times stronger. So just wait for her to talk to you…she's worth it."

Lexa looks over her shoulder a little bothered by her words, "I _know_ she is…" Her body is half turned, not yet willing to open back up to this conversation or interrogation, it could be either one at this point. Her eyes narrow, not sure how to place Raven now. Is she her confidant or someone she should look out for? Her mind is working a million miles a second, paranoia slithering its way in. Is she implying that she thought Clarke isn't worth it, like she hasn't been fighting to gain Clarke's trust for the past two years, that this last year wasn't her chasing the sun across Denver with the hope of relative warmth? _Fuck this shit!_

"Whatever _this_ is," She points between herself and Raven, commenting on their friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever they are trying to be; "I don't have to defend myself to you! I've given Clarke more than I have given anyone and ever since being a part of this— _your_ delinquent crew, it's been nothing but misunderstandings and unfortunate events, so don't lecture _me_ about how shit happens. I am more than capable of putting my feelings aside for Clarke."

All the sudden she's standing and pacing right in front of Raven, one unruly vein threatening its position on her forehead. "I sat by watching Clarke flirt with Bellamy and then vice versa; you were there! So you telling me that I need to get the idea of them out of my head is bullshit! Never in my life have I been so disrupted."

She fumes now with one hand on her hip, "She needed time after I left her; I gave her that. She needed assurance that I'm not leaving her again; I gave her that. She needed me to help look for O with Bellamy despite how I feel; I gave her that. And now, she needs space so I'm giving her that! I've put my needs second to hers and I am still here!" She deflates back into her seat with exhaustion and states, "Whatever I do, it's never enough."

Lexa rests her elbows on her knees and lowers her head to grip at the back of her neck. It never feels like enough. She's ignored her own feelings for the sake of love and they are all pushing back now. She tried to convince herself that love didn't need to be equally sided, that it didn't matter how much one gave and the other took just as long as they loved each other. But at a point there has to be an understanding, a constant shift of reciprocity if that theory is to work. For most relationships, there should be an equal amount of effort flowing between them. Lexa tries to decipher how she feels without the influence of Anya's words. The Lexa she has learned to love is the one she feels she becomes when she's with Clarke. She understands that she becomes a better person with the blonde by her side but at what point does she lose herself completely? She wants to give herself over to Clarke but she also wants to keep her independence. The way she sees a successful relationship is two individual souls growing side by side, still holding their separate sturdy roots yet sharing the same soil, water and sun. She has seen relationships where they'd be too entwined with each other's lives to where one couldn't be happy without the other and even more so if one wasn't the cause of that happiness, they would become bitter holding that happiness against the other. The unhealthy qualities she feels herself committing to scares her but being in love excites her. She knows she's in love with Clarke, she's known since that Valentine's Day and that was the scariest thing to Lexa. Because that meant that her heart was not hers alone anymore. The duality of love is similar to a double-edged sword, no matter which side you use it cuts deep. And right now, Lexa feels its edge flipped and searing her skin with new lessons.

Raven's brown eyes stare at the girl in front of her, taken aback. She never considered how it looked and felt from Lexa's point of view. She's been so close to Clarke's experience she didn't realize how hard it's been for Lexa. Her heart tears in half at the thought. On one side, Clarke is justified in her trepidation. The amount of hurt that has compounded on that girl's heart has left it fortified. And on the other side, there is Lexa—just as damaged and just as fortified. Where Clarke is day, Lexa is night and if this isn't a perfect tragic harmony then Raven has zero faith in the restitution of the world for its sins. These two deserve the love they are so desperately trying to give one another and the cruel nature of surviving is holding it hostage. Just as she's about to reach out and give Lexa an apology, Raven looks up at the sound of a familiar raspy voice.

"Hey Ray, you weren't answering my calls so I just came over to…" Clarke stops in her tracks as soon as Lexa comes into view. Her heart jumps high into her throat before plummeting to the ground. _What's going on here?_ She looks at Lexa, head ducked down out of sight obviously upset and then to Raven, whose face is full of regret? She isn't sure.

 _She didn't.._.  
 _  
She wouldn't!_

Clarke's heart pounds erratically at the bottom of the abyss in which it fell. This isn't how she wanted Lexa to find out, this isn't how things are supposed to go. A cascade of nerves ripple under layers of skin holding her together despite the urge to burst into flames right then and there.

She gives Raven a questioning stare before she turns her attention back to the unmoving brunette.

"Lexa?" she wonders why she hasn't lifted her head up yet. She says her name partly concerned for what's wrong and the other pleading for her to just look at her so she can tell what's happened here, if she should start groveling now and apologize for everything.

When she sees green after moments of anticipation, her insides freeze.  
Their eyes lock in as if taking a long awaited breath after being submerged in water. They stay like that for what seems like hours. The only significant sign that they both are still alive is the rise and fall of their chests.

Clarke tries to swallow the dryness down but her throat is persistent in closing its doors. The look on Lexa's face isn't one she's used to. It's a look of sad defeat trapped under a thick saline blanket. It's a look of complexity that causes her insides to twist. She attempts to keep a neutral face but she ends up looking a bit constipated.

*

As soon as Lexa heard Clarke's voice she couldn't move her body. After her uncharacteristic outburst the last thing she expected was for Clarke to see her exposed. Well, at least she felt exposed because she let her armor fall to the wayside for once. She attempts to steel herself before looking up at the girl who will surely be the end of her. However, when she looks up the molten heat of the sun melts her iron will as tears form in her betraying eyes.

"What's going on?" Clarke manages to choke out. She breaks their locked gaze to focus on Raven. The fire that instigates her combustion burns behind her eyes hoping that her best friend isn't this vindictive. Blue and brown eyes communicate without saying a world while green ones dart back and forth cutting through the silence like a loom sewing things together. _Why is Clarke here?_ The tables turn, as Lexa is the one looking in on a moment. Raven looks worried while Clarke looks hurt and angry. This is confusing and it's uncomfortable.

"Nothing"

Lexa hears Raven blurt like a child caught in the cookie jar.

 _What?_

She looks over at the wolf-sheep and her expression has faltered into panic. After long stretching seconds, Lexa feels like she's been left out of a joke.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Lexa tries for couth, maybe she can flush whatever it is out. She doesn't direct this question at anyone in particular but she veers her eyes toward the one person who she hopes wouldn't lie.

 _Oh shit,_ is all Raven could say in her mind. This was _not_ going how she planned. Actually, it might be going exactly how she planned because she has been fighting with herself on whether to tell her or not for the past few hours. It wasn't her place, yet it could be. If she had any hope in salvaging this friendship she's grown to adore, then she should be the one to own up to it.

"Um…" Her brain is like molasses trying to either conjure up the courage to tell her or employ the justifications to not and leave it up to Clarke.

"Raven?" Clarke steps further into the garage interrupting Raven's deluge of thoughts, "Can I talk to Lexa alone?"

"Well, we were just—

"Please?"

The mechanic stands up in her own shop and tries to deliver a message with her eyes. _I didn't tell her!  
_  
"Yeah sure, I'll be upstairs."  
 _  
_She grabs her phone off the counter and quickly takes her exit. As soon as she gets into her house she sends a text to Clarke.

- _ ****_

 _ **11:43pm- Griffindork**_

 _ **Raven:**_ _I didn't tell her anything.  
_ _ **Raven:**_ _We were talking about you and how she feels that's all._

-

But Clarke ignores the buzzing phone in her pocket because the most important thing to her just might be lost. The look on Lexa's face is almost unrecognizable, sending her into panic recovery mode.

"Lexa, I can explain…"

Now Lexa is utterly confused, explain what exactly? And the nagging question that won't leave her mind is why is she here? She stays silent. Silence usually causes doubt and angst in the other person's mind, often encouraging them to talk more than they would if instigated. So she waits.

Clarke inches closer worry seeping from her pores. "It didn't mean anything and I didn't tell you because it doesn't matter."

 _What the fuck, what didn't mean anything?_ Lexa's mind searches her mental Rolodex for any scenario that would fit this puzzle. It doesn't make any sense, so she stays silent.

"I'm sorry for asking for space but I needed time to think. There are so many things coming to the surface that it was making my head spin. I just needed it to stop. I was talking to Octavia the other day…" Her voice is shaky like she is auditioning in front of the most important audience of her life.

"And I was telling her that we needed to trust each other. She needs to trust that I can handle anything she has to tell me because we deserve the truth from each other. So I… I told her the other day and I guess Raven decided it would be fair to be the one to tell you…" She closes her eyes at the thought of that betrayal. Fuck, this is harder than she thought it would be. There's a hollow burn in her chest that deepens every silent second Lexa delivers.

Lexa sits quiet and still. Her elbows are on her knees while her thumbs form a makeshift stand for her chin to rest, as her fingers stand straight up against her nose. Her head is too heavy for her feeble neck to support and she can't bring herself to look directly at the nervous girl in front of her. This room is suddenly becoming a suffocating confessional. She feels sick to her stomach at the context of information Clarke's giving her. Fractions of truth are being given with each word, providing Lexa the pieces to put together as she listens.

Clarke doesn't dare move closer to Lexa in fear she's lost that welcome. Late winter air envelops fair skin as she searches for any scrap of bone. Lexa's giving her nothing to go on; no sign that she should even keep going. But she continues in hopes of any reaction because the stoicism she is receiving from Lexa is crippling.

"It never happened more than once and it will never happen again—"

 _Oh…_

"—She has always been there for me and I know it's the weirdest time for this to come out—" __

She understands now. The context clues allow her to draw a conclusive picture.  
The picture growing more vivid each second she wraps her head around this new fucking found information. _What the fuck! What? When did this happen?! When did Raven and Clarke fuck each other?! Was it recently? Was it yesterday?! FUCK!_  
Lexa hides her face in between her praying hands. Her ears are burning from the realization, Clarke is still rambling on but it doesn't matter now.

Lexa understands.

She wants to scream but she stays calm. Her hands help seal the words from spilling out of her mouth. How could she not see it before…? The way they look at each other sometimes, like they understand things a little more than everyone else in the room, and how comfortable their touches are. Sure, Octavia is similar but their interactions just scream platonic and Raven… Raven is something else, an enigma… _Christ!_ _How close_ _ **are**_ _they? She's seen Clarke naked…Does she know about her tiny birthmark? Fuck, probably._ The questions build up in her mind as she finds juxtaposing possible answers in her memories. Just last week Clarke got exceedingly jealous when she wrestled with Raven. At the time she thought it was for her but maybe…

The thought of Raven and Clarke sends burning embers through her veins that she can't stomp down. Anger swells up in her lungs as she focuses on Clarke once more.

"—and I don't think about her like that. I've only been in love with you Lexa and I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I wanted to tell you myself but I was planning on talking to my mom and Anya before you so I could at least get some guidance but now… I…"

Clarke looks up to find an emerald blaze boring into her. She gulps.

"I'm sorry…" She whispers her twentieth apology. The blonde stands on weak limbs as she waits for Lexa to say something. During her whole explanation Lexa was a statue, not reacting in the slightest. She waits…

and waits…

When she feels like she can't wait anymore she steps closer, "Lex—

"When did it happen?"

Clarke's eyes go wide at the lack of warmth in her voice but she doesn't dare question it.

"Junior year of high school" she answers.

"How many times?"

"Once"

"Where?"

The details don't matter but she has to know. The image of Raven inside Clarke, the idea of her tasting her is corroding her mind and like she's a glutton for punishment she needs to know.

"Where did you _fuck_ her Clarke?"

"In my dad's study…"

Okay, that hurts; for some reason that extra detail hurt like hell.

"Okay."

 _Okay?_ Clarke jerks her head forward as if chasing after the venom. _That's it?!_ She wanted to feel it, she deserves wrath. Lexa deserves to be upset but she doesn't dare speak unless she's spoken to; it's like wading through water whose surface is on fire.

After what seems like eternal torture, she hears a softer voice.

"Do you have feelings for her?"

Clarke shakes her head, "Not like that, no."

"Did you ever?"

She shakes her head again.

"Why am I just hearing about this now?"

Clarke touches her messy bun, eager to busy her nervous fingers. "I… don't know. It didn't come up until this week. Raven and I, we… she helped me through a lot in high school. I wasn't out for a long time and she helped me understand how to be me… I didn't think it was anyone else's business."

Lexa takes a deep sigh as she puts her face into her hands. She can understand that too. The past is not public information, she of all people understands that the past is private and it doesn't belong to anyone else. She also knows that the past doesn't mollify the present. The past doesn't define a person but it is what makes a person who they are. Actions speak louder than words and at this point all Lexa hears are words from Clarke.

She lifts her head from her hands, "And now that it's out in the open, and everyone's business… Where does that leave us?"

Clarke feels nauseous. Lexa's question puts fear into her heart. It's not fair to be judged by the past. Of all people Clarke thought Lexa would understand that.

"What do you mean?" She asks with displeasure.

The brunette still refuses to look into the blue. Lexa shakes her head as she stares at the ground. She doesn't know what she means…all she knows is that she's lost in all of this.

"So… before game night, when Raven and I were wrestling. Why did you get so upset?"

Her tone sounds accusatory. Clarke's face scrunches up in confusion as she thinks back to that day.

"Were you jealous that our attention wasn't on you for once?"

 _Woah… Okay._

"Um… no." Clarke shuffles further in just barely enough so she can lean against Raven's workstation still far enough away from Lexa to give her space.

"Then why were you _so_ upset?"

Clarke shrugs her shoulders, "I don't know, I guess I felt jealous but it wasn't like that…" She takes a deep breath trying to analyze herself, it isn't easy to put her feelings into words. Especially when words feel like a finite cage for how she feels when she doesn't even know if it's that simple.

" I guess I felt insecure. I only ever had Raven and Octavia as close friends and then you… And maybe seeing you so close to Raven made me feel that they would like you better…" Saying it out loud sounds really petty and childish but that's the closest explanation she can give right now. It isn't becoming of her but she's working on her emotions. It's hard to share the most important people in her life with someone just as important, someone who she isn't sure she wants to share with anyone else in the world.

"I know it sounds selfish, but it's like… you… You're this amazing person Lexa and every time I'm with you, I hope that I don't look stupid or do something that will cause you to like me any less. I don't want you to stop liking me because I love you so much. I love everything about you. There isn't one thing that you do that I don't love and sometimes I just want you to myself. It wasn't about Raven that day… It was about me having to share my favorite person in the whole world with my other favorite people. That maybe once I did, I would be like the velveteen rabbit or something…"

Her eyes quickly lose the battle against the clan of water holding onto the front lines of her lashes. She feels like she would be forgotten and maybe it's ridiculous but in her eyes, she isn't special. She is learning to love herself everyday but it's very hard when good things don't happen to good people when they should.

Clarke's chin trembles because Lexa still hasn't looked at her.

"I fear that one day you'll see me for who I am and not want me anymore. Sometimes I love myself but most of the time I don't know who I am… but when I'm with you I feel like I discover more of myself everyday. I love who I am with you Lexa… and you have helped me more than Raven has or ever could. I don't want anyone else. I want you."

She dares to step a little closer to the girl who means the world. She steps close enough to see the shimmer in her eyes, trails already forged down the slopes of her cheeks.

When she speaks again she's in reaching distance from the seated girl.

"I'm sorry…" she voices softly; her fingers twitch at the ready to touch.

Lexa nods her head scrupulously. It's careful and minute but it's there. Clarke sees it and doesn't dare move. She isn't sure what it means so she stays still. Lexa understands Clarke's fear. She feels similar in the sense that she is more of who she wants to be around the blonde. It feels right when they're together. But is this it? If they are to work, is this the moment that they both move forward together? Lexa isn't sure she can take much more of the ups and downs.

"Lexa…" her whisper is wet, "please look at me..."

She waits patiently for the girl below her to acquiesce.

Lexa knows she's close; she can smell her and feel her presence. As soon as Clarke started to inch towards her she shut her eyes. She is torn between yearning for her touch and not wanting to be touched by anyone. It's always a battle between the head and the heart. Lexa guesses it isn't about which one wins, it's about learning to listen to one over the other when they wage. It's about letting them fight and listening to their cry.

 _'Balance is key in all things'_ A principle she taught herself in the past. Not only should she protect herself at all times but she should have balance. There is a time to be vulnerable just as there is a time to be guarded. Sometimes in order to win a battle, one must appear liable. So, which part of her should lie on the line? Should she let her logic play opossum while her heart takes action or should she allow her heart to lay dormant as her logic secures its survival. She tries to listen to the lessons Anya taught her while mixing in her own experiences with them. It's hard to modify and even harder to create new principles to live by when the stakes are no longer life and death. Peace brings politics and Lexa was never good at people. The maneuver and manipulations never interested her. Love, however, is what wars are fought for. She understands why she fought so hard to survive for all these years. To feel something so pure as love, is the reason in which the winters thaw and spring blooms. It's what makes life worth living and not just about surviving.

So she grits her teeth and challenges herself.

"If you want me…then why do you keep pushing me away?"

She looks up.

And when she does, she breaks.

Her tears stream from the gulfs of her eyes, she inhales air she didn't know she needed. Clarke is everything and it hurts to want to run away from that. It hurts to know that this person can ruin her in a moment's time. Lexa wants to run away and protect her heart from this vulnerability. Instead, she reaches out and grabs Clarke's hip and as soon as she does, Clarke steps forward and cradles her head into her stomach.

"Lexa…" She gasps full of regret and sorrow.

She did this.

She is the cause of this girl's pain and it hurts.

Everything hurts.

Some say true love should be easy and free. But in truth, love is like light. Love is the presence of all emotions just as white is the presence of all colors. It's unrelenting in the fact that it's full and all encompassing. Love isn't easy because it fills every crack full of every color imaginable illuminating white light. It hurts, soothes, cures, burns, cools, frees, and jails the heart all at once. But just as white is the presence of all colors; black is the absence of them. And when the presence of love is ripped from the heart, it feels like a black hole. It feels as though nothing can ever exist there again. So the opposite of love isn't' hate, it's indifference.

It's nothingness.

"I _do_ want you… I've always wanted you." Clarke declares.

Lexa hugs at Clarke's torso trying to hold onto the love she feels fearful of slipping back into the void. She doesn't want this to matter; she doesn't want the past to matter now. All she wants is Clarke.

After she dries her tears with the soft surface in front of her, she takes a breath and tilts her head back to find tender eyes upon her. Her hands still grip at her pliable hips, leaving grease stains behind.

"It took me a long time to open up to the possibility of us again. And when I finally do, it's everything else that's getting in the way." Clarke confesses while caressing the back of her neck.

"I feel like we're always crying or fighting for us…shouldn't it be easier than this?"

Lexa feels Clarke shake a little with her response, "No…"

She clears her throat, "I don't think it _should_ be any kind of way. It's easy to love you Lexa. That part is easy…"

"I guess it's everything else that isn't." Lexa finishes for her.

"mmm" Clarke hums. She feels like she's home when she holds Lexa. This is what makes everything else worth it. She manages to squeeze the brunette closer to her chest feeling her breathe.

They stay wrapped in each other for a while, just existing, feeling each other. Their hearts eventually beat in sync, as do their breaths.

~

"Why are you here?"

The sound of Lexa's broken voice around those words startle Clarke into thinking that maybe she doesn't want her here but before she can voice her fear Lexa continues.

"I mean why did you come here tonight?"

Relaxing a bit, Clarke exhales at her amendment while running her hand on top of Lexa's hair.

"Honestly, I came here to avoid going home. Octavia and I aren't talking much and I just needed a place to think."

Blue eyes scan the room; "I see you're working on motorcycles with Raven?"

Lexa follows her line of sight nodding, "Yeah."

Clarke's attention snaps back at her short response. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you…"

"It doesn't matter"

Clarke's eyebrows knit infinitesimally together, _what doesn't matter…_ She worries that she means it doesn't matter that she's sorry, or that it doesn't matter that she wants her and loves her. Because she hasn't said it back yet.

"What doesn't matter?" She chokes out.

Lexa leans back dropping her hands from the warmth of Clarke's hips, immediately missing the feeling.

"The past…" she sighs. "It doesn't matter. You say it's in the past then it's in the past. There are things in my past I haven't told you and I wouldn't want you holding those against me now. I've changed and became who I am today because of it but it's not who I am." She fidgets with her hands pinching and pulling at her fingers.

"Yeah, it hurts to find out that you slept with Raven." The sound those words make causes bile to rise in her throat. "… and I wish you would've told me sooner but it doesn't matter because… I want this." She lifts her chin up to look into the sky blue eyes that contrast so beautifully against the night. "I want us to work Clarke. I really do, I wasn't ready then but I'm ready now…"

"And the whole Harper thing is a non-issue because I don't want her. I'm sorry I put myself in that position and I won't do it again but I think I have major issues with you and Bellamy and it got the best of me. I don't like him near you…"

Clarke thinks for a minute before speaking.

"I know. And… I can't say I won't see him again because he's Octavia's brother but I promise I don't want to see him nor do I want to be near him again. He's changed into something other than who I've known him to be… and…" Her voice cracks into heartbreak at the thought of someone so close to her breaking her trust and friendship. She still struggles with the brevity of the situation. She has dealt with handsy men before but this was different and the more it sunk in, the more it hurt.

"…I handled it wrong. I ignored what happened and allowed him around when I knew how you felt."

Lexa grits her teeth. She knew Clarke did certain things on purpose but after their talk and the events of that night, she forgave her. They haven't really talked about any of it in truth. It's always been glazed over in declarations and promises.

"I don't want to be manipulated Clarke."

"I know," Clarke nods. "I don't mean to, I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes. I can't blame anyone else but myself because they're my insecurities and I'm dealing with them."

"Are you going to need space every time something happens?" She asks with a lifted brow.

This question is the first that implies that there could be a future. Clarke holds onto that hope and answers her with certainty.

"No, I don't want anymore space from you…"

"I want to be with you Lexa."

The brunette nods, "I want that too."

Clarke lets out a breath of relief as she lets her knees gently touch the ground to pull Lexa into her embrace chest to chest, heart to heart. She holds her like if she didn't she would lose her to the world. It was relief but mostly it was grief.

"But we have to do better at surviving this. We have to communicate with each other and most of all trust each other."

"You're right…I'm sorry for putting you through so much this year. I've just been so lost and it wasn't until recently that I've found my way." She rests her cheek on Lexa's shoulder giving her lips the chance to place a chaste kiss to a strong jaw. When she does, she feels Lexa shudder in her arms, causing her to squeeze her tighter.

"I know it hasn't been easy being with me and I know that I've given you little reason to stay but I promised you that I would put you first and I intend to do that."

"No…"

Clarke flinches, "No?" Every time she thinks they are on the same page, Lexa changes the chapter.

"Don't put yourself second to anyone Clarke. You're the only person you should truly put first and I'm okay with being your second. I will put you before anyone else but I want us to be independently together. I want you to have your life and me to have mine. However, I want us to live our lives together…" She looks into her eyes imploring her to understand.

"Do you know what I mean?"

"Kind of…"

"I mean, I don't want us to be so involved with each other that we lose sight of our individual goals and dreams. I don't want to get lost in each other. I want to make you into the best version of yourself. I don't just want us to survive together Clarke… I want us to thrive together."

Clarke nods her head too afraid to speak in fear she would sob all over the girl in her arms. This is the best-case scenario. A dream couldn't have made it better.

"And maybe we should try communicating with words more often than with our bodies?" She eases the weight of the moment. Clarke's only response is to tighten her hold. After a few moments Lexa nudges the blonde with a smirk. "Hmm?"

Clarke finally lifts her head and nods, "yeah…" she laughs while wiping tears from her face. "But… we can _still_ communicate with our bodies though right?"

Lexa tilts her head back with her eyes closed in light laughter, "Yes Clarke, we can."


End file.
